TOut of the Slums

• MLP: FiM
• Romance
• Drama
• Slice of Life

A young zebra escapes his old life and attempts to start a new one on the streets of Manehattan.

• Sex
• Narcotics
• Violence
• Profanity
• OC
• Other
• Main 6

A Crisp 20 Dollar Bill · 13k words · 416 views

Summary: Kamili, a young zebra, has grown up in poverty in Manehattan all of his life. After dropping out of high school, he was only getting by working as a partner to his brother's drug operations. But, after barely escaping a hostile attack by enemies of his older brother, he has a chance to start over.

Overall thoughts: This story is about Kamili and honestly, I couldn't tell you a whole lot about him even after reading it. And even though profanity is a part of this story, I really feel it could have been toned down a bit. Overall, it's by no means terrible. Perhaps it's just not my cup of tea, but I can't truly say I enjoyed reading this. Nor have I learned much about the character it's supposed to be about. 5/10

Creativity: I can't recall seeing many pieces that not only focus on gangs, but Zebras, and how the mane six would deal with a situation like this. So in that regard, the idea itself is a good one. Just not the best execution. My advice is before even getting into the meat of the story, let us into Kamili's life, and let us see the world through his eyes. Rather than just diving straight in. 7/10

Grammar: Honestly, even I can see there are flaws with the grammar. It's nothing over the top, or that truly distracts from the reading, but it's just one of those it irks you when you see a mistake. It doesn't happen often, so I'm guessing it got glanced over in the editing stage. 6/10

Additional thoughts: I don't even know if this author is still around, but if you are, my advice is to keep trying. You can only improve from here. It's clear you have talent, just perhaps this wasn't the best piece for me to look over. I do want to know more of Kamuli and his journey, but I can't say I'd read it if it was set up similar to how Out of the Slums was.

Final score: 6/10. MEH.

Thanks a bunch for the review!

I've been pretty apathetic to continue the story for a while, but I do want to start writing again after I get done with all my final projects. I appreciate your criticism and I'll definitely try my best to improve my writing.