Whelp, it's that time, folks. As promised, I have read our two entries in the What a Fright contest and came up with some reviews. As a disclaimer, let it be known that I do not write reviews often and could probably learn a few things about the whole process. Originally, I was to write a review only for the winner of the contest, but since we only had two entries it was decided that I would award both authors for being willing to compete at all.

Of course, I say 'award' in a very broad manner.

But let's not mince words with a lengthy introduction. We all know what the authors really want, so let's hop to it!

Synopsis:

Ponyville. That is where my fall from grace began. Twilight Sparkle and her insurmountable talent exposed me for the charlatan I was. After that inauspicious day, my shows were no longer a thunderous triumph of magic and trickery. They were a blighted sideshow—a mockery of the splendor they had once been.

In my desperation to retain the life I once held, I stooped lower and lower. I finally hit rock bottom on a remote rock farm. There, I assumed the life of some ordinary, mundane pony, hammering away at boulders until nothing but pebbles remained. It was beneath me, humiliating and degrading. The days dragged on, but my dignity fell no further. It was the bottom, the very bottom, where nothing could fall any lower.

If I had it to do over again, I would have clung to that humble bottom. I would have held on and never let go.

I made the worst mistake imaginable. In my desperate bid to claw my way back up to the graces I once knew, I put my faith in dark magic. While I may have found the bottom on that rock farm, that accursed amulet drug me even deeper, pulling me into the abyss of hell.

In a nutshell, this is the tale of what Trixie was up to while she was wearing the Alicorn Amulet and we weren’t watching. It depicts her rapid descent into a veritable demon of sadistic glee, who becomes less and less interested in glory and more and more interested in just torturing her victims. Her actions become more violent as the story goes on, to the point that she very nearly kills at least three ponies if not for Twilight showing up at the last minute.

DemonBrightSpirit definitely has a good – if predictable – premise for this story. He manages a pretty solid job of keeping Trixie in character (or at least as in character as she can be when under the amulet’s control). Pretty much everything that happens is perfectly believable, which for me is a big deal. The grammar is solid all around and I really didn’t see any major red flags.

All that said, the story did have its issues. The supposed purpose of this story is to show Trixie’s descent into becoming a monster, but there’s really not much offered in that area. The story felt more like a laundry list of nefarious deeds than a descent into hell. Simply put, Trixie’s fall into villainy is so quick that there’s nothing else to the story, making it feel unfortunately one-dimensional. Perhaps if there had been some level of regret, in which Trixie realizes deep down what she’s becoming but cannot stop herself, then things would have been more interesting. Barring that (because I can certainly understand the angle of her not getting the chance to realize what's happening), having somepony else comment on her descent would have at least made it more interesting (Snips and Snails, perhaps?).

This issue became all the more blatant after the Alicorn Amulet was lost. Trixie remarks – in a rather disinterested fashion – that she became normal for a while, but is now deeply connected with the Amulet’s power and thus is becoming a monster again. This ending was… well, plain. Trixie was claiming that she no longer felt any remorse – which I can easily believe considering the total lack of sympathy displayed throughout the entire story – but then claims she fears for the future? It is an odd dichotomy that left me scratching my head and killed any impact that might have existed for the ending.

Which leads to another issue I had with the story; it felt as if there was no progress. From the very beginning, we have “Trixie is now evil.” Then we move on to “Trixie is still evil,” on to “Trixie is evil and bored,” then to “Trixie is evil and likes hurting ponies,” and finally to “Trixie is evil and claims to be worried.” At no point did I ever feel anything akin to rising action or a climax. There was one pace, one mode, one emotion throughout the entire story… which left it feeling rather dull after a while.

There were a few technical issues, but these were comparatively small. Some examples:

I snorted, my smile reappearing. Was there any limit to Trixie’s powers?

This is an easy trap to fall into when writing Trixie. It seems like Trixie can’t decide when to refer to herself in third person, and it alternates very frequently. I understand that writing in third person continuously can be tiresome, but it’s better to stick to one or the other instead of alternating.

Throwing the orange one as effortlessly as a doll and bending the pink one to her will was for their own good.

As this reads, it sounds like Pinkie is being bent to Pinkie’s own will. I’m pretty sure this isn’t what DemonBrightSpirit intended, and the awkwardness had me pausing to consider what I was looking at. If I have it right, I think “her” was meant to indicate Trixie… but there’s no way to tell for certain with how the sentence is written. Fortunately, this kind of issue doesn’t occur often, but when it does it can completely throw off the flow of a story.

Once inside, she stepped down from her chariot, Trixie ordered her subjects to give her the full spa treatment.

This one really bugged me. Trixie’s throne is huge in the show, and this line suggests that it was somehow able to fit inside the spa. I get it, Trixie can do whatever she wants, but explaining just what she did to make this work would have been nice. Or is “inside” supposed to be “outside” the spa?

Frankly, semantics are annoying, but they’re annoying because they’re important. Always make sure what you’re saying is what you mean.

The last factor is, to me, the single most important of all: did the story manage to elicit any emotion out of me? And, unfortunately, I must say no. The only point that worried me was when Trixie came close to murdering Aloe and Lotus. Why did I feel for them at this moment? Simple: DemonBrightSpirit actually took the time to stretch out the situation a little. Every other action in the story felt rushed through, and this scene was… slightly less so.

Yet it still could use a lot of polish. I was told exactly what they were going through, rather than shown it. If the author had taken the time to let the situation linger, to detail the horror the ponies were going through, to really leave us with the impression that they weren’t going to survive… that could have turned a decent scene into an attention-grabber.

All in all, Descent Into Hell feels a bit rushed and just doesn’t have any staying power. Trixie needed a lot more characterization to be interesting, most of her actions were told far too quickly to leave any serious impression, and the ending failed to offer anything relating to a climax. Simply put, the story needs a lot of polish.

Synopsis:

Do little fillies' ghosts still want to play? If so, then angry little fillies' ghosts must play deadly serious games. This is a horror story.

For this story, we get to see the tried and true concept of toys coming to life in the worst possible way. A Little Game of War tells the story of Lianna and Arendell, who have returned home from the funeral of Arendell’s young step-sister Goldenrod. We quickly learn that Arendell hated Goldenrod and was glad for her passing, leaving Lianna, Goldrenrod’s nanny, disgusted.

After a brief explanation about Lianna having been in a military academy and teaching Goldrenrod military tactics via toy soldiers, the two are set upon by said toys, which are extremely numerous and begin a campaign to kill them both. Lianna and Arendell quickly realize that Goldenrod’s spirit must be controlling the army, though why she’s attacking is a mystery.

A Little Game of War is one of those stories that does a lot of things right but also makes a number of stumbles. Although the premise of toys coming to life and being violent is fairly old, when handled properly it can still be interesting. JMac achieves this through an effective description of the army’s tactics throughout the story. For some this might not seem like a big deal, but as someone who enjoys writing and reading about big battle situations, this was a treat. It’s one of the rare instances where I would actually encourage more detail, though other readers would probably disagree with me in this area.

Another great thing about this story is the underlying mystery: why is Goldrenrod trying to kill her step-brother and nanny? Although it is clear that Arendell held no love for his sister, from Lianna’s narration we can see that she and Goldenrod were close, so why is she also targeted? (Actually, if you pay attention…) The final revelation is quite damning and I was thoroughly pleased with the conclusion.

Yet there were plenty of issues that distracted me and held the story back. To start with, the introduction felt rushed. A scant 760 words (yes, I checked the wordcount) are offered to start this tale off, and then we’re off to the races. I feel as though the introduction could have been stretched out to offer more reflection on Arendell’s and Lianna's feelings. Or, even better, the style of the explanations could have been modified.

Which leads me to the biggest problem I had with this story: the explanations. JMac keeps distracting from the main narrative by taking time to describe things that could have been handled far better. Lianna’s background in the military, for example:

I’d come to work here after being expelled from the Equestrian Military Academy for cheating (I was caught letting a friend copy my test answers). A trust fund baby like Arandell could (and did) get kicked out of every school he attended and bounced back as if nothing had happened, but I couldn’t. The best work I could find was as nanny to a very sick little filly.

A far, far better way to do this would have been to include it in conversation with Arendell when he’s trying to get Lianna to play war with him, or to have her think of it in small snippets when the action is rising. As it stands, it completely pulled me out of the experience as it didn’t feel at all important to what was going on right then and there. JMac does this kind of thing repeatedly and it gave me pause every time.

The other thing that I notice – the thing that I pay the most attention to – is forced emotion. At no point was I afraid for the characters, and this is related to my introduction complaints. One minute Lianna and Arendell are arguing, the next they’re trapped on the staircase by toy soldiers. That’s when we get this:

“The house is empty except for us, Arandell.” A chill ran along my spine.

Am I supposed to be afraid now? Because the soldiers just magically popped up out of nowhere and Lianna gets a bit chilly? Simply put, there was no buildup of tension, no attempt to lure us into a moment of fright, no atmosphere. It’s just boom, the enemy is here, be afraid!

Which simply doesn’t work.

Because no effort was made to build up the tension, I never really got to it in the first place. At no point did this story scare me or leave me worried. Don’t get me wrong, I was interested, but not in the way the author probably intended. I think this story would have been a lot more effective towards its goal had the author slowed down to instill some atmosphere and tension in there.

Aside from that, there were a few small errors and typos, but nothing to really detract from the experience. Most of the ones I noticed were near the beginning, so either they weren’t there for ¾ of the story or I was too interested in the battle tactics to notice.

A Little game of War could use a little more atmosphere, but was otherwise an entertaining return to an old trope. It didn’t frighten – which is unfortunate since the synopsis directly labels this a horror – but it was still a fun read overall.

Questions? Corrections? Disagree? Speak up! How can I understand how horribly, inconceivably wrong I am unless you tell me about it?

3769059
I cannot really refute the rest, but this:

I snorted, my smile reappearing. Was there any limit to Trixie’s powers?

This is an easy trap to fall into when writing Trixie. It seems like Trixie can’t decide when to refer to herself in third person, and it alternates very frequently. I understand that writing in third person continuously can be tiresome, but it’s better to stick to one or the other instead of alternating.

is entirely intentional. The story starts out with her referring to herself properly (I, me), but as she becomes more influenced by the corruption it slowly changes to her third person (Trixie, her). Finally, she deifies herself, mostly referring to herself as "The Great and Powerful Trixie" and capitalizing her pronouns when referring to herself.

3769141
Hmm... I didn't really catch on to that. Trixie referring to herself in third person (third pony?) is so commonplace in most stories that I didn't even pick up on your intentions there. I'm not sure whether to say that's a bad call or simply my fault for not noticing it. I think I'll go with 'my fault.'

3769059 Very nicely reviewed and pretty much every thought I had on choosing the winner was excellently put to words in your reviews, plus a couple things I didn't notice, but after reading the reviews I had to say, "Oh, yeah that did happen in the story." Though I must assure you all that I made my decision before reading the reviews.

Anyway I won't reveal too much. I'm gonna type up the front page information and hopefully have that up tomorrow... but today I need to get to work writing my own story stuff... for science... also baked goods... but mostly science... then again if you trhink about it, baking is a whole mess of science... weird...

3769534

Though I must assure you all that I made my decision before reading the reviews.

I should hope not. At any rate, if we do this again I'd be happy to do the reviewing thing again.

3771459 Absolutely! You put out an outstandingly fair set of reviews. I would go into greater detail, but I need to walk my dog and eat breakfast. So I'll let you know when I get the second contest stuff put together.

3771459 Thank you for the review, it was very fair and very well written. I agree that my chunks of exposition need to be broken up and distributed more smoothly. I don't think using exposition through dialogue is the solution - most of the background I need to reveal is just not something characters would say aloud, and the dialogue would get really cheesy.

I didn't mean to drop readers into the action and expect them to be frightened. I'd hoped that fear would rise slowly along with the rising action; each time the toy's threat level increases was supposed to bring terror levels up another notch, peaking near the end when Lianna appears to have run out of ideas. As I said, it was supposed to go that way. But if a reader doesn't get what the writer's going for it's the writer's fault. Oh, well...

In the end, it's probably more an action story than a work of horror (the difference is a bit weaselly here). But that's probably also true of the King short story that inspired me. Speaking of which, you didn't complain about my attempts to inject humor into the tale, did that work? This was trying to be true to the inspiration - Stephen King's "Battleground" is perhaps the most hilarious horror stories ever written.

3771670
I didn't mean exposition through dialogue, although I can see how you'd make that connection. Exposition as a rule should be avoided except under certain (tricky) circumstances. I was thinking something more along the lines of:

"Last one to the snot’s bedroom has to defend the castle. I call dibs on the ballistas!"

"I didn't go to Canterlot Military Academy to play war with a stallion-child who doesn't respect his tin troops."

Okay, that's not exactly a perfect example, but hopefully you get what I mean: a little bit can go a long way.

I got the rising action of the ever-increasing number of soldiers (just how many did Goldenrod have, anyway?), but it didn't translate well into fear. Action would definitely be a better describer. The story read like a battle playing out, after all. The ending with Lianna sobbing in the wardrobe was pretty solid, but it felt out of place compared to the rest of the story. I liked it, but without any rising fear in Lianna (well, that I could find) it just seemed really sudden. I felt the entire time that Lianna was perfectly in control of herself, which greatly hindered any attempt at fear you might have been trying to provoke.

Inputting humor into an otherwise serious story is actually a pet peeve of mine. A story is either serious or not, and trying to blend the two feels too much like the author can't decide on an audience to target. It's the fastest way to incite my frustration. Yet at the same time, none of the attempted humorous moments in your story struck a chord with me – and by that I mean I didn't see them and scowl – so I'd say you did a pretty solid job. If your humor had been more cartoony I'd have been ripping you apart, but you went with a more realistic humor, and so I approve. It didn't make me bust a gut in laughter, but that's actually very hard to do in my case; stories most people consider raucous will get a smile out of me at most.

I'm sorry to say I never read "Battleground," so I can't really provide any comparative feedback.