• Member Since 25th May, 2017
  • offline last seen 41 minutes ago

Applefai


Hey y'all. I'm a christian brony born in 1996, I just love making stories. Picture of my oc done by a really good friend of mine.

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I never thought i could open up like that, all my life i practically raised myself. No other griffon paid me any mind, not a very friendly mind at least. That all changed when a friend maybe even more helped me embrace my feelings and let others into my life and into my heart.

Art done by: https://www.deviantart.com/rocket-lawnchair/art/Birds-of-a-Feather-812195514

https://www.fimfiction.net/user/74143/Rocket+Lawn+Chair

Edits done by: https://www.fimfiction.net/user/328896/Firestorm808

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 59 )

Good story, but there are some misspelling. One that is pretty hilarious when you read it.

9139092
glad you liked it. also could you please point out the spelling error so i can see the hilarity you talk about?

9142335
The word tear you spelt as teats. Also you addded silverstream right after silverstream.

9142729
Ah thanks.

I think my phone autocorrected. I'll see if I can't edit

I enjoyed it, it was really heartwarming. Though some advice, it's better to include more actual dialogue since it gives the story more life and can make things more enjoyable for the reader.

9143485
Thanks, glad you liked it

This was a really good story, I enjoyed it very much.

9143485
Glad you liked it and duly noted. If ya want to take a look at my other fanfics

DexThePony: I enjoyed it, it was really heartwarming. Though some advice, it's better to include more actual dialogue since it gives the story more life and can make things more enjoyable for the reader.

Yeah, I agree with this guy.
Also, it would have been better if you had Gallus turn into a "sea-griffon" of some kind. You could've described it and stuff and made the story that much more interesting.
This is a very touching story, and both Gallus and Silverstream are very much in character. I would have liked to have seen more dialogue from the other hippogriffs though, they just seem to be just there. A little more effort could have made this worthy of being featured.
I STRONGLY suggest rewriting this story, because it has tons of potential.

9160390
I'll take that under consideration. I'm also glad you liked it

I think this is an overall good story and is a cute ship story for Gallus and Silverstream. But I just have a few constructive criticisms to offer you.

The overall idea for the story is good, but it feels like you do too much explaining and not enough showing. The only time the characters actually speak, instead of the narration explaining something, is at the beginning at the school when Silverstream invites Gallus. The ending scene between them when Gallus kisses Silverstream and tells her how he feels about her is meant to feel romantic, but it also feels a little rushed since we only see them share one conversation in the story, and don’t actually hear about Gallus’s feeling for Silverstream until then.

Like I said, it is still a good story, but I feel it could have been better if you expanded it a little. Maybe instead of a one shot it could have been multiple chapters, each day having its own chapter and letting us see more of Gallus interacting with Silverstream and her family and we see how the two feel about each other and the romantic tension between them building up instead of just being told about it at the end, maybe even have Silverstream’s family tease her about bringing her “boyfriend” home.

9178579
I'll consider that. Thank you. I may not be able to add new chapters, but I think k I can edit it to where it's more descriptive

9179774
I agree with SuperSonicHeroes. I feel this what a bit rushed. It is good but I feel it lacks more description and detail on what they did. Also if I may suggest, you did mention Gallus having feelings for Silverstream, but you didn't mention on her having feelings for him, even though it is obvious, it would still make more sense to mention how she had feelings for him.

This fanfic has so much potential, but I feel a lot of it is kinda rushed and wasted. I actually had an idea like this. Would you mind if I write my own version that would be similar in story structure to yours but a little different telling wise? I don't want to look like I stole your ideas.

9188211
I don't mind, but that's up to fimfiction staff as well.

i do plan on making some edits in the near future, I already made a few edits due to spelling and duplicate words.

I'll keep y'all updated in the comments of any updates i made or you might see for yourself.


I kindly thank y'all for giving be constructive criticism and liking my story. I hope I can keep writing stories like these and many others.

It's gotten better but I still feel it's still missing detail.

9191662
I'll be making a few edits here and there whenever I can.

Thank ya I'm glad you like it

9191744
Yeah. Normally I try to find Smolder x Gallus. But I got curious for Silverstream x Gallus after one of the chapters in Jay David's Young Six story.

9190452
Okay thanks! BTW, just in case I sounded rude, it's not a bad story. I like the whole feel good aspect to the story. It just needed more time to develope. At least, to me.
(I'd also add a conflict but then it's something entirely different so as it is, it's great).

9194186

You're welcome.

And I didn't find ya rude

hopefully I made some good edits and I hope y'all enjoy them.

Spelling and grammar errors aside. It's nice to finally have a proper Gallstream fic on this site.

9198132
Thanks, and if you could kindly point out the grammatical and spelling errors I'll fix them

9198695
"Gallus said that he appreciates her concern, but he had had to, to which Silverstream asked why" Had used twice in row
"Once they arrived at Mount Aris Gallus was a little scared of going underwater" Missing Comma: Mount Aris, Gallus
"Silverstream just hugged him more tighter and said that she's sorry" Childish word use and missing Comma: Silverstream just hugged him even tighter, and said that she was sorry.
"At this moment Silverstream just grabbed Gallus's taloned hand and reassured him that she is positive her family and friends will indeed accept him she turned leaned over and gave Gallus a kiss on the cheek with him flushed with blush and in complete shock." Context symbols such as commas seem to be completely missing, also needs to be split into 2 sentences with the second slightly reworded: At this moment Silverstream just grabbed Gallus's taloned hand, and reassured him that she is positive her family and friends will indeed accept him. She then turned to Gallus, leaned over and gave him a kiss on the cheek which left him with a blush and in complete shock.
"Ocean Flow then spoke. "It's nice to finally put a face to the name, I will go prepare the guest room for you, we a truly grateful that our daughter has finally found her special someone." Correction: we are truly grateful
"Ocean Flow realizing that they are being rude asked Gallus to tell them all about himself to which sparked a nervous twitch from Gallus tightening his grip on the spoon he was holding." Unnecessary word missing commas: Ocean Flow realizing that they are being rude, asked Gallus to tell them all about himself, which sparked a nervous twitch from Gallus, tightening his grip on the spoon he was holding.
"May I be excused for a moment?" Gallus asked to which Ocean Flow said he did't need to ask." Forgot the N in Didn't. Also comma needed after "Gallus asked, to which Ocean flow said that he didn't need to ask,"
"That night Silversteam is awakened by Gallus pacing the floor, well kind of, she goes to check on him and asks what's wrong." Misspelled Silverstream's name by forgetting the 2nd R. Also missing word, needs to begin sentence as "Later that night,"
"Siverstream touched that he is opening up more just smiles and assures him everything will be ok, and that he is always welcome to spend the holidays with them if he wants before going back to bed." Misspelled Silversteam's name AGAIN. Only this time you forgot the i in Silver.
" Silverstream encourages him to take a swing. Gallus puts on the blindfold and takes a swig releasing the goodies inside on the first swig with the entire party congratulating him." A Swig refers to drinking a beverage, not the Swing of a bat at a piñata. Swig needs to be replaced with Swing
There are also many other instances of Missing commas, I could list them now... but that might break the comment's character limit.

9198874
Kk, thanks. I'll make the corrections when I can. And please let me know about the other mistakes at your leisure.

I truly appreciate your help.

By any chance are you a proof reader?

I have another fic I want to get on here that has failed twice and could use the help.

9198874
I've made the changes that you listed.


If there are indeed anymore, please tell me in the comments

9204488
"Gallus"? Silverstream spoke as Gallus was packing to which Gallus took notice and responded "oh, hello Silverstream, Happy Hearth's Warming."
"Gallus?" Silverstream spoke as Gallus was packing his bags, Gallus took notice to this and responded. "Oh, hello Silverstream, Happy Hearth's Warming."

(This could be too much to read, but I have no idea of simplifying it to be smaller.)

I’m afraid that I find this to be rather mediocre, in my honest opinion. As some other’s are saying, everything happens too fast, there isn’t enough character dialogue to drive it along, commas in sentences are either too many or too few, and scenes are poorly described while not helping the story to really develop and become something truly special for both Gallus and Silverstream’s potential to find love in each other.

As good as it seems to be, for the idea of it all, I know it can be better and I really want it to be. It’s like I want to believe that Gallus feels sad about having no family to call his own, and feeling conflicted by all around him showing love and care while he might’ve regarded himself as the Griffon that even Griffonstone doesn’t want. This could even include him and Starlight having a proper conversation instead of it just being that she tells Gallus “follow your heart” and it’s already over.

Even meeting Silverstream’s family needs a lot more than what it has, such as introducing Gallus to Queen Novo since she is related to Silverstream as her aunt. I also understand that he feels a need to hide the truth from them all in fear of being judged, although as it is now looks very unconvincing.

But even with my certainty about this, there’s even more that I wouldn’t know when it comes to directing a story like this one in a way that makes it unforgettable, heartwarming and something to enjoy again and again. Don’t only take me at my word though, everyone else who has said it before me might know it all better than I do, as my experience in storytelling is very lacking and I have no confidence to try for myself.

Please consider letting this whole fic undergo an overhaul, however many people this takes, so that by the end we can all feel a true enjoyment in Gallus and Silverstream earning each other’s heart, as it is a romance story after all. Thank you.

9205969
I'll consider it, although it still may be one chapter.

Due to the rules of fimfiction it you have to have 1,000 words.

And I highly recommend you trying your hand at writing fiction, don't be afraid.

I started out with a family reborn and this one about Gallus and Silverstream is the most viewed of my fics so far.

I believe you can make awesome fics as well, to quote the Nike commercials DO IT! JUST DO IT!

I believe you can do it

9206189
It's not about fear, it's not being motivated. There's no motivation to try, at all, and that's really all I can say.

9206215
Ah, why aren't ya motivated though?

9206410
That isn’t something even I know the answer to. 🙁

YES! YOU UPGRADED IT! Now it's so awesome and well written and everything! You have actual talent in writing, and the story is even sweeter! Good job!

9206882
Kk but I would like you to try someday, I want to see what you can do

9207608
No promises. And only time will tell. 🙂

9205344

I've made the change. If you see any more errors please let me know.




9205969
I might not add more chapters in this one, but I'm currently working on another multi chapter fic.

9208492
Okay then. Not that I was expecting further chapters, but still okay.:pinkiesmile:

9208492
Before coming to this conclusion though he talked to Starlight a week before the holiday who had no idea to tackle this situation and told him to just follow his heart, but unannounced to them Silverstream had overheard the conversation and left undetected. Missing Words, Missing commas. Wrong words, rearrangement needed, missing explanation.

Before coming to this conclusion though, he talked to Starlight a week before the holiday. but she had no idea how to tackle this situation, and just told him to, follow his heart, but unbeknownst to them, Silverstream had overheard the entire conversation from an adjacent room, and left undetected.

9217209
Kk, I'll make the changes as soon as I can. Thanks

9217209
I've made the changes. Let me know of any others and I'll make them

I LOVED this story!!! :D Would be AWESOME if you came up with a sequel about after Hearths Warming like maybe when they reveal that they are officially dating , or if they had been keeping it secret for a while but then they got caught or something.

9240582
Intriguing, I'll take that under consideration

At the family dinner they all said grace and began to eat asking each other of current events and what's new in their lives as they all shared a meal of soup, kelp fritters, and clam juice.

Wait. Soup? But they're underwater.

....
was extecpting romantic teen drama.
but tis all sap.

Silverstream just hugged him more tighter, and said that he had her condolences that he felt that way and that she never knew, to which Gallus said it was ok and that he'll see her after break.

This feels like it should be dialogue.
Okay, scratch that. A lot of parts felt like they should have been dialogue.

"I-II-It's just a friendly peck on the cheek, I kinda do it to everyone."

Sure, it was, and sure, you do. :ajsmug:

Okay, confession time, I only read this for the ship. The story overall, eh, isn't bad, but it's a little "cough" a lot "cough" unrefined. Like I said earlier, parts felt like they needed to be dialogue, other parts felt like they needed dialogue added, and other parts felt like they needed more description and detail. However, the concept is wonderful, and I did enjoy reading it, so thumbs up for that.

You're gonna want to look over the grammar and the pacing. It's also kinda blunt.

9331142
I'll work on the grammar. If you would be so kind to point them out please

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