CCC: cleverpun's Critique Corner #43 — The Heart Beats Still · 5:40am Apr 8th, 2020
I’m continuing my critiques of the entrants into the Imposing Sovereigns II contest. We continue down my list of “finalists”: stories which I considered awarding points to. I would like to stress, however, that I only ranked them because FanOfMostEverything made me; they are all excellent.
I must also point out, I never read the comic involving Princess Amore.
Title: The Heart Beats Still
Author: ArgonMatrix
Found via: That contest what I judged.
Short summary: Princess Amore fights against the umbrum; shadowy creatures with the ability to shift forms. Amore sincerely believes that nopony gets left behind, that everyone can be saved. But in a time of war, such ideals can be a dangerous weakness, to the enemy that knows how to exploit them.
Genre(s): Adventure, Drama, Character Piece
The Title/Description: The title is too vague. It doesn’t really hint at any of the key themes of the story.
The description is too long. It presents a lot of information, but offers no clear hook to the reader.
The Critique:
This story is a classic good versus evil tale; a noble princess with lofty ideals fights some evil shadow monsters. There’s some fight scenes, a daring rescue, a torture scene, some evil possession. But despite this highly traditional setup, there are some wrenches thrown into the formula. Princess Amore is a very idealistic pony, and the umbrum exploit that to its fullest. The story reads as a character piece, as well as a classical adventure , and both aspects work wonderfully. External conflict and internal conflict play off each other all through the plot.
Amore’s own biggest weakness is these ideals, and this idea is played up at just the right moments. Amore not only refuses to leave anypony behind, she is willing to suffer and sacrifice to prevent the suffering of others. An early scene is a retread of the classic “I have to get out of bed so I can help people” trope, but the execution is spot-on, and it clearly displays Amore’s flaws.
Unfortunately, there are some small issues. Amore herself is characterized beautifully and at length. The characters besides Amore, however, get only the bare minimum of characterization. The villains in particular are very generically evil. Even Citrine Star—Amore's subject that gets the most characterization—is still pretty flat.
The pacing of the first chapter is a bit slow for my taste. This may be intentional; the prologue is fairly intense, and it makes sense to wind down a little afterward. But the difference in intensity also highlights the glacial pacing of said chapter.
Finally, the ending is a bit awkward. Yes, it is in-character for Amore to sacrifice things pointlessly, and the story certainly makes that clear. Just because I disagree with what she did, doesn’t make the ending less in-character or appropriate. Perhaps I am just griping because I felt strongly enough for the characters to want them to succeed more, and that is a sign of potent storytelling.
Other than these small quibbles, this is a solid story. Adventurous, yet still focused on its protagonist’s character. The narration has some issues with formality: some sections are more formal than others, without a clear transition or signal as to why. Other than this, the prose is elegant and easy to read, and the conflict gripping.
In a single sentence: A solid adventure story with a wonderfully characterized protagonist and engaging conflict.
Verdict: Upvote. This is a good adventure, with shadow monsters and action. Yet it still takes time to explore its protagonist and her weakness. Aside from the small issues I mentioned above—several of which are highly subjective—this story is eloquently written and engaging.
The worst thing I can say about this is still a compliment; “you made me care so much, the ending made me angry!” That is a mark of great storytelling.
Thanks so much for the review! I'm happy that you enjoyed the story despite its shortcomings, and I'm flattered that it ranked this high among the contest entries. The criticisms are also greatly appreciated—they're always the most valuable kind of feedback.
You're not missing much. It focuses much more on Sombra and Radiant Hope, and Princess Amore barely gets any characterization. The umbrum fare little better, and every other character in the story is original.
The title's actually one of my favourite things about the story, but I can understand it being too vague. That's a problem I run into a lot with my writing. I'm so far on the "show" side of show/tell spectrum that I often don't give the reader enough to understand the message.
The description I can't defend. I've always been bad with them.
This is the main reason I've been considering trying to rewrite this story without the 15,000 word constraint. There's a lot more to these characters in my head, but I wouldn't have been able to fit it all in and still tell a gripping story—or at least I couldn't quite figure out how. My main focus was getting Amore's character just right, so I'm glad I was able to pull that off.
On the villains in particular, the problem is that they straight up are just evil for evil's sake—as depicted in canon, anyway. They're hatred incarnate. That doesn't mean there isn't room for more nuance and depth, and I tried to hint at there being more than surface-level intentions to their actions, but they were definitely a big stumbling point for me. If I do rewrite this, I hope to explore the umbrum in much greater detail.
And as for the ending, I can appreciate that you weren't happy with the way it went—I knew it wouldn't please everyone. That combined with the fact that I was brushing up against the word limit made for a weaker finish than I would have liked, but I still stand by it. It's the only way I could picture things going for Amore, given the situation.
Happy to hear that the prose itself didn't detract too much from the story. I'm often too hard on myself and think that my prose comes out stilted and awkward most of the time, so it's nice knowing that it's mostly just me. You are your own worst critic, after all.
Thank you again for the critique and for judging the contest in general. I really respect and value your opinions, especially given how skilled of an author you are yourself. Keep on keeping on!
P.S. I believe the blog title should be #43, not #33.
5238932 You're very welcome!
Again, I must stress that I only ranked these entries because FOME made me. If I had a complaint about the nature of judging, it was being forced to rank such subjective things. Yes, I did rank this story as "eighth best" in the entire contest. I'm flattered that you are flattered by my ranking. But pigeonholing those twelve "best" stories almost tore my heart—and my hair—out.
Unfortunately, most of the comics are far too rapidly paced for their own good. I stopped reading them because most of them had great ideas and not enough time to develop them into something interesting.
There is a case to be made for the title. It sounds nice, which is an important thing for a title to do. And it does clearly link to/describe the ending; even after Amore has made such a massive sacrifice, both the crystal heart and the metaphorical heart of her kingdom beat still.
There is also a case to be made for the description. It's one of those weird situations in fanfic where the usual familiarity can't be assumed. Because you are working with a character, timeframe, and villain that may not be familiar to your readers, placing some context and backstory is justifiable. Obviously the best case would be to include a hook and this exposition, but I can't think of a clean way to do that while still being digestible and short.
I did notice the contest's constraints at play. But greater focus on a single character definitely created a more powerful story. And as you said, fitting in any more would take quite a few more words.
Ultimately, most of my "criticisms" are very subjective things. Especially the ending; I know, rationally, that what happened makes sense. I only had such a distasteful reaction to it because I wanted to see the characters succeed more than they did. Speaking as an editor, it's a fine ending. But speaking as an audience member, you're a monster for making me feel feelings.
Thanks very much for taking the time to reply to my humble criticisms. Creating dialogue with others is my favorite part about these review blogs. And thank you for the kind words about my own writing. (I've been working on a novel, and I recently reached that 'everything I've ever written is garbage' stage. Sometimes perspective of our successes is just as import as acknowledgment of our flaws.)