TForgettable

• MLP: FiM
• Sad
• Tragedy

A tragic incident brings Twilight to read somepony else's journal.

• Suicide / Self Harm
• Death
• Twilight
• OC

Stolenalicorn · 2.4k words  ·  294  18 · 5.8k views

Summary

So let's start this off with an important factoid, this story has personally struck me. Because I can understand the protagonist from experience that I, myself have attempted such life ending process. Now if you don't understand what I'm going on about, the description of the story sums it up:

"A suicide right by the school of friendship.
Why would someone do that when there was help so close?
Twilight can't let this go as just a tragic incident.
There has to be a reason."

Now because of the serous topic (that being suicide and depression) that the story is undergoing the Stolenalicorn has to run a thin line.

The message that Stolenalicorn has made at the end is really true, I suggest everypony/dragon/etc, etc. reads it because just being aware it a good thing to have even if you, yourself isn't suffering.

Ratings

Emotion:

9/10

This story with it's harsh topic is bound to play some heart strings. However, what makes this the best section of the story is that these emotions that is expressed are realistic and they stain. What I mean by stain is that you can still feel it after the beginning beat.

Pacing:

3/10

This is the let down of the story, every time I read it the pacing is off. The pacing seems to fast and rushed so the Stolenalicorn can inoffensively push this subject.

The Ending:

7/10

The ending to the story is sad yet sweet. This is probability the only part where the pacing and tension are mixed well, giving rememberable message to end off with.

Feedback

Please remember these are just suggestions based on experience and knowledge of story writing. Thank you.
The pacing needs to slow down, because with the current pacing the tension is out of wack. If you would slow down the pacing the tension would be more impactful and give a much stronger feeling throughout the story.

The story also needs more descriptions at the start of it, I can hardly understand it as the fast/rushed pacing starts off with a bang. It honestly is just a confusing start to such a grim story, it feels like a half-arsed recap.

Some of the word choices to give for Twilight are out of character for her, and are "off"? They don't seem to fit with how Twilight's psyche would be under at that moment is what I mean as off.

There are a few grammar errors in the story that have left me speechless, I suggest you give it slow out loud read of it to find those.

Thank you for the review. And your feedback is exactly what I was hoping to get for it. I'll be sure to take more time with my stories and work on my pacing. I'm always afraid of losing the pace in the details, but this was a very different kind of story for me to write and my usual methods are not well suited.
As for my grammar ... unfortunately I never seem to be able to get that under control. No matter how many times I read and correct something slips through.
Thank you for pointing out that there are still things I need to correct, and for letting me know what I still need work on.

7072557
That's okay. Everyone slips up every now and then. With the pacing, it depends on how you give the details that keeps the pacing.

7072564
Thank you.

7072565
Your welcome.

Oh, and the Author's note at the end: I can't take credit for that. Antiquarian made a great point in my comments section and their message couldn't be lost in the comments section. Given the subject matter of the story some reader may have needed their words and may still need them.
Just being honest, and giving credit where it's due.