TCaught and punished

• MLP: FiM
• Comedy
• Sad
• Slice of Life

Alternate take on Season 5 premier: Starlight gets caught instead of getting away

• Human
• Alt. Universe
• Twilight
• Spike
• Main 6
• Starlight Glimmer

TheHardie-Boy · 14k words  ·  74  8 · 1.9k views

Starlight is trying to escape after the Main 6 unravelled all the work she put into Our Town. Unfortunately, she’s caught, but being sending Starlight to the dungeons is the last thing on Twilight’s mind. Can Starlight turn over a fresh leaf with the help of their local human?

This story is set after the season 5 premiere and provides an interesting twist on the episode

Setting and Plot

The premise of the story is very interesting! It provides so many different opportunities on how this story could play out With Starlight still in the throes of her defeat and the removal of something so fundamental to unicorns (ie. her magic), she’s very vulnerable and sensitive to change, and Twilight (and by proxy, Donnnnn) takes advantage of that to gently shove Starlight into a situation where she could learn to be a better pony with some help. It’s not perfect, of course; every road of recovery has its own bumps and potholes.

The majority of the story, (up until its hiatus, that is), takes place in Ponyville and mostly with Sam, the town’s local human who is tasked by bookhorse to help Starlight change. It’s an interesting choice to make, since Sam is fairly friendless; Donnnnn creates this scenario where two characters can learn about friendship in a rather unorthodox way, and seem to be getting good results!

The only criticisms I have for the plot and setting is that the events are a little dull on their own. We see Sam and Starlight meeting, going shopping, talking it over with each other (and with Discord), and a significant amount of Sam thinking “she’s not my pet” and “these ponies are so gosh darned cute.” We get it, buddy.

Rating: 7.5/10

Character Exploration

Ohohohohohoho boy, I saw the sad tag on this and got very excited The plot gives so many opportunities to delve into both Starlight and Sam’s personalities and thoughts, but there’s not a lot of either. Granted, we see a lot of both characters’ thoughts, but some personality traits (and the subsequent additions to the stories) are a bit lacking.

Take the dialogue, for example:

“Well, you’re the Princess of Friendship. Why don’t you do it?”

“I would, but I’m really busy with all of my princess duties. So...I was hoping...you could?”

“Me?! I know almost nothing about friendship! I haven’t even been here that long!” Sam countered.

“I know, but none my other friends can do it, and if you ever need help, you can just ask,” Twilight offered.

“Why me though? Why not someone like...Zecora or something?”

“Because...I also thought it would be a good opportunity for you to make a new friend...even if the circumstances are kind of...interesting. Besides, you’re my best option. I wouldn’t be coming to you if I didn’t think you could do it. I really want Starlight to have this chance, but if nopony agrees to help her, I’m afraid of what’ll happen to her,” Twilight explained.

“Look, I’m all for giving her a chance, but I just don’t feel like this is a good idea. I have to go job hunting, I have to buy food, but if I agree to this, it would be like an anchor,” Sam countered.

“Like I said, you would always be able to come to me for help, and you know what? I’ll even be willing to pay you!” Twilight exclaimed.

When I read that excerpt, even without the rest of the text surrounding it, you can’t really discern a lot about the conversation. How are these characters moving while they talk? What are their expressions? It’s hard for readers to tell the tone of the story at this point, or even the emotions of each character beyond what verb is used to describe the fact they’re speaking, (ex. countered, explained, offered). The lack of descriptions make these characters seem flat, like cardboard cutouts without being able to voice their thoughts. A lot of communication in the real life is made up by non-verbal communication, like body behaviour or facial expressions; a smile on someone’s face can turn an otherwise insulting phrase into a joke shared among friends The story would really benefit from having these descriptions put in, because it helps the reader imagine the same mental image that the author pictured as they wrote the scene.

Rating: 5/10

Grammar, Formatting, and Consistency

Overall, fairly well done! There are some parts where it feels like a word is missing, and for everyone’s sanity, I won’t go around and point out each and every moment where it happens There are some typos here and there, which is nothing a good read over and editor can’t fix!

One thing I want to point out is this line, which seems to have gotten the spelling a bit mixed around!

“Spike and I never really notice it. Ponies’ fur coats help protect them from the cold, and dragons are just inherently warm on the insider,” Twilight explained to me. Even though I lived here, there was still so much I didn’t know about ponies.

While insider is a word, the saying is actually “warmer on the inside!” So the sentence should actually say:

“Spike and I never really notice it. Ponies’ fur coats help protect them from the cold, and dragons are just inherently warmer on the inside,” Twilight explained to me. Even though I lived here, there was still so much I didn’t know about ponies.

Aside from that, not much I have to say! Donnnnn is pretty consistent in their own formatting, though I would say there’s a lot of short sentences that could be strung together to form longer ones. Too many periods can pull the reader out of the immersion

Grammar: 7
Formatting: 8
Consistency: 8.5
Overall: (7+8+8.5/3)/10 = (23.5/3)/10 = 7.8/10 (roughly )

My Little Nitpicks

My thoughts as I read the story! Let’s get started

Ruined living room
Wow, Starlight really did a number to it. A tipped bookshelf, a broken table, a misplaced couch, and all over her magic being suppressed? Part of me expected less, part of me expected more Go figure!

Puddle of tears

It looked like she had cried herself to sleep, judging by the small puddle next to her face and the large bags under her eyes.

Depending on whether or not the floor is hardwood, there might not be a puddle, and besides, depending on when Starlight fell asleep, her tears might've evaporated. Science is magic

Assess the asses!

I turned back to the room to asses the damage.

Assess! Assess the text, and not the asses!

Pets and collars and shops, oh my!

If you're gonna find a pony-sized collar anywhere, it'll be there.

Oh boy! The logical thing to assume is that there exist animals who can be pets but are the same size or maybe even bigger than ponies. My brain immediately said, "wow wouldn't those belong in an x-rated shop in some dilapidated alley far away from the sight of the common folk?" and oh boy, huh, the pet shop is the x-rated shop And presumably, you’d be able to take the charm off, especially when you’ve got one of the most powerful unicorn (and alicorn) as a friend!

Death glares in Ponyville

There were a few ponies giving me death glares.

Death glares? For what reason? You’d assume that Ponyville of all places would be a lot more friendly and open to the idea of reforming someone, especially since Discord is around, but hey, Donnnnn’s story, not mine

Final Thoughts

An interesting story! Personally, not my type since I don’t usually enjoy “human in Equestria”-esque plots, but it has potential to be an amazing journey of self-discovery for Starlight and one of friendship and acceptance into the community for Sam.

Final rating: (7.8+5+7.5/3)/10 = 6.8/10 (roughly, but I’ll round up )

Honestly, the “death glares” are mainly because the ponies believe Sam looks down on ponies, but I guess I should include that. Other than that, glad you enjoyed it