Possibly Interesting · 5:21am Aug 25th, 2020
So I was cleaning out my old laptop from about a million years ago, and came across my 'Master File' for Redemption. Basically it's a combination of (very) rough draft versions of the chapters, segments and portions that could potentially go into various chapters, ideas that did/didn't pan out, notes, basic outline garbo, you get the idea. The entire document is about 113 pages long (I think I stopped regularly using it around chapter six or seven, and probably completely around eight or nine), but it was sort of a nice trip down memory lane.
I don't know if anyone is actually interested in viewing the nuts and bolts and blech of my particular writing process, but I figured I'd post it up for those who may potentially be. This is not the document in total, obviously, but some bits and bobs from near the end. It has an alternate, half-formed sort of idea for Chapter 12 that I decided to completely dump, plus some references to the pets I was going to put in but didn't never do.
So if you're, you know, inclined, here you go (or don't go. I try not to judge).
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...Luna reclines comfortably in the wooden beach chair, her back and rump cushioned by the thick, springy white towel spread beneath her. The sun lights the insides of her closed eyelids a bright hue, and she leans her head against the slanted back of her seat, sighing contentedly as the sounds of the beach wash over her like the waves of the nearby ocean. The gentle, rhythmic sound of rollers lapping along the sand, the bright sounds of children laughing as they splash in the surf, the excited barking of a dog, the quiet murmurs of a dozen conversations being held up and down the strand.
The muted sound of fine granules crunching beneath a pair of sandals approaches, coming to a halt a few feet away. “Freshen your drink, miss?”
The blazing heat of the sun cascades across her body, soaking into her coat and warming her hooves, enveloping her in a temperature that’s just a shade below too-hot, leaving her feeling loose and relaxed. Inhaling the tang of the salt, the scent of the water, she idly shifts her tail, the end trailing over the edge of the chair and across the sand. It is a perfect day.
“Miss, your drink?”
Keeping her eyes closed, she turns her head slightly towards the questioner, the low sounds of traffic passing to and fro in the background. “I’m fine, thank you.”
“Miss, where is your drink?”
“Hmm?”
“Your drink? Where is it?”
“It’s in the sand next to me.” She mummers, stretching her hind legs languorously. She’ll take a dip in a little bit, and the cool of the water will feel wonderful against her warm hide, but for right now she just wants to bask in the sunlight, in the happy sounds of people enjoying an afternoon at the beach.
“Where did you leave it?”
The voice is becoming insistent, but she just can’t seem to focus on it. “Mmm…Leave what?”
“Luna, where did you leave [INSERT THING HERE]?”
Opening her eyes, she’s greeted not by the faded denim of a summer sky, but by the white plaster of the living room ceiling. Her back and neck feel uncomfortably hot, and there’s a large, unpleasant damp patch running from her shoulders to her tail. Blinking in confusion, she looks to the side, meeting the blush colored gaze of her older sister. SHE FELL ASLEEP ON THE LEATHER COUCH HA HA.
[ADD A SECTION IN CH.9 – TIA STASIS INCIDENT]
Need some initial buildup and backfill about the girls experimenting more and more with their magics, move from simple levitation to other things (some rough transformation – maybe changing the material of an object or something, inanimate object animation maybe, other forms of object manipulation beyond telekinisis, heating, cooling, ect.).
Stasis incident culminates in Ryan being called out to the canyon or somewhere, either by Luna or Celestia (although Celestia will be the one who does it), finds that she’s placed some animal (rabbit or what ever) into a very deep hibernation, which of course is stasis. Ryan is initially confused and angered, thinking it’s just asleep and has been left with no food or water.
Following his younger daughter out into the yard, Ryan pauses to take in the day. The sun beats down through the achingly clear air, what would be record high temperatures down on the valley floor reduced to comfortableness by the altitude. A light breeze moves gently across the yard, tugging almost playfully at the limbs of the bushes, carrying little puffs of white from the cotton trees.
It is as beautiful a day as one could hope for in the summer, a perfect setting for any number of enjoyable activities. For Ryan, however, the possibilities offered by this gem of a day are wasted. He’s got that feeling again, that tense, jittery stomach sensation one gets when standing too close to a steep drop off. He’s come to associate it with his girls and their abilities. Usually when they start trying new things.
“Luna, what is it?” He looks at her as she stands impatiently a few feet in front of him.
“I can’t tell you Dad,” She responds, her wings unfolding partially. “You just have to come and see.”
He studies her for a moment, taking in the excitement in her eyes, the enthusiastic little half-steps she takes as she tries to hurry him along. The feeling in his midsection grows worse. Sighing, he nods to her and heads for the truck. “I’ll meet you there…” He trails off, watching her as she gallops across the yard, wings fully extended and flapping. With a little hop she’s airborne, looking back over her shoulder at him as she gains altitude and heads towards the canyon.
Suppressing another sigh- he really does that too much- Ryan finishes crossing the distance to the grey Chevy pickup that had replaced his old white and brown Ford, (NEED TO CHECK IF WE EVER ACTUALLY NAMED THE LAST TRUCK)climbing into the cab and starting the engine. Fighting down the anxiety worming its way through his gut, pulling out of the yard and turning right onto the old fence road that leads to the canyon.
He’s made an uneasy sort of peace with what his girls can do, [CHECK THAT THIS FITS WITH THE REST OF THIS CHAPTER AND THE ONE BEFORE IT]but he doesn’t think he’ll ever be truly comfortable with it. There are just too many unknowns involved with this ‘magic’ that they do, too many potential hazards for him to ever really accept it. He finds himself in a constant struggle every time they come up with something new, between wanting to rein them in, wanting to protect them, and the knowledge that he can’t really protect them.
Mulling these thoughts over, he finally reaches the mouth of the canyon, parking across it and killing the engine. Getting out, he takes a deep breath and heads in, spotting a larger white figure standing next to a slightly smaller dark figure at the other end. They seem to be looking at something on the ground between them, and as he approaches he sees what appears to be a medium sized jack rabbit, the black streaked grey of its fur blending slightly with the rocky soil.
TIA STASIS FISH INCIDENT
FIRST DETONATION OF A NUCLEAR DEVICE BY TERRORIST OVERSEAS SOMEWHERE, PORTUGAL OR SOMETHING I DON’T KNOW
NOTICES THAT THEY SEEM TO BE PHYSICALLY AGING SLOWER SINCE STARTED MAGIC
JANUARY, 2039
TEN YEARS LATER [28&30 Y/O] [RYAN 54 Y/O]
COLD WAR TENSIONS VERY HIGH
COUPLE OF INCIDENTS INTERNATIONAL
RYAN IS VERY CONCERNED
MISSILES IN SOUTH AMERICA OR SOME SHIT LIKE THAT?
RYAN BEGINS PLANNING AND BUILDING (OR MORE LIKELY HAVING BUILT) SOME SORT OF SHELTER
NOVEMBER, 2041
TWO YEARS LATER [30&32 Y/O] [RYAN 56 Y/O]
SHELTER IS DONE – BUT NOT STOCKED.
LETS THE GIRLS IN ON THE PLAN
TIA HAS PRETTY MUCH FIGURED OUT THE STASIS THING
BEGINS FINAL PREP
JANUARY 6TH, 2042
MAJOR INCIDENT BETWEEN NATO/COMMIES – INVASION OF SOUTH KOREA, FOLLOWED BY INVASION OF TAWIAN
THEY CATCH SIGHT OF MISSILES FLYING OVERHEAD – EXPAND ON THIS, FAILING NEWS COVERAGE AS THE BOMBS HIT
THIS PART SHOULD BE RATHER FAST PACED
They had been riveted to the breaking news coverage all morning, and Ryan finally had to step outside for some fresh air, his mind a seething tumult of fear, anger, and a slowly growing panic. As he exits the house into the cool January sunshine he wishes, rather intensely, that he still smoked. Or had a can of chew, a flask, anything to help loosen the iron bands he feels squeezing his chest as he looks at the blameless blue winter sky. Taking a deep breath he leans back against the porch railing. They had finally gone and done it, the stupid bastards. They’d picked a full blown war. He’s more worried than he has ever been in his entire life, and, he realizes, a large portion of his anger stems from the fact that he can’t do anything about what is happening. He’s just watched the opening blows of World War III and he’s helpless.
There is a shuffling at the door, and Tia emerges, tears welling in her large, beautiful blush colored eyes. “Dad…dad they’re saying that Seoul…they think there was a nuclear blast in Seoul…dad what do we do?”
Turning, he embraces her, soothing her as she drapes her neck over his shoulder. “Shh, shh it’s ok honey. It’s going to be ok.” Stoking her mane, he doesn’t believe the words. “Maybe it wasn’t a nuke, maybe they got the wrong information. Shh, it’s going to be ok…”
Struggling to keep her composure, Celestia sits down, Ryan kneeling besides her, still comforting her as Luna walks out, the screen door clacking like a gunshot as it closes. Rushing over, she throws herself on his other shoulder, sides shuddering as she takes a hitching breath.
Ryan kneels between his two daughters, simply hugging them. He knows that the end has come, and giving lie to the poet, it will end with a horrific bang instead of a whimper. Holding his girls, breathing in their simple, clean scents, he’s surprisingly calm now, his confused fear and panic of a few moments ago washing away in their embrace, relishing the love he has for them, trying to capture as much of the moment as he can. He has, after all, planned for something like this, and while it’s not going to work out quite like he had hoped it would, his girls will be safe. They won’t like it, and will fight him about it, but there’s only one thing to be done, and only one way to do it. They’re going to be safe.
As the trio sit, a distant roar begins to fill the air, sounding like a jet passing high over head but several registers lower. Breaking the hug and turning, the three see a lone contrail arcing over head, traveling from East to West.
“Is it a plane?” Luna asks, sniffing slightly as she wipes at her eyes with a dusk colored foreleg.
Ryan is about to answer that it probably is, when the sound begins to increase, two more contrails appearing over the horizon, and then three. Within minutes, there are over a dozen, their distant roars multiplied and echoing back from the surrounding mountains like the defiant bellow of a dying beast.
“They’re not planes, honey.” He answers in a husky voice. They’re missiles, most likely from the Bad Lands range outside of Provo, Utah. The three sit, transfixed as the distant white lines pass overhead, many beginning to curve slightly as they change course, spreading out. The deep rumble fades and returns as another group begins to make their way by, marring the sky with grey-white lines of their passing.
TOO LATE TO STOCK SHELTER, RYAN CAN’T USE IT - MAGIC DOESN’T EFFECT HUMANS – NEED TO ALLUDE TO THIS EARLIER
TEARFUL GOOD BYES – FINAL EMBRACE (LIKE WHEN THEY WERE FILLIES)
RYAN GETS CAUGHT BY FALLOUT AFTER DELIVERING FINAL GIFT TO THE GIRLS, SHORT SCENE WHERE HE DIES FROM RAD POISONING WHILE HOLDING A PHOTO OF THEM (IT FELL UNDERNEATH THE COUCH WHILE HE WAS PUTTING THE SCRAP BOOK TOGETHER)
WWIII AND THE FALL OF MAN – SHORT, CONCISE DESCRIPTION OF THIS – TOTAL DESTRUCTION, THE CITIES BURN FOR MONTHS – NUCLEAR WINTER LASTS FOR DECADES - THE LAND IS RAVAGED
The war lasted sixteen hours, far outliving the men and women who had set it into motion. Automated systems linked to seismic, radiological and over-pressure sensors, performed their programming flawlessly, and as the first wave of strikes were still sending tremors throughout the Earth, the death toll stood in the hundreds of millions. City after city was consumed in brilliant, burning light, as the accomplishments of mankind were systematically erased from history, their passing celebrated by the terrible roars and winds of humanities final act.
By the time the last bomb had fallen, the total global population stood at just over three million souls.
~1K YEARS LATER, MAYBE MORE
TWO SISTERS EMERGE FROM STASIS
FIND AIRTIGHT BOX WITH FINAL MESSAGE FROM DAD
SCRAP BOOK WITH PICTURES / CHILDHOOD DRAWINGS – NOTE ONE EMPTY SPOT IN THE MIDDLE (THIS IS WHERE THE PICTURE RYAN DIES WITH WAS SUPPOSED TO GO)
WE DESCRIBE THE WAY THE LAND HAS CHANGED, THE SCARS OF WAR AND ALL RECOGNIZABLE SIGNS OF MAN WORN AWAY BY TIME. MAGIC IS HEAVY ON THE LAND, CAUSING ALL SORTS OF UNEXPECTED CHANGES – POSSIBLY SHIFTING THE LOCAL STELLAR NEIGHBORHOOD INTO A DIFFERENT DIMENSION OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT. STARS AND MOON ARE SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT, ANIMALS ARE DIFFERENT. PROTO EQUESTRIA
PRESENT DAY EQUESTRIA [EPILOUGE]
DADDY PLAYS THE HORN
WE HAVE SOME DISCUSSION ABOUT NMM AND LUNA FEELING LIKE DAD WAS THERE WHEN SHE CAME BACK – MAYBE A DREAM OR SOMETHING – FUNGSHWEY THIS INTO THE STORY IF POSS.
THEY’VE FOUND THE OLD HOME PLACE, BUT ITS GONE. THE CANYON ISN’T, AND THERES A STATUE OF DAD THERE
THEY BRING T.S. AND INTRODUCE HER TO DAD [DADDY PLAYS THE HORN] AND BEGIN TELLING HER HOW IT WAS. THE END.
[EPILOUGE – MODERN DAY EQUESTRIA]
[SEE IF YOU CAN’T WORK IN A SCENE WITH LUNA EMERGING FROM HER BATH AT THE END OF HER DAY, WITH A WISTFUL MEMORY OF HER FATHER BRUSHING HER MANE FROM CHAPTER 5]
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SPECIAL BONUS/ALTERNATE ENDING FOR INTERNET READINGS
*short opening scene, Ryan driving in a convertible with Callie and baby along a beautiful coast road. The car is one that his father always wanted. Notices that the back seat is empty (no girls), feels like something is missing. They pull off at a scenic overlook, he and callie have a short conversation about how he feels something is off (he misses the girls, sort of cryptic response from callie, fade to white)
*open with Ryan waking up in the canyon. Do a bit about him coming to, thoughts about where he is, finds picture missing from album in his pocket (remember he had it when he died), maybe put cryptic rhyme on back (make note of ink/hand writing). Turns around, see’s statue (is very surprised), realizes where he is. Walks to canyon mouth, notices ornate wrought iron gate / decorations, see’s Pegasus guard from behind, begins to make certain connections. Clears his throat, is noticed by guard. They can’t understand each other. Guards are hostile, take him back to Canterlot.
*open with Tia perusing documents while on the throne. Absent exchange with guards that bring ryan in (she doesn’t look up). Ryan address her in english. She replies in English, faltering part way through when she realizes what language she’s speaking. Looks up, is stunned, then hostile (thinks it’s some sort of trick). Short confrontation, then acceptance. (this should be done from multiple viewpoints Tia/Ryan/maybe guard)
***BONE YARD***WHERE THE THINGS GO WHEN THEY DON'T GO***
“But aren’t alicorns myths too?” Tia chimes in, stretching underneath her blankets.
He had debated long with himself about what to tell them and when regarding they’re nature. He would normally have waited until they were older, and to be honest about half the time he thinks that he should have, but considering how quickly they were learning and progressing he had felt it was soon enough to begin telling them some of it. Not everything, not yet, but enough to let them know, in a general way, that they were different from everyone else. Not bad different, just different. Special. It was a delicate process, a fine line that, should he handle things badly, could result in them feeling resentful of the wider world or worse, like there was something wrong with them.
“Alicorns were mythical, Tia,” he responds carefully,”well, people thought they were, and most still do, but…” he trails off a little.
“But we’re here, so couldn’t dragons be real too?”
“Yeah!” Luna adds excitedly, “Maybe there’s someone raising a baby dragon right now!”
Sitting back for a moment, he gives a small shrug. They’ve got him, and right now he just can’t bring himself to try to explain how they can be real, but dragons aren’t. Hell, maybe they’re right, even. After all look at the last four years of his life.
“Well, maybe there is sweetheart. Maybe there is.” Chuckling a little bit at the excited smiles they’re wearing; no doubt imagining a baby Tucker the dragon, he tucks the two former mythical legends in tight, kissing each on her forehead.
“Good night Lunabelle, good night Tia Marie. Love you.”
“Good night Daddy, love you too.” They both reply drowsily.
and retires to his study, mentally reviewing Mondays school work. He had begun teaching them two years prior, and while there had been some awkward fits and starts, he felt he was finally getting the hang of cobbling together a decent lesson plan.
They were extremely intelligent, picking up new words and concepts with almost alarming ease, and he knew that he might be one of the few parents in the world who could say his kids were gifted and not be boasting. While other children the same age might be starting first or second grade, they were both already performing at almost a fifth grade level. He was particularly proud of the fact that, even though the lacked hands, they could write after a fashion, manipulating either pencil or crayon deftly with their mouths. It had been a little disconcerting to watch at first, but after it became apparent that they didn’t find it awkward or uncomfortable, he had encouraged them, giving them simple written assignments and pictures to color.
Taking a seat at the polished and scuffed wooden desk, the same one that his grandfather had done his paperwork at, and that was now occupied by a flat screen monitor and associated peripherals, he pulls the keyboard across the scarred wood and begins typing, pausing to crack open the window and light a cigarette. Exhaling a cloud of blue grey smoke, he continues his work, thinking back over the afternoon with a small grin. The girls really enjoyed that pond, fascinated as always by the small fish moving about in flashing, erratic silver schools.
Printing out a few sheets of notes for tomorrow, he sits back, puffing meditatively on his cigarette. Maybe it was time to get them a pet? All children should have one. It would also present an excellent hands-on opportunity to start teaching them about responsibility, and maybe taking care of a pet will start teaching them some independence. He doesn’t want them to grow up too fast, but there are going to be times when he has to head into town, and they need to be able to take care of themselves while he’s gone. That thought leaves him with a queasy, uneasy feeling, but it’s going to have to happen at some point. Musing quietly to himself as he finishes his cigarette, he rises from his sleek black office chair, giving his back a stretch before heading off to bed.
Luna, did you let the dog back in?”
“Yeah dad, she’s up here with us!”
Nodding his head a little, he bends back to the activity at hand. “Thanks sweetie!” He hollers from his study. He should have figured; it seemed almost physically impossible to separate that dog from his girls. Which is just how it should be, in his opinion.
Sadie, their three year old border collie, had come along after the tragic and untimely deaths of Mr. Bubbles and Chocolate, the girl’s first gold fish (When Ryan had asked Luna why, of all names, she wanted to name her goldfish ‘Chocolate’, she had replied with a seriousness only six year olds and hanging judges can muster, “Because I like chocolate Daddy.”). The two fillies had been heartbroken, until Ryan had found a listing for border collie pups at the local animal shelter. True, the pup had been hesitant around them at first, but by the end of the week he had been tucking her in with the girls when it was bed time.
For their part, Tia and Luna had taken to the pup right away, and Ryan was very pleased with how it had worked out. He often feels guilty that they can’t have normal friends, or more of a normal life, but at least they have him and the dog. That doesn’t make it ok, but it does go a ways towards making it better.
Keeping an ear on the sounds of rough housing drifting down from the upstairs bedroom, he scans the news articles displayed on his monitor; Pakistani Riots Worsen, 32 Dead In Filipino Ferry Crash, Supreme Court Set To Hand Down Landmark Decision on Gay Rights, before clicking one.
NATO MEMBERSHIP EXPANDS AS ACB FLEXES MILITARY MUSCLE
Once thought to be a fading remnant of the Cold War, NATO has experienced a resurgence, with several North African countries and former Soviet states following Saudi Arabia’s lead in applying for membership. This marks the first time in over a decade that membership in the organization has expanded. Many experts point to the formation of the three member Allied Communist Bloc two years ago as the catalyst, citing the brutal civil war that preceded the down fall of the Russian Federation and birth of the New Soviet Republic as a major cause for concern. Admiral George Howards, head chair of the Allied Command, went on record earlier this week……
The Allied Communist Bloc, an alliance between the New Soviet Republic, the Peoples Republic of China, and the Democratic Peoples Republic of Korea. He didn’t know how the South Koreans felt about that last title, being as they were definitely still at odds with the North, but the three, along with their allies abroad (mostly what the U.N. referred to as rouge states) all spelled trouble. It was the type of aggressive, posturing, sword rattling trouble the world couldn’t afford to go through again.
Closing out his browser with a dissatisfied grunt, he grabs a stack of papers, pausing to click on some music. As Bobby Darin begins singing about his love waiting beyond the sea from the expensive Bose speakers, Ryan starts grading the days school work.
He’s going to have to keep pushing Tia on her math, she’s getting lazy about showing her work again. She can do the problems, the issue seems to be that she has no interest in the subject. Musing to himself, he jots down a note to discuss it with her. Luna however, has taken to it with a will, ranging on her own from pre-algebra to algebra and geometry with the same intense focus and fascination she shows for the science lessons. Tia, on the other hand, has developed something of a love affair for history and social studies.
They are quite the complementary pair, he thinks as he finishes up and stands, giving the pull chain on the desk lamp a quick tug. About the only school subjects they seem to equally enjoy are music and art, the latter evidenced by the multitude of drawings that cover the wall beside his desk. He changes them out regularly, storing the old ones in a box between the desk and the wall. Smiling a little as he looks at them, he turns and heads out to the living room, troubled thoughts of the wider world fading from his mind.
[DO LESS TELLING ABOVE, INSTEAD SHOW THROUGH OUT THE STORY THEIR DIFFERENT/COMPLEMENTARY INTERESTS – TIA WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND POLITICAL DEBATES, LUNA WATCHING NATGEO AND THE SCIENCE CHANNEL, SHIT LIKE THAT]
“What are you watching Dad?”
“Football sweetie.”
“Why’d they jump on that man?” Luna asks, trotting over to the couch.
“They wanted to stop him.”
“Why?”
“If he can run with the ball to the other end of the field, his team scores six points.” Ryan responds, offering her the bowl of popcorn resting beside him.
Taking a mouthful and chewing, she watches the game, wincing as wide receiver for the Fourty-Niners takes a particularly hard hit. “Doesn’t it hurt to get jumped on like that?”
“Tackled honey, it’s called being tackled.” He says, taking a pull from his beer.
“Doesn’t it hurt to get tackled like that?”
“Well, sure. Those are pretty big guys. That’s why they wear a helmet and all those pads.”
Gazing at them, he remembers the first time he ever saw the night sky. Really saw it, right here, standing on this porch with his father and grandfather, a small boy from a good sized town. Away from the street lamps and house lights and the sound of down town traffic, it had caught him off guard and left him literally speechless for the first time in his young life. He had never imagined how much you could see when there wasn’t any lights out, and he had sat for hours that night, enraptured with the sight. He remembered thinking that it was like some fantastical flower, unfurling its pedals as the day faded and revealing itself just for him.
Even now, years and years of life later, it still has an effect on him. He remembers bringing the girls out one evening and sharing it with them, smiling at their amazed
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Good stuff. This was a great story you wrote, you did a wonderful job showing and developing the relationship between Ryan and the girls.
Hi there! Thank you for making redemption, it always gives me the feels. Hope you're doing well!
nice