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Read: Completed as of this review at 3,114 words, 2 chapters
Rating: 2/10
Recommendation: Skip

This was a story that I wanted to like. Originally, I’d read it because the idea of a mute or semi-mute character sounded interesting and so did MLP transposed into a Gilded Era universe. However, I didn’t really like what I saw.

To begin with, Artist’s actual writing isn’t good. There’re more grammar mistakes than I can count and none of the dialogue sounds realistic in the slightest - neither Twilight nor Night Light sound like themselves or even themselves if they were Victorianized. Scene transitions are rough to say the least and the narration and depiction of action in the story falls flat most of the time. Admittedly, the second chapter is a dramatic improvement, all the way to “okay” but that was co-written and, as far as I understand, that isn’t going to apply for any upcoming chapters.

My second gripe would be the characterisation. As somebody with markedly little experience with the non-functioning autistic, I can’t really say whether or not Artist lands Noah’s (the orphan) character or not. However, I do have a lot of experience watching MLP and I can safely say that Twilight is not here. Neither is her father who, for reasons known only to the writer and the stars above, decides to kill his grandson some ways into the second chapter. Yeah, seriously. Out of nowhere.
Lastly, in terms of the titular Victorian way of life, that’s not something that comes through particularly well here either, save for the discussions about the trains the characters take in the second chapter. What attitudes and values any characters might have had are totally lost under the poor dialogue and narration and the descriptions of the setting don’t really conjure in my mind pictures of  the 1880s so much as they do just general opulence. Granted, Night Light might be a social darwinist or something of the like but he’s so cartoonishly evil that it's hard to really believe he could be a person. He just seems to exist to torment Twilight which, again, is out of character for him.

Plot: 1/5. Decent idea, poor execution.
Characters: 1/5. Out of character, unrealistic.
Style: 1/5. Hard to read with poor grammar.
Execution: 1/5. Nonexistent.
Overall Rating: 4/20 = 2/10

To Artist: Work on your grammar. I know that you’re not a first language English speaker but you are writing in English and if your writing is littered with grammar mistakes and spelling and syntax errors, it isn’t going to be easy to read. Next, work on your characterisation. The characters, first and foremost, don’t seem real at all - they’re almost caricatures of stereotypes. I’d also advise for you to get an editor - there are forums on the site to ask for help and I’d say you should ask. 

For something like this: Cubic Zirconiadoes the concept of orphans and opulence far better.
The Sordid Story of Silver Spoon conveys an abusive parentage more effectively.

As always, if you enjoyed this review, why not check out more of my writing here?

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I helped to edit this. It probably shows...

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Thanks