TSpectrum of Lightning

• MLP: FiM
• Adventure
• Thriller

Dive into the secret past of Twilight Velvet—mother of the Princess of Friendship—as she embarks on her first guns-blazing adventure with the Whip-Cracking Crusader. Volume 1 of Daring Did: Tales of an Adventurer's Companion

• Violence
• Profanity
• Alt. Universe
• OC
• Other
• Daring Do
• Twilight Velvet
• Night Light

Seriff Pilcrow · 119k words  ·  270  3 · 5.3k views

Summary

So quick note for anyone reading this, I suggest reading this before going for the spoilers. Trust me when I say some of the stuff in this will make more sense if you do.

So for an adventure, thriller story the world building, character developments and timeline structure are both semi-strong and realistic for our world however, considering how the story moves that's not unexpected. And that's not a bad thing, however it makes certain continuities to the original show hard to accept.

I have to say for the tags that this story has, it's hard to believe that the tag Comedy is not a part of it, unlike most comedy based stories I've read over the years this uses Comedy both realistically and narratively, making self-aware jokes that are not fourth wall breaking, and that are incharacter.

The amount of love and carefulness to make this story in other media such custom art work (Only lasted 3 chapters) and music, really show how much care Seriff Pilcrow and AdmiralKew has put into this story.

This is the music I revenced:

However, the largest problem is with the protagonists, (there's an s there because this seems like a two protagonist story) and who the audience is following, honestly there needs to be more interaction with the physical world then Spike's imagination.

Ratings

World:

7/10

The story tells everything that's needed to grab an audience and make them think however, after Chapter 7 there is a conflict on knowledge and questions such as: how does Spike who hasn't travelled that far know about these locations or why was this information written in the journal if Velvet already know so much? (Go into Feedback for more information). And the concept for magic is extremely interesting, this explores the author's idea's on magic and it's limitations which I believe most stories should do if they involve magic within them.

Language:

8/10

The descriptions and dialogue are perfect however, the descriptions are starting to lean to over-descriptions near the new chapters, there is another problem with the language that I'll mostly give feedback for. However, Besides all that, the dialogue on it's own is a 10/10 because it reaches the perfect mixture between monologues and realistic conversation which is a difficult creation to produce.

Characters:

8/10

Honestly the characters are perfect and are truly beaded in stone when in comes to experiences and reactions being realistic, I'm also being nice with the 8/10 rating mostly because of the fact that the characters are still being explored if this was classified as complete I would of given the characters 6/10 mostly from the missed opportunity of the characters personalities.

Also the tag alt-universe is perfect because I can't see these characters in the show, but I can see myself bumping into people with these personalities.

Feedback

Time for the part that everyone loves.
Please remember these are just suggestions based on experience and knowledge of story writing. Thank you.

Most of the problems are with the extreme use of certain words:

• There is a heavy use on words latter and former, it's no bad using it however, using formal language like that can disconnect the audience from the story. It's okay to some times say who reacted to what, even if you already mentioned that character/object in the sentence.

• Another extreme use is with the line:

  punctuated his/her point with his/her hoof.

  there isn't a problem with it however you should mix up some of the words every now and then with words such as "gestures" or the simple term of "lifted his/her hoof to emphasise their point".

• The word 'contorted' for expressions. This word is heavily used in the beginning chapters but slowly dies down, but is still relevant because it is still used. Try changing the beginning chapters so this term isn't overused so quickly.

With the protagonists problem I just feel that spike gets left out and the fact that there is no interaction with him throughout the story after chapter 7 even through it is told through spikes eyes and Velvet's narrative. I think what you did with the number of chapter's between spikes interactions before chapter 7 were actually go pacing with his influences.

6768500
Congrats for your first official puplished Review in the group!