https://www.fimfiction.net/story/404284/broken-tiara

Summary of my thoughts: This is a very good idea at it's base, of two friends supporting and helping each other. However, the execution falls short. I'm left just wondering okay then...Don't get me wrong the writing isn't terrible, it's just choppy, and there's really no reason for it to be in the perspective of first person. It's not terrible, but it doesn't leave me "feeling" anything, and I feel a story like this should have me feeling something. 2.5/5

Drama- I felt the drama was a bit overplayed here. Yes, obviously there will be drama in this kind of situation. However, with some chances in dialogue, or simply more description, it could have gotten the same message across much more effectively.

Sad- This fic is supposed to be sad, but I'm like just feeling okay then. There needs to be more emotion. Not everything has to be said. You can get people to feel things with just having Silver Spoon hold Diamond Tiara, without all the needless dialogue, makes it drag a bit.

Slice of Life: Seeing as this is in Equestria girls, the first thing I ask is why does Silver spoon, not just go downstairs and use her door instead of jumping down a tree. It makes no sense and comes out of nowhere. However, the other aspects of slice of life, are portrayed fairly well, if not at times, a bit dull.

Overall thoughts: I did enjoy this story, despite all it's issues. I feel a rewrite is all this really needs to be something great. With a lot of emotional stakes, and all of the feels, but as it is, I can't say it's worth rereading, or adding to favorites. It's just "okay" and really, I feel you could do better.

Overall score: 3/5, mainly due to the issues I mentioned above. But, don't be discouraged~ Keep writing! You can only improve from here.

Note: Don't know how I did, but just let me know Azure.

This might seem a little awkward, but I think you were supposed to send this to Azure in a PM.

6808257

6808274
Yep, that was the idea, but I checked our conversation and I was a bit unclear with the sentence: 'Show them to me' it seems Of course I ment via PM, but alright, I just copy paste this one

6808257 I was unaware you reviewed it and for that, I apologize. As for the story itself, I'll admit I didn't take as much time as I did with my last mother's day story and I apologize for it not being to your liking. Maybe I'll do a re-write in the future but I dont see it happening anytime soon. Thank you for the review.

6808853
She is actually in the phase of doing test reviews, so this is not the final version of her review

I am actually in a converstation with her via PM to adjust her Review more to the groups standarts, so I suggest to check on it later. Though, for a first draft she made a very good one.

6808918 Okay. My apologies for the confusion. I couldnt tell if it passed or not

Summary: I really like the idea of this, Silver Spoon helping Diamond Tiara in her time of need, however the execution falls a bit flat, at least in my opinion. The writing is overall, not bad, but not great either. Also, why is this in first person? If you wanted to stick to that, I think it would make more sense for it to be from Diamond Tiara's point of view, to help get the message across about how sometimes all we need is support of a good friend.

Overall thoughts: I liked the story, despite it's flaws, I feel all it really needs is a rewrite with the same precise, just either in 3rd person or 1st person in DT's prespective. I feel that would have helped the story greatly. Also, show don't tell. You don't have to have Diamond Tiara tell everything, you could simply have her clinging to Silver spoon for dear life, while balling her eyes out. Having Silver spoon gently just rub at her back, and soothe her. I'll admit even I struggle with this at times, but practice makes perfect. Keep writing!

Made some adjustments, with the help of Azure. Gives Azure cookies.
Rating:
Emotions: 6/10 In a way I feel you overplayed the emotion at certain parts. Let me give an example.

She sighed. “All I want to do sometimes is to forget absolutely everything I’ve done. Y’know? Reset myself, move on with life as somebody else. I know that forgiveness probably isn’t gonna happen anytime soon, but I’m notgoing to give up. Every time I see my mom get worked up like that, it just-ugh, what choice do I even have?!” DT stared at me with burning eyes. “I don’t want to hear her say that I’m special or that I’m better off than othersagain. I don’t want to be told that I shouldn’t feel bad, not from her, of all people!” She motioned towards her black eye with a toothy grin. “I told her, if she doesn’t start treating dad better sometime soon, than she’d better start treating me waaayworse than even I did to everyone else.” There was a visible strain to her voice as she took a deep breath. “I saw, at exactly that moment,” She began with a wheeze, “I saw the fire in her eyes. She was beyond infuriated at that point. Some… very ugly words were thrown between us, even to the point of me yelling that I wished I’d never been born.”

Right here we are supposed to feel terrible for Diamond Tiara and what she's going through, but why should she be getting this upset at a pony that has done nothing but mistreat her? Granted, I understand wanting to see good in everyone, but there is nothing good about Spoiled Milk. However, I do feel that the emotion gets across how strained Diamond Tiara is of trying to get along with her shattered family.

Idea: The idea is good, if a bit common. After all the idea of supporting a friend in a time of need. However, the execution falls a bit flat, at least in my opinion. I'm left just going "okay" then. There is nothing outright horrid with the story, but there is also really nothing special, it's just there. 7/10

Grammar: The grammar is actually not half bad, there's bit and pieces that could be adjusted, some commas removed, but nothing too serious. 8/10

I see a lot of potential. 7/10 total score.

6811183

Made some adjustments, with the help of Azure. Gives Azure cookies.

Azure Approves!

6809019
So she made a review according to the group standarts now, enjoy

6811246 That's good. What I said earlier still remains the same but at least it wasn't as bad as I thought it was(although it's still not great)
6811183 Thank you for the re(re)view. What I said previous still remains the same but I hope it doesn't turn you away from the rest of my content.