A Moment of Truth by A Man Undercover

We are back, and late. Today we go over the possible continuation ending to a season 9 episode about that weird male cat lady that lives in the jungle and is apparently employed by a secret council of most likely more eccentric cat ladies. We follow Ahuizotl as he plans to take over the world with… trees? Cats? It’s never quite clear. And as usual, ancient ruins hold the precursors to modern tech. 

As like last time, one of the best parts of A Man Undercover’s portrayal of villains is in humanizing them. We get to see the author’s interpretation of Ahuizotl is actually quite interesting. Going in, I was expecting him to be a little more Sombra-like in terms of evil. I was pleasantly surprised by the fact it was more Poison Ivy. The philosophical perspective of Ahuizotl is quite interesting*. From there, the story has a fairly interesting bit of world-building for a 6k word one-shot. While we don't get an entire autobiography for who he is and his group’s history, we do get some interesting takes on who he is and why he has any sort of power/influence.

As for the faults. First off, the writing is rough.

"What happened next, Mr. Loati?" A young light blue-furred and pink maned unicorn filly anxiously pressed, "Did that bossy bully named Chikoomba threaten to shiskabob Ahuizotl like before?"

Ahuizotl, who apparently went by the name of C.V. Loati, chuckled at the little girl's anxiety and curiosity.

"What happened next, Mr. Loati?" a young unicorn filly with light-blue fur and pink mane anxiously pressed, "Did that bossy bully Chikoomba threaten to shishkabob Ahuizotl like before?"

Ahuizotl chuckled at the little girl's anxiety and curiosity. He had started to go by the name C.V. Loati a few months back while in public to not draw attention to himself.

This story needs an editor. Not for an abundance of grammar and spelling issues, though there are a few, but to address issues in construction. Sentences were consistently phrased in ways that just don’t work. Secondly, remember how I was commending the portrayal of Ahuizotl and added the asterisk? Well, this is why. It gets so good when the beliefs were being introduced, but it is revealed about 90% of the way through that he’s just an evil SOB. I was soo wanting a small little delve into why he be as he be, instead, I just get stock villain #40790. There was so much potential that both the episode and this story set up, it was a shame to see that given up at the end. Finally, a major hiccup in the story is its pacing. This is probably the most subjective time I have criticized pacing because here it feels a little bit rushed to me. We go from book reading to grand declaration to reaffirmation of convictions quite quickly. The rate at which things occur is fairly hasty and would have probably been a bit better in a story with about 2k more words. 

Final Scores;

Writing; 5/10, This story was rough. An editor is needed to fix up some of the more glaring issues with sentence construction and overall flow. I needed to reread sentences often to figure out what the author was going for.

Pacing; 7/10, It’s not terrible, and in a way, it’s decent. My issue is that there is a lot of things that all happen in a short period of time, and I might not be the best person to evaluate this sort of thing seeing as I love long and drawn out stories.

Characters; 7/10, They’re serviceable. Ahuizotl’s explanation of how everyone came to work with him was interesting and added a lot to who he was. We also get a good glimpse at his inner workings with how he talks until the point at the end where he goes evil.

Concept; 8/10, Ok, so here’s where I tank my credibility. Do I love MCU Thanos? Yes. While reading this, was I expecting Ahuizotl to mirror Thanos and have goals that a reasonable person could sympathize with? Yes. Was this at all fair to do? Absolutely not. The idea sounded so good, and up to the end, I was really digging it conceptually. The problem for me is just that the followthrough just didn’t land. Ahuizotl’s explanation sounds so good, but his end justification just falls a bit short seeing as he doesn’t actually justify it, he just goes full sociopath with no reason other than ‘I want to’.

World-Building; 7/10, It works. There is a good amount of this in the story, and it tends to work quite well. The issue for me is that there are a lot of things that are brought up that just seem like convenience things on the author’s part. For one, the mention of an artifact to counter the effects of the amulet does seem to be an asspull. And as for the elevator, There do exist some tales of elevators dating back to 200 b.c. so as long as you can determine a roughly historic way to make an elevator work, you needn’t resort to placing a modern elevator into an ancient temple.

Total score; 34/50 or 6.8/10, This was a decent story brought down by sub-par construction and a lower degree of details than would fit for what is being done. In the future, I would suggest delving more into the motivations of the character being explored and to not be afraid of fleshing things out a bit more.

7039450
I’m finding this to be the last time I request you to review my stories.

7039479
What's the deal? He was fair, and the flaws were noticeable.

7039486
I thought that the motivations that Ahuizotl revealed were clear, and while I can see that there are flaws that obviously need correcting and that I can gladly get to...the fact that he says I need to hire an editor feels insulting. I don’t agree with his review on the grounds of the pacing, and what he said about my usage of Ahuizotl at the ending.

How can you even comment when you haven’t read my story yet?

7039495
The motivations aren't the problem here. You need to work on your grammar and pacing. Even I use editors and beta readers. It's nothing to get mad at. It's normal.

7039505
I can see your point. But, who can I go to?

If I’m going to hire outside help for my stories, I want it to be someone I can trust. Along with that, I had thought that my time editing for other stories would help me enhance my abilities as an author, but the fact that it apparently hasn’t...well, I feel bummed.

7039450

It gets so good when the beliefs were being introduced, but it is revealed about 90% of the way through that he’s just an evil SOB. I was soo wanting a small little delve into why he be as he be, instead, I just get stock villain #40790. There was so much potential that both the episode and this story set up, it was a shame to see that given up at the end.

Would you care to clarify on this? I’m having trouble understanding what you’re getting at.

Concept; 8/10, Ok, so here’s where I tank my credibility. Do I love MCU Thanos? Yes. While reading this, was I expecting Ahuizotl to mirror Thanos and have goals that a reasonable person could sympathize with? Yes. Was this at all fair to do? Absolutely not. The idea sounded so good, and up to the end, I was really digging it conceptually. The problem for me is just that the followthrough just didn’t land. Ahuizotl’s explanation sounds so good, but his end justification just falls a bit short seeing as he doesn’t actually justify it, he just goes full sociopath with no reason other than ‘I want to’.

Having trouble understanding what you’re implying here too.

7039634

"Long before I even met Daring Do, the cats, and the natives, I had a loving family that cherished me so much they called me their 'greatest treasure'," He said to himself like he was speaking to someone, "Living in the city of Tambelon, my father was part of a group whose mission was to protect the world around us. He trained me in order to follow in his footsteps, and it was something I willingly obliged with."
[...]
"But then, when I told my father and the rest of the group about my discovery of how we can make true and everlasting harmony, which is to wipe out the sapients and only spare those who truly belong in this world...my father and mother cast me out, and the group father was a part of turned their backs on me like I was rabble. Everyone called me a madman, and a monster for wanting to kill sapient life," Ahuizotl said, "Who's to say that every creature outside of my minions won't do the same? Including the Element of Kindness?"

This part. This is so close to the justification of Thanos. The problem here is that there isn't any lead-up between 'let's protect the world' and 'time for a genocide'. If we could see how he arrived at the conclusion of 'start with the murder' I might be a little more sympathetic to his goals. We hear him call every creature with working vocal cords 'outsiders' and call for their deaths. If there would have been a bit more build-up for why he went to murder, it would start making sense. As it stands, he sounds like he went straight to 'kill them all' without much justification. I say this because, and correct me if I'm misinterpreting this, I get the feeling that he was exiled before meeting the cats that follow him. If we had him reflecting on how he arrived at this conclusion we might get a better feel for him as being three dimensional.

7039698
I have actually been planning on making sequels to this story, the next which would depict how he came to be where he is now. The reason I didn’t build the chapter towards that was because I felt that it was something for another story, and it seemed like it would make things too time consuming as things were already becoming. I didn’t want to take things off topic.

You understand, right?

7039486
Have you ever had a feeling that you were trying so hard to impress someone, but in the end...they aren’t impressed?

7039887
Oh yeah. Like, you show off a model you made to your parents and they say that's cool without looking at it. Or when you make a super long fic and only the same five people comment all the time. Or when a review comes back that says you need a lot more work, even though it was a good story.

7039894
Yes. That.

7039894
Any comment?

7040226
Not really. Sorry.

7040226
I like comments as much as the next guy, but in cases like this, the reviewer already said all that needed to be said.

7040273
Well, in whatever case, it’s just...*sigh* 😔I worked so hard on my story, and I was hoping that he’d be pleased with how everything came out. I worked for a solid three months, made sure everything was perfect, and was doing everything the guy recommended that I do in the future when he reviewed my previous stories, and yet...he’s still not satisfied.

When do you plan on checking out my story yourself, by any chance?

7040303
Here's the thing. Don't try to impress me. Do your own thing. If you go to my 'Best stories I've read' library, the stories fall into one super-category and one sub-category. Super; dark and depressing, sub; long and drawn out. (the exception being Timberwolves: Guardians of the Everfree, that one I like because science) Just write what you like. I try to be fair with my reviews. An example would be The Pinkamena Chronicles. I REALLY did not like that ending but still it received an 8/10. I was wondering why the story was in the past tense since I know you do present, now I feel bad. I have actually warmed up to the present tense in the last few months. If I went back to review your past stories, I would more than likely score the writing much higher. If you are really aiming to impress me, write how you feel comfortable writing and improve from your last time. Unless you want me to more or less commission you to write a story, that's the best way.

7040697
What would you say, if I told you, that I’m planning on making sure that my upcoming sequel to “A Moment of Truth” is even better than the predecessor? And that I’m planning on having an editor for it to increase the chances of it being perfect?

7164300
That would be interesting, I'd like to see how you handle that. Just remember, write how you feel comfortable writing, not in a way to make me happy. If the present tense is the one you are able to phrase better, write it that way. For me, if you want me to review it, I would just like to see the characters as people, like you did in a Kings Grand Entrance, where they have a reason for their actions, with the more unfavorable/uncommon positions having more explanation for why they are that way. I don't need to agree with their methods or goals, just understand them enough to see how they got to this point.

7165182
Thanks.

Also, present tense isn’t my only style. I mainly go for the tense that I envision the most for a story, whether past or present tense.

7039450
If I may ask,

My story has now been officially edited by Norm De Plume.

Is it okay if I re-enter the story for you to look over again? To see if it’s improved?

sure.