May the muffins be forever in your favour.A thing I need to do is speaking more..... particularly, speaking up. · 8:05pm Sep 21st, 2020
So, first, sorry that this isn't about writing. I know that many here wait for updates on my stories and some recent events make it increasingly difficult to get back into a proper writing schedule, but these updates will come as I am slowly getting things back in order. For now, I need to speak about a few things and say a few things that are important for me to say and, frankly, have always been important to say.
As time went on in the last few years, I realized more and more that I need to change something about my approach. About the way I act in public, about the picture I paint of myself, about the impression I give of myself, how much I talk about myself, the way I present myself in public and about the feelings I give people about me.
Right now, the way people know me is that I'm that easy-going person. That easy-going person that is mostly polite, friendly and patient. That person that can sometimes, in moments when it gets very heated, blow up and get very loud, but is usually calmed back down and put into place rather quickly after being a spitting volcano for a short while and then returns to that easy-going person that is mostly polite, friendly, patient and, most importantly, quiet.
I should not be that person anymore.
On Saturday, I got banned from the PonyFest Online Discord server for making an innocuous comment in public chat that some people took offense to and complained to moderators about. I won't talk about the details of this incident at the moment, as I filed a ban appeal and want to see how the PonyFest staff is handling this situation.
But this ban is something that got me seriously thinking. About something that I should have been seriously thinking about years ago.
Why is this happening to me?
Over the course of the years since joining, I acquired a rather interesting ban history across the brony fandom. I am that infamous (famous?) person who got banned on Equestria Daily, on Derpibooru (countless times), on Bronystate, on Brony Network's Discord server (lifted) and who has been blocked by several brony accounts on Twitter (without interacting with them) and by several pony artists on Deviantart. I also got unceremoniously kicked from the "Legends of Equestria" dev team in 2017 after I was a quest writer there for a little more than a year, which is something I can't go into detail about because all the information related to this event and what led to the kick is confidential.
And I can tell that, in this way or another, word has gone round and people know this about me and that I have gained the widespread reputation of being "that person who gets banned everywhere" in the fandom, even though I barely talked about these bans myself and was mostly quiet about them. And, frankly, being quiet about them might be the entire problem here. Now another ban has been added to this long list as I got unexpectedly banned from the PonyFest Online Discord server.
This is a ban that makes me feel and think strongly right now and that, finally, makes me seriously think about the question: Why is this always happening to me?
I know that I am not a bad person. I can say that for a fact. There have been moments since I came into the fandom when I became genuinely angry about something when there was a reason to get angry, which made the people I interacted with become rightfully scared/intimidated of me because I was giving them the hellish peptalk of their life and freely unleashed my rage on them. I sometimes was overreacting and could have solved certain problematic situations better than with pure rage.
But I also have done other things, I had positive interactions with a good number of people that are remembered fondly by them.
I have talked with a well-known pony author, discussed their writing problems with them and motivated them to continue writing when they wanted to quit and even delete their entire FIMFiction.net account.
I nearly constantly talk with a pony artist who made a reputation for themselves and help them when they have self-doubts and doubts about their art, even if I am ridden by anxieties myself.
I have talked to another pony author here and gave them advice when they were scared and in panic because them and their family/friends got threatened with violence in a physical letter for not continuing and finishing their ponyfics, after someone found out their home address somehow, and managed to calm and soothe them, so they regained the courage to bring back their account and stories and to keep writing ponyfics here.
I stood up for yet another pony author who got bullied off Deviantart by a famous pony artist with exaggerated and wrong claims about them and got them to make another account there and to continue doing what they like and to ignore that insufferable artist in the future.
I am unsure whether or not to mention the names of these people who I helped, as that would undoubtedly drag them into the ongoing conflicts, but if they read this blog entry and recognize themselves in these descriptions, they can speak up and confirm my words if they wish to do so.
And I have had enough pleasant and normal conversations and discussions with people in the fandom that stick in their minds as positive memories of myself, that I cannot list them all here and would have trouble to remember and list them all if I attempted that.
You can say I have as many enemies in this fandom as I have friends in it.
And other than those moments when I had a short temper and let people feel that tenfold, I also know of myself that I am a kind, friendly, patient (perhaps even a bit too much of that?), polite, welcoming, tolerant and helpful person, if the situation warrants it and to people who have earned these traits of mine by being good people themselves.
I also have a strong sense of justice, morals and ethics and I often think intensely about it when I see something going wrong in the fandom or in the world, calling it out in my head with essays and analyzes that would get people to think about a lot of things they normally aren't thinking about if I would write all these thoughts down and publish them here.
And these are things that most people in the fandom, save for those I interacted with during the aforementioned positive conversations, don't know about me, because I barely talked about these interactions and these positive traits and ethical thoughts of mine and was quiet about them. And, as I said above, being quiet might be the entire problem here.
All in all, I can confidently say about myself that I have more good traits than bad ones. I am definitely not a person who deserves to get banned everywhere and who should have such a long ban history. So, why did I get all these bans/blocks then? How could I possibly acquire such a long ban history? Why do I get banned and blocked all the time, everywhere and by everyone?
These are the questions I, for the first time ever, seriously ponder right now.
Not all the bans/blocks I got have happened for deserved reasons. A few of them did, some others have happened because the other person who blocked me from their account was a jerk or because the moderator(s) who have banned me from a site/platform were power-abusive and either had an agenda going on or banned me just because they could and some blocks by individuals on Deviantart or Twitter happened without me even noticing that I got blocked until much later and after I had either barely or zero interaction with the person who blocked me. In very few cases, a block I got happened because of a misunderstanding or was lifted later because the person who blocked me admitted that they were in the wrong and that I didn't deserve to be blocked by them.
Contrary to what the length of my ban history suggests, it was not always me who was at fault for a ban or a block that I received.
I can say that, to name an example, the kick I got from the "Legends of Equestria" dev team has happened for reasons that were justified, as I indeed made a few mistakes that disrupted development of the game and that got me onto the bad side of the team.
In the fifth paragraph, I said that there have been moments when I overreacted and unleashed pure rage on people when something they did made me angry, scaring and intimidating them in the process, and this is something that has contributed to this long ban history that I acquired over the years I've spent here in the fandom. But the comment I made on PonyFest Online's Discord server was not such a moment, it was a polite and calm comment.
There were just about as many undeserved bans/blocks that I received as there were deserved ones.
After this ban from the PonyFest Online Discord server, the way I feel is that nothing that I do or strive for matters. Over the last few years, I have successfully identified aspects of my behavior that were less than ideal and fixed them. I did not stop to speak my mind when I felt that I want or needed to do that or to voice my opinion or stop to express how I feel, and frankly, I don't have to do, because my thoughts and feelings are my own and voicing and expressing them is a right I have just as much as anyone else has it. But I made sure that I voice my thoughts and feelings in friendly, polite and respectful ways. I worked on that. And I know that I am doing that, I know that I am a person who expresses himself in friendly, polite and respectful ways.
I expressed myself in such ways in this comment on the PonyFest Online Discord server as well, but there were people taking offense to my words and complaining to moderators, getting me banned, anyway.
And after this, I feel that it does not matter how polite or friendly I am during interactions with other people or in public. In fact, it does not matter, because it is an approach I am doing and exercising for some years now and nothing has changed because of it. I can still open my mouth and say something and get banned for it, no matter if what I say is actually offensive or not.
I now feel that nothing I do or say is good enough, no matter how polite and friendly I am acting and expressing myself and no matter how much of an unproblematic and easy-going person I am in any given moment. Because no matter what I say or do, I still end up being banned somewhere despite being polite and friendly.
And when I get banned everywhere regardless, then why would I strive to be polite and friendly? When the reward I reap for that stays the same as the reward I reap for raging and shouting at people and scaring them? There is no point to be your best, polite and friendly self if being like that makes no difference and you get ostracized by people and banished anyway and regardless of your efforts.
I was thinking about all that on Saturday and yesterday and I realized that it is true, what I do and say is not good enough. The way I act, the way I approach people and interact with them, is not good enough. I need to become better at this. And, frankly, being polite and friendly is not the way of doing that, it is not the way of becoming better like this and of making the things I do and say become good enough.
I mentioned "being quiet" a lot in this blog entry. When I got banned somewhere or blocked by someone for undeserved reasons, I hardly spoke about it. I also hardly spoke about it if I had positive interactions with people or about the positive traits of mine and the thoughts about different subjects that I have in my head. All of this was a mistake.
It was a mistake not to speak about myself and the way I am and the thoughts I have and, most importantly here, it was a mistake that I did not speak about it if I received a ban or a block that was unjust and happened for the wrong reasons.
As said at the beginning, people have this picture of me, of being that easy-going person that is mostly polite, friendly and patient and that, after spitting volcanic ashes and lava for some time, quickly becomes quiet again when being put into place. And there were people that did put me into place. There have been people that put me into place with blocks and bans when I said something that, while being expressed politely, friendly and respectfully and while it was true and justified to say it and the situation called for that, was a thorn in their eye for some reason. When I said something that was inconvenient to them, something they didn't like to hear about themselves.
And when that happened, I was quiet about it. All I did in turn was either nothing and just, if the ban was not an IP ban, creeping back with a new account eventually, after a long time, hoping they won't ban me again once they notice me, or, running to the moderators who banned me and whining and pleading to them about getting my account unbanned in ways that were nothing short of embarrassing and undignified.
All of that was a mistake and I will not make this mistake anymore.
Word is going round in the fandom how I am "that person who gets banned everywhere". And I can see what effects this has on me and on my existence in the fandom now.
You could argue that the many bans I received and keep receiving is due to the angry reactions I mentioned at the beginning, the pure rage I scared and intimidated people with, that this reputation precedes me and makes the decision to ban or block me easier, because people expect that from me and are scared of me reacting like that again. And while this might play a part in that, the actual reason why I receive so many bans, as I realized now, is a different one.
I am too quiet. If I receive a ban that was not deserved and if a ban appeal of mine that makes clear that my ban was unfair gets outright ignored or if the unfair treatment I received is being denied or even insisted on in a ban appeal response, then I am quiet and I don't call out the unfairness of such a ban, in public, where people can see it, to show that I am being treated unfairly by Person X or by Site Y.
Instead of calling it out and revealing the unfair I treatment I receive by talking about what happens, I am quiet and I creep back with a new account as long as my IP allows for that or I patiently and gullibly wait for a response on a ban appeal of mine that admits that banning me was not fair and tells me that my ban has been lifted, even if months have passed after I sent my appeal and it is clear that the unfairness of my ban will not get acknowledged.
In each such case, I avoided confrontation and calling the unfair party out, because of fear to make it worse for myself, that the little chance I have of ever getting my ban lifted gets ruined, or worse, because of paranoia that made me scared I could get banned on other sites as a result, by the involved moderators talking about me in other places and riling moderators of other platforms and sites up against me or because the moderators of different places are close friends with each other and I get banned on another site as a friendship favor from one mod to another.
But being quiet like this, not attracting any attention in the hopes of not making it worse, has gotten me nowhere and it has caused exactly what I feared, to make it worse.
I am too quiet when a ban I receive is unfair and certain people in the fandom and moderators of platforms and sites all over the fandom know that. By being so quiet after an unfair ban, I am making myself an easy target for abusive people and bullies, and moderators know that I won't fight back if they ban me unfairly and that they can ban me for any minor reason or even for no reason at all because of that, if they want to. Because I will not fight back and I will not drag it into the light of the public if I am being treated unfair with a ban that I did not deserve.
I am too quiet and this is the reason why I get banned so easily and so often. Because I am too quiet and this leads to abuse of my person, by abusive people in the fandom who, unfortunately rightfully so far, think that I will not fight back if they treat me unfairly and just endure their abuse in silence.
From now on, this will change. In the future, if I receive any more bans or blocks that are not fair and if reasoning with the moderators or involved people in a respectful and polite way, with ban appeals and in personal conversations in which I explain my side and make clear why the ban or block was not a fair one, have no success and the ban/block will not get lifted anyway, then I will freely talk about my bad experiences with the staff of a certain site or platform or with certain people that have blocked me in public and also present any proof I have of the unfair treatment.
I do not like doing this, I am not a friend of call-out or cancel culture and the fights that result from all that. I actually hate both. And I would rather have peace with everyone in the fandom and get treated with the same dignity and respect I am treating others with. But, I have frankly no other choice than doing that.
Raging at people and being an aggressive, hostile nuisance, as I still occasionally was some years ago, has gotten me nowhere. And, ironically, being polite and friendly instead has not gotten me anywhere, either. It just delivered the same, terrible results for me.
Years ago, I was too aggressive and I scared people. Now I am too quiet and I give people the opportunity to use me as their doormat. I have reached the other extreme.
Now I need to come into the middle and I am going to do that.
I will still not shout and I will not furiously rage at anyone. Not even if I think they deserve it, because this is not my style anymore. There will be no spitting volcano anymore. I will continue to be polite and friendly.
But I will also not be quiet any longer and not offer myself to get abused by moderators or by certain people in this fandom anymore. There will be cold, chill and freezing gusts of wind from now on. If I receive another unfair ban or block and if reasoning with the ones responsible does not resolve the situation and result in fairness going forward, I will freely talk about the incident in the public light.
I can't tell if I will always be able to do this here on FIMFiction.net and, if I am able to do it here, to which extent and with how many details I can do this here, because there are certain site rules that make calling out a person or group and exposing them for bad actions or bad behavior in a blog entry difficult here, and I am in contact with site moderation right now to get word on what I can do in this regards without violating these rules and risking a ban here, too.
I might have to do it on my Twitter account or on my Tumblr account if the site rules prevent me from doing it here, in which case I will announce that and link the two accounts in a new blog entry, but in the future, I will talk about such ban or block abuse if any more of it happens to me.
I have become a punching bag and a doormat for certain people and moderators in this fandom, because I let them step on me by being too polite, too friendly, too patient and too quiet, and this is something that needs to change, for the sake of my continued existence here in the brony fandom, for the sake of my writing and for the sake of my mental health. And I am going to change that from now on.
You'll hear from me.
Stay easy as a filly!
~ Fluttercheer/CMC_Scootaloo
It's fine. I'll be with you and would never block you.
I can understand your pain indirectly, had made a bad experience on Discord a few months ago
5360567
Thank you.
Multiply the pain of this one experience by thousand and you will know how this situation feels to someone who gets always banned, because all the bullies of an entire fandom think they are an easy prey.
These times are over now.
5360618
You're welcome!
Yeah, I can imagine. Me, wasn't banned, but blocked by the only guy who gave me a reason to be on Discord
5360624
Who is that guy? They already sound like another obsessed bully who I might have to deal with in the future and it can't hurt if I inform myself better about the problem people in the fandom.
5360646
That is a completely stupid block reason. Another case of a person who should not be bestowed with the power of blocking someone, because they aren't mature enough to handle that power the right way.
5360651
Yeah, I still have hope he unblocks me one day
5360660
Do you need him to do that? He does not sound like a pleasant person you'd want to be around when I look at such a monstrously petty block reason.
5360662
Well, we had a friendly chat at the start and a roleplay idea as well as a story idea, so I try to stay optimistic
5360665
I had plenty of people where it started out with friendly chats and that later showed their real faces to me. You should not get your hopes up too high with him, to avoid more disappointment.
5360673
Of course.