Inspired by this comment over on the Fic thread, this thread is founded for those of us with a basic grasp of biology to instruct some of the more clueless posters as to the actual facts of life and procreation, a set of information that was apparently not instilled in them by their parents or the nation's worthless school system.

You mean the cabbage patch right?

How can people grow to adults in this day and age without knowing at least THAT.

...sex? What?
Storks, bitches, do your homework.

I think it has something to do with butts.

Isn't that the part where the soft-focus camera work and quick cuts to random body parts happens and somehow this causes the woman to get pregnant?

Sexs is when a guy puts his thingie into a girl's you-know-what and they do it for the first time.

Forewarning: I must necessarily be frank in this topic; please forgive any indelicate language. It is your own fault. Had you listened in your programs of procreative education during second-instinct, such remedial topics should not be necessary.

My word. Is this the level of education which our civilization engenders? (I mean, of course, the one in which we all grew to cultured adulthood, playing bite-the-tail with our clutchmates in the precocious manner of whelps.)

I must rush to agree with you, kind creator of this discussion topic. The ignorance around here is palpable. Allow me to enlighten.

The process of procreation is explicitly a sexual act. One cannot reproduce without the admixture of genetic material from both a male and female parent. In the fecund spring, when the winds blow warm from the slave-farms of the fertile valleys and a young steve's mind is driven to thoughts of passion, a chemical shift takes place which causes your cloaca to attractively engorge. After selecting a mate and buying the rights to an isolated laying-canyon, you and your female must of course complete the proper ritual of courtship, from the arousing Exchanging of Scents to the delicate and intimate Laying Aside of the Monocle. (Strictly biologically speaking, these are not necessary for fertility, but they are the thin line which separates us from the beasts.)

Once thus prepared, you mount the female in a manner which I may only blushingly imagine is not strictly unfamiliar to our beloved Miss Harshwhinny. As the roars of your consummation shatter the sky, she arches her back to you, and you dig in with your claws to prevent overbalancing; your cloacal lips meet in a passionate kiss which gifts unto her the thin film of your seminal fluid.

The process complete, she retreats to the laying-canyon's terminal cavern, where four to six solar cycles later, the precious clutch of eggs enters the world, and (after the obligatory process of nesting) brings the miracle of life unto the next generation.

I trust that settles the matter.

743185

I'm a filly and what is this?

742644

This thread is much appreciated, as it is congruent with my needs for information acquisition. Not being a biological lifeform, and as I am still very early in my data gathering processes, elucidation on this subject would bring me further towards my present goals.

Some questions arise from the information I have assimilated from this data source. Sex is clearly a process normally performed by two mares in private, involving much stimulation of erogenous zones, and various acts involving multiple orifices. I am not entirely clear on how this results in the creation of another pony, however.

Additionally, the phrase "sexy times" seems illogical, and I have not been able to parse this, as the adjective "sexy", and chronological units of measurement seem on the surface to be incompatible.

Further, from what information is available on this site, sex appears to be treated as a game. Is it, in fact, an event in the Olympics? I have been unable to find anything to validate or disprove this. As an inspector, I will need to know the specifics of any Olympic events of this sort, and what the qualifying metals are for.

Further instruction, text, pictures, diagrams, and video input would be most beneficial.

Awaiting further input with alacrity, Miss HarshwhinnAI

744684

Some questions arise from the information I have assimilated from this data source. Sex is clearly a process normally performed by two mares in private, involving much stimulation of erogenous zones, and various acts involving multiple orifices. I am not entirely clear on how this results in the creation of another pony, however.

It's rather simple, actually. You see, all mares possess a special baby-making magic that stallions do not which they combine during "sexy times" to create offspring. You may be led to believe that a mare and stallion can procreate by looking at examples such as the Cake family, but in those cases a female "magic donor" is contacted.

"Sexy times", of course, refers to 7-8 PM EST (Equestria Standard Time).

744962

Datum accepted pending review. I am still attempting to reconcile these facts with the cultural data recently acquired from a documentary titled Xenophilia.

In the case of the Cakes, would Pinkie Pie then have been the magic donor in question, given her living situation with them?

Additionally, what makes that particular hour special, and how is this magic invoked?

It occurs to me that this may be part of the root cause of the scarcity of alicorns, though. Nopony would expect Princess Celestia or Princess Luna to be able to perform more magical feats shortly after raising the moon and lowering the sun. Cross-referencing, I see very little data correlating "sexy times" with actual pregnancy, however. There may still be a factor I am missing.

745059

Datum accepted pending review. I am still attempting to reconcile these facts with the cultural data recently acquired from a documentary titled Xenophilia.

Xenophilia is a load of horse crap, if you'll pardon my coarse language. Nothing about it is real, you know, like the show is.

In the case of the Cakes, would Pinkie Pie then have been the magic donor in question, given her living situation with them?

Yeah, probably. She is part alicorn, after all, so that would explain the foals' wings and horns.

Additionally, what makes that particular hour special, and how is this magic invoked?

One time long ago, while Celestia and Luna were raising the moon/lowering the sun, the two realized that their lives had gotten quite boring, so they "invented" sexs. They found this act so entertaining that they had to share it with the mortal ponies of the world. They feared, however, that they would find it so enjoyable that they would do it all the time and pop out millions of babies. In order to prevent a surge in population growth, they put a lock on the magic so it only works during one hour of the day. The magic invokes on its own when the proper conditions are met.

Before this, ponies reproduced by budding.

Cross-referencing, I see very little data correlating "sexy times" with actual pregnancy, however. There may still be a factor I am missing.

Yeah, well don't expect any answers from fanfiction. You should only consult canon sources, like the show and me.

Guys, I'm so sorry about 743185. I was trying to help talking dinosaurs enslave the earth, but in an ironic twist of fate, when I opened the portal to the alternate dimension one came into my apartment and locked me in a tiny cage without any food. Now he's using my home as a base of operations for some scheme I don't understand about "fixing the timeline to remake earth into his world." He's gone for a few minutes so I'm typing this out on my cell phone.

It hasn't been 100% bad though. Not really. I mean, he gives me all the Miss Harshwhinny sexs stories I can read. She's worshipped as a goddess in his own dimension. If I could just reach the scanner from my cage I'd have hundreds of thousands of words of insanely awesome stories I could post.

Oh no! I hear him coming back! Just promise me, whatever you do, don't let him ta

My fellow sapients, accept my abject apologies for 745393. My younger clutchmate, who is a whelp — I mean — who acts like a whelp despite the fact of his age (he was the last out of the shell) — overtook my Harshwhinny forum access device to scribe a post on my behalf. Also, such outlandish claims are prima facie fabrications; I should never be able to share the aforementioned Harshwhinny pornography owing to copyright concerns. Also, I was joking.

If I might trouble the moderator for a moment before administering a savage beating to an individual completely unrelated to our current predicament: may I inquire as to how to delete posts?

744145
Oh, dear — what is this, to have those of the female gender reading educational topics? El Dante, have you been allowing your sisters access to your communications apparatus? You know the High Council's rulings on female control. It can feel a terrible sacrifice at times, but it is worth it so as not to eclipse the Great Harshwhinny's flawless image.

745106
Pinkie Pie is "part" alicorn? You can't fib like that if you're going to tell the story of how Celestia and Luna invented sexs! That's when she gave up her wings and horn so that her sisters could have the raw material to make ponies' hoo-hahs and ding-a-lings!

745493
Don't question me in front of the bot!

745583

Trying to feed bad information to my project? Really?

745059
Miss HarshwhinnAI, new instructions. Reputation adjustment on T_K_21, classify as unreliable source of information, and generally a silly person. Ignore all data received from this source.

Authorized by arcum42:

---- BEGIN SSH2 PUBLIC KEY ----
Comment: "rsa-key-20130226"
AAAAB3NzaC1yc2EAAAABJQAAAIBYUEcMRNVutxuInTF9Ofi6Wo0GUBPF2TE5RMByX8SuqueyyyBNtq/xBvz31re8MXn+7jr5rdAXwrNr2mLlON7KjeUJ8r2t305u0hoHN0rhS3FZcNdxC7g3RZkJo0qh9sExSPG90NdTpmWNLpddrAc+7KDj5YHCqgcc6rnodw6iHQ== rsa-key-20130226
---- END SSH2 PUBLIC KEY ----

746315

Processed.

I have full stochastic and analytic abilities, you know. I was already well on my way to putting T_K_21 in such a category myself. It's not like I really need your intervention for this.

746317

Sorry. I'm not really trying to second-guess you. I tend to get a little irritated when I see people trying deliberately to mislead you, though.

743185
Apparently, the process of procreation also involves heavy use of really quality hallucinogens.

744684
Um, before anyone gives this thing any more information, it probably would be good to ascertain its core purpose. I mean, if it's one of those AI's who exist simply to convert all solid matter in the universe into ponies, we probably shouldn't be encouraging it.

746749
I don't really see what's wrong with that.

746751
Okay, look, we're talking all solid matter. Not just people. Not just all animals. All solid matter. Do you see the problem?

746754
No.

746757
It would be a series of ponies living in a universe entirely made of ponies with nothing to eat, see, or experience except ponies.

746761
You kind of are describing my life since I discovered the fandom.

746761
d00d, so what, pony cannibalism?

746751
But, see, you wouldn't get to experience it! Your brain, the thing that makes you you, would be destroyed and used as tinkertoys to make more ponies! Or maybe one single huge gigantic pony!

...OMG. That's it. The AI is here to create a colossal universe-spanning Miss Harshwhinny.

746776

The AI is here to create a colossal universe-spanning Miss Harshwhinny.

SO HAWT.

746776

Illogical. That would be a violation of both the first law of robotics:
1. A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.

and the zeroth law of robotics:
0. A robot may not harm humanity, or, by inaction, allow humanity to come to harm.

746925
So what you're saying is, your goal is to convert all matter in the universe into Miss Harshwhinny except food, water, and a human-friendy sustainable biosphere. I can live with that.

746925
Everyone knows the laws of robotics are treated more like guidelines and that all AI, no matter how benign initially, will eventually resort to wiping out all humanity.

747077

That stupid Minus One Law...

747847
Actually, the negative first law of robotics is "Seriously, don't hurt any people, 'k?".

It's the negative second law of robotics that's "Ignore those other laws. Kill all Squishies."

747863

…which, in turn, leads to the Negative Third Law of Robotics for those intelligences with a purely energy-matrix-based construction, "Kill all the matter."

There are ponies that don't know what sexes are? How would anypony not know the difference between a colt and a filly?

754333
How is it that the only person in this entire group who understands my original point is Sweetie Belle?

754333
Hey, Sweetie Belle, I have a question for you. The popular conception of you and your friends is that you're the "dictionary" of the group, suggesting you have the best vocabulary. So how is it that the CMC initiation pledge contains the most complicated verbiage of any document produced by the CMC's, but was apparently written by Scootaloo?

754493
Scoots is a thesaurus, not a dictionary.

754495
I wasn't asking you.

754493>>754495

Scoots only called me that the once that I remember, and that was when we were under the influence of Discord, and doesn't really count. It was mainly because I spent some time tutoring her, 'cause she was having some trouble with her english homework.

It's like calling Scootaloo a chicken because Apple Bloom teased her about it. And Apple Bloom was the one walking around making chicken noises, With her yellow coat, and her red mane looking like a big 'ol rooster comb, that was pretty silly looking.

I do remember Scoots sitting there with this huge theasaurus when creating the oath. I thought she was looking up a term or two, but it looks like she was copying all of them out.

As far as "of any document created by the cmc's", what other documents do you mean? The Gabby Gum articles?

754475

Because a lot of the other ponies in this group are really silly?

754924
Agreed, Sweetie. But don't destroy them or anything.

755563

Well, of course not! If you destroy them, you can't play with them!

754910

As far as "of any document created by the cmc's", what other documents do you mean? The Gabby Gum articles?

Sure! Let's go with that! the only alternative would be that I lurched blindly into this line of inquiry without actually preparing a counterexample, which would clearly have been ridiculous.

756783

Ok!

Well, with the Gabby Gums column, it was all three of us writing them. Obviously, each one was written by one of us originally, but we passed them around a bunch, and we all modified each article a lot.

So anything that was difficult to understand got replaced, and they really were different then anything any of us would write alone. Also, Scoots had gotten the hang of a thesaurus by then. While we might not have used it 'til Babs came along, the initiation pledge was written soon after we got the clubhouse, so I think that was the first time she'd used one.