This fic is rated Teen!

Daring Do finds an interesting creature. She isn't going to take care of it, so she brings it to the Royal Sisters to deal with. Surely they can handle it, right?

I'm not a fan of David Silver. I could never get into his work. I tried one time with Gazing to the Ocean of the Sky, but I found that the story lacked the necessary logic to count as entertaining. Same with most things David Silver writes.

I don't think David is a bad author. I think with a little work he can be very talented. In fact, I think David Silver's strongest virtue is his clear, cohesive paragraphs. It's hard to find an author who can write so clearly to where the reader can understand everything that's going on. My main issue with David is he never applies enough logic to certain situations in his stories and often misuses literary devices. One misuse, for example, was in Gazing to the Ocean. Now before you write your comments questioning why I'm criticizing an entirely different story, just know that I'm using Gazing to the Ocean as a kickstand for whatever I think David should work on.

In one of the chapters of Gazing to the Ocean, the entirety of Ponyvillie is chasing after the main character, who is a hippocampus, because they think she is a siren and had brainwashed Twilight. The problem with this is just how in the open it is. There was no specific foreshadowing detailing the events leading up to this. I would give you my explanation why I think there should have been foreshadowing involved, but someone left a comment on the chapter that will do the explaining for me in an even better way.

This whole conflict of mistaking Cherry for a siren is mostly left field.

Cherry's escapades and discoveries on The Dry were enough to make the adventure tag for me. By experiencing the narrtive largely from Cherry's POV, the story became exciting. It was liberating, eye-opening, adveturous and carefree for a story that wasn't a hardcore adventure. But your transition into the conflict was disbelievingly flawed. So much so, it ruined my immersion into the story.

While using the legends of sirens and their mind-control is a perfectly fair plot device, you hadn't foreshadowed it at all. When Cherry came to The Dry, there was no skepticism, apprehension or fear in the initial reactions of a single pony that saw her. So it is difficult for the reader to expect a siren-related conflict. In turn, having a mob hyped up on herd mentality come out of nowhere was super-forced and ridiculous. You also worfed Twilight excessively to let this happen too.

Sure, you needed conflict, but it felt like twisting an arm as I forced myself to accept something that came out of the blue without some foreshadow. In short, you forgot to lay important groundwork for the conflict.

While the user is convincing and I definitely agree with him/her, my main issue with Gazing to the Ocean was that it could have been fine without a plot. We didn't need a sudden turn of events. Part of me was glad that the story wasn't just Cherry going, "Ooh, look at this!" But even that was better than what we were given.

Using Gazing to the Ocean as a supplementary to my opinion of on "A Big Hug", I can sort of say the same thing -- only David did it slightly better.

Here's the best thing I can say about it: It wasn't bad.

It started out strong. By strong, I mean the first two chapters. After that, the author rushes in and just like that -- BAM! -- end of story. Together the first two chapters equal 2,379 words total, which isn't good if you're writing an eight chapter story with a plot. All the chapters together equal 8,447 words total.

When clicking on the first chapter and reading it, the reader expects some fun Canterlot Castle mischief going on because of the creature and his constant hugging -- which I would've preferred. But by the second chapter, the author already tries to force the story.

At least this time he uses some kind of foreshadowing.

What could go wrong?

If for a comedy, you should never do this. If you were to write a crackfic, that's a different situation, but here it's out in the open foreshadowing, waiting to get shot. Saying "What could go wrong?" is like saying, "Suddenly, everyone died. The End." It ruins any dramatic tone you might be going for and may cause the reader to lose interest.

I think foreshadowing is the most important aspect of storytelling. If you know what ending you're going for, and you're aware of a twist that comes later, you are given the ability to hint to the reader anyway you want to. Me, I prefer subtle foreshadowing. It makes it hard for the reader to predict what's going to happen next, giving the author that twist factor necessary to shock its audience.

Another literary device I noticed the author had trouble with was chapter transition.

At least until the snow gave out beneath them as they landed, plunging them into darkness.

Luna woke first. Her horn glowed at her will, casting soft light across what seemed to be snow-touched, but not buried, stone. She could see Tsuki sprawled out a short distance away and rose to her own hooves. "Tsuki? Are you alright?" She felt a little banged up, but overall intact.

I like to go to Harry Potter in my reviews because, even though the novels are for children, they have highly advance grammar mechanics that most other books don't. Plus, J.K. Rowling is a damn good author. My point is: in just about every Harry Potter book, we get the story of Harry and his friends throughout his years in Hogwarts. Each book takes place over one year. Of course, even if the later books in the series are a lengthy read, a person can't fit an entire year's worth of reading into a single book. So what J.K. Rowling does is she will transition between scenes constantly. In one paragraph Harry is playing cobstones with Fred and George. In the next, its winter and he's at Ron's house for Christmas Break.

These transitions are done excellently because, rather than being a pointless endeavor by the author, the story builds up to these sort of scenes. Here's a story I made up to use as an example:

Peachy Sweet couldn't wait for her birthday. She was turning nine in a month, and she hopes her mom gets her that sweet, new Girly Girl bike she has wanted ever since the first ad came out at the corner of Rinnaul's Play-Thangs Adult Toystore. Her birthday was a month from now -- just a few days away from Hearthswarming. That meant more presents!

On the day of her birthday, Peachy Sweet unwrapped each box one by one, but she never found her bike. A week later she would find out that Jack of a Few Trades Jacked it and pawned it for crack -- that faget.

As you can see, I decided to one-up what I said and transition the scene to a week later in the same paragraph the scene was transitioned in. Read the Harry Potter books if you want to master this technique. As for transitioning a scene when a character blacks out, you want to put a horizontal rule between paragraphs. This way the scene is more dramatic because it's also a perfect place for the reader to stop and take a break.

At least until the snow gave out beneath them as they landed, plunging them into darkness.

---

Luna woke first. Her horn glowed at her will, casting soft light across what seemed to be snow-touched, but not buried, stone. She could see Tsuki sprawled out a short distance away and rose to her own hooves. "Tsuki? Are you alright?" She felt a little banged up, but overall intact.

As I mentioned earlier in the review, David Silver doesn't focus much on logic in his stories. Now I understand how lengthy this review is getting, so I'll say the things that bothered me and move on to the rating.

First off, why are there character tags for Princes Celestia and Daring Do if the two of them only appear in the first chapter? If the two of them only appear in the first chapter, then they're probably not major characters, so they don't need character tags.

Why is that Daring Do allowed to visit the castle frequently? We know of her heroic capabilities and that that might be the reason why. But so far, from what we've seen in the show, only the mane six and angry neckbeard.0 know that Daring Do exist. Is there some backstory we're missing here?

What's with Luna being so keen to get the creature into armor? Is it for later in the story when they go to his home and he gets attacked by his own kind?

Why does Luna have to piggyback on the creature just so she can keep up with him? Can't she just, I dunno, fly?

Why does Luna get nauseous riding on the creature's back on the way to his home? Can't she fly?

How come after getting off the creature's back, Luna doesn't take a second let the blood stop rushing to her head? I'm pretty sure if she was nauseous the whole way, this would happen.

How is it that Luna coincidentally names the creature "Moon Bunny" and we find out that that's the exact name of his race? This is too coincidental. Is this a joke I'm not getting?

Why do the bunny creatures suddenly think this random Kirby might be able to save them? Is it because he speaks English and they don't?

How does he understand English?

Why is the elder the only one that speaks English? Is it for plot convenience so the protagonist can understand him?

Why is Sombra, a practitioner of dark magic, so easy to convince?

How come people don't ship Luna with Sombra as often as they do with Celestia?

Minus the few illogical moments of this story and the poor use of literary devices, this was actually a fun read for the first few chapters. Even when the story had a shift in tone, there was a tad bit that I liked. If I had to recommend a chapter, it would be the first one. It set the tone for the story and at one point I actually made me laugh at a joke

Celestia put a hoof between them. "Hold your horses, sister."

Don't feed the mogwai after midnight.

Also, study up on your literary devices. Learn to use foreshadowing and scene transitions better. Also, learn to apply logic to your story. Illogic is good once in a while, but it depends on how well timed it is. If you want to apply being illogical to comedies, watch a bit of stand-up. If you're looking for someone who can tell stories cartoonishly, I'd recommend Bill Cosby or Steve Harvey. Eddie Murphey is another good one -- if you're into raunchy humor, that is.

5915001

First off, why are there character tags for Princes Celestia and Daring Do if the two of them only appear in the first chapter? If the two of them only appear in the first chapter, then they're probably not major characters, so they don't need character tags.

This was a one chapter one shot that the commissioner wanted extended, and this happened.

Why is that Daring Do allowed to visit the castle frequently? We know of her heroic capabilities and that that might be the reason why. But so far, from what we've seen in the show, only the mane six and angry neckbeard.0 know that Daring Do exist. Is there some backstory we're missing here?

We don't know. There is no proof, even slightly, that Celestia knows or does not know of Daring Do and her secret. Until canon says otherwise, there is room for an author to assume either way. I have done so.

What's with Luna being so keen to get the creature into armor? Is it for later in the story when they go to his home and he gets attacked by his own kind?

It is literally impossible for Luna to have planned this, even OOC, since I, the writer, had no idea that he would be attacked at the time of the gift. Luna gave the armor because she wanted an awesome and imposing pet of obvious prowess that she could show off. It was not very mature.

Why does Luna have to piggyback on the creature just so she can keep up with him? Can't she just, I dunno, fly?

'have to' or 'does'? She does. She overestimated herself and underestimated how wild the ride would be. She also got to save her pet from throwing himself off a mountain, so that was good.

Why does Luna get nauseous riding on the creature's back on the way to his home? Can't she fly?

I don't understand this question. Why is Luna disoriented on a new sort of ride? That seems self-answering. Why doesn't she let go and fly over him, is that what you're asking? I'm sure she kicked herself later. People in the middle of things often forget 'obvious' answers.

How come after getting off the creature's back, Luna doesn't take a second let the blood stop rushing to her head? I'm pretty sure if she was nauseous the whole way, this would happen.

The surprise wore off eventually. She is now a level 1 bunny rider!

How is it that Luna coincidentally names the creature "Moon Bunny" and we find out that that's the exact name of his race? This is too coincidental. Is this a joke I'm not getting?

A huge coincidence, she called it a rabbit of the moon, since she is the moon princess and he is a rabbit-like creature. His people's name is uninspired. It wasn't hard to guess.

Why do the bunny creatures suddenly think this random Kirby might be able to save them? Is it because he speaks English and they don't?

They are subdued and terrified. They can speak, they just don't, because Sombra does not like it when they do.

How does he understand English?

He is an intelligent creature that lives in Equestria. One would assume, since he understood equine, he must have interacted with them before. He did not speak though, until Luna fixed that. He was friendly enough to be captured by Daring Do without much, if any, violence. Clearly this creature is not scared of ponies.

Why is the elder the only one that speaks English? Is it for plot convenience so the protagonist can understand him?

He's old. With death already looming over his shoulder, he takes the chance that this new tsuki may help them. What's the worst that happens, he dies? He's already doing that.

Why is Sombra, a practitioner of dark magic, so easy to convince?

Why was Starlight? Welcome to MLP! Sombra's reformation has much more to go through, as seen in the sequel.

How come people don't ship Luna with Sombra as often as they do with Celestia?

We are here, wish granted.

5915001 I'm not sure why you brought up the other story for so long, but I'll just note that the story does explain what happened, why it happened, and proceeds for quite some time doing what you liked in the first place. You hit a rough spot and instead of wondering why, you assumed I was an illogical writer and threw up your hands, assured in your belief that I was terrible at writing canon characters.

They were acting unnaturally.

This was part of the story.

This is explained.

5915063 I forgot to hit on this in the review, but I don't think "stopping and staring" is enough. And I already explained why I was hitting on it. :P

And though I might have been rough on the part of logic, there were a lot of parts in the story I deemed illogical. Since I saw a lot illogical moments in both Gazing to the Ocean and A Big Hug, I assumed that was something you needto work on.

5915084 Stopping... and staring at what?

5915093 Cherry.

5915102 Great. A lot of things happened. Do you desire spoilers?

In the end, the prophecy was fulfilled.

It was not through any sudden twist.

All characters remained true to themselves.

5915106 Putting the reason at the end of the story doesn't always help it. But I may reread it to make a final conclusion. So until then, I'm keeping your word and hoping you're right. I WILL NOT DISAPPOINT YOU AGAIN DADDY!

5915118 Try a few chapters later.

5915120 welp, don't forget that I touched on belevieing you can be a talented author with a little work. :P

5915001

But so far, from what we've seen in the show, only the mane six and angry neckbeard know that Daring Do exist. Is there some backstory we're missing here?

I have now decided that "Daring Don't" was entirely a weird self-insert fanfiction that Rainbow Dash wrote, and that Daring Do remains an entirely fictional character.

How come people don't ship Luna with Sombra as often as they do with Celestia?

Because the comics canon-ship Celestia and Sombra.

Also in my fics Luna is gay.

5915277

Also in my fics Luna is gay.

Your fanfiction sounds fucking amazing.