Birds of a Feather Review. - My Little Reviews & Feedback

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Nailah

Nailah #1 · Oct 29th, 2019 · 2 · ·

EBirds of a Feather

a story featuring Gallus and Silverstream narrated by a unseen character

Applefai · 1.9k words · 45 6 · 4.9k views

Summary:
I never thought i could open up like that, all my life i practically raised myself. No other griffon paid me any mind, not a very friendly mind at least. That all changed when a friend maybe even more helped me embrace my feelings and let others into my life and into my heart.

Initial thoughts: I'm pretty sure everyone knows by now, I'm a hopeless romantic, with sadly no love in her own life! ahem. So when I saw the tags: Romance, Sad, Slice of Life, I was originally worried this would be something totally different then what it was. Honestly, would have been more interesting had it been the way I envisioned. But as it is, it's not very good. There is WAY to much "telliness" in here, and even though it's in narration, we are never told who is telling the story. Whether it's Gallus or Silverstream, it's so vague, it could be Queen Novo for all I know. 4/10

What I liked: I like the concept of Gallus struggling to find a place that will accept him, despite his own flaws. I like that Silverstream reached out and wanted to help a friend in need. I like how Hearthswarming is used here.

What I didn't like: Everything else. I often struggle with "Show don't tell" myself, but nowadays I can see it more. Let me show you an example from the piece.

Excerpt: "Gallus?" Silverstream spoke as Gallus was packing, to which Gallus took notice and responded. "Oh, hello Silverstream, Happy Hearth's Warming." To which Silverstream could hear the sadness in his voiced and hugged him then responded with "Happy Hearth's Warming to you too." Gallus being from Griffonstone didn't know how to respond to this sudden display of affection, he had never been hugged before so he just stood there in shock.
Show don't tell: "Gallus?" Silverstream questioned, eyeing Gallus packing up for the Holidays. Gallus sighed. "Oh hello Silverstream, Happy hearth's warming." Silverstream's ear drooped, immediately wrapping her arms around him, holding him. "Happy hearthswarming to you too." Gallus sighed.
See the difference?

Grammar: I noticed quite a few misspellings, and a quite a few jumbled up sentences that could have been rewritten or revised. I don't know if Applefai just missed this, or didn't have an editor. 6/10

Characterzation: Gallus and Silverstream both seem like themselves. If I had one complaint here it's about those of Mount Aris and seaequestria. even though their appearance is brief, it feels "off" for them to suddenly be so open to letting a stranger, a griffon nonetheless have the ablity to come back and forth whenever he needs. It's much to quick and rushed, and it makes them look stupid. 6/10.

Story/Concept: The concept is simple at it's base which is often a double edged sword, either you are just another hearthswarming piece that everyone is tired of, or you get things like "a christmas carol" that had become classics. This doesn't even feel generic. It just feels like it was there. I can't fully understand the decision to make this a hearthswarming piece as most of it doesn't have much to do with the holiday outside of Gallus's backstory. And there's much more interesting approaches that could have been taken.
Like let's say Gallus is downtrod about the holiday and doesn't want to bother anyone, so decides to spend his time studying for the upcoming semester at the school of friendship. You wouldn't even need Silverstream here, this could just be a look inside Gallus and his feelings and letting the reader connect with him on a deeper level. Instead we just get what I call a "subpar piece"
5/10

Overall thoughts: Honestly, this story could easily be skipped if you don't like Hearthswarming stories, though there isn't much of the holiday here. It's mostly just Gallus being sad, and Silverstream wanting to be a good friend. But the dots, they don't connect and make this a STORY. There's something here. But as it is, it needs work. I'd suggest a rewrite if you really want to tell this story, go full out, and remember to pace yourself. A good story takes time and dedication, and stories like this feel rushed like you just had to publish it to get it out there. 5/10

Final score: 4+6+5+5+5/5=21/30
Roughly: 5/10

To Applefai: I know these kind of reviews aren't easy to hear, but you need to hear them in order to grow. I hate when something I worked on is torn apart and it makes me cry, but I've learnt if Dreams of Ponies (an old editor of mine) hadn't been so cruel, I would've never learnt the things I know now. Take it with a grain of salt, and use it to improve, and I hope to see more stories from you. Remember this is just another step on your journey. You may stumble and fall, but you can always get back up again.

Applefai