In essence I always lament how basically I stopped achieving things after 17 and my University days where a never ending circle of endless studying and work with no results and a sense that I swam so far to only die at the shore.

Imagine being such a looser that you both failed at academics and at a social life. And the trading the later for the former would allow you to progress only to come out the other side empty-handed.

That said being an unsuccessful virgin at thirty going on thirty-one comes with he fact that I avoided a lot of further pain as I wasn't stable in my youth and honestly loosing all my friends means that I may yet to find people that actually care about me.

As I worked and matured and suffered I basically have a far better perspective on life than in my youth and may make better decisions for company now.

I shouldn't be upset that I took so long to mature. So what if no one wants me. I can be perfectly contempt gambling on my writing eventually leaving me a legacy and I can do my best to die debt free.

Even if I am so repellant that I'll die alone it will at least be peaceful. No one can hurt me of no one is there right?

It's good to be invisible.

7830054 Here's the thing, nobody actually cares about anybody. Everybody only care about themselves.

You said it yourself that you avoided people to save yourself from the pain. Well, that pain is the reason why people help the ones who are close to them. Nobody wants that pain, so they do what they can to avoid it. It's all just another selfish act.

So, you will never find anybody who cares about you. The best you can do is find somebody who will help you in an attempt to avoid the pain of seeing you hurt.

Now comes the ironic part. In order to find a person who will share your life, you need to start living as if you don't need that person. That lifestyle is what attracts others. They want to be part of a success story, and if you already have that going for you, you'll become attractive, no matter how you look.

7830160
Seems unsustainable. Someone has to actually care.

7830177 You underestimate human selfishness. They all care about their own feelings. Hurting others brings them bad feelings and they will do anything to avoid them.

And that's why it is sustainable. People will keep helping other people because they don't want to get hurt by others' misfortune.

7830188
Seems like empathy with extra steps.

7830200 It only comes across as empathy in all aspects, but it's actually rooted in egotism and selfishness.

A human who would care for another has not yet been born.

I want to respond more for lurkers who might be reading. I'm always surprised by how many read threads but never post.

7830054

In essence I always lament how basically I stopped achieving things after 17 and my University days where a never ending circle of endless studying and work with no results and a sense that I swam so far to only die at the shore

at thirty going on thirty-one

I truly hate this notion that if someone isn't a "success" or firing on all cylinders by 30, then they're a failure. Most of my extended family immigrated to the U.S. in their 30s or very late 20s with nearly nothing. Now they're in their 50s - 70s and have lived awesome lives. Unless you have a crippling illness, fixing your life at 30 is not only doable, but it's been done literally millions of time just in the United States.

Huge obstacles like crippling illness are a different story obviously. Still, at 28 I'm only now able to exercise and physically live like a normal human due to my Elhers Danlos. And it's another year probably until I can exercise and do sports like I want to. If 30 is too late for people, then I was born hopeless

Besides, since most people can't control their own lives until 18, then by 30 you only have twelve real years of decision-making. And most people tend to be a lot more mature and decisive in their 30s. Seriously, feeling behind at 30 is nowhere near the death sentence many make it out to be

7836273

I truly hate this notion that if someone isn't a "success" or firing on all cylinders by 30, then they're a failure. [...]

Judging by Disavowed-ASH's posts, I think it's not so much that his age is a problem but rather that thanks to anxiety and stuff, he has been stuck in a rut for a few years, unable to get out. It's taxing for your psyche - especially if you pass thirty and know your life is still a mess.

It's not a death sentence, but changing your habits at that age is hard and only gets harder with each passing year. Plus, your thirties are when you start having first real regrets for things you did/didn't do... No wonder many people feel that not having your life 'in order' at that age is a failure.

7836539

Judging by Disavowed-ASH's posts, I think it's not so much that his age is a problem but rather that thanks to anxiety and stuff, he has been stuck in a rut for a few years, unable to get out. It's taxing for your psyche - especially if you pass thirty and know your life is still a mess.

Agreed, which is why I made my post general and not directed at ASH. I don't know enough about his story to say anything meaningful.

It's not a death sentence, but changing your habits at that age is hard and only gets harder with each passing year.

I do have to wonder how much of this is cultural and/or self-imposed, though. I understand the difficulty of starting a new sport in your 30s, but having the willpower to change your habits?

7836690

I do have to wonder how much of this is cultural and/or self-imposed, though. I understand the difficulty of starting a new sport in your 30s, but having the willpower to change your habits?

Not sure whether it's a cultural thing, but the willpower to change seems to vary wildly between individuals (unsurprising, given how people differ in general), but it also seems to depend on the habit in question, how much control you have over it, how likely the positive outcome is over the negative, etc.

However, the age seems to be a common denominator. AFAIK, it's well documented that, on average, the older you get, the harder it is to step out of your comfort zone to try new things - that's one of the reasons why we do crazy stuff as kids that we would not do as adults. This 'change demotivation' hits some people more than others, but it affects everyone. And that's assuming you even know WHAT to change to improve your life- which can be a tricky question in itself.

To give an example... The difference between how I felt at thirty (when I joined this site) and now (at thirty-six) is HUGE. Motivation falling, anxiety rising, fear of the future, a feeling of not belonging, regrets... those things weren't there six years ago (not at this scale, anyway ) but are there now. Finding a destination and the willpower to change something in such conditions is... tricky, especially when you can make things even worse than they are.

7836878

However, the age seems to be a common denominator. AFAIK, it's well documented that, on average, the older you get, the harder it is to step out of your comfort zone to try new things

This I'll agree to, but I just wonder how much of it is self-induced. I can't think of any logical reason why now at 28 it should be harder for me to step out of my comfort zone versus at 18. I personally started getting a lot better at stepping out of my comfort zone the older I got. I agree that this "change demotivation" exists, but I don't think it hits everyone, nor do I believe it's inevitable. There are way too many stories of people drastically changing their lives at late ages for me to believe otherwise.

Speaking as an American, I will say that it hits a lot of people here at 30 simply due to how our society is currently structured. You're expected to have a degree with good career prospects by 30, and if you don't, you might be shit out of luck due to how expensive and time consuming college is.

7837062

This I'll agree to, but I just wonder how much of it is self-induced. [...]

You could argue that technically - as long as someone has complete control of his life - almost everything that person does or doesn't do is self-induced. Your life, your choices, and so on... But, in practice, it's more complicated...

I can't think of any logical reason why now at 28 it should be harder for me to step out of my comfort zone versus at 18. I personally started getting a lot better at stepping out of my comfort zone the older I got.

Responsibility for others would be one reason. Making a life-changing decision to take a new - and theoretically better - job on the other side of the country is vastly different when you're 20+ and barely started your career than when you're 30+ with a wife/child/mortgage/other obligations (or even just work in a stable job with people you know).

In the latter scenario, it's much harder to 'just do it' because if you choose poorly, it won't be just you who's affected. Plus, your career may not recover as smoothly as ten years earlier. Add some external variables to the mix - like an impending economic crisis - and I can guarantee that even You would be more cautious to get out of your comfort zone than when you were younger and alone .

... unless you have so much cash that you're set for life already, but in that case, you're, by definition, an exception, not the rule .

There are way too many stories of people drastically changing their lives at late ages for me to believe otherwise.

To be clear, nowhere did I say it's impossible - only that, on average, it gets harder with age . That doesn't mean you can't turn your life around at 30-40 or even 50-60, but... realistically, the number of people who managed to pull that off is small. I'm not suggesting you shouldn't try, though.

You're expected to have a degree with good career prospects by 30, and if you don't, you might be shit out of luck due to how expensive and time consuming college is.

That seems to be a pretty universal notion in Western countries, at least, except the part about the collage is replaced by a 'to have w wife and a kid' part. To me, it's oversimplified BS. You can have a good job and be successful on the outside and still be miserable inside.

Personally, I think what truly matters is that you set some goal that's fulfilling to YOU. Whether it's a family, a career, or a hobby - as long as it makes you happy, it doesn't matter. Manage to stay engaged with something like that until you die, and you're a winner. On the flip side... if you lose that driving force (or never find it), well... you're f*cked.

At least, that's more and more the way I see it.

7837239

f you lose that driving force (or never find it), well... you're f*cked.

Maybe that's why we love ponies so much. Their destinies are printed right there on their plots.

7837245

Can't argue with that . If, in the real world, everybody acted like CMCs, looking for their special thing, then it would be much easier for them later in life. Assuming they made it alive recognizing their special talent, that is