The Book of Brady: Excerpts From a Forgotten Book of Scripture · 3:08pm Oct 6th, 2020
Found on the riverbanks of the Patomac River, these scriptures were translated by a random homeless dude in DC and will be released to the world in small snippets. The original records were sold off to the National Library in exchange for $200, a Costco coupon book, and a bucket of The Colonel's Extra Spicy Crispy Fried Chicken.
Chapter 1
1. Now behold, I perceive that thou hast had trouble in seeking out a partner; failure doggeth thy footsteps, and loneliness encircleth thee.
2. I cannot claim to know the thoughts of all men; for they see different things in women, but here I shall expose truth unto thee, my son, and reveal how thou shalt succeed in seeking thy eternal companion; for indeed, it is eternal, therefore a judicious nature must be employed in thy search.
3. Perhaps thou wilt say, The breasts or butt are the defining features of a woman; therefore, that is what I shall seek in one. But o, my son, whosoever seeketh these things alone hath great cause to repent.
4. Behold, consider Kim Kardashian, who truly hath tremendous breasts and butt, and many men despise her, and esteem her assets as naught. And behold the great sadistic whore Alinity, who sustaineth herself off the backs of simps, and with a flash of cleavage exerteth great power over them.
5. O, my son, do not lower thy standards and label yourself a simp, and give not thyself unto thots, and cast not thy money at hoes who do trample thy gifts, and turn again and cheat on you.
6. Behold, the container in which a gift is given may be beautiful indeed, but inside is a gift of little value. She is as a sepulchre, whose carved face is indeed marvelous and breathtaking, but inside is rotting bones and foul creatures. Yea, it is as a scarlet velvet ring-box, but inside is a ring of rusted iron and rude graphite.
7. And now perhaps thou shalt say, Surely I shall look for beauty on the inside, and take little thought for the outward appearance, for I truly desire to be a man of God. And now this is wisdom in thee, my son; but wo! It is incomplete.
8. For is there any among you who shall realistically care not for the outward appearance of women? Behold, my son, whosoever saith he does not like these features on a woman is either a liar or a madman.
9. Behold, consider the restaurants of France, and of Italy, and of Spain, whose rich presentation of the dessert is vital to the elegant and sweet taste, above all else in the world. And now behold the common Twinkie, which doth indeed taste sweet, but is cheap and scorned.
10. Yea, a dish may be pleasing to thy taste buds, but the presentation thereof mattereth as much as than the food itself. Which among you shall choose a Big Mac over a filet mignon?
11. So it is in thee; treasure the parts of her body thou findest attractive, for it is how thou shalt express love; whether thou preferrest butt or breast, thighs or midriff, lips or eyes or hair, be thou not unattentive, but seek thee out what thou enjoyest.
12. But behold, my son, do not assume her body is the only one that matters. Thou canst not demand perfection from others when thou are wallowing in depravity.
13. Thy body is a privilege and a stewardship, and poor stewards take no care to their duties. It is irresponsible of thee, my son, to assume thou shalt attract many when thy stench is like unto a fish, and hast clothes of a crackhead, and a fat or thin body unaccustomed to exercise; or thy stance as a limp noodle, and thy disposition moody, proudful, or creepy.
14. Be thou not an eighth-grader, my son; but be grown-ups, mature and caring of others. Be men, firm and strong.
15. Both sexes seek out beauty; and it maketh little sense to seek out beauty in ugly places. Take thou, thenceforth, good care of thy body, and improve thyself through labor, service, and talent. For the power is in you that ye shall improve thyself, and inasmuch as ye shall put forth sweat, thou shalt yield reward.
16. Behold, all work hard to accentuate their features, and seek earnestly for recognition and fulfilment, and what manner of men are ye if ye say I care not to them? Verily I say unto you, farsighted and dismissive men; ugly inside like unto sepulchres.
17. And there are great desserts that are presented poorly, which men art hesitant to approach and art ashamed to enjoy, and poor desserts that are presented greatly, which leadeth men to inevitable disappointment and distrust in true beauty.
18. O my son, do not choose between one or the other, but seek thou out true beauty, which hath the best of both worlds. Seek thou out bubbly, smiling, squishy girls in oversized hoodies and yoga pants. Seek thou out a woman who shall love you back because of who thou hast become.
19. And there are elements to all, both inward and outward beauty, that matter, and I command thee that thou shalt take care of both before thou shalt seek it in others, for how can a weak support hold up the other? Now behold I cannot list all the ways thou shalt take care of thyself, for there are many, and it varieth from person to person.
20. But this much I can tell you; that if ye do not watch yourselves and your thoughts, and your words, and your deeds, and observe the standards of health, and continue in thy path earnestly and patiently, becoming the sort of person you would want to marry, until thou hast finally achieved the victory, thou shalt be single forever. And now, o my son, remember, and be thou not alone.
Praise be unto Celestia