Hey, I was writing this review when I relized how complicated it was to write, so I decided to catigorize it in four seperate parts to make it easier. To read the other three parts before they're posted, click here. Enjoy the review :)

By: The Food Critic Lady
From: Bojack Horseman

This fic is Teen Rated.

Well, hello there! The name's Floyd, Pink Floyd. You know, like the band? Anyway, I used to be just a guy named Floyd but now I'm stuck inside of Pinkie Pie. How you ask? Discord. It's always that jerk's fault. Anyway, better get on with this before I go on a tangent. So, I'm a film student, trapped in Pinkie's body. You all got that? Good. Now why don't you pull up a chair and listen to how my life got flipped-turned upside down. I promise, you're gonna like it!

My Name is Floyd Damn You! was... meh. Meh, I think, is the best way to describe this story. If I had to sum it up in five words it would be: a festival of mostly cringe. It had little to no redeeming qualities, often got out of tone, and had very poor characterization.

So the story begins the most clichéd way possible.

I groan as sunlight hits my face, making me hiss in protest. I hate mornings. Well no, that’s not quite right– I hate the act of waking up. I let myself lie there for a few more moments before sitting up and letting out a yawn. I blink away the sleep, looking around my room... or a room. This sure as hell ain’t my room. For one, it’s too bare. I mean, there’s just a table with a lamp on the other side of the room, a cabinet, the bed and another table and lamp next to that. My room’s normally a mess, with costume pieces, half-written scripts, and various other assorted things found in a film student’s room.

Barley the first paragraph and already the author has fit in the fact that he hates morning, would rather sleep in than do shit, has a messy room, and is a film student. This is ridiculous characterization.

Characterization should not be forced into a story like this. Characterization should be spread throughout the story and slowly eased in as it reaches those two infamous words, THE END. You can start with the first paragraph, of course, but that paragraph shouldn't start with something as sterile as "I woke up but didn't want to because waking up on mornings are like waking up in Auschwitz." It depicts the character as unfathomable and he/she immediately becomes unrelatable or an asshole.

Also, this is a poor way to begin a story. Now, before I continue, keep in mind that I'm aware this is a comedy and some things I talk about don't apply if the author means it intentionally, but something as random and incoherent as this needs to be seriously debated. "I woke up" is a terrible setting for a story and really shows whether or not you put any thought into whatever you wrote. I don't think this is always a bad idea. "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" begins with the Just Woke Up trope.

The camera never shows him waking up, the opening credits do it for us by using sound to tell the story. Ferris's alarm goes off and his mom comes in to make sure he's awake, and to her astonishment, he's sick. This is played off well because he's trying to trick his parents into believing he's sick so he can have a day off. It's not forced and it already builds so much for the character. It's humorous, it's fun, and you know immediately you like him.

This first paragraph though... needs work. Lots of it.

“Okay guys, nice prank, the hell am I?” I ask before frowning. That voice isn’t mine, not even on helium did I sound like that. “Seriously, the fuck did you guys do to my voice?” I move to get out of the bed, only to faceplant rather hard. Okay, ow. Seriously, that hurt like a bitch. I sit back up, rubbing my head... that’s not a hand. I moved the appendage in front of my face, just staring at it. My hand was gone, replaced by a pink hoof.

You probably caught on to the words "something as random and incoherent as this" earlier in the review. This is what I meant. Too much is happening in this paragraph alone. If you don't see it, here's a closer look at what's wrong.

“Okay guys, nice prank, the hell am I?” I ask before frowning. That voice isn’t mine, not even on helium did I sound like that. “Seriously, the fuck did you guys do to my voice?” I move to get out of the bed, only to faceplant rather hard. Okay, ow. Seriously, that hurt like a bitch. I sit back up, rubbing my head... that’s not a hand. I moved the appendage in front of my face, just staring at it. My hand was gone, replaced by a pink hoof.

A good story has exceptionally long/short paragraphs. By that I mean, they're short when they need to be and they're long when they need to be. When editing a story, I like to take out unimportant words and sentences so the reader will enjoy how easy it is to read. "not even on helium did I sound like that", is a perfect example. "That voice isn't mine" is okay because the reader will still understand that the character doesn't have his everyday voice. Also, when writing a paragraph, any moment where a sentence gets off-topic from a previous, you should add it to the next paragraph. Try it and compare it to the original, then you'll see which one might be better. Rinnaul still owes me money. I need it 'cause I'm getting an abortion through the mouth. Please don't wait eight to nine months from now.

“Why the hell is there no mirror in this room?”

Well... might as well get this over with and get the panic out of the way. Okay... one... two... three... Yup. Thats really all I can say. I’m naked, covered in pink fur and lacking anything male between my legs. What really got me was the three balloons on both of my hips, a dead giveaway of what I had become.

Apparently, the protagonist just accepts the fact that he's Pinkie Pie. Like, he doesn't even freak out. He just thinks it over and eats a hoagie. Literally, he pulls out a giant hoagie from his hair and eats it. I guess that's kinda funny. Like, the idea of a mane that gives you a somewhat close version of whatever you imagine is kinda silly.... and so far it's been the closest thing I could laugh at.

“Well, I don’t dream, I think therefore I am so... option three it is.”

A person that never dreams? Is that even possible?

After another simple Google search...

People who tend to remember their dreams also respond more strongly than others to hearing their name when they're awake, new research suggests. Everyone dreams during sleep, but not everyone recalls the mental escapade the next day, and scientists aren't sure why some people remember more than others.

So by now we pass the part where our protagonist eats a hoagie and now comes face to face with the greatest exposition of any story ever: opening a door. This part was... weird. Like, especially weird for Pinkie Pie. Like, he just walks up to the door, tries to figure out how to open it, then just teleports. Somehow he immediately finds out about this capability -- by accident. You would think Pinkie Pie can just control it willy-nilly, but no, she had to practice the art of teleportation for the first time. I don't teleport to the store every day, I mostly drive. The thing is though, I had to practice teleportation. This dude is just a fucking natural all because "he's Pinkie Pie". How does one immediately know teleportation? Is he Aang? I hope he gets bullied in school and suffers from constant diaper wedgies.

I'm gonna go watch Pokemon.

I collected everything I needed. I got the high heels,(I have no idea why ponies would have those), the fishnet stockings, the wig, lipstick, and all the other trappings of Tim Curry’s classic look. “Let’s do this,” I say, taking a breath before throwing open the front door of the shop, stepping out into town just as the music started to play... huh I wonder if I can do that on command... Anyway, I gotta town to mess with. So here I am, as Pinkie Pie, dressed up as Dr. Frank-N-Furter from Rocky Horror Picture Show, dancing around like an idiot as various ponies stare on. I gotta say, this is really, really fun!

First off, why did he randomly decide to play dress up? We know Pinkie Pie is random, but usually not to this point. Second, there's no need to say "all the other trappings of Tim Curry's classic look". The protagonist already mentions the character he's portraying is from "The Rocky Horror Picture Show", so there's no need to explain the joke. I'm a fan of Tim Curry. Personally, Dr. Frank-N-Furter was my favorite character in the whole movie because of Tim Curry's amazing performance. But the joke would be better if the protagonist said, "and all the other attires of Frank-N-Furter", without having to explain the classic movie reference. Here is one guilty pleasure I have: I like movie references. I laugh at them. Every time a movie I like gets referenced, I laugh at it, because only someone such as myself would understand it. But here, it is badly portrayed. It's not clever, it's just out in the open like a deer caught in the headlights. And the author does this again.

“Do I make you... horny... baby?” I ask with the best Austin Powers impression I can manage. “Do I?” Rarity just sputters, nearly spilling her tea, her eyes wide as saucers and her mouth was just flapping up and down. I burst out laughing, tumbling off the couch, snorting a few times. Oh god that’s funny! I can hear that faint laughter in the back of my head so obviously she finds this just as funny.

“That’s not funny!” Rarity hisses, a bright blush on her face.

The way the reference is portrayed is so misplaced that it's cringy. So it's funny because he asked Rarity if he makes her horny but he's Pinkie Pie and doing an Austin Powers impression so HAHAHAHAHHA!?!?! Yeah, explaining the reference doesn't work. It's best to just say it then move on.

So after skipping ahead a bit there, let's jump back and see...

Yes, yes I am. But can you really blame me? I’m a director, and this is one of my projects. Gotta give my audience a quality experience.

Well according to your fishnet leggings, you're currently an actor and there's no one filming you. So give up. You're not an actor, you're a sweet transvestite from transexual Transylvania.

“Did you just say ‘doing?’” I ask, rhyming the word with ‘boing’ as I smirk at her.

...Why are you rhyming the word with boing?

is this what Pinkie’s life is like? Just having these urges to do strange things?

O... kay? I guess that sorta explains it.

Also for some reason, he tells the voice at the back of his head, which is supposedly Pinkie, to shut up. And even though he's an asshole he feels sorry because it might be the real Pinkie Pie.

I shout before flopping down on Rarity’s couch, arms behind my head, a smirk on my face.

Somehow Floyd has escaped Pinkie Pie's body and is now a human again. Or he's still Pinkie Pie, only with arms. It could be that this is the human world, maybe? If so, the author should probably find a cover art more fitting then just Pinkie Pie preparing to attack her prey.

Passing that part of the story, we're at the part where Floyd tells Rarity that he's taken over Pinkie Pie's body. So instead of just wondering if she was joking, she takes it seriously and leaves to find Twilight. All of the sudden, Discord comes out of nowhere aaaaaaaaand he's poorly written. Now I couldn't really find anything worth quoting, so I decided to explain to you his character instead: In this chapter, Discord is very nervous and gets scared easily. So far he has been the most forced character. I can't blame the author for not getting him right. I think a decent amount of people write him poorly. But usually, those people write him to a mediocre standard. Here it feels like the author watched one episode and said, "Okay, I think that's enough research."

So it turns out that Discord was the reason Floyd switched minds with Pinkie. Which makes since. He says he was helping out a friend, which mostly sounds like Discord being an idiot with magic. And then we're met with the most annoying cliché ever:

“I can see helping a friend out. So just send me back.” Well, it was fun Pinks, but I got a life to get back-

“I um... can’t.”

This is one thing that really grinds my gear about a story with this sort of concept. It's just an excuse to put them in Equestria. So Discord messed up some magic spell and caused Floyd to switch conscious with Pinkie but now they can't switch back 'cause of plot convenience? Yeah, kind of stupid.

Oh, and then Floyd goes all Pinkamena all over that boi's ass, licks a knife like Lady Gaga (my original choice of words were "a nigga") holding a tootsie pop, and Discord falls for it even though he's, like, the God of Chaos. Also, for some reason, the author thought it would be more intense to bold certain words, instead of, I dunno, capitalizing/italicizing them.

“Oh no, why would I be mad at you? You’re just the guy who tore me away from my life, my budding career, my family, my friends. I mean really, it's no big deal.”

So yeah, this story isn't off to a good start. If there's one thing that I have to admit, though, is that even though I have all these problems with the story, it was much better my second time reading. The first time I read it I was basically at a zero tolerance level. Then I had a snickers and read the chapter again, and everything felt more in place. Although that didn't stop the multiple problems I ran into along the way.

Before we end this review, can I just acknowledge this "clever" method of chapter transition?

Floyd In

So... it's funny because the author replaced the protagonist's name with "fade"? Also, how can you Floyd In but never Floyd Out? If the author's going to run with this joke, he should at least put Floyd Out at the end of every chapter so it makes more sense whenever it Floyd's In. Accordion to biological facts, people don't notice when you replace words with instruments. Also, accordingly to other biological facts, it is impossible to endlessly Floyd In unless you want to rip the fabric of space thereby causing destruction to the Circumstellar Habitable Zone making all life cease to exist in the process. So by Floyding Out you're able to break out of the endless loop of Floyding In and can Floyd In and Floyd Out all you Floyd Want.

I'm gonna go watch Pokemon now.

To clarify a few things: The 'boing' 'doing' thing was suggested by my editor, as one can't tell the difference between 'doing' the sound and 'doing' the word. 'Floyd in' is a reference to film, as 'Floyd is in this work'. Alternatively, it's in the same vein as Sly Cooper. 'Sly and the gang in (insert level name here)'.

5910158 Well, I guess that makes sense now.

Any request for the next part of the review? Each part I plan on taking more time on so I can analyze the story just right. The next three reviews will be on chapters one, two, three, and four. But if for some reason I seek it necessary, I will do a bonus review on multiple chapters. Oh, and sorry if it's not positive so far. If it bothers you in anyway, I can try focusing on things I like more.

5910002
Editor of the story here. Admittedly, the first several chapters were pretty cringey, but I don't generally edit for content, just spelling, punctuation, and grammar / wording. (That said, I do make suggestions on content when I get ideas, such as the aforementioned "doing" joke. (It was swiped from Strong Bad Email #101. It's about a minute in, just after Homestar shows up. I think it works about as well in text as it does spoken.)

I want to point this out:

Somehow Floyd has escaped Pinkie Pie's body and is now a human again. Or he's still Pinkie Pie, only with arms.

Referring to the front limbs of an equine as "arms" is not incorrect, particularly in the case of MLP ponies, where they clearly have a much wider range of motion than regular horses. (Have a look at this diagram, note the parts marked "upper arm" and "forearm".) Also it comes across far more smoothly than "forelimbs", "forelegs", "front legs", or other alternatives.

Edit: Also, the "can't send him back" thing is explained in a few chapters. I don't remember how soon, but it's not far in.

5946145 To be honest, this is one of my least favorite reviews. I make a few good points, but there are so many inside jokes it all just seems so cringy knowing that I wrote this. I will try to do better in Part 2, and I understand a four part review that rips the story to shreds might embarrass the author (and co-author) a little, so I will try to find nicer things to say as well.