What A Week · 5:19am Apr 4th, 2020
This week has been... Well, overwhelming. Not in the way last week was, but more... like with some life stuff.
For starters, my Mom struggling with her technology was a big thing. I'm trying to give her support because she's teaching from home, but I had to do a lot of her work for her and getting told that I wasn't doing it fast enough or not doing it right multiple times by my dad (who was observing and has no clue what her work entails technology wise), was incredibly frustrating.
I'm worried that my mom might be losing it a little with all the pressure with her job and our finances. Like as much as I feel like a prisoner in the house because of my dad and uncle it's gotta be so much worse for her. I mean, I'm not great at dealing with my emotions when it comes to the fights of the men in my house, but at least I'm used to it and I know how to work and deal with it at the same time. She used to be away from the house almost twelve hours a day for work. Mom told me that this is basically her worst nightmare. Damn do I feel for her, although I have to say having her around the house makes me feel a lot safer.
In the realm of personal discovery, I figured out I was asexual this week. I came out to my parents, both of whom were supportive, and some friends. It was a good thing, I think. Explained a lot about why I feel the way I do about a lot of things.
In the vein of pandemic stuff (which we're all going through), my ex husband texted me today saying that "You of all people probably have been training your whole life for this pandemic thing. Staying away from crowds? No problem. Social distancing? Done. Telecommuting? Been doing it for over a year.". I won't lie, he's not wrong. But the funny thing is that now I want to go out and do some stuff. It's not like I wanna go to a concert with a huge crowd or whatever, but I'd like to go to a bookstore and leaf through new books or go and visit my best friend. We had a video call the other day and had some drinks but it just wasn't the same.
My Dad and Uncle are behaving like there is no pandemic, going to see their friends and such. Every time they come back I just want to take a shower because of the chance of exposure. I know the virus is airborne, but my schizophrenia and OCD have teamed up to try and convince me that the shower is perhaps the only place I am safe. If it wasn't for my addiction to my phone and laptop, I doubt I'd leave. They aren't even holding appointments at my clinic in real life anymore. Just phone appointments.
Being at home doesn't bother me much, but not being able to go out if I need to does. I have the knowledge that if shit hits the fan at my house then I am stuck there. The possible safety net of the outside world has fallen away. That is a bitter pill to swallow. I wish it didn't have to be this way.
In other news, there is immense pressure on me in the house at the moment. My house does not have wifi at the moment, so everybody has to use my personal hotspot to get online. All my mom's work is possible because of that hotspot, and me being on here is because of that hotspot. It is... A very intense amount of pressure. My phone's battery is draining so quickly that I can get up at noon and hit 20% by 7PM. It's a big change for how I go about my daily routine, and I'm not handling it well because that also affects the bluetooth connectivity of my AirPods, because they'll cut out at times. I have been forced thus far to switch back to wired headphones, which are constantly getting caught on drawer handles and things outside in the garage. I've dropped my phone many times because of that and had a heart attack every time.
Among all of this, I'm debating some big questions within myself, trying to figure out my future and... just trying to survive. I'm fielding my finances as best I can, but everything is ridiculously strained right now. I'm realizing just how measly my disability check really is. I gave my mom as much money as I could from it and after I paid my bills I only have about five dollars left. I couldn't even afford this gorgeous nightgown and robe set that I wanted for two years (But just found this past month) that was only $24.00 because it's so bad right now. I might not even get anything for my birthday next month if all this keeps up. My family is usually financially strained but this has made it hit ridiculous proportions. I wanted to celebrate my birthday by going out with my best friend to afternoon tea (our birthdays are one day apart), but because of quarantine that isn't happening.
I guess I'm just doing what I've done the past few years of my life. Waiting to see what happens next. That's my week. Thanks for letting me share.
Cloe
Your father and uncle are the problem, and the reason why I'm now on week three of statewide quarantine. You really need to somehow either convince them to obey the rules, or chain them to a chair. However, I def feel for your mom and you, and we're going to get through this! :) I'm just offering support to everyone I know in case quarantine is making them loose their minds. :) Good luck again with your fam.
Also, I'm def supporting you coming out. :)
Best of luck