TAlicorn Princess

• MLP: FiM
• Dark
• Drama
• Horror

Your memories make you who you are. But what’s left of you when they are stolen?

• Twilight
• Spike
• Trixie
• King Sombra

Bad Dragon · 11k words  ·  71  23 · 2.6k views

Grammar
Is good. Its not Bad Dragons first rodeo, so i's are dotted t's are crossed, and I would expect no less.
Good job.
10/10

Style
Its nice. Easy to read, very well paced and structured, excellent, really excellent character work. Its good job all around...except on a sentence level. There we see lack of editorical TLC with some repetitions, some stilted dialogue and awkward phrasing... More work is needed on the mechanics of writing, else some parts of it read like badly translated anime.
I give it 15/20.
Its just the gross basics that trip you up there.

Plot
Its Freaky Friday time!
Twilight and Trixie change places.
That's not a new concept. Not by a long stretch. Not even within the fimfiction, not even if you only count specifically Trixie-Twilight exchanges, I think.
But its a classic and for a good reason, so I'm keeping an open mind.

As a plot goes its fairly reasonable. Character work, as I said, is pretty great, if somewhat exaggerated, the plot is reasonable, but I think there is a certain abruptness there. It starts in medias res, fair enought, but then it kinda... doesn't go anywhere?
Trixie is being Dixie to Twilght, who kinda does some chores around the castle, then she figures out what happens and undoes it.
And the ending kinda left me bit stumped. Not to put too many spoilers here, but it kinda fades out, where Trixie is put into a fairly awkward position. And normally the reader would sorta chuckle imagining the ironic vengeance the protagonist could take on Trixie, but... It's Twilight, Princess of Friendship. Worst shes gotta do is give her a three-hour lecture on how unsafe it is to use ancient evil artifacts and values of friendship.

So, yeh, all in all, I'd say there isn't enough story in this story. It barely starts, nothing happens, and the ending, while valid as a literary device, kinda doesn't really work here.
I'd give it 14/30.

Overall
I like this story. Its a nice off-the cuff piece, and its pleasant to read but while its pretty good at paragraph-chapter level it has both mechanical and plot problems.
My personal evaluation - 6/10.

Total
45/75 or 60%
Its a competent story put together by a competent author, and I do like it.
But its not great or even really new, and it could use some work and care.

7679576 Thank you for this awesome review. I basically agree with everything you said. I did put a lot of effort in this story, but I can't say that it turned out to be my best work.

And since you put so much effort into this review, I might as well address some points.

Grammar
10/10

Well, I did use all these tools on the story:
https://www.fimfiction.net/group/213620/programmatical-editing
http://www.grammarcheck.me/
http://www.reverso.net/spell-checker/english-spelling-grammar
http://www.onlinecorrection.com
http://www.spellcheck.net/
http://www.slickwrite.com
http://www.paperrater.com/free_paper_grader
http://www.writersdiet.com/test.php
http://hemingwayapp.com
http://www.polishmywriting.com/
http://spellcheckplus.com/
https://app.grammarly.com/
http://www.expresso-app.org/
http://www.webpagefx.com/tools/read-able/
https://virtualwritingtutor.com/
https://www.grammar.com/grammar_check.php

Style

Its nice. Easy to read, very well paced and structured, excellent,

I guess it showed that I edited the story 100+ times.

really excellent character work.

This was always my second biggest nemesis in writing. I've gotten criticism that my characters are OOC. I'm really glad that I did characters justice this time around.

Its good job all around...except on a sentence level. There we see lack of editorical TLC with some repetitions, some stilted dialogue and awkward phrasing... More work is needed on the mechanics of writing, else some parts of it read like badly translated anime.
I give it 15/20.
Its just the gross basics that trip you up there.

And here we come to my biggest nemesis. One that I shall never overcum.

You see... I don't like to say this publicly, it's kind of embarrassing and I am somewhat ashamed of it, but it is the truth... The thing is, I'm not a native English speaker.

Plot
Its Freaky Friday time!
Thats not a new concept.

I caught that early in my writing, so I tried to put a spin on it by leaving her without the memories.

As a plot goes... it kinda... doesn't go anywhere?

it kinda fades out, where Trixie is put into a fairly awkward position. And normally the reader would sorta chuckle imagining the ironic vengeance the lrotagonist could take on Trixie, but... It's Twilight, Princess of Friendship. Worst shes gotta do is give her a three-hour lecture on how unsafe it is to use ancient evil artifacts and values of friendship.

Well, there is an implication that the talisman can corrupt one's mind.

It barely starts, nothing happens, and the ending, while valid as a literary device, kinda doesn't really work here.

What if I told you that it is a literary device? What if you were made aware, that what you wrote is a mere prequel to the actual story?

Its a competent story put together by a competent author, and I do like it.

That's all I ever wanted. I've often felt as if I was looking on Fimfiction party from beyond the fence. I sometimes didn't feel as I belong among the actual writers. It's nice to hear your praise. Though I may never rid myself of all my faults, I'm glad I've achieved acceptance.

it could use some work and care.

I believe that in order to bring my works to a higher level, I would need to employ editors. I try to improve myself every day, but I fear I have some limitations that I won't ever be able to transcend.

7679581
Bey, we all feel impostor syndrome at some times. It sucks, but its normal.
And if you need editing - you can ping me. Im usually up for helping people edit their work, when I have the time.

7679586 Well, if you ever feel bored out of your mind, I have some stories ready for publishing:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1wSf4EAyKp9Zs91tGxokoScbbrAUVerthD7c7Y4YBNEA/edit?mode=html#
All that's missing is a little editing.