TAmorphous: The Tale of Arcadês the Immortal

• MLP: FiM
• Romance
• Adventure
• Tragedy

When Twilight stumbles on an ancient tome telling them the last known location of the legendary pony alchemist Arcadês, Twilight and her friends simply must go and learn her secrets. What they gain though, is far more than any of them ever dreamed.

• Sex
• Death
• OC
• Main 6
• Starlight Glimmer

Quillian Inkheart · 15k words  ·  25  2 · 659 views

Summary: The great earth pony alchemist, Arcadês, sought to discover the secret to immortality during the reign of Discord. Little is known about the legendary alchemist today during the Age of Friendship, as all records were believed to have been destroyed amidst the chaos of the Mad-King's reign. Now, so many years later, while searching through the tomes in the Castle of the Two Sisters, Twilight finds a record written by Celestia and Luna that marks the last known location of Arcadês who, in that very book, is given the title "the Immortal."

Following the trail left by her mentor and friend, Twilight adventures to the location specified in the book with her friends in tow. Twilight had followed the book expecting to find journals or perhaps potions. Instead, she found a story.

What follows is the tale of a troubled pony, seeking for their place in the universe. What do you do when your mind is shaped by your world and your world is one of insanity and chaos? What do you believe when nothing is believable? And how far would you go to reach an impossible, improbable dream?

Initial thoughts: Alright, first of all, that description. Does it need to be that long? Could have been worded a lot better to not be a huge chunk of text on the story description. I am not sure how to feel about this. It's a story about an anicent legendary pony, but it kind of jumps from past to present, and while Quillian Inkheart states every two chapters will be past, then one present, shouldn't it be more concise? I don't know. However, this story is currently incomplete and I'm not sure when it might be finished but as it stands it's a complicated mess, and there's a lot I want to say, so here we go. 6/10

What I liked: I liked the thought of exploring this legend, she herself is a "mystery" and the tale is told through narration but the focus is on her and her struggles. I like that she isn't perfect, and that her flaws often keep her from accomplishing certain things and how she gets consumed with her work, she doesn't even realize that she is getting ill. I also liked that we get to see more Zebras, I think we could have gotten more info and backstory on the shaman, but this story isn't about her, it's about Arcades.

What I didn't like: Romance out of nowhere. It's never shown why the male Zebra suddenly develops feelings for Arcades, just he loves her and confesses this to her and they get together. *yawns* Really? I mean I know the focus isn't romance here as far as I can tell it's tagged, but it's not really developed well. I know Quill can do better than this. If you are going to take the leap into romance at least give us more reason to believe why this Zebra would fall for Arcades. Also, sometimes the details feel over complicated. Like it could have been a lot more straight forward and to the point, where Quill seems to make it drag on a bit at times to add "dramatic" effect and drama.

Grammar: This story has old ponish, and not sure how much this was looked into, but I can't really say much about it, because I myself don't know much. Overall the grammar is pretty good. 9/10.

Characterzation: Arcades is the main character here, and the focus on her shows. I like that we get to know her throughout the piece and that she is interesting, however some might find her a bit too "perfect" I can see her flaws, but some might not. It all depends on how you see her. For the main six, they are all handled well for the small screen time they have. I honestly wonder why this story wasn't read like a book. but more on that shortly. 8/10

Story/Concept: This idea of a legendary pony alchemist that achieved immortality by becoming a slime. Well...I can't say I saw this coming, nor did I know that it would be gripping. The story goes from past to present, and as long as you know after every two chapters there is a chapter in the present you can keep track of past and present, but could've been conveyed better story wise. Like taking a moment with Arcades and Twilight simply taking about the past as it leads back into the present. Also I should mention this pony was around during Discord's reign, where everything was chaos, but it doesn't really focus too much on this at all, mainly in the first chapter. Overall, not bad, decent. 7/10

Overall thoughts: I wish there was more to this, but I have to judge on what's here. And for what's here it's a solid tale of a legendary pony that may or may not exist. Arcades is interesting, but I didn't see the need for the romance here, and felt like it was lack luster. I was far more interested in the legend, and that just kind of just goes "a wall" if you know what I mean. Yes you can do both a folklore with romance, but spend the time to make me believe it rather than just ponyxzebra get together, everything is perfect until she gets terribly ill. 7/10

Final score: (6+9+8+7+7/5)=31.4
7/10
To Quillian Inkheart: I hope my feedback has been helpful, and if you have any questions, comments or concerns just let me know. Keep on writing!

7028009
Thanks for the imput! I don't actually remember putting this up for review, but I'm glad I did!

The romance was... difficult. You need to realize that this story will span about fifty-five years in seven chapters. Doing some math shows that each chapter skips about 7-8 years. This isn't always the case -- sometimes it's more, sometimes it's less -- but I have a lot of ground to cover in a short period of time. It's brutal. But I do think you're right; I should've at least had her flash-back to a scene of them growing together. I just wanted to avoid flashbacks within a flashback to keep things from getting too confusing...

Oh, and as for the Old Ponish, it's actually very researched -- kinda. See, it was discovered that Old Ponish has roots in a combination of Old English and Germanic; I used this guide here as a base and improvised when needed. However, I always tried to stick to the original feel of the language, getting the Germanic translation first and aiming to keep it close to that, while also giving it a unique flair.

Thanks again for the review! It makes some strong points that I'll need to fix, either through edits or later chapters.