Alrigh'y, here I go again · 4:10pm Mar 29th, 2021
So, I been having some more ducking problems. This time, it's one that's gonna be harder to fix.
So, I've been having thyroid issues, and have been the entire time I've been on this site, plus more, but that's beside the point. My immune system is attacking my thyroid. As the thyroid is damaged, hormones that are important for the body are not distributed as effectively as they should be. Now, the thyroid affects the gender identification hormones, such as testosterone and estrogen.
You can probably see where this is going.
A while back, I had a couple blog posts talking about feeling trans and whatnot, but back then it was but a stray thought that my tired mind entertained for far too long. Now? Ha, well, it's a feeling. But, I do not, under any circumstances, want to become trans. I just don't know if I'd be happy. Besides I'd be going against over 200 years worth of religion, plus all the stuff in the Bible times.
Now, however, this is not gender dysphoria as someone told me, it is simply body dysphoria. Not feeling comfortable in your own body through any means, be it gender, race, weight, etc., in short. Now, I do have the option to try and get testosterone treatments and stay as a male, but I'm not even sure I want to do that. I'm not comfortable as a guy, I don't know if I'd be comfortable as a girl, and though a lot of gender specific things are made by societal standards, I don't know if I can keep going on the way I am.
Keep in mind, I am not suicidal, and hopefully never will be.
Granted, dysphoria of any kind can lead to depression, which comes with self-harm and/or suicide. So if I sit back and do nothing, I'm putting my own sanity and physical health at risk, but if I do try to change, I'll wonder too often what would have happened if I chose the other choice, which could lead to some depressional qualities.
No matter what I do, I won't be happy, from my perspective. But, even worse, since I'm still growing, I can't get any hormonal help for another TWO YEARS. I can't wait that long... My sanity is on it's last line. The final straw, the thin string. I cannot do this any longer. I will continue to hang around, but just know, my sanity is slowly destroying itself.
Ouch. I wish there was something I could say to make things better, but I know first-hoof that when it comes to health issues it doesn't work like that. I'm not sure what the situation with your thyroid is or whether there's any treatments to stop your immune system from attacking it, but even if there is something the doctors can do, it still seems like you're in a pickle when it comes to the other side of things. That being the problem with your hormones being even more all over the place than they should be for a teenager.
However, you need to remember that nearly every cloud has a silver lining. As somepony looking at this situation from the outside in, I can see that silver lining clear as day. As annoying as it is to wait 2 years for any sort of hormone treatment, it's plenty of time to decide what you actually want to do and decide whether you identify as male, female or whatever else. You're like me - you're still young, and you could change your mind at any point. I can tell it's difficult deciding, since you have your religious beliefs and family traditions to factor in as well, but know that they will help you figure out what's right.
As cheesy as it sounds, you should follow your heart, wherever that leads you, and those who care will support whatever decision you make. You think any of us here on Fimfiction are worried about whether the ponies we interact with on a daily basis are male or female or trans? Sure, there's a few idiots in our fandom who are for no reason, but I'm not worried. Neither is Devonus, or any of your other friends. We're here for you no matter how bad things get. We can deal with these rants, give you advice if you want it, or not, it's up to you. We're happy to share some of the burden, no matter what. Don't forget that.