Techie's SPICY Smokin' Toasted Self-Roasted Reviews #45: [Bloons Tower Defense: Equestria]! · 4:37am Oct 15th, 2020
AKA the story in which the game I used to play constantly ever since elementary school says hi and is subsequently murdered. Yup, we're doin' these again. It's ya boi, Tonkus, back at it again with the SPICY Smokin' Toasted Self-Roasted Reviews! Someone remind me that I'm doing these again if I forget that these reviews exist.
So anyway.
BTD: Equestria's a strange amalgamation that I wrote... holy heck, in 2018?! Man, and as a 200 follower special, too. First of all, things have changed quite a bit since then. Secondly... wow, it took that long to get another hundo? Man. Gotta step up my game. Now then, let's dive into this not-so-garbage-fire-y-garbage fire, shall we?
It wasn't a particularly exciting day for Zecora.
Narration!
There was just one, small, red, rubbery problem to that.
( ͡• ͜ʖ ͡• )( ͡• ͜ʖ ͡• )( ͡• ͜ʖ ͡• )
"My potions and charms!" Zecora exclaimed, chasing after the lone red balloon, "Hand them over at once, lest I bring out the arms!"
Lyra would like an arm. Preferably with a hand attached.
Unless...
Also, gotta love terrible rhymes!
"PINKIE!"
"WHAT?!"
Twilight took a deep breath, pointing a hoof at the mass of balloons currently ransacking Ponyville. "Are those your ballons?"
ballons
ballons.
F in the chat for grumpy cat 🙏
你好我的紫色的马!
I am currently being held hostage by a colorful gathering of balloons and airships. This is fine. Have a nice day! I know I'm not!
-Celestia (小马国的公主)
ah yes, small horse country, of which Celestia is the princess of. Really flexing your limited skills there, buddy.
"Ah, the Equestrians have arrived," Came a voice as the two entered the hut, "we've been expecting you."
"Wait, you can talk?!" Twilight exclaimed as the monkey the voice belonged to stepped out from behind his desk, "MY LIFE IS A LIE."
My thoughts exactly when it turned out BTD 6 had voice acting.
A distinct crash interrupted their conversation.
"The farms!" the monkey exclaimed in horror, "Those b'loons got to the farms!"
Must be some seriously powerful balloons. Then again these things are apparently an existential threat in the games, soooooo...
Twilight and Luna rushed from the hut, hot on the monkey's tail as the three raced towards the flaming remains of the banana farms. A distinctly banana smell wafted through the air as they reached the farms. Here, the smell of bananas was even stronger.
Fwoomp!
Twilight turned her head at Luna, who only chuckled nervously as she struggled to tuck her wings back.
"Shh! The pony lady is trying to talk."
So, horse girl, or horse girl?
"Hi, I'm Craig."
"Shut up, Craig!"
No love for Craig. 😔
Anyhow, back to the story.
Glad to see that my awkward story breaks and transitions have lasted the years.
"..."
"..." the other green balloon agreed, hovering passively underneath the dense forest canopy.
"...!" the first balloon hollered, sending the signal for the balloons to rush.
You see, this is an event where the two balloons are talking to each other, but because they are non-living entities that do not have any means, natural, artificial or otherwise, to create sound without the releasing of the gas that maintains their structure, these balloons therefore must speak silently, that is, without words, or even any physical sound. How is it then that they appear to be able to communicate without issue? In this essay, I will explain how I believe that the balloons in the popular Adobe Flash-based video game franchise "Bloons Tower Defense" by Ninjakiwi are in fact sentient deities of rubber that communicate telepathically, retaining their every thought to only those of their kind. I believe it may be impossible for us to ever know what it is that these rubbery creatures are actually saying, as they are already far beyond our mortal levels of understanding. To begin, I will--
"STOP IT WITH YOUR FREAKIN' BANANAS AND DO SOMETHING!" Craig's voice hollered from the shack.
No love for Craig x2.
"MAH BANANS!"
Somebody toucha his banans.
"We're starting to leak some through the lines!" one monkey yelled, still throwing dart after dart from some Celestia-forbidden pocket dimension that the inventor monkey girl from earlier had been dumping ammo into.
Somewhere out there, somebody's about to find out that their entire stockpile of darts has gone missing.
Craig frowned. "Who's gonna be firing those tack shooters and the cannon, anyway?" he moaned, "Mister I'm Buff And I Can Prove It over there still can probably only handle two of 'em at the most, so what gives?"
No love for Craig times three. 😔😔😔
Anyhow, that's all, folks! This story's D-E-A-D DEAD!
Congrats! I've been treated with a review from techie! Whoo!
Ahh, I missed these
The various implementations of Bloontonium imply that they're radioactive, soooooo....