Will it spoil some vast eternal plan? · 12:04am Jan 16th, 2021
Had a dream this morning where I saw something that looked like this. Words are probably different, but the pattern is right.
Friday 28 Jun 2020
Quiet day, happy day. Sunny, warm in Phoenix.
Brad in hospital again. Feet not healing after surgery. Been in and out all year.
Go to bed that night, Sally Cat cuddled up next to me, purring, happy.
--blink—
Wake up. In hospital. Wires on me, tubes in me, wheah da fukami?
Mayo Clinic? How I get here? What day is today? 4 Aug?
Told sister Jean called me Sunday 30 June. Said I sounded terrible.
Go to urgent care, she says. I did.
Urgent care says go to hospital. I did.
Hospital say lungs congested. Have Covid. Put me on ventilator 3 Jul.
Tell me this 4 Aug. or so. No remember after 28 Jun. All blank.
Very weak. No move for month will do that. Body ravaged. Vision blown again.
Glasses no help. Gone from nearsight to farsight.
Hands shake, can’t read what I write. Can’t think straight.
Where phone? Must call Brad. Let him know. Memorized his number.
What? Brad dead? 7 Jul? Sister sold house? My possessions? My cat?
All gone. Autographed books, game book collection, shelves of hardbacks, all gone.
Costumes Jen made for me years before? Her gift of ST:TNG uniform? All gone.
Amazon T-shirt collection built up over years? All gone.
Autograph collection (all ten of them)? Knick-knacks and bric-a-brac? All gone.
License plates from old cars? My entire past history? All gone.
My computer? My tablet? My phone and watch chargers? All gone.
Where Sally Cat? San Francisco with Brad’s sister? She happy with kids there.
One bit of good news, Sally Cat happy. I’m not.
Adrift, homeless, broken. Go to rehab 16 Aug. At first, can’t get out of bed.
Piss in bottle, wear diapers. Too weak to even sit up. Not good.
Slowly get some strength. Soon can sit up. Clothes and wallet vanish.
Wallet found in laundry. Need to get new ATM card. Old one warped.
Have to get new phone. No make old one. Get new phone. Different.
Fight for days to open door on new phone to get sim card out.
Get numbers, make phone calls. Call Brad’s parents.
Happy I alive, no think I would be. Common consensus.
Ask why life get thrown out. Had no choice, I told.
I do not hate. No strength to. Really wonder why I awake.
Leave rehab 5 Sep. Go to hotel in Phoenix, near where I once lived.
Walk to corner exhaust me. Take taxi to wal-mart to re-outfit.
Left rehab in borrowed clothes and shoes, bag full of pills and papers.
First pair of shoes too small. Hurt feet lots. Get better pair next day.
Leave Phoenix, go to Salt Lake City, live with sister. Get there, no power.
Windstorm day before blew trees over, power disrupted. This happen Tues.
Arrive Wed, black house. Power no back until Sun. Internet back Tues, wire came down.
Get new computer, not best. Does job. Try to rebuild life. No strength.
Strange town, no friends, VA doctors, long bus rides to and fro. Get assistance, v. hard.
Jump through hoops painful. Knees no like, head no like, body no like. Constant pain.
Heart at half power, feet too swollen for shoes and slippers. Always tired.
Sinuses no happy. Altitude? Way high, compared to Phoenix.
Dogs here nice. Slurp me. Not cats. Miss Sally. Miss old life.
Idea this come in dream. Decide to write. Will it help? Damfino.
How I feel? Look up to see bottom. Alone. Lonely. Strange city.
Friends on line good. No one to see, to meet. Isolation like at sea.
This patrol never ends. Why me? Why I have to go through this?
Why am I alive?
…WILL IT SPOIL SOME VAST ETERNAL PLAN!!...
If I found out why I have to live like this?
(channeling Tevye just seemed appropriate)
Opinions, people?
i have talked with you a few times Alden and i knew things were bade ,, but dame to see it all layed out like this is just shocking.
to know just how much life has beat you down in to a hole and taken things from you and at the same time there is only one way from here and that is up.
it is going to be a hard clime but just like purple point you will be different in the end, you will be tempered like a sword in a forge sharper and stronger.
Harts Fire
As I read once, what does a sword think of being forged, drawn, tempered and quenched? Can't enjoy it, right?
Time will tell. Hope I have enough to learn from.
5436895
a sword should be proud, as a simply block of metal is turned in to a elegant tool to be used in war and piece.
to be cared for and loved for decades or even the truly treasured one for melanin.
You live because you have a vast wealth of ideas and information you have yet to share with the world friend. I know I was relieved to hear you were alive, and I'd given up on a few things before I heard you were alive.
You being alive..helped me live.
We are all connected in one way or another...it doens't ALWAYS make sense to us immediately..or sometimes ever..
but there's always a greater wheel turning. We are all but cogs.
If you need to talk I'm always around. :)
Won't give advice because I can't. Can't imagine what you're going through or how much it has to hurt. But I do want to say that at least online, you aren't alone. I'm sure there are many places you're welcome, but I'd like to personally reiterate the Starpub as one of those. You are wanted.
I wont begin to compare anything I've been through, and like I said I don't really know anything. But at least for me, being creative was what got me though. Writing was my outlet and my escape from a life that sometimes didn't feel worth living. Helping others see glimpses of a better world eventually let me see a little of it myself. I kept going at the worst times because I realized I still had a few stories left in me.
Seriously, no idea that it has been that bad in the background. Knew you'd had a long convalescence but had no idea that your whole life had been disposed of while you were in hospital... just sitting here stunned to hear that level of disruption.
Why are you still here? I have no answers that would not sound trite as no words could make up for or change the pain you have survived. I wish that I had the words that could change things but inspiring oration isn't my thing. The simple fact that you are here means that your story has chapters yet to be written and there are those of us out here who, though far away, will be waiting to read those chapters as they are able to be shared... regardless of if they are personal chapters or the fruits of your creative mind.