Years before Littlepip stepped from Stable 2, the Wasteland greeted all ponies with it's usual contempt. Tome Tale and his silent partner, Stranger, live day to day on their next bag of caps, until they stumble into something bigger than themselves.
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Wow, I don't normally pick up on Fallout Equestria stories but as a writer of longer stories myself i'll be watching this one. I personally like how you write Tome Tale, good luck with your series!
LateBronyWriter
P.S. Because I had trouble with this as well, if you copy your story to Google Docs then copy and paste it back here in FimFiction it'll add those spaces between the paragraphs that everyone wants to see.
Just a helpful word of advice
LateBronyWriter
6433831 thanks. the upload system of fimfiction is REALLY annoyingly bad. -_-
I'm glad you like the story. :) Really, it means a lot to get a positive review on it so far. ^-^
6433884 I'm glad. ^-^ I hope to hear what you think when you're done reading what's there.
6433862 Don't mention it! I like longer stories and your work is surprisingly good!
LateBronyWriter
6434210 Thank you so much for the kind words. And you can thank my editor for that. XD
I'd like to think of myself as a good writer, but like most authors, my book would be just ramblings without the skills of a good editor to make it better. So if there are punctuation issues that mess with the flow and ebb of the sentence, I put entire blame on my editor. His fault! ALL HIS! *hides under bed*
6434229
I can see the clusters of focused thought in the writing, which I feel is more a characteristic to Tome than a writing issue. It provides a different mood, something unique.
Oh, and having read halfway into chapter 1, I'd like to congratulate you on amusing me so much. I don't know why, but I had the giggles for a while after reading 'I like to think he finds me hilarious.' about the mute bandage pone.
6434686 This is set YEARS before littlepip ever stepped out of her stable. a great many years. this is before calamity ever even came down from the clouds. we're talking about 20 years before or somewhere around there. lol. so no, she probably won't be mentioned. XD but, I'll change that little detail anyway, thank you for the notice. :) Also, I hope you like the story.
Just curious but have you ever played Fallout? I ask out of curiosity because of the footnotes with levelling up. I know it's your own fic and what not but I'd still prefer to compare it to the original FO:E and say making your own perks is a good idea buuut it might help you more if you base your perks off the ones in game, otherwise it kinda doesn't make sense, don't get me wrong it's good but it's your fic so go at it how you will.
6435033 Yes I have., but I couldnt find a comparable upgrade in the game that would fit. So I made my own. I will, wherever possible, use official upgrades (punned of course where possible) and level ups. :) Thank you for the concern, I hope you have, otherwise, enjoyed the story.
6434377 hehe. I'm glad. though I fear people may grow to hate tome later on. People need to be perfectly clear on something...Tome is NOT a Hero.
And that's actually the point.
Because sometimes you don't need a hero to save the day. Sometimes you need a monster.
Please continue to give me feedback as you read it, I'd love to see more of your thoughts and impressions. ^-^
just wondering , maybe you could put the translation of the binary in after it?
6436058 that would defeat the purpose. My editor put that in. And he's a public troll. He likes my story plan enough that he's sure that I'll gain a sizable following, and thus wishes to tease them. They're clues for the story. XD
6436058
6436415
Heheh. Almanac hit the nail on the head with his comment. I put the binary in. Wouldn't go so far As to call me a troll though, I don't want to See anyone mad. However, I do find enjoyment in niggling a person's Curiosity.
With that in mind, I will be Including something in every chapter. Its up to you, the readers, to decipher It. I'll be happy to drop hints on how to decipher it, but after this post I'd take any hints with a grain of salt. I won't out right lie to you, but you may want to think of me as a fae.
Now, as for this hint... Well, not much time as passed since the story came out. So try to figure it out, and have fun!
Cool story.Cant wait for the next chapter!!
I had to stop reading for a second because I felt you should know that it appears you have based a critical story element around a magical child that pisses and vomits luscious plant life. I have more to say about this, and I've liked this from what I've seen, but I will get back to you when I actually manage to come to terms with how the wonders of magical science brought us this child with the magic body fluids.
6561674 erm...actually no. o.o It's just her horn. it happens when she sings. it has absolutely nothing to do with her bodily fluids. o.o That just happened to be coincidence at a time. Also, her power is not by chance, I havent shoehorned in some random super powered filly for "reasons", there is actually an explanation and something much deeper going on, and it's tied to everything else. So yeah...I sincerely hope you WILL continue reading. ^-^ No magical bodily fluids here. lol
6562473
You seem to act as though having an explanation for things is new to story telling... of course I expect you to explain your plot devices. anyway, I'll get back to you when I finish the chapter.
6562899 erm...no. I'm just saying that I've actually thought things out. I've read a few side stories of FoE and many of them were rushed because peoples passions outweighed their planning ability, and thus didn't actually know where they were taking their story. I am merely confirming that yes, I actually have a very big plan for this story, and nothing is just thrown in with no regard or reason.
6562956 I could already tell that just from how you are writing your story. Especially because I am doing the exact same thing.
So I finished your two chapters, and so far you have a grasp of dramatic tension, which is much more than a lot of other FOE writers. Tome has quite a bit of edgy flair, which is good. You certainly use introspection well and have put a lot of work into making Tome likable. I'd like to add "horse-fly" to his list of pegasus derogatories. Like it is a shame he doesn't throw that one around.
On side note, your team seems to consist of Sherlock Holmes, Silent Bob, an angry leprechaun, and "THE HILLS ARE ALIVE, WITH THE SOUND OF MUSIC~" (AKA the pissing, vomiting, wonderchild). Honestly, that's not a bad thing, just a funny way of looking at it.
Your story reminds me a lot of my own, particularly since we both seemed to have the idea of "there are way too many stable pony unicorns bumbling around trying to be beacons of morality in the wasteland, lets get some snarky wasteland earth ponies in there." I get the idea that you are approaching this from similar angles that I am, not saying we are trying to write the same story, but trying to write more intellectual foe stories, so it is nice to see. This is one of the more enjoyable reads I have had in poking around the foe stories.
I can't in good taste leave this without criticism, as compliments don't fill in the holes. You've certainly done a lot to try to show Tome to be really intelligent, but in doing so, you show a lot of the rest of the wasteland to be incredibly stupid by comparison. Right now, there are very few characters that really can match Tome, which makes things less interesting. The wasteland is survival of the fittest, and even less than intelligent people can be clever, so the strong have to learn to defend against that. It would be a real test of ability to have some tit-for-tat battles of wits with a formidable rival. Also, I don't know if this is intentional, but Tome monologues like villain, like somepony should just shoot him. He gets off easy a few too many times. Not to mention, there are things book smarts can't teach you, especially when reading from the text of a civilian culture with laws. Tome talks too much and thinks himself too smart, and since in the wasteland giving away when and where can get you killed, those types of flaws are among the least smart things you can do. From a story stand point, you may want to keep them, as it is a good flaw to offset the benefit of his intellect, I'm just saying let ponies take advantage of it. Flaws are nothing without struggle.
I also don't necessarily agree with his judgement. I'm not talking moral junk, I'm talking logic. He refuses to kill the pegasus witness, letting them get off saying that the head of Slave.inc (not necessarily Red Eye of course) would not pursue very hard. But in keeping large groups under control, you can't let others get away with violating your code and so a lot of leaders punish the things they can very harshly, so that no others get the idea of defying them. On the side of killing the pegasus, it would provide them no witness to ask for descriptions, and even if someone did see Tome, they wouldn't have seen Stranger sniping from a distance. The slave lord can get as angry as he wants, but without a target to pin the blame on, he is out of luck. In the end, ponies die in the wasteland, and if this pegasus is as poorly trained as you depict them to be (which aren't the Enclave a military society? A lot of basic training targets that kind of thing), then the slavers are likely to not have a ton of faith in them.
This is a good story, better than most FOE stories I've seen, so keep on writing. I enjoyed things so far, so don't stop writing. Take my criticism as me taking your story seriously. I would certainly recommend others to try this out.
6563385 thank you so much for the criticism , it's the first legit form I've had that hasn't been littered with bias due to affection towards me as a person, either through friends or those closer than friends.
On a point of one of your criticism's, the reason why Tome didn;t kill the pegasus, is less about the slaver, and more notably towards the Enclave. Tome is a forward thinker that basically..thinks like me. In broad strokes and connections in circumstance. He see's points. He has already identified that obviously the pegasus is enclave, so he has already asked himself 'why is the enclave working with the slaver'. this kind of armour is foreign to him, he knows there is a very small group of pegasus with steam bolt, and has figured that likely, it is a mutual relationship. It is understandable that likely the slaver does not control the pegasus directly, and they are likely recieving orders from the enclave. This is important in his decision to let them him go free. He does not know the armours capability to contact others, which is something he actually asks about in the next chapter that comes up, more than that, he is not aware of the details about said treaty or deal between the slaver and enclave. there are too many unknowns, and to make himself as small a target as possible, with as small a trail as possible is very important to him. There may have been others that watched him leave and then the pegasus to follow him, or there may be a way they can monitor the pegasus in his armour and even track his location. too many unknowns to be causing a stir. so he takes what he believes to be the safest route.
On the note of tomes weakness, I heavily intend to at that point, and actually, his intelligence will be matched at many points. You will find that each member of the group outmatches tome in different areas, even the filly has a surprise about her that I am sure you will enjoy. I fully intend to take advantage of his weaknesses.
Thank you so much for the review of my work, I sincerely hope you recommend it, and I greatly hope you will continue to read it as new chapters are released. :) Thank you.
EDIT: OH! to address your point about things you can't learn from booksmarts...you are 100% correct. except not in Tome Tale's case. Which is something that will be revealed, but is likely, by this message alone, obvious. XD
Hmmm... Promising.
~ Neon Lights
6583024 thank you, I'm glad you think so. ^^
6563414
*chuckles*
You give away too much friend. Let them see the ups, downs, conflicts, and surprises for themselves. Besides secrets are much more fun.
6563385
Do not worry Shenanigans. Tome gets his due.
Fantastic my friend! I haven't been so absorbed in a story like this for so long! ^^ I love your style, and writing flare- it's phenomenal and I can't wait to read more! (I should pace myself though, There's only one other chapter after this one so far! )
I'm excited for the rest of it! Fantastic job, truly!
With how disjointed and quickly cut these sentences are, this paragraph conveys tension in almost an action-movie format of editing (if that makes any sense). However, I feel that such formatting is not very ideal for this situation, since Tome Tale usually takes his time with the narration, as though he were in control at all times.
That line is a little confusing. 'Curious sentence structure for a child.' Perhaps I am missing something here and not seeing something plainly clear, but it broke my immersion.
Oh god. He said that with a 'casual shrug.' What a sadistic jerk! ;) That was a wonderful character moment.
Tome Tale, as intelligent and perceptive as he is, should have probably learned that lesson the first time. Oh well, he at least learns.
I am not sure I completely agree with having this sentence. It is one thing to show you are on top and in control, and it is another distracting thing to show that Tome Tale has a serious case of attention deficit disorder. Perhaps it would have been better to show him getting angry over the hoof at his neck, because it was impairing his ability to talk his way out of the situation.
I absolutely love this exchange. So much said through what was left unsaid.
Not sure if that was intentional putting those phrases together, but I got a laugh out of that.
Lovely consistency.
I cannot help but notice how Buckshot went from appraising Stranger and soaking in the fact he was meeting his childhood hero to immediately treating his idol with disgust. It would seem more probable Buckshot would be hurt and have less composure to confront him. The jump to anger seemed way too quick. Just my stance, though.
All my praise for the previous chapter also carry into this one. You have a wonderful way of developing interactions among characters who are all barely tolerating one another. Especially those between Tome Tale and Sonnet. Those have proven far more entertaining than the one-sided chats between Stranger and Tome. Lucky's presentation is also a great outlet for a different side of Tome, one more scarred and vulnerable.
Not much I could say in the negative aside from those issues above. I certainly do think Tome Tale's nonchalance about staring death in the face is not the best way of presenting his confidence. He can be savvy and supremely arrogant, but he cannot possibly be oblivious to clear threats and the possibility of getting shot on a whim as he was, when Sonnet pulled a gun on him.
Another satisfying chapter, overall!