One Foot In Front · 8:39am Aug 2nd, 2020
Maybe you're gonna be the one that saves me.
As my blog frequency is getting close to daily, which is scarily high for me, I intend to go quiet for a little after this one.
There's a lot of change in my life right now. Hell, this whole writing binge has been brought to you by a 10 day vacation I took from work. And I've been loving every second of it.
But the thought comes to the forefront of my mind: Why do I feel like I can only write on vacation? If this is so relaxing and nice for me, why can't I seem to allocate time to writing in my normal life.
See, my goal at the end of the binge of Don't Call Me Cute is to take a similar approach to finishing Office Love. And my hope is that I can pretty much just binge the story and be done with it. and I have no idea how long it'll take to truly finish. And I wont be 100% happy with how it was finished, but i've reached a point where it being finished at all is better than it's current state.
But what happens when I go home?
When I get back into the daily rut of my life, I feel like I need to figure out how I make a change so that I can accommodate the things that make me happy, as well as my more bolder pursuits in music and my career. I really feel a pull right now that I need to "reallocate the pie" so to speak. And I feel like quarantine has really allowed me to do some deeper soul searching regarding all of this.
Music has taken a larger part in my life than pony has. And given the state of the community as of late, I don't know how much more of this I really want to deal with. A part of doing events like Jinglemas, Barcast, and helping out writing discords and cons has always been for me "Leave the fandom in a better place than when you left it".
And recently I feel like it's pretty clear that I don't have the power to change the fandom. Or hell, even change minds. Nor should I, necessarily.
There's a lot of writers out there that can write a whole bunch of different things. And while I do occasionally attempt to expand and grow by pushing boundaries, experimenting with risky topics, or simply "writing the thing I wanna write," -- I feel like I'm more comfortable with the writing I do "best" right now. And that's sort of "Comfort-food" stories. Things that are quick, snappy, and leave the reader with the feeling they expected or a little surprise before they leave the narrative. A sort of "Saturday Morning" One-shot. Sort of thing. While I do write long form stories, I quickly get distracted or lose the thread when it becomes not fun for me anymore, or some better idea grabs my attention all ADHD style.
And in some ways, perhaps that's selling myself short. But in other ways, if I started tomorrow to try and be just like Starscribe or SSnE, I'd lose my mind and just be unhappy. Even if I wrote the coolest 200k word Anon story that rivaled Exchange (love you GMOH) -- would it even matter at this point in the fandom?
So, with all of that in mind, I'm writing this blog as sort of a documentation for myself in my own soul searching of what writing means to me and what this hobby is for me: A hobby. A hobby where I write what I wanna write. And when I begin to write for an audience or for other people, I begin to lose some of that fun. And it's a slippery slope, because I love to do things and favors for other people.
That said, it would also be cool to hit the first page of most followed writers, but that would require 220 new followers and aggressively posting against commissioned clop authors, people with way more established/wholesome platforms than my own, and way better writers than myself.
I hope people are enjoying what I'm writing, because I'm enjoying doing it. And I'll completely admit that I love seeing people speculating in the comments about what will happen next.
And when people are upset at something, It's wonderful to read them and realize how much of a fuck I do not give.
It's just like music. When you put a song together, it's yours. And as long as you're happy with it. That's all that matters. And right now, I'm pretty happy with my poetry. My stories. My songs.
You'll find me alone at midnight
Inside my mind, tryna get things right
I can really empathise with a few things you got going here in my own way and I really hope you're able to find the answers to those questions, as widely-encompassing or as idle as they may feel.
Most of all, I'm glad you're feeling happy with what you're producing. You deserve to be happy, mate.
I don't have anything pithy to say, save that fixing something like a fandom can't be a single person's responsibility. :B So don't feel bad if you can't change anything, so long as you're doing what you know you can.
The vacation was an excellent decision.
I felt you are more happy, activate and, just overall, cheerful. I'm glad you enjoyed the vacation that much :3.
The fandom cannot be change by a single person alone, me, you or anyone else. We all have to deal with the shenanigans that happens with the community, both good and bad. But I will say this:
I appreciated you trying to make this community better. I know it was too much for you to handle, but I salute your efforts my good sir.
Writing, as your hobby, should always be fun for you to write, no matter what.
That's the first rule, never forget that.
Having an audience is good. Seeing others enjoying your content is always remarkable to any writer.
However, it is important to understand this priest:
You need balance between you and your audience.
I know, as you said In this post, that writing for others can make the writing process not fun and you told me that you are a sucker for people that appreciate saying nice things about you and what you do. The fact is: you have an audience and you want them to be satisfied on what you write as long as it doesn't affect, negatively, your fun on the writing process. That's why I feel balance between you and your audience is important.
If you choose one or the other it might not be good for you and people who admire you and your works and that's never a good thing.
I know you conquered and solved many things in your life, especially the... Uh...
taking your own life issue
Now I feel it's time for another challenge in your life priest. Remember what you achieved in the past and tell to yourself: " I will win this challenge."
There's people that will cheer for you on this challenge.
TheGlimMaster is cheering for you my friend :3
I'mma gonna echo Present here. Fixing a fandom, it shouldn't be down to one person, it shouldn't be all of your responsibility. You do you, okay? Just don't worry, be happy.
i'd offer to help you reach that 220 goal but uh... i already follow you XD
You're a monster! A monster!
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