The Endeavor Within – Author's Notes · 10:34pm Nov 1st, 2021
[laughs nervously] So… now you can get an exclusive behind-the-scenes insight on the creation of this story!
NOTE: Brief notes (yes, I mean it this time!) on the revised version are at the blog post's bottom.
You know, given I thought A New Generation ranged from decent to weak, depending on what factors one prioritises in evaluating it, it sure had proved to have remarkable staying power in my mind in the 38 days since it came out. Much of that, of course, is to do with being in a community that unironically adores and treasures it, and hey, it's infectious. It's gotten to the point where, by now, I largely just focus on those elements in it I like and/or work, and ignore or sideline those I dislike/don't work. Pretty healthy way of being!
For the most part, however, I do not feel it is conducive to writing fanfiction, at least not on nearly the same scale as Friendship Is Magic. Not inherently an issue, there's plenty of great tv shows and films I adore which I have no desire to read or write fanfiction for, some of which are suited to it, many of which are not. Regardless, the film's world-building, in particular, is rather infantile, less a vast continent than a Hundred Acre Wood-sized place just as big as the plot demands, and with the great majority of the lore and societies within existing as they do just to fuel the plot or story setup, and transparently so. When you combine that with many locales short-changing interesting lore or character details for gags (the unicorn superstition, much of everything about Zephyr Heights), it's very hard to get inspired for ideas the way FiM could almost effortlessly.
That said, less conducive is not the same as not conducive at all, and in the area of small character pieces, one can always find material to work with, depending on what interests them. It's not the easiest thing here - the characters are designed for the story, not as everlasting personalities that can support a show the way the Mane 6 were back in the FiM bible. So, at least at this stage of G5, most fanfiction, from myself or otherwise, is likely to still directly relate to the events and aftermath of the film. Or before/during it.
During my rewatches of the film in the weeks after it came out, I found myself thinking about the figurehead leaders of the three pony tribes - Phyllis Cloverleaf, Queen Haven, and Alphabittle. The last of whom doesn't seem to be an official leader (he was as late as March 2020, a blind unicorn sage with a different personality and a different scene in place of the dance game), but regardless, he fulfills the same role as the others. Nothing concrete, just various nuggets of if there could be a story idea for any of them that ties into their old beliefs, and then how they change. The scene at the end of the film where they push back together the broken picture frame has a lot to do with that.
Friendly reminder that I am an animated film ghost more than anything, and it's the mostly-silent moments of key character points like that which tend to stick with me, and inspire me in how I write stories the most (I mean in terms of original fiction, not so much fanfiction, but I digress). Hey, a spirit's gotta know his preferences, no?
Around that time, I became aware of the third Imposing Sovereigns contest, where one picks a character who is a ruler (flexible definition - as long as they're in a position of power over others, they count), one of seven virtues of the soul, and write a story about a character embodying that virtue. Normally, contests tend to just pass me by, but for some reason, this one intrigued me, enough to keep an eye on it and remain vigilant for any potential story ideas.
Then, two of the earliest entries both had Queen Haven as their featured character (Finding a Haven, by SockPuppet, and The Queenly Mask, by spookyalice). I really liked both, easily some of the best G5 fanfiction I've read thus far. The latter in particular is very impressive, coming from a first-time author. If there is a mode the film is good for fanfiction, it's this, little revealing character pieces that get under their skin, dive into their past, reveal what makes them tick, and so on. I felt especially invigorated and inspired. All I needed now was a story. So, no pressure!
I liked those two Haven stories well enough, however, that I consciously decided to stay away from her, for fear of repeating them. I first focused on Alphabittle - while I do feel he's basically two separate characters, a hustling gambler at first, and then a stern but protective tribe leader (this will happen when you upend a character and a scene late in production), the latter, at least, gave me something. Even before the contest, I'd considered a piece with him and Izzy, perhaps on her getting the lantern message (I scrapped this idea once others did their own canon of how she got the lantern, it was too obvious an idea).
The problem was… I didn't have any concrete story content, and none was coming to mind. So, I put Alphabittle on hold and briefly considered Phyllis instead.
It's fair to say Phyllis is probably the least interesting character in the film - she spends all but a very few moments either as a plot device for the Sprout plotline, or as the main spokespony for the distrust and fear propaganda rampant in the film's setup. Hard for a character to make a large lasting impression when they're a hang-on to another and exist to further a plotline rather than to have any individual agency. Haven has the advantage of being linked to her daughters in a way that makes some story ideas write themselves, especially relating to the flight deception. Plus, her flashy love of the spotlight gives her some personality. Alphabittle has the aforementioned two-character issue and only appears in the last quarter, but still makes more of an impression than Phyllis. Small wonder, before this fic was published, that Haven had 13 fics to her name, while Alphabittle and Phyllis had only 4. From all that, the only thing I settled on was, if I did a story about Phyllis, it had to not have Sprout. So it could actually be about her.
Quite how the nugget that planted the story struck me, I can't tell you. But when I was thinking about how different characters know and relate to each other, I realised that, despite Sunny and Phyllis not directly interacting in the whole film (the few moments where they do are part of group scenes where the action moves between several characters), they would have known each other for a long, long while. Not only that, they would have a history - Sunny tried to sabotage Canterlogic presentations in the past, and Phyllis banned Sunny from the premises. Phyllis disapproved of Argyle passing his beliefs onto Sunny, and would have seen Sunny's growth into the mare she became, probably knowing her quite well as a result. Couple that with them having opposing stances, Phyllis being the film's representation of the opposite of Sunny's beliefs, and I couldn't believe it. How had nobody done this yet? The issue with Phyllis' character, mostly. Even so, here was a story crying out to be written.
It wasn't all smooth sailing - the first idea I had, when it was just "a story with Phyllis and Sunny", was a one-chapter fic, set right after the film, of Phyllis approaching Sunny at Argyle's grave. Phyllis admits the wrongs of her ways, sharing facts about Argyle even Sunny didn't know. Then when Phyllis admits that Sunny never lost hope despite all the grief they gave her over the years, she says she actually did, going on to describe how she felt during the film's act II despair scenes. Didn't get any further than that, other than wanting to hint at why Phyllis and Argyle had been at odds and ends without getting too into it.
Boy, am I glad I didn't do that. There's nothing really to it, and a story at Argyle's grave is such a tired cliché already (I had a side option using the photo from the film already instead of the grave as the connecting tissue, but I knew more changes were needed then that).
The true masterstroke, and what saved the story, was one of the aforementioned Haven fics, The Queenly Mask, which had a three-chapter structure with time skips, the first two before the film and the last in its immediate aftermath. This must have settled into me subconsciously, because before you know it, I was writing a detailed outline.
From there, it was mostly smooth sailing, and it came together none too shabbily. After settling on the virtue of Integrity, I found myself fascinated by the notion of a character's morals changing. Or having been given up on, and now having a reason to come back. I knew the notion that Phyllis was once Argyle's friend, and once believed what he did, wouldn't be an easy one to put across and make it feel real. What saved it there was threading a needle between Phyllis turning away from that being a gradual thing over time, and one key incident. Either alone would feel fake, but together, they saved that element.
The more I wrote the outline, the more I found things from the film I could incorporate and use to great effect, and have similar things in both chapters that echoed each and contrasted each other, down to the micro level. More than anything, I was surprised at the characterisation I could wring out of Phyllis. Once I settled on her having a businessmare front, and truly believing what she did, she honestly just wrote herself. Eagle-eyed readers will have noticed that at no point in the first chapter does she ever acknowledge what Sunny is pleading for, not even in her own thoughts - why would she, when she closed herself off to that almost twenty moons ago? Thereby making the first chapter be about Sunny on the surface, but saying a lot about Phyllis through implication.
Another key thing was that I wanted it to be about what being driven by one's beliefs does to oneself, not about the specifics of what the ponies believed. This felt like a richer direction for me.
It was important also to not spell everything out, evident from the start in both chapters starting in the middle of a dialogue scene that doesn't answer the resulting questions, except through implication a short bit later. Leaving out much of the details of what Sunny's damage was at the showcase, the non-essential specifics of Phyllis and Argyle's past, and other bits about the incident on the Zephyr Heights cliffs, Phyllis and Argyle once having the 'hoof to heart' mantra themselves - all intentional, to allow the effect of those things to dominate rather than the details. Keeps the story focused! Especially in the case of the Hoof to Heart thing - I knew the moment where both Sunny and Phyllis say it would be a pivotal, gut-wrenching moment, and to dwell on the historical specifics any longer than necessary thereafter would be poison.
Despite Sprout being intentionally absent, I knew he had to be mentioned and alluded to, given Phyllis is his mother, so the echo between her proud and shameful thoughts in the two chapters did the job there, as well as her acknowledging what to do with him will be tricky going forward. Gets the job done without turning the story into something else. It was a similar deal on Argyle - he's part of the connecting tissue between Sunny and Phyllis here, giving them something to connect over and bond for the future, and that's important. But I never wanted the story to be about him or their relation to him, that would make it a little unfocused. Bring it in the right amount to enrich the proceedings, and leave it at that.
After that, I really just searched for more echoes and contrasts between both chapters, for thematic resonation. There really were so many, it ended up being about double what I'd originally planned. Did you spot that the first chapter takes place in a cramped, oppressive, dimmed office, where Phyllis is imploring Sunny to relinquish hope, while the second is outdoors, with plenty of space, under a beautiful rainbow, bringing the hope back? Well, now you have - cinematography in writing.
More film callbacks as well, of course. And moments of strong characterisation that speak well of a pony. I felt that having Phyllis struggling to admit she was wrong, not because of pride, but because of how she acted to Sunny before, was the key to making her sympathetic despite what she did.
At this point, going any further would just be recounting stuff I'm happy to have done with the story. The evidence is there to see. It's definitely a rough one still - the first chapter is just the right length, but the second feels overlong, especially in Sunny's recollection of when she lost hope from the film. Perhaps there's a way to get the same information across in much less, but I didn't have it. Hopefully, by that point, the reader is so invested in the proceedings they don't mind, and in how Phyllis is registering Sunny's story. And both characters telling the other a story of how they lost hope, had to keep that! The funny thing is, despite the numerous echoes and contrasts between the two chapters, they could honestly stand alone with only the most minimal of tweaks, and almost none for the first one (which, after all, uses our knowledge of what happens in the film to have more resonation to begin with). Beyond that, I'm not sure how well I managed the tone, prose, and Phyllis' voice. Is it consistent, does it feel like her? Or does it just feel like my writing style writing for her? I confess, not finding it effortless to "hear" parts of her dialogue here in her film voice.
But I am really happy with how this one turned out. It's somber at times, but never sad. It comes from an honest place for Phyllis, making us feel for her even before we learn her story. It gives us extra little snippets about Sunny's past, and Phyllis and Argyle, while still leaving much to us, as well it should. Almost everything either feeds directly into the characters or plot, or is extra details to not make it feel too constrained (thank you, Cloudpuff). It concludes on a note that, while mildly bittersweet, is positive and hopeful about the future, showing that even for an older mare like Phyllis, she's still got a chance to do her part. We all need someone like Sunny in our lives - I think ever since she found out Argyle and Phyllis were once friends, she longed to get through to Phyllis just as much as Phyllis tried to get through to Sunny. We should always accept help from others. But we need to let them in first.
Enough for a 8,947-word fic? Yeah, probably! I don't know if I'll write any more fics based on A New Generation anytime soon (if, indeed, at all). But character-building prequel pieces like these, they're something I really dig. Small wonder I wrote one.
Post-Release Revisions
So, the post-release changes. Heh.
If you're curious, the original version can be read here.
The fic really came late enough against the Imposing Sovereigns III contest deadline for me to make substantial changes after it was done. But I was very much aware, even in writing it, that it was overlong. Not Chapter 1, really just Chapter 2. I had done a lot to mitigate this already - Sunny's tale was close to double its published length, so I started right in with the crystals failing, hoping by making her tale about what she was feeling, not what happened, it would be justified. Chapter 2 has a lot of things to tackle even after Sunny accepts Phyllis' apology, and they are vital things - Phyllis' remaining guilt over how she gave up, the Canterlogic path going forward, the second photo and what it represents, and especially the hoof to heart echo - these are every bit as vital as the apology and first photo. But the amount of space given over to Sunny's tale, 1,200 words, just for the end point of Sunny showing Phyllis she understands what it was like to lose hope, and that even though Phyllis feels she doesn't deserve Sunny's sympathy, she's glad she has it - that's a lot of words, especially for material where we already know what happens, even if Phyllis doesn't. Really, I knew this, but I had hoped the ends justified the means.
It only took me a few days to realise this was very wrong. Having the emotional release chapter be 1,600 words, or 44%, longer then the emotional buildup one - that's a structural misfire, and it turned Chapter 2 into the equivalent of a film with an overlong post-climax scene that just keeps going. Of course, the fic was already out. Doing substantial changes wasn't going to fly, and wouldn't be worth it. Thankfully, a substantial fix was easy: cut Sunny's tale, doing only what was necessary to bridge the gap. Though it would mean losing that thematic echo of how Sunny and Phyllis both lost hope, and how they bonded over that, the story would be much stronger were it cut.
Since what to do was obvious, not much to it. I just cut everything from the moment Phyllis smiles at Sunny saying all ponies should be friends, through to her reflecting on what happened at Zephyr Heights, losing close to 1,600 words. Then I took the few things needed from that cut material - Phyllis saying how much of Argyle she sees in Sunny, Sunny looking skyward and thinking about Argyle, and Phyllis squirming while looking at Sprout's vehicle and turning away – and fastened that into the bridging material of nearly 400 words.
Apart from being economical (now the first photo and apology is the chapter's midpoint, not 1/3 the way though, and it's short enough as to end just when it feels to drag soon), I think it came out well, as once I hit on Phyllis gathering herself and reflecting she should have told Sunny last year that Argyle never really left her, it came together. And even without dialogue, the moment of Sunny lingering briefly on her horn before looking above the lighthouse is still super clear as to her wondering what else Argyle knew. The other substantial change I made was removing the first instance of Phyllis noting Sprout's vehicle earlier and her dialogue, so the one instance in the bridging material would be stronger.
I also made a few more tiny prose cuts within the chapter and chapter 1, just the odd word or phrase, and caught some errors I'd missed. Much thanks to hawthornbunny for proofing and editing the fic's revised version - on top of proofing the substantial changes, he caught some instances of unclear or flowery prose, which the final version is stronger for lacking.
I'd like to think that Sunny telling Phyllis her tale of despair, pretty much as it happens in the original version, still happens - just either as a deleted scene, what it actually is. Or perhaps at their first get-together over stories of Argyle in his youth. Even if actually seeing that play out is rightfully redundant, it's nice to imagine they still bond a little over it.
Regardless, very informative experience. I'm not ashamed of the original version, hence making it public here and in the fic's Author's Notes. Curious readers can check out the deleted part, wouldn't want to hide it away. But I am very glad I made this change. Better had it been before the fic went live, yes, but 13 days after release is pretty good. At least future viewers for years to come will get the better experience!
I revised the fic again from Mar 27th-April 3rd 2022, for the Equestria Daily submission. Largely technical cleanup and tightening, but slight additions were made to Phyllis' tale. In Chapter 1, this includes the search party scaling the mountain and finding was what left of the lost pony, and Phyllis being there herself, thus seeing what happened. Both a harrowing image without being direct, and makes her abandonment of her beliefs more believable. In Chapter 2, the correct version she got from Queen Haven now includes the earth pony backing up from the pegasus guard and falling off specifically because of their incorrect fear of other ponies, thus making it more of a gut blow to Phyllis – that their fearful beliefs actively ended this pony, rather than saving him as she always believed they did.
I just realised, on reflection, that providing just a little more detail to that event, while still keeping it minimal, would increase its impact, and deepen the layers. At least, I can't imagine it without that now.
