night thoughts · 8:18am Jul 10th, 2020
uonestly, i reaally dont know how to desxcrtibe this. please ignore the typos. just this once, i'd like to write without worrying about tjte little things like that.
what does it mean to be me?
i know this is something that you can;'t really answer, but this is a questyuion that's been on my mingfd akll this time. i have no diary, no way to write my thoughtsat a momenrt's notice. itts either this, or keeping it all bundled within.
i know thiscould maybe just be the sleep-deprived, on-handed typing speaking, but i just want to know if i asdm alone with the see thoiughtas. I've always felt like something set me apart from other people, but all this timer, ivejust pushed that feeling dwmn. every day and night, i lert myself run on autopilot, hardly ever doing anything more than "g0oing with the flow"/.
why ami me? why, out of all the people andsnimals, or even just life in general, am I specifically me? why is it thsaty i don't know any experience beyond what i have myself experienced, when there is so much more tp see anddo and feel out there? why is it that consciousness keeps me rooted to myself? why do i be the figure that i am?
i know thjos is pretty different tdfrom wharty i normally post, but if you're still keeping up, thamnk ou. itrs not tharty i feel nothing, or that I'm unsatisfoied with myself. its always just been a nagging question, and i guess tionnight is the time when it as finally resurafaced.
i feertyl so alive tonight, if thasert is sjhow i hcan describe it. i can feel every breath i take, the keys under my fingers, the soft light of the screen. it could just be the butrnoiuyt thasrty has loiwerred my wassdlls, or it might just be gthatit is finally thattimre again. i don't know, nor do i think will ever know. and i guess that's okY.
i don't expect anyiojge to answer. to be honest, i don't expect anytonew tyi read this, eithrer.
the last time I've really felt this away was probably around when i was ten. my little brtyuiother was ab9iyt to be born, and i had a fear that, for whatever reason, i would ewaske up thenext day starting life all over again in his body, whules me--therel ,3ee, would become a husk of myself, carrying on without a care.
tpo and extent, i feel thaerty, minus the central point of that fear, that feeling has come true.
iat a crossroads, yet i am not. i haven't been this unsure of either myself or the world in so, s0po long.
nrewathe.
in. out, in. out. yes.
i want to be so many things, i want to experience the universe, but i know that cant haoppen.
maybve, when I'm old snmgfd greyk, and my time is finally up, i can be reborn, and choose a new set of paths. maybe i would be an animal, or even a plant, and never quite understand what it means to be. or maybe i becokme someone from long ago, or s9merth9ing that shouldn't ecisrt. wouldn't that be exciting?
i reaalluyy didn't know ow to close this bnlp;log off. all i know is thdayt this night we'll be one i rememnber.
as for now, tomorrpew marks another day out to f many days. ill wake up, attend a meeting, do my homework andgo to bed, just like i wawlways fo.
,maybe even just like it always will ber.
i don't know how long this moment will last, but I'm not afraid of it ending. time moves on, and for now, toexperiemnce all that i csan, all i can do is wait.
and if you're still rreadijng this, thanmnk you. tonght feels like a long night.
I read this entire thing, and that was deep. You ok?
(The grammer physically hurt to read though)
Well, if you weren't you, then you'd be someone else. You could be someone else, of course, but if you were, than you wouldn't be you, and usually being you is something you like, at least on some level. It's comfy and familiar.
--Sweetie Belle
5304949
Yeah, I'm feeling alright. A bit tired still, but I'm fine.
*Blink*
Ya ever heard of Cultist Simulator? Fun game, I get a similar vibe from reading this.
It's that kind of feeling, the one where you stare into the void, the void stares into you, you both nod cordially to each other, and contemplate the universe and existence together. It's strange and it's big and we know it with our heads but when we look with our hearts it's just... vast. Strange and eldritch, beyond all comprehension, let alone understanding. Then the moment passes and the world is made of real again, not the shifting dreamstuff beneath the starry sky.
I love those moments. Can't force them though, that... That wouldn't be right.
5307548
huh.