I'm done for the time being. · 1:55am Apr 23rd, 2022
So, it's been months since my last update. I've worked on a few chapters for HME but yesterday something I've been dreading happened. I had to put my dog down of 17 years. This amount of time isn't common. Saying she was a dog or even family would be an understatement. We've been through a lot of things together. Though, the thing that angers me most is that it wasn't age that took her but cancer. I held out as long as I could and paid for thousands of dollars worth of surgery to remove tumors, as she was too old for chemo. I kept her alive so long as I felt she kept wanting to live. With those surgeries, I got a single year more. However, Wednesday night, she gave me the signs that she was ready to go. I wanted to ignore it, pretend as if I was seeing things or that I was just being paranoid over nothing. She was just sick, she would get better soon.
Deep down I knew that wasn't it. I knew I had a choice to make. To do the right thing, no matter how much it hurt or become what I feared the most, someone who would drag something they love for their own benefit. I promised myself I wouldn't become that, I would pay attention and only keep her alive so long as she wanted to keep going, no matter how bad it got. So, with a heavy heart, I took her in on Thursday 4/21/22. The whole ride there I couldn't think straight, that voice kept trying to convince me to turn back, she was fine and it hurt so bad because I wanted to believe it with all my heart.
Even as I carried her into that room. She was just looking off into nothing. Acting as if she was very tired. She wasn't afraid or in pain but appeared content. I just held her, forcing myself to smile despite the tears. I couldn't be sad right now, I thought, I don't want her to worry about me in the last moment together. The doctor told me Princess would fall asleep in seconds after the sedative, then the other shot would end things. It's strange, the entire time Princess wasn't very aware the whole ride there. Yet, just before the doctor used the sedative, she lifted her head and stared right into my eyes with the clearest gaze I've ever seen from her.
I kept my eyes locked with hers and just told her I loved her and seconds later, she fell asleep. Again the voices wanted me to tell the doctor to wait, that the last glimmer I saw could somehow a sign to keep her but I knew better. I can't wrap my head around how she knew but in some way she did and was accepting it. It was quick and there was no pain. It was like she was asleep. I never cried harder than I did at that moment and I doubt I ever will. Anon's fear of his mortality was a projection of my fear of losing the only thing I loved, knowing I was counting every second, knowing the end was inevitable.
Humans are strange creatures. Logically, I know I did the right thing. More so than many others would and the length I’ve gone vastly greater than most. I was a great dog owner, I gave her the best life, I kept her alive as long as she fought and I ended her when she had no fight left. I fed her nothing but human food for her final year. I supported her back legs when she couldn’t walk due to arthritis.
However, emotionally, I can’t stop beating myself up. I’m stuck on all the stupid small things. The times I punished her for something or other. All the times I didn’t take her out for a walk. Maybe if I took her in sooner they would’ve found the cancer and I could’ve gotten her chemo? Maybe the first surgery I got made it worse and if I had just taken care of it myself the cancer wouldn’t have gotten aggressive? Maybe she would’ve been better if I never owned her?
I guess it’s part of the process. Death isn’t easy, especially if it’s someone you love. The mind tries to rationalize things that don’t make sense to a concept that is a mystery. All I know is that Princess wasn’t in pain when she passed and was ready, that’s all I’ll ever know. All the other things are on me.
I’m tired. I haven’t slept in days and I have no motivation anymore to do anything creative. I just thought I’d let you guys know, as a courtesy. So, yeah. Sorry to just post this out of nowhere but I’m still reeling from everything too. I don’t know when or if I’ll be back but I need time. Goodbye for now, thank you for all the support and I hope things are good for you in the future.
Princess 7/4/2004 - 4/21/22
Hope everything goes well buddy, take care and easy.
I'm so sorry for your loss, I'm not the best with words but, It... pains me to hear something like this. Take as much time as you need, friend.
"It's a terrible day for rain." - Roy Mustang
I'm sorry to hear about your dog.
May she rest in peace. I know that she was happy, and knew she was loved. You have nothing to blame yourself over, and take as much time as you need.
I'm so sorry to hear that. Please, take as much time as you need.
Hey, take as much time off as you need. Losing someone/something you love is always hard and there's no shame in grieving. Make sure to take care of yourself, the stories can always be picked back up at a later date but your health always come first. Take care and take it easy.
I'm sorry you had to go through this I have had I similar thing happen to me, he was an old dog, he got sick and it was too late to help... I don't really want to go into details, but I have felt what you feel especially beating yourself up about the past.
Thinking on it still hurts me even two years later, the months after it happened were the worst but thankfully I had others to comfort me and grieve with me, I hope you have others that can get you through that time like that too.
You did the right thing, you gave her a happy life and you didnt make her suffer on her last few days.
One of my baby kittens died recently, my only regret is that some people were over and they were treating him like a doll, moving him around like he was a toy.
I know it will never compare, your dog was you for 17 years, my kitten was only with me for a week or so (i rescued him alongside his sister) , but what i do know is that if you hadnt put her down, the pain would only get worse and you would regret not giving her the happy farewell all animals deserve. Thats how i feel right now.
Take care...
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Nah bro. It's all good posting this. It's a way to vent and we understand. Take all the time you need to get it all sorted. We will wait
I'm sorry for your loss, take care of yourself <3
My condolences on your loss, and take all the time you need to grieve. Tears for those we loved are never something to be ashamed of.
I'm so sorry to hear that, may god have mercy and I wish you the best, It's never easy in times like these
You have my sympathies, and I hope you get through this soon. It hurts to lose someone close to you but you have people who care about you and wish you well. If you have other stuff going on as well don't be afraid to say it. We can't pray about it or help unless we know.
My condolences and I am sorry you had to go through that. I had to put my 16-year-old cat down last year due to chronic kidney disease. Regardless of how much you loved them, it is sadly something all pet owners must go through eventually. Just always remember the joy they brought you and that you gave them a good life.
Take care. She had a good life, that's the most you could give any dog. You did well and while it hurts to see her go, she was as happy as she could have been
You take care of you first, whether you ever bother writing Pone in future is something to consider when you feel up to it.
You had the guts to be there in her final moments given the choice, even though it was hurting so much. You made it a lot easier for her than it could have been.
It sucks losing a pet. Feels rather unfair that the life expectancy of dogs and cats is so much less than humans.
Привет тебе из России, у меня был кот который прожил со мной 21год но на последних годах его жизни его пришлось отдать из-за того что я потерял дом из-за долгов покойной матери которые перешли мне по наследству, я даже спустя два года помню как в последний раз держал на руках этот меховой шарик, бедняга не понимал что это последний раз когда мы видимся, но я понимал что так будет лучше для него с тех пор моя жизнь пошла под откос и вечная нужда в деньгах и съемные комнаты в коммунальных квартирах не позволили бы мне его держать, я до сих пор жалею что сделал это и это будет всегда отдаваться у меня болью в сердце, я лишь надеюсь что он счастлив или был счастлив в своём последним приюте...
Я понимаю твою боль и возьми столько времени сколько тебе нужно, всё кого мы любим всегда уходят не вовремя.