Hey there, EFNW, I've read and written up tiny reviews of all the (fimfic) entries! In case you're interested in hearing the opinion of someone who has absolutely nothing to do with the con, they can be found here.

My ratings scale goes Highly Recommended, Recommended, Recommended under these Conditions, Vaguely Recommended, Not Recommended, and Incomplete (since I usually only review completed stories).

Now, there are a total of 45 Vs and Ns, mostly Ns, which means there's a very good chance I didn't like your story. Never fear. If there's one thing I noticed in this lineup, it's that a lot of first-time writers came out to try their hand at fanfiction, and I think that's just fantastic. Contests are a great way to get yourself writing, but not so much for building self-esteem unless you're already a gifted writer.

In light of this, I'm willing to clarify any of my points. The reviews are short, generally summary-errors-opinion, because there were so many stories to read. My purpose in writing these reviews isn't to hurt anyone's feelings -- don't let the words of one person about one story get you down -- and I'd love nothing more than to help new writers. I can't edit everyone's stories, of course, but I will point things out if you're interested in improving your writing. Or, you can check this link and get some tips as well as resources to help you improve. It'll also clarify a lot of my jargon, like the difference between showing and telling. (There's also an excellent writers' guide that's linked when you go to submit a new story on this site; I highly recommend checking that out as well.) If you want clarification, please link me to your story there are so many ;_;

Everyone who participated in this contest has my heartfelt thanks for being brave enough to put their words out where others can see them. Keep writing!

So... when am I getting the review for the story I wrote in less than 4 hours without editing?

3026379

If you feel like expanding on my entry, it will be greatly appreciated.

I'm curious about what you called typographical errors in my story. I took another look at it, but while I did find a grammatical error (and I'm sure there must be other ones I'm not qualified to find), I didn't find anything I would call a typographical error. Unless you count the two hastily written notes not being properly addressed as errors, but those were intentional, exactly to show that they were written in haste.

Thank you for your review, I hope I can progress enough to be in your recommended list in the future

3026379

Ah, lovely to know my story is garbage

3026379

One Last Mission by Strythio: Sombra, captain of the Royal Guard, is called away from his family for a mission. There’s a lot of focus on his pension. Definitely needs more words. N

Arrgh, my ego! Focus was totally not supposed to be the pension.

Though, "needs more words" is probably the last thing that I expected to read attached to it. I think "needs different words" is probably what you were looking for, because we did have a 3K word limit, and I was just 4 words short of the limit.

Alright, now that that has gotten out, ego bandaged, notation made to expand story after competition. Thanks for the feedback.

I never submitted a story.

I also get the feeling that two authors are happy with feedback on their story, and three authors think their stories are magnificent, phenomenally written from start to finish, and that nothing anyone says or thinks can possibly make that story any more magnificent. That's the current number of upvotes and downvotes on the post, at least.

3026379

An After-School Meeting by NodoubtbuodoN: A conversation without characters, not bad but hard to follow, due to voicing and a lot of repetition. Who’s talking is not quite who you expect, but the ideas expressed are fairly standard. V

Eh, fair points, all of them.

Between just wanting to get a story involving Silver Spoon and/or Diamond Tiara out of my system, get out of a funk I've been in, and do a little experimentation with dialogue in general (even if it wasn't completely successful), I'm still glad I took some time to write the thing up. And I'm flattered you took the time to give me this feedback, 'cause stuff like this is really the only way I'll ever get better.

Regards, presentperfect.

3027011
You know, it's very possible that that's what I was referring to. Yours being last on the list, I will admit to rushing through it somewhat so I could be done. ._.

3026584
It's in the journal I linked. I called yours a good idea with poor execution, which is actually good news, because words are easier to fix than ideas. :)

3027087
No story is garbage. Writing effective emotional pieces requires a lot of work, and maybe a certain amount of personal experience. Keep at it!

3028101
His pension was just mentioned so many times, I couldn't help but notice it. It seemed a strange thing to mention more than once, especially at the end, coming from Celestia.

And no, I meant more words. Some stories can't be finished properly in 3k, and you weren't the only author whose story likely suffered for having to be jammed into the word limit. Consider expanding on it after the contest is over. :)

3030031
Your story definitely has merit. Normally, dialogue without tags is derided as "talking heads", but in this case, it could be very powerful. I didn't figure out who was speaking until near the end, though I had some ideas, but stronger voicing would definitely help with the readability. And, well, part of the confusingness was due to a lot of the little vocal ticks, the ums and pauses and so forth that pepper a real conversation but weren't overly readable in quick succession. Some things don't translate well to the written word. :B

3031181
So no story is garbage?...That's...good...I guess

But the fact is, your whole review of my story was that, according to you, it's a sob story to make Lightning Dust seem like less of a bitch.
Most of the other stories that were not recommended were because of poor pacing, terrible grammar, or ponies acting out of character...
As far as I can tell, you just really dislike mine because you label it as a typical sob story...

And, while yes, it is to a certain extent a sob story...The whole intention of the piece was never just to totally excuse her actions. I was trying to develop her more as a character and give her an understandable reason for having image problems...specifically showing off in front of Spitfire. It's not like she acts like the whole thing isn't her fault...she even justifies that she chose to act the way she did, and that it isn't all the fault of a past experience, as well as admits Rainbow Dash is the better pony. The flashback itself simply helps create a way for Rainbow to relate to her, and give them a chance to reconcile their relationship.

Hell, I think the fact that I simply tried to add more to a character that hasn't gotten half the screentime she deserves, rather than playing up the stereotypical "inherently evil character is redeemed with friendship" idea is something, right? I was trying to present a character with a decent personality underneath, but realistic flaws that effect her, rather than just labeling her as a bitch who needs help.

No disrespect, but with you reading 70 something fanfics in like...3 days, I can't help but wonder if you just read as far as Lightning crying, and telling a story about Spitfire effecting her confidence, and labeled it instantly as a ridiculously stupid "pity the character" sob story...
Maybe I'm simply too blind to see whatever big mistakes I've made in my story, but I wonder if you'd really sat there and read every single word...you might have appreciated it a little more.

3031181

If I recall correctly, Sombra's pension, separate of the retirement reward of him no longer being in the service, was mentioned around 4-5 times. For 3K words that may be a lot, but I agree that the story could have been better had I not used only 3K words and a lot of "said" phrases. But I digress.

The significance of Sombra's reward for completing the mission is indeed there, beyond the obvious pension received. He could retire and live out the rest of his days with his family with it and the discharge of sorts. Celestia mentioning that consolation prize at the end was supposed to have a different impact than, "There goes that pension word again".

Then again, as the writer who cut out parts here and there to fit stuff in, I would fully know that without further explanation; the reader, on the other hand (hoof? Whatever) might would have needed some of the stuff I had to omit in order to get the bigger picture.

3031363
Actually, it was 2 days.

More than one author in this contest had difficulty with the concept of redemption. It's sometimes enough for a villain to say "I'm sorry" (if those she says it to accept), but it's never enough to say "I didn't mean it" and brush things under the rug.

But just in case my eyes were getting crossed by the time I came to your fic, let me reread it right now and go over what I see.

First paragraph: I get momentary suicide vibes off of this. They're ultimately unsupported by LD's thoughts, but that's never a good way to begin, and first impressions are everything.

The whole thing about her not actually being kicked out, but demoted, the historical meaning of that, that's interesting, it shows you're not just accepting the standard interpretations of everything.

The bit about her letting down her family, being the first pony from her village to be accepted into the Academy, etc., is a signal that I'm supposed to feel sorry for her. I've seen worse, but I take great offense to emotional manipulation. You get better traction with her "Only weak ponies cry for their mistakes" line, as that shows characterization as well as emotion.

Now Dash shows up, and LD immediately starts making excuses for her actions. "I didn't plan to", "I didn't set out to", "How was I even supposed to know". These are not endearing turns of phrase. She was punished because she did something reckless without thinking about it; if she can't recognize that, then how can she be redeemed? Then the next paragraph about the bush and everything comes off as a bit far-fetched. We don't see what happens to her in the episode, but it feels like reaching for reasons why she wasn't doing anything.

Again, you get some good characterization in with LD's comments about the power of being Lead Pony going to her head, and she does finally own up to something. But that's what we need in a redemptive story: owning up.

The point of the story that follows, though, is "I learned that being nice to ponies below you doesn't earn you respect." And that, I think, is actually where the problem lies in this. Lightning Dust's action that makes her an antagonist isn't demanding respect or letting power get to her head (or being a bitch, to use my own words), it's nearly killing five ponies. So whether or not you've created an effectively sympathetic character here, your aim is off as far as what needs to happen to redeem the character. And honestly, Lightning Dust coming to terms with her beliefs about respect and leadership kind of works as a story, but again, it's not enough to make her look like a better pony after what she did.

I'd also like to mention the idea of the Sympathy Sue. It's like a Mary Sue, except that instead of being amazing at everything, the character is... pretty much the opposite. Every awful conceivable thing happens to them. Lightning Dust in this story had to live through her mother's death, for instance. And she's from a town with only fourteen skilled fliers. And she was put in charge of something way too early to be able to handle the responsibility. And some of the pegasi were parents or workers who begged the day off. And her town was really poor, so these were valid excuses even if they turned out to be lies. All these problems stack up to make the odds for Lightning impossible, and the reader is supposed to feel sorry for her. But like the Mary Sue, it's not an effective way to create a character; instead, having recognized her for what she is, I'm unwilling to sympathize with LD, and so yes, her story does come off as a sob story.

Lastly, having really looked at this piece just now, I have to say that some of it doesn't line up as far as making sense. Why would Cloudsdale request a tornado from a town with only 14 fliers? Rainbow Dash had a couple dozen pegasi, and being only 8 down left her with nearly not enough to pull the tornado off. This is lampshaded (that is, the text attempts to explain that Spitfire was against using a small town), but it still doesn't explain why Spitfire demands LD go through with it, with only 4 fliers left. You're obviously characterizing her here as cold and efficient, which I can get behind after Wonderbolt Academy, but the fact is, she would have had to have wanted Lightning Dust to fail, because there's no way she could have even pretended they could succeed with those numbers. That seems a whole level of cruelty beyond what she's really capable of in the show (and she even criticizes the townsponies for putting a teenager in charge of tornado duty, making her something of a hypocrite).

So, I'm sorry to say, but taking a really close look at this story, I don't appreciate it more. Well, I do actually, you have some nice little characterization touches, but they're not what moves the plot. Logical inconsistencies and a miss on the purpose of the story hamper it, but they don't make it garbage. They just mean that you've got a lot of work to do if you want this story to shine. And if there's one thing I can tell you about writing, it's that it is work. I hope this was illuminative for you, at least.

3031181
Well, my fault for not knowing where to draw the line between reality and fiction. Once or twice might have been okay, but I probably would have edited more of those pauses and ticks out had I looked at my story just a bit longer. *shrug*

I guess I was just hoping for the reader to be able to follow who was speaking by both the spoken dialogue and how the lines progressed (character 1, then 2, then 1 again, so on, so forth), which included those pauses. Looking back, I sort of undermined my own strategy the moment my third character was introduced into the proceedings. All of a sudden, my simple one-two, one-two pattern was broken. Again, I must shrug. *shrug*

3026379

Huh, I personally didn't like it in its current form, yet at the same time I feel more motivated to do other projects I've had in mind. The main problem with Applebloom's Tiara was that it was never proofread or corrected.

Now, what concerns me is whether I should be proud that it somewhat impressed you with the nagging feeling of a lost potential, despite my obvious lack of effort, or if I should be shamed for having an I instead of an N.

I know it doesn't really matter at the end, but this is certainly interesting. I've read only one other contest entry — A Little Sliver Lie — and found myself mostly agreeing on, though I think that particular fic is more an of I as well.

I really appreciate, not just for the sake of my own fic, but everyone else's as well, that you took the time to read every single entry and give the a rough judgement of where they're going. It gives people a good gauge of how their writing is, especially in competition with others.

I am surprised that the only story you highly recommended was Tarnish. I took a look at it... and was certainly impressed but found it lacking at the same time. Very well done characterisation. It's a shining example... oh puns... of how exactly a redemption fic should be written.

I realised that's what I found lacking in A Little Sliver Lie...

Thanks, for showing me such a story exist.

Also, sometimes I forget important nouns or can't think adjectives. No why.

3031866

Yea, at least you've given me a decent explanation now.

However, concerning the point of the number of fliers, there were technically more than 4 there.
There would kind of have to be...
Hurricane Fluttershy states that it takes 800 wingpower to create the tornado, going off this and the fact that an individual pegasus can generally achieve about 10 wingpower, it would take somewhere around 70 to 80 pegasi to pull it off, more or less depending on their skill.
Lightning Dust does state they have somewhere around that number, just that they don't have many well-trained fliers (14, to be exact).
So, even with the missing ponies, they'd still be in the range...technically. At least, as far as Spitfire knows. Ponyville itself has shown that small towns can pull it off if they're well trained, it's just that Lightning Dust's team wasn't.
(Sorry, inner math nerd couldn't leave it alone)

3032112
Yeah, you definitely want to keep it to two characters. But you've got nothing to apologize for, that's part of writing. :)

3032575
An I is not a 'worse' rating than an N. I review complete stories, and thus I can't rightly give a full recommendation to something that isn't complete. (I had this issue with another contest.) Anyway, don't ever feel ashamed of anything you've written (unless you're writing to glorify awful character doing awful things, I suppose), and just remember I'm one guy who reviews fanfic. :)

But yeah, even just rereading something you've written once will help you suss out errors and make the words flow better. For contests, you don't always have the luxury of time, though. I do think your idea was good, which is probably the best thing you can hope for. As I said elsewhere, words are easier to fix than ideas.

3032726
Ah, numbers aren't my strong point. I misinterpreted something there. :)

3026379
Hello.

About my fic, A Dream of an Other, which you said some nice things about. Could you perhaps elaborate a bit more about what exatly you loved about the narration? It would help me to reproduce that effect in my later writing if you could identify a key factor there. If that's not to ask too much.

3103254
I'm less good at pinpointing things that work than things that don't, but perusing your story again, I'd point to word choice and adherence to non-standard structures as things that worked. There's something to be said for breaking out of the molds of expectation, which this story definitely does. And yes, the prose is often purple, but that also means it's evocative -- I mean, you've just got a lot of really great imagery in there -- and it fits into the narrative voice you've built, which is ponderous and has an air of timelessness.

Did that bunch of words work for you? :B

3103280

Did that bunch of words work for you? :B

It certainly made my day. You're right, though: It's not that easy to explicitly say why something, especially a piece of writing, pleases you.

Alright! I've been wanting to post here for the last 3 weeks, but I didn't want to until the contest was finished. Yo dawg, we heard you like stories so here's a story about my story so you can read while you read. I'd be amazed if I wasn't the last entry to the contest. I submitted my story to fimfiction at about 11:59pm on the last night of the contest itself. It was only an hour later that it dawned on me that I had to actually submit it to the contest for it to, you know, be submitted? I reached out via PM and email. The PM said it was too late and that I couldn't enter the contest. The email said I was in. The judges had been lenient in bending the rules for writing contests in the past so I thought that there was hope in entering this time. Juuuuuust in case I was wrong I didn't want to say anything, lest I get kicked out of the contest once someone noticed that it was submitted what someone deemed to be too late. Now that the contest is officially over I'll dare to ask for feedback!

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/172841/clouded-apologies

The two problems that you had with it were story structure and excessive monologue. Once I had recovered from the shock of hearing how my story was graded a D- at best, it dawned on me that you weren't the only one to tell me the structure had problems. The first critique I had was to basically re-write half of the story because the race was terrible. In hindsight, it felt foreign and kind of stuck in for the sake of being stuck in. I think I could have fixed it up had I spent more than the last 2 days of the contest writing it in its entirety. Did I mention that earlier? Of course not I was saving it for the dramatic reveal. And the meta synopsis. Really hope I used the word meta right. Anyway.

The second critique you had was talking head syndrome. Oh Celestia I have a problem somepony halp. I've managed to bog down stories with too much dialogue when they're about 1 pony alone in a dark room. It's a recurring problem I've had and I can never tell when I'm doing it. Some pointers on avoiding that would be much appreciated.

Thank you for taking the time to read and rate every story of the contest. Even though I didn't have a snowballs chance in Tartarus, it was nice to see a review of my story. I realized that even though I wasn't the best I also wasn't the worst and mentally prepared myself for the inevitable of not winning. I appreciate it and wanted to say thank you, so thank you. Double thank you if you can find the time to respond and/or look over my story once more.

3164719
I'm glad this turned out to be a good experience for you! :)

Talking heads is something that's easy to identify and work on. It's also one of those skeevy problems, in that sometimes it's called for, or isn't actually a problem. But for a developing writer, it's definitely a good idea to sort it out with dialogue tags and action and whatnot, to get in the habit of making your dialogue scenes more dynamic. Good luck!