Is ready for review!

First brand-new draft in quite some time. Enjoy, and let me know what you think!

Remember, this is a fresh draft, so please don't be surprised if it's not as polished as my older drafts.

5008232 , I'll see if I can get around to looking at this.

5008232
Okay, let's delve in.
I didn't see any problems with the timing of events, everything seemed to gel together pretty well, with Fluttershy popping out to talk with Luna then returning later. That and Nyx meeting up with Twilight and Luna later on, good stuff

I quite liked Tree Hugger (good depiction btw), especially when you learn she was drafted in at the last second, her being zoned out to what's going on helps the chapter keep the upbeat tone that was created before they set off on the journey.

Dr. Silverheart is a tough one to pin down, at the moment he/she seems a bit flat, you can see this guy is all work. I wonder if it might be worth giving him a very morbid sense of humor, finding something funny in the macabre. Either that or Rumble pokes fun at his stiff demeanor, much to his/hers annoyance.

We're given a bit of background on the Flitter/ Fluttershy feud from Flitters perspective as well as more background on the Changeling famine which was a nice bit of world building on top of personal stuff

It was good to see Nyxs relief at seeing her mother with everything that's happened, that was a touching scene and I'm glad that Twilight noticed that something wasn't right. Having Nyx focus on Lemondrops father was a good move, it naturally dominates her thoughts and keeps her from divulging the really serious stuff.

Finally, we get into the gritty detail of the plague itself, we see what internal damage the parasite has done and have the characters theorizing on what kind of behavior they'd expect as a result. It's good foreshadowing for what's to come and make's it clear that anypony reaching this stat of infection is too far gone to be saved.

One addition that might add to this, have the infected sensory organs become overdeveloped, it would convey increased eyesight, hearing and sense of smell, they'd become more predatory in nature which would reinforce that these infected are very dangerous when on the hunt.

Overall a pretty solid chapter that gives the reader some horrible hints of what is to come, but also some character moments that reveal some history

Glad you liked the chapter!! I've been wanting to give you some new content for months, and I know you've never seen the old chapter eight draft from November 2014, as there's no way I was going to show anyone that once I learned to write. It's just dreadful. But I did take the old text and mark off all the bits I wanted to carry forward into the finished product. So far, only the first 8 of 22 pages of the text is marked off as covered! This makes it pretty clear that splitting the chapter was the best move because there's a lot more coming, and surely it will expand quite a bit.

Treehugger... lol yeah, well that was totally on impulse to include her in the story. It's no secret that I don't like the character. But you have to be careful when depicting characters you don't like for the sake of depicting characters you don't like. The fact that MLP itself doesn't really take her too seriously helped. I mean, how seriously can you take a stoner hippie anyway? Making her clueless (like she seems to be in the show) was a winning move I think. I added the "peace out with us" line at the last minute, thinking it'd be funny if she thought the Ministry of Peace was something entirely other than what it actually is. If I were to flesh out the character more, maybe I could have her be an anti-war activist or something stupid like the real life stoner hippies from the late 60's. Not sure how well that would fly though, since in my story, Equestria is on the defending side meaning if you're anti-war you're basically okay with your nation being overrun. In a genocidal war like this one, that's pretty much a death wish.

Overall though, I was just feeling in a funky mood that day when I was drafting. Kind of feeling like a pissy smartass for a moment, which is not how I usually write. So I was a touch concerned about tone problems. I do have to be in a pretty specific mood in order to write well. That, plus I need no distractions and peace and quiet. Usually late at night when I know I won't be bothered. Makes for short windows of time and lots of days where I can't write at all. It can get frustrating, and weird results happen if I force myself to write anyway, as you can see.

Silverheart... eh maybe a morbid sense of humor would be appropriate. The tone of the analysis scenes is mostly serious, though, with Rumble providing comic relief in spots. How'd you like the "normal brain" quip? I'm still not sure about the gender. I could leave the character alone as male, I suppose. The "normal stallion" line Silverheart gives in reference to Rumble's brain might have more punch of the character were female though. Doesn't seem to make a lot of difference. But being all-business seemed appropriate. It's kind of like when you go to see a doctor yourself. Usually they are very serious and in their own world while you are there. That's sort of what I was going for. Even Rumble's "hoof writing" comment fit with that, so at least there's sprinkles of humor in there among all that serious stuff.

But yeah eh? how about all that "neurological damage" stuff? Pretty intense. That is all new, I didn't have much other than his brain is fried and senses would be scrambled level of detail in the original. So now, we've got heaps of detail on the damage this magical neurotoxin causes. And yes, it does demonstrate that the damage is irreversible. I thought it would be interesting if they could actually tell that pain would be pleasure along with all sorts of other terrible reversals. That would actually explain the behavior of the infected. To them, shoving metal shards through your skin for decoration would seem like a good thing. Of course... that's pretty much real life as well!

WIth the Flitter / Fluttershy rift, I still wonder if readers will think "this is out of nowhere" since there has not been any previous mention of it in the first 85k words of the story. I attribute this to "the story has plenty of more important things to focus on" combined with the fact that we don't actually see these two together until now. So... meh, it's probably okay. It's also probably a good move to introduce it in this chapter and resolve it in the next (rather than being all in one chapter). The first tiny hint is when Fluttershy shows discomfort being in the same room as Flitter when they first examine the zebra. Then if the subtext fails and the reader doesn't pick up on it at all, Chocolate goes and spills it literally. I'm pretty glad to have the chance to insert all sorts of changeling exposition here, because it really shows that my changelings don't even have a hive or a queen. Their culture is very, very different than we see in other fanfics and I needed to make that clear somehow. At the same time, it plants seeds of curiosity in the reader... why is Fluttershy acting this way? I don't think anyone will see this coming!

Regarding Nyx and Twilight... how do you feel about Nyx's emotions during that scene? Too melodramatic with the tears, etc? Should I ease up on Nyx behaving in this way? Also, the paragraph with all the rapid-fire recollections Nyx has. Too much?

And yes, I've had her avoid talking to Twilight about their adventures mostly because she knows Twilight would overreact and ask all sorts of questions. Nyx being nearly killed and all. Twilight would not be happy.

I like the idea of perhaps hightened senses in the infected. If they were given some sort of predatory advantage, it would make them pretty terrifying indeed.

5011940
On the scene with Nyx and Twilight, I'd say her reaction is pretty much spot on. She's only had 15 years of experience so still has a little ways to go in learning to control her emotions, she's always been a sensitive soul. So when she sees Twilight she's instinctively looking for her mothers protection and reassurance after everything thats happened, once she has this her rational mind reasserts itself and the scene proceeds on.

The infection process gets more terrifying as we delve deeper. Them having completely rewired morality is a scary prospect in itself and combined with fucked pleasure and pain centres they become something very dangerous. It makes for some wierd reactions when you wound one of them, its sado-machism at its most extreme.

5013302

Yeah, modeling them after Firefly's Reavers is really proving to be a spot-on analogy. Nowhere in fiction have I come across any group closer to what I'm trying to depict. Borderlands had some psychos who were somewhat similar. Fallout 3's raiders (not Fallout 4) were somewhat close. Fo:E raiders aren't quite there, but have similar traits at least in the brutality. Lots of stories have tried to depict this type of thing, and there have been many attempts to explain their origins. Oh... one thing I need to ask (if you know). What about Project Horizons' raiders? If I recall near the spot I stopped reading the story, some pony was getting infected by something and ended up transforming into a psychopathic cannibal right in front of Blackjack. I don't really remember the details.

As for my plague, what Silverheart has not figured out yet is the source. It's a magically engineered neurotoxin, which is why Silverheart suspects poison. Flitter thinks it's sexually transmitted (which it is) but this doesn't jive with Silverheart's observations. Hence the misdirection within the characters, which is cool because it creates plausible obstacles in solving the mystery. Also, Silverheart notices that the body is covered with "fleas, mites, and other assorted parasites". This takes her focus off the possibility that the plague is spread by a parasite (which it is) and she neglects to analyze all the types of parasites, assuming them to all be known types. Tsk tsk. So Silverheart has an orderly clean the body. Said orderly gets infected (surprise!) Orderly works the night shift and happens to come to work the next night showing early symptoms a little like what we saw in the mayor. Orderly converts overnight in the bathroom, then attacks and kills someone coming to work early the next morning. Silverheart shows up and discovers the orderly having breakfast... They lock the pony behind a shield and use it as a live subject for further study.

5013370
Yeah, Horizons... In that the Enclave gave them infected food which turned them into feral, raider types. I think it was passed on through bites and other contact but it's been a while. They were just sadists as far as I could tell, doing it for the thrill, no rational reason. (That and so Somber could have Rampage being eaten alive, usual stuff)

Generally they followed the "gang" structure of the strongest survive, anyone else is tortured then eaten etc.

As to the scene in question, Blackjack just saved her Stable from the infected only to find they'd fed the corpses into the food processor and given out the food to the population. Blackjack realises they're infected when they start acting oddly, (avoiding the party, cold shoulder etc). The final straw is when she confronts Rivets and sees random out bursts of anger and irrational actions.

Que an over dramatic and rung out scene where Blackjack gasses her Stable etc.

5013404

Hmm, I'm afraid all of that is way beyond where I stopped reading.

The scene I'm talking about is where they had just killed Gorgon in that forced labor mine and liberated a bunch of zebras. Then the zebra sniper companion accompanying them suddenly murdered every single one of the freed zebra captives, accusing them of being traitors. This zebra then did some kind of kung fu on Blackjack which made her unable to walk or stand or something. She was recovering with the help of the ponies they had recently met, and there was something about her being alone in a room with someone who began to go crazy and get all cannibalistic. She couldn't move so she couldn't defend herself, and so it was... well, that's about all I remember. Somehow she manged to survive obviously.

I think it was this chapter.
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/208056/10/fallout-equestria---project-horizons/chapter-10-ante-up

Yep! That's the chapter.

Funny. They were taking their time getting up here. Whoever was on the stairs walked with a slow, ponderous gait that I didn’t like at all. A raspy laugh rose up the stairs as the door to the boss’s office was slowly pushed open. The brown earth pony mare swayed as she stood in the door. I relaxed. “Oh, hey. How are you feeling, Tumbleweed?”

Those were the stupidest words ever to come out of my mouth… today. No. Something was very wrong as she swayed on her hooves. Tears ran down her cheeks as she slumped, and the most horrible laughing, sobbing noise rose in her throat. There was blood smeared across her lips… fresh and red. Bite marks covered her legs. Hooves shook as she stared at me with eyes that were already yellowing.

“Help… me…” she begged, giggled, sobbed... all at once. I’d gone through my own share of the shakes, but I’d never seen another pony losing their mind before my eyes. Weeks to months for ‘mental decay’ my ass, Glory! Tumbleweed was falling apart in front of me, bloody froth creeping down her chin. She twitched continuously as her pinprick pupils jerked away from meeting my eyes. I started hoping this was some strange card game dream rife with metaphors. If so, I’d pass on whatever fucked-up wisdom my subconscious was trying to dredge up!

By the wonders of adrenaline, I shifted and prayed I didn’t paralyze myself. I slowly pushed myself onto my side to face her, hooves pulled up and ready. I tried to speak nice and calmly. “Tumbleweed. Where’s Glory? You need Glory.” That was a lie. She needed a lot more than Glory. She needed a prayer and a bullet; damn me, I couldn’t give her both.

“Turkey… I like turkeys... tastes good…” she whimpered, and I could only lay there in horror as I saw her raise her leg and suddenly spasm, biting down hard. As fresh blood spilled, I watched as she started to swallow. “Tastes… good… tastes so good…” she said a moment later. She gave one last sob, choking in the back of her throat. “Help me…” she whimpered before resuming giggling, long and slow, but building. My magic grasped around for something I could use as a weapon. Empty Med-X needles. Plastic jars of Buck. Fucking pillows. And as much as I wanted to help Tumbleweed, I had an even more horrifying thought: had she already come across Glory? What if some of that blood wasn’t hers?

That giggle rose higher and higher. Her entire body was shaking now. “Tastes so fucking good… fucking good… Yeah!” It was like watching somepony dying of radscorpion venom, only when she expired I was next on the menu! Sweet Goddesses, if I’d known I’d have let her die from the poison! I tried lifting the terminal on the desk, but it was bolted down. I yanked the drawers open one after the next as I looked for something lethal. A knife. A pipe. A frigging pencil. Anything! My magic rifled through each frantically. Wait! What was this?

I yanked out a clipboard covered in two hundred year old finance information. Fuck fuckity fuck fuck fuck… She lunged for the bed, bloody mouth wide and screaming in glee.

Rolling onto my back hurt like mad, but it was the only thing that let me push her away as she tried to turn me into lunch. Unlike other raiders, she wasn’t half-starved and raw. She was quite a healthy pony, and she was trying her hardest to chomp on my belly. I pushed her snapping, giggling, biting maw aside with my telekinesis and forelegs, but it was so hard. Every motion made it feel like a drill was working in my spine. And if it was true that she had a disease… rabid raider Blackjack! No thank you!

Right now though, she was stronger than me. I’d die for my baton… my gun… which was funny given I was about to die lacking them! All I had was my telekinesis, but I had to have something to use it on. It wasn’t like you could just shove telekinesis at something... right? I stared at her. “Tumbleweed. Please stop… please…” Oh don’t make me try this… “Please!” This was not an experiment I wanted to do right now! I almost didn’t want it to work. My magic focused from pushing against her head to pushing just one single point. There was no way this could work. No way. Crap...

Fuck it. I shoved my focused little cone of telekinesis right into her eye. She screamed and fell back, covering her head with her hooves as she writhed in agony. Finally she stilled, clutching the socket as clear, faintly yellow fluid crept down her cheek. “It hurts… it hurts… my head hurts… I’m so hungry... so angry… please...” she begged as she stared at me with her remaining pinprick pupil.

“Tumbleweed,” I panted, my breath hissing as I nearly hyperventilated. Oh Celestia, did that ever sting! “Have you ever eaten meat?”

“No…” She started to giggle again as she rocked towards me. “But I’d love to!”

I focused all my telekinesis into another bolt and rammed it into her head. Still not enough. I glanced at my PipBuck. Would it even work? Looking at Tumbleweed, I entered S.A.T.S., and to my surprise--and a little bit of concern--I was able to queue up two attacks: ‘Telekinetic Bullet’. My horn flashed twice and I watched the magic augur into her skull. The second time, the tiny cone of magic burst out the rear of her head. She jerked and spasmed before she slowly slid down to the floor beside my bed.

I prayed it was just my wishful thinking she looked so happy to be dead. I looked at the bites on my forelimbs, feeling a new cold worry settle in my gut. I brought up the ridiculously long list of things to worry about and scribbled the newest one on it. Then I sighed. Nothing to do about that now.

Slowly, I rolled onto my side, my horn throbbing as if I’d just been smacking myself with my own baton. “Not going to be trying that again soon,” I said softly as I looked down at the mare’s still form. Sweet Celestia, what was hell was going on here?

Wow, that means I actually read 125k words of PH! Somehow I thought it was much, much less.
In a way, this converting-raider is kind of like my Withersberg Mayor if you do a comparison. Interesting. I wonder if somehow my depiction was subconsciously influenced by this scene, cause I totally forgot reading almost all of this.

5013444
Heh whoops, I must have purged that from my brain, still nothing changes in PH, drama, drama, horror, horror etc When I look back I realise how obvious his "horror" sections are now.

I think every writer draws upon the same material, hysterics, anger and hunger it's nightmare fuel from down the ages.
It's interesting that this happens to herbivores who have no predatory instinct hidden away. I don't like how FOE shoehorned in that they could somehow eat meat
Your plague is a lot more clever though, it actually rewrites their neural network and subverts their morals. They eat because the wrongness feels good to them, its encouraged, even though they gain no nutritional benefits from it. Primarily they hunt for more hosts to increase their numbers. The murder and mutilation is kinda secondary, more for fun.

5013504
It's interesting how it works along with the parasite as well. Being an engineered plague, the parasite "knows" how to take advantage of the expected behavior. Specifically the sexual violence which it prefers using to spread itself. So the parasite will reproduce and then the new nits will work their way to the belly and wait for the inevitable. As for the social behaviors, I have it centering around a "nest" structure. When someone is infected, they seek the nest. If there is none, they will hide until they can make one.

Once a nest is identified, they switch to full-on hostile mode, attacking without fear or hesitation for the pure joy of it. The nest is their security, where they collect their captives. These captives are split into two categories. Food and reproduction. Generally, you do not want to eat those whom you wish to convert. Once the nest's numbers are strong enough, they can boldly attack the local populations, slaughtering everyone who isn't taken as a captive. Before this reveal, captives are bound and gagged. But after, they are simply left in makeshift cages because secrecy is no longer necessary.

After the local population of uninfected is effectively wiped out, the nest (town?) will form defensive functions in order to protect itself from outside attack. This is the stage Withersberg will be in once our heroes return. They will be able to use guns and fight to a limited degree of skill. Mostly the lack of skill is made up for by reckless savagery. But overall, the plague intends to absorb indefinitely. It begins in rural areas and expands outward in all directions making itself hard to contain. Once numbers are high enough, it attacks larger and larger towns. Eventually, its goal is to be able to have so many infected that they can take over large cities simply through sheer numbers. In this way, I suppose it resembles a zombie apocalypse similar to World War Z but with somewhat intelligent zombies that can fire weapons.

5008232

She felt relieved to be home after spending days in unfamiliar lands, fighting against much more opposition than they had expected, and seeing horrors far beyond what anypony could have imagined

All the events of the past week surged through her mind. The long talk with Luna. The amazing gifts. The journey through the forest, fighting off terrible beasts. The heartache of Lemondrop’s missing father. The village full of welcoming friends. The creepy butchered zebra camp. The captive innocent pony and her failed rescue. The horrors of the balefire egg explosion. The painful recovery. The deepening mystery of the zebra sickness. The meaningful time spent with very special ponies… All of it came flooding back, and for that moment, Nyx was overwhelmed by the simple, familiar comfort of the lavender colored pony who had always been there to take care of her when she was just a child.

Subtlety is a skill you seem to struggle with sometimes, unfortunately. Finding the right balance between being too shallow with descriptions and leading your reader by the nose can be a hard balance to strike, admittedly. You'll improve with time, I'm sure, and in the meantime we lovely little lumps of lard can nag you to fix it.
Oh yes, FIX IT!

Whoa hey, there. Welcome to the Ministry of Peace. Come and peace-out with us.

To disagree with Duvet up there, I think Treehugger feels a little more like a caricature than a person. Admittedly, that's what she was in What About Discord?, but that doesn't mean you can't do better. Even a little development about how the war has affected her would improve her part markedly, I think. If I recall, my suggestions were...

It all depends on just how out-of-touch you want Treehugger to be, and on how that will serve the narrative. Right now, she's there to be dumb and act as the setup for a joke. Not great. Having her be out-of-touch, but nevertheless determined to do her part for the nation, or fiercely believing that the war is wrong and searching for ways to stop it (possibly making her part of CARE's development) would be much better than what you have currently, particularly since having a character there purely to be a joke would clash with the tone up until now.

...those thingies. Isn't quoting wonderful?

“Flitter, what’s with you and the pegasus mare? Fluttershy, right? She’s been warm and sweet to everypony but seemed cold as ice toward you.”

This could do with being made more obvious in the earlier parts - the few times you do are easy to miss. Here...

“We were hoping you could tell us,” Flitter began. “I’m the medical pony of our team. We brought the body here in the hopes of solving a bit of a mystery. It was among the remains of a zebra camp. The whole camp was butchered, every body hacked apart, but this was the only one which remained intact. We think this zebra may have slaughtered his own camp. We also have reason to think there may be something infectious about the body.”

...would be the perfect spot for it. One case where you were a bit too subtle, I think.

her ears swiveled back like she had just been asked to perform in a race with Rainbow Dash in front of a thousand ponies

Your similes need to be shorter and punchier so as not to distract from the text. That's an ongoing (very minor) issue I've noticed with your writing - similes tend to drag on for longer than they need to without being comedic or intrinsically entertaining. Good use of similes and metaphors in this genre are deft and serve to more accurately convey meaning, rather than existing for the sake of being there. I'll try and dig up some good examples for you - Terry Pratchett and Douglas Adams spring to mind for excellent use of comedic metaphors, but the type you'll be using don't have such exceptional and ubiquitous authors championing their use.
Hmmm...on short notice, I'd recommend Cold in Gardez's Lost Cities as a good example of metaphor use, as well as an excellent example of descriptive language more generally. As for narrative descriptions of a character's emotions more specifically, I'd recommend Estee's Five Hundred Little Murders, which also serves as a masterclass in the third-person viewpoint and writing f@$king fantastic Fluttershy. Read them! Study them!

Nyx turned to see Luna regarding her. She wanted to spill everything that had happened during the mission all at once so that Luna would understand why she was here—now—rather than off on her simple task of fortifying rural settlements. Nyx suppressed a laugh. Simple. If only she could express how absolutely wrong that assumption had been. Words failed Nyx, and she recalled Luna’s statement as they parted earlier in the week:

This whole section is very heavy on big blocks of prose that tell the reader what Nyx is feeling. Now, unless you can make them either very IC for Nyx or intrinsically entertaining, doing that too frequently is something you'll want to avoid - it doesn't make for engaging reading. For examples of both of those things being done well, check out CiG's The Adventuring Type and MrNumbers' The Demesne of the Reluctant Twilight Sparkle, for that being done wonderfully for Rainbow Dash and Twilight Sparkle respectively. I think Demesne is first-person, but it's much the same principle and I just wanted an excuse to link MrNumbers.
We also discussed Nyx's characterisation in a PM, as I'm sure you recall. While the interpretation you're using is very valid and consistent with all the psychoanalysis you've done, it doesn't flow very well from Past Sins and the sequels, where Nyx's curiosity is one of the very few traits she has as a filly. I think more firmly establishing your Nyx as more emotionally-driven and as having a very separate thinking process from Twilight should be done earlier, when it isn't so jarring to overly-analytic nerds like me. That bit early on when Twilight visits the gang in the Underground Hideout would be perfect for that.

5019656
Ah, yes. Thanks for dragging these points into the forum where I can look them up as needed. PM threads get buried so easily, and anything beyond a few weeks old I'll never find again.

So... Treehugger: First, this is the only appearance I have planned for her because I just don't like the character and I have no desire to develop her beyond being the butt of a joke. The only reason she's even sitting at that desk is because Fluttershy's usual receptionist suddenly couldn't be there due to having a baby and Fluttershy was pressed to find a replacement asap and chose the hippie because she was available. This is convenient because she can be gone the next time I have anyone go to that ministry. As for how she might have developed as a person in the last 15 years... wow it's anyone's guess, really. Hippies become artists sometimes. Maybe she's a painter. I was thinking anti-war activist, but honestly, that mentality is so absolutely opposite of my own mentality, I might need to have someone else write her lines. If I tried it, then it'd just turn into a caricature of an anti-war activist and that's no better than what she is already.

Flitter/Fluttershy's rift: Hmm... Well, I could add some subtext into that spot you mentioned, where they are on the roof. That shouldn't be too hard. I'll see if I can make Fluttershy's discomfort a bit more obvious.

Similes: Heh, well, that's highly subjective. On the range from beige to purple prose, I tend to be somewhere in the middle. I know a lot of people are way more verbose in their descriptions than I am. It's hard to deliberately alter one's style without some sort of objective rule as to why it should be done. I could drop "in front of a thousand ponies" I suppose, and it would have a similar meaning although not quite as much since Fluttershy is famous for her performance issues when she thinks others are watching.

Blocks of text: To break up internal feeling description paragraphs, there needs to be some sort of interaction going on. In cases where it's just characters talking in a hallway, how would you recommend going about this? Without referring me to other books I likely haven't read.

Nyx's personality: You mentioned curiosity. It's important to note that curiosity can take on many forms. It's not necessarily having to do with dissecting machines like Rumble would. Sometimes, as common with the INFP's, it's a curiosity about what motivates others and learning how they fit into society. A drive to know people better is a form of curiosity. There are only a limited number of ways this can be expressed, of course. I'm curious if you can name the instances in Past Sins where Nyx's curiosity is demonstrated. Perhaps this is just standard childhood curiosity. Children are curious by default, so that's not a particularly unique trait there. Also, there's the factor that Nyx is a brand new person in Past Sins. She has zero experience with Equestrian culture despite being a ten-year-old with basic language skills. Being overly curious is easily a result of her origins, and would wear off once she got familiar with things.

As for being "more emotionally driven" I'm not sure what you're getting at. You say "show this earlier"... you mean before the prologue??! Because I pretty much show this aspect of Nyx from moment zero in the story. That's the very definition of her character. Just about every decision she makes is emotionally driven.

5019877
Treehugger - it was a minor complaint anyway. Feel free to do whatever you want with her. Do note that including a character you don't like purely to depict them as stupid probably isn't the best reasoning, but it sets up a decent joke, so who cares?
Style - well, that's fair enough. A lot of writing is somewhat subjective, and if you don't think that bit needs improvement, that's totally reasonable.
Blocks of text - I'd recommend giving more descriptions of various different characters. How does each person present react to (event)? You can then line that up to highlight differences between them and the viewpoint character, while using the third-person perspective to more directly state how the viewpoint character is feeling.
Oh, and always try to tie descriptive language back to the current scene however you can. Looking at things more carefully, what I was really complaining about was that the similes and such were jarring because they had nothing to do with the current scene.

I'm curious if you can name the instances in Past Sins where Nyx's curiosity is demonstrated.

Easy-peasy.
Chapter Two - A Secret Between Friends:

She had also demonstrated an interest in reading. She had cracked open and read a number of books, even though she struggled with the words at times. Her focus wasn’t purely on fictional stories either. She had read a few books that fillies her age would be exposed to in school: nonfiction books about a wide and almost random spectrum of subjects.

Chapter Three - School Days and Memories:

School was amazing!
Nyx could only smile, horn shimmering as she took notes feverishly. Cheerilee had started the day’s lesson with some history, teaching about Ponyville’s origins and traditions, such as Winter Wrap Up and the Running of the Leaves.

“How was Winter Wrap Up done before there were pegasus ponies in Ponyville?”

Chapter Eleven: Castle of Nightmares:

“Tell me, why were the Diamond Dogs willing to put forth so much effort for the gemstones?”

Nightmare Moon’s eyes flashed, her curiosity fed by Spell Nexus’s words. What did the Diamond Dogs do with the gems? Was Nexus right? Did they use them as a source of food or did they, in fact, roll around in them? But wouldn’t rolling around in gemstones hurt? Perhaps they had thick skin, or maybe they used the gems in another way. Perhaps they used them to make clothes or used them as a source of currency.

frown formed on Nightmare Moon’s lips. She hated it when she couldn’t find the answer to a question. Her insatiable curiosity was her vice. It was why she loved to sit in Cheerilee’s classroom every day when she was in school. Oh, how she found such joy in learning new things from the mulberry pony who—

Chapter Fourteen - Once a Crusader:

That was the one benefit she had come to enjoy as Equestria’s new queen: access to the royal library. Some of the books she had been able to read were amazing

Those are all the examples I can recall off the top of my head of Nyx being curious. Rereading the whole thing carefully would probably turn up some more. I didn't include the multiple times she's described by Twilight as 'curious' or any examples from In The Family or The Road Home.

Being overly curious is easily a result of her origins, and would wear off once she got familiar with things.

Perhaps this is just standard childhood curiosity. Children are curious by default, so that's not a particularly unique trait there

Nope. She was still curious about stuff even after having her memories restored as Nightmare Moon, and as a filly she was seeking out knowledge about various academic subjects of her own volition, instead of her immediate surroundings. In fact, I'm not totally sure where you got...

what motivates others and learning how they fit into society

...that from, other than it being a common trait of people who fit that particular psychological profile. She seems interested in a much broader range of topics, much like Twilight.
Speaking of our psychology discussion, it's worth keeping in mind that Luna isn't a particularly stable character either. Her depiction in the show is almost schizophrenic, and she hardly has a large enough part in Past Sins to make a definitive judgement on her profile. IMO, of course, you're the expert there.
Oh, and another little character quirk for Nyx that's frequently forgotten about, including by Pen Stroke:

In spite of all that had happened, Rarity’s etiquette lessons lingered with her. She did not slurp or spill; she ate the soup like a proper mare before turning open her book and continuing to read.

Not sure if that'll ever come up in your story, though.

5021609

RE: Luna, I covered her profile here. Disclaimer on that one: It was written 65 weeks ago, so it's subject to improvements.

There are generally two models of Luna in the fandom. Woobie Luna and Fighter Luna. Mine is Fighter Luna. Onlyanorthernsong can describe more about that these mean and where they come from. He's got her characterization down pretty much cold. Anyway, Luna as I depict her actually fits the INFP really well. And I think it's easier to justify Nyx matching her type than Twilight's. It's also more dramatic since this is meant to be Nyx's emotional journey to becoming a hero through this story.

The problem with Pen Stroke's Nyx is that he just tossed together contradicting personality traits when he wrote her. On one hand, Nyx is this Twilight-esque academic book-horse person with high intelligence and insatiable desire for knowledge. On the other hand, she's this overly-sensitive tear factory that's always suffering through this or that dilemma. Since you identify with Twilight... imagine yourself being a woobie you. Doesn't quite fit, I imagine, eh? I've never met an INTP that is emotionally unstable. So Pen portrays Nyx as having all this massive introverted thinking and a massive introverted feeling function. But these two are so very opposite. Still, it works because Nyx is under duress for almost the entirety of Past Sins. So we never get a baseline on "healthy Nyx" anywhere in the book.

That means anyone writing adult Nyx is free to take some liberties. Since Luna's clearly a "feeler" I think it's a safe bet to make Nyx the same. Given her "relations" to Luna, it makes total sense that they'd share a personality type. As for Nyx's curiosity, I can accept the idea of that. INFP's are very curious people. Just not about mechanical or technical things. And notice all the references you brought up where Nyx's curiosity is portrayed. It's not very technical stuff, is it?

So how does this affect my story? I think Nyx's curiosity is going to have to be manifested in areas which serve the plot. This means her curiosity will serve Nyx's drive to solve the mystery of... the plague, the everfree forest problem, and her own transformation. Because Nyx makes her decisions based on her own subjective feelings combined with her intuitive ideas, the driving forces behind her motivation will be things like compassion for others or resolve to find whoever is responsible for what's going on. This drives Nyx's hero complex much better than introverted thinking style curiosity which is essentially "learning for the sake of learning". Nyx's thinking will be extroverted (like mine) and she will have a pragmatic motivation to make what is wrong into what is right, by force if necessary. It's 4th place, but it's there. Above that will be her desire to maintain a status quo, or personal ideal. This becomes an impossible goal while in the middle of crazy circumstances, but that serves the story in creating internal conflict. In fact, looking back, Nyx's cathartic breakdown in chapter two is an almost textbook INFP response to Nyx's actual circumstances. I'm rather proud of how that turned out even if people think it's melodramatic.

5021838

On one hand, Nyx is this Twilight-esque academic book-horse person with high intelligence and insatiable desire for knowledge. On the other hand, she's this overly-sensitive tear factory that's always suffering through this or that dilemma.

I find it interesting that you arrived at that conclusion. The way I interpreted that was that Nyx being emotionally sensitive was a dysfunction - caused by a combination of her initial amnesia and all the traumatic stuff that happened to her as a filly - that she overcame:

“Let me put it another way. Back when you were Nyx, you were… a little sensitive.”
“I was a coward and a crybaby,” Nightmare Moon corrected flatly.

Although 'emotionally sensitive' probably isn't the best term. 'Fragile' would be a better fit.
Oh, and...

I've never met an INTP that is emotionally unstable.

...so they're just immune to trauma, then?
j/k. What do they do instead? Judging by Twilight, buckle down and work harder?

So Pen portrays Nyx as having all this massive introverted thinking and a massive introverted feeling function. But these two are so very opposite. Still, it works because Nyx is under duress for almost the entirety of Past Sins.

Wouldn't that indicate that one of them was caused by, or at least related to the duress? I'm completely clueless about psychological profiling, so feel free to tell me exactly how wrong I am about everything ever.

The way I interpreted that was that Nyx being emotionally sensitive was a dysfunction

Well, that's a fair interpretation, but having Nyx being just like Twilight does seem not fit all that well with her main issues and struggles throughout my story. *shrug* To me it makes more sense that she's more or less a clone of Luna, since both of them were literally Nightmare Moon. Just because Nyx is Nightmare Moon doesn't mean Luna isn't. She is, and Nightmare Moon's personality bears all the signs of a dysfunctional INFP. So if Nyx and Luna are so alike, then it makes sense she'd have a lot more in common with Luna than with Twilight (assuming everyone is healthy).

Although 'emotionally sensitive' probably isn't the best term. 'Fragile' would be a better fit.

Well, that's a different thing than being emotionally sensitive (reactive).

...so they're just immune to trauma, then?

And passive-aggressive.

j/k. What do they do instead? Judging by Twilight, buckle down and work harder?

Compensate with workaholic tendencies? Sure. But for the most part, internally absorb the hurt feelings. Not get reactive (if healthy). The feelings still hurt, but there is a vast reservoir for holding them back so the INTP is not all that reactive a person. They have a very difficult time getting in touch with their internal feelings, as in, letting them be exposed and analyzed. As a result of this, an unhealthy INTP could be quite reactive and there's no way to help them see why. Typically no crying at sad stories, etc. Able to detach emotionally from sensory input, in order to view everything objectively.

Wouldn't that indicate that one of them was caused by, or at least related to the duress?

Yes, that's exactly right. That's a good sign of a disorder. The main thing is that before traumatizing your fictional character, the author should really consider what that character's healthy personality is like. And then go ahead and screw with it. But Pen doesn't seem to have given any hard fast clues as to Nyx's healthy state because we barely ever see her not under duress.

5021955

Well, that's a different thing than being emotionally sensitive (reactive).

Could you elaborate? I'm not seeing it.
Everything else you said rings true! Huzzah!
Oh, if Nyx takes after Luna, does that mean she has Luna's flare for the dramatic? She did quite a bit of that as NMM, as I recall. Trixie recalls, too.

5021978
Flair for the dramatic? I don't see why not. I should have this show up some more. In a way, her reaction to Treehugger would be an example. There's a dead zebra on the roof!

Could you elaborate? I'm not seeing it.

Um... maybe later. It's hard to explain.

5019656
Okay, I've fixed the issues you raised except for Treehugger who I'm still not comfortable developing at this stage. Or the simile referencing Dash, which I'm not sure what to replace it with. I also changed Silverheart to female to try that out for a while.

5025961
I've added a few more specific recommendations to the doc itself. Have fun.

I also changed Silverheart to female to try that out for a while.

Is he/she going to show up again later? If not, I don't think it matters that much.
With the 'normal stallion' joke thing, I think that works better as friendly banter between males. Other than that, I don't see any point where the Silverheart's gender makes a difference.

5026157

Is she going to show up again later? If not, I don't think it matters that much.

Yep. Silverheart will be the primary medical researcher trying to develop a cure for the plague. So a fair number of appearances in act two probably.

With the 'normal stallion' joke thing, I think that works better as friendly banter between males.

Ha! Funny, I was actually thinking the opposite. Like it would be more funny for a female to poke fun at what a "normal" stallion's desires and appetite is like.

RE: a couple things. I fixed up the stuff you edited, though I left a couple things open. I'll fix up the rushed rooftop scene. That might be a good spot for a bit more nonverbals or perhaps some subtext revealing Fluttershy's lack of comfort.

One thing I wanted to note is that you seem to prefer the "inserted clause" style in prose where you put extra text in surrounded by commas.
Fluttershy, who was sitting separately from the others, fidgeted after hearing Silverheart’s statement.

As opposed to something like:
Fluttershy was sitting separate from the others. She fidgeted after hearing Silverheart’s statement.

While both are probably equally valid, I tend to prefer avoiding the use of adverbs when possible, plus it draws a bit more distinction between the description of where she is vs what she is doing. Again, it's not likely any more or less valid. I do also try to avoid the inserted clause style when possible. Because doing it that way feels like it's breaking up a small sentence by inserting a pause into it, making the reader consider her disposition before returning back to the small sentence.

5026215

Ha! Funny, I was actually thinking the opposite. Like it would be more funny for a female to poke fun at what a "normal" stallion's desires and appetite is like.

It probably would be funnier that way. However, Silverheart's primary trait up until that point was professionalism, so it's a smaller leap to 'friendly banter between stallions' than 'poking fun at males in general'. The former is something a doctor might conceivably do with an unfamiliar individual to put them at ease, while the latter isn't. If he/she's going to show up again later, then characterisation should be your priority in the intro scene.

I'll fix up the rushed rooftop scene.

Is that still ongoing? Your comment on the doc seems to indicate that you've already finished, but it looks largely unchanged.

One thing I wanted to note is that you seem to prefer the "inserted clause" style in prose where you put extra text in surrounded by commas.
Fluttershy, who was sitting separately from the others, fidgeted after hearing Silverheart’s statement.
As opposed to something like:
Fluttershy was sitting separate from the others. She fidgeted after hearing Silverheart’s statement.
While both are probably equally valid, I tend to prefer avoiding the use of adverbs when possible, plus it draws a bit more distinction between the description of where she is vs what she is doing. Again, it's not likely any more or less valid. I do also try to avoid the inserted clause style when possible. Because doing it that way feels like it's breaking up a small sentence by inserting a pause into it, making the reader consider her disposition before returning back to the small sentence.

Mmm-hmmm.
The reasoning behind doing it 'my' way is to get the description of what the characters are doing in as early as possible so as to aid visualisation. As you said, they're equally valid, so pick whichever works best in the scene according to what you want to achieve.

Is that still ongoing? Your comment on the doc seems to indicate that you've already finished, but it looks largely unchanged.

Yeah, been waiting for you to notice. Look up. It's highlighted grey text.

5026311
Much better.
The 'after a few minutes' sentence could stand a little rewording to flow better from the new dialogue, but that's the only problem I can see.

5026316
Nice!

I'll patch that. Been staring at the first page of chapter 11 for the last hour hoping for inspiration to show up in the form of new magic prose! Right now, they're waiting at the Palace to be let into the meeting room. It's taking a while, so I'm creating this little bit of uncomfortable dialogue between Nyx and Twilight. Nyx doesn't want her mother asking a ton of questions before the meeting, but Twilight can see right through her evasion techniques.

Sorry for the long delay. Busy busy busy.

- Tree Hugger is... tree hugger. Dialogue is well recognizable as how she spoke in show. She's a hippie, and I personally wonder if maybe, to cope with the war, if she's been hitting her "herbal" teas or whatever she does even harder.

- This chapter seems to be lacking a bit in scene description. I made a comment about a particular transition in document, but it feels like this chapter is leaning fairly heavily on the pre-existing descriptions from the previous chapter. The thing is, the only scene we really have described to us is the interior of the ministry of peace. We have no description from this or the previous chapter about what the ministries roof is like... or how the ministry row looks from above. We know we're in Canterlot, but the group came in from a birds eye view. They could have scene things, mentally commented on how the city had changed or how it has stayed the same. Again, I feel the city was described in a previous chapter, I believe where Luna and Nyx were sharing a flight about the city. Still, to make a theater metaphor, it feels like the stage is very empty. That it only has the key props and the actors, and that there isn't much else.

- The scene change from the roof/exterior off the building to the lab could probably use a scene break.

- To bounce off a previous comment, there are actions in this chapter that feel generic and lacking detail.

The doctor pulled up an internal brain scan.

The doctor opened a cabinet and fetched four syringes.

The receptionist returned to her desk.

How did the doctor pull up the brain scan? Did the doctor walk to the cabinet, or open it from a distance using levitation to fetch the syringes? There are actions, but it feels like there isn't enough details in the action for the reader to envision what is happening. This is especially strange to me, since you usually are so intent on the reader having all the necessary information.

The receptionist returned to her desk. “There’s a dead zebra on the roof.” She laughed. “Sorry, inside joke.”

I've seen this sentence structure no less than three times in the chapter, and it bugs me a little. There's an action, dialogue, then a two sentence action, then the dialogue continues. I get the intent is to break up the dialogue, to give it a natural pause there, but the two sentence word feels unnecessary when you already have an action in the paragraph. Why not lead with the dialogue, use the action to cause the pause, and then continue with the dialogue then having to insert a "She sighed." "She laughed."

For example:

There’s a dead zebra on the roof.” The receptionist laughed, as if reciting a punch line, then waited a moment for Fluttershy to laugh as well. When all she received was a confused stare, the receptionist turned and walked back towards the front desk. "Sorry, inside joke.”

This quick rewrite actually takes into account a few of my comments on this chapter. One, I feel it gives more detail to the action. It tells us how Tree Hugger delivered the line. It also absorbs Fluttershy's action from the next paragraph, improving flow as it more tightly ties her reaction to Hugger's attempt at humor. I also feel it naturally breaks the the two halves of the dialogue up and creates a natural pause between them without having to use the two word sentence: "She laughed."

- That's about it. I didn't leave as many in story comments this time, but that's because some of the things I've commented above are pretty pervasive and thus better to discuss as a generality then to try and hunt down all the examples.