More News · 12:03am Feb 27th, 2020
Warning: there is some rambling and ranting and general frustrated venting in this as well, so I apologize in advance if my line of thinking is somewhat difficult to follow.
So it's been a while since I did any kind of update of any kind. Just so y'all know, I'm not dead.
However, my stepdad is.
Yep, first my mom, now my stepdad. In exactly 4 months, I have lost both of my primary caregivers. Mom died on October 19, 2019, and my stepfather died February 19, 2020. And just like my mother, he was found dead on the toilet, though not by me this time, as he was in California at the time.
It's a major shock, but...I don't consider it a grieving loss. I hated the man while he was alive.
As a result, both my family and friends are pooling resources and support together to help me figure out where to go from here. I now stand to inherit no less than 3 life insurance policies from their combined deaths, plus I now qualify for Social Security Survivor's Benefits according to my aunt. And because my parents never fully finished moving to Arizona, I can actually move back to my old hometown in California and be surrounded by people and places and stable internet again. In short, I can go back to my true home and I may never have to work a day in my life.
This is good, because I've completely failed at job-searching and general adulting my whole life, and now that both of my oppressors have kicked the bucket, the fear and resentment I was weighed down by thanks to them has been lifted off my shoulders. I can actually get real familial support now without the fear of my parents interfering to undo any progress.
Here comes the part where I start venting about other stuff, so bear with me.
I've also been trying so damn hard to get back into writing lately, but I can't ever motivate myself to get more than a few paragraphs done at a time at best. A single oneshot for my belly button fetish group based on real life relationship goals and experiences is taking forever and a half to work on because I keep running out of motivation and getting distracted by more mindless internet trawling. And drawing from personal experiences usually motivates me more. Maybe a part of me still feels shame about being a navel fetishist due to fetish communities in general having long been stigmatized like every other mental illness community known to man. I do notice that I sometimes avoid rereading any of my fetish fics, both published and unpublished, out of shame for being, well, sexually different. I'm completely asexual and sex-repulsed. I have no interest in using my junk for anything other than pissing, and I don't even like seeing human genitalia of either gender. So the fact that literally the only thing that turns me on in any capacity is the human navel is...well, it's just frustrating. Living under a stigma is not just frustrating, it's debilitating. Especially because I primarily live alone, and both the people I love and care about who are willing to indulge my weird fetishes live far away and can't visit often due to the distance and their busy lives. It's actually physically AND emotionally painful to not have the outlets to express myself like that because (and anyone who reads my navel fetish fics might notice this) indulging in my fetish is literally my equivalent of intimacy, and is heavily reliant on the emotional side over the physical side.
To put it simply, I crave the ability to finger, lick, poke, stab, and generally play with a willing partner's belly button not out of a sexual lust, but out of a desperate desire to have somebody to be emotionally intimate with.
I've said this before, I'm sure, but because of my complete lack of a sex drive, all of my relationship ambitions, as it were, completely revolve around the pure romantic aspect. I don't feel any need or desire for sex, but ever since I hit puberty, I've been saddled with an agonizing hole in my heart that's never been filled. I've been single almost my whole life, and the few relationships I've been in never lasted long enough to get serious. I have pretty much no romantic experience, which is agonizing and frustrating because I cannot even describe to any of you how deeply I feel love for people I care about, both romantically and platonically. Indeed my strong love for people causes a lot of confusing overlap between romantic and platonic because I crave affection and validation that desperately. And recently I've even learned that that no longer just applies to a specific gender anymore. Wanting to be loved as deeply as I do, combined with my asexuality, has led me to realize that anyone of any gender could be a potential partner. I don't care what you are. I don't care what's between your legs. I only care about what's in your heart. I care about how you make me feel as a person. I care about how happy and accepted and wanted you make me feel.
This isn't something I haven't been open about in the past, but I'll say it now: FRIENDSHIP IS NOT ENOUGH FOR ME. IT NEVER HAS BEEN, AND IT NEVER WILL BE.
The reason I say that is because friends can sometimes come and go. You can't always trust them to be there for you because they have their own lives, their own families, and their own priorities and responsibilities to look after, and they may simply not always have time for you. I want to be prioritized. I want to be the center of someone's world just as they're the center of mine. I want to be the most important aspect of someone's life because I've never felt like that even with my own family. I always felt like my mom prioritized other things over me, particularly after my stepdad entered the picture, and that was part of why he and I rarely got along. I just want to be loved, guys. And feeling like it's selfish of me to want that from anyone goes to show how broken and messed up I really am, and I hate it. I hate feeling guilty about wanting anything for myself, whether it be money or attention or affection, because everyone else needs it more than I do. I'm tired of being someone's shoulder to cry on when I don't get to experience what they do. I'm tired of being everybody's best friend. I'm tired of wanting more and then guilt-tripping myself out of it.
More than anything else, I'm tired of being lonely. I'm tired of feeling incomplete and inadequate. I'm tired of not being able to fully express my intense love to anyone, always having to hold myself back out of fear of being rejected. I'm tired of feeling insecure and anxious and depressed and jealous and afraid of everything.
Sigh...I was just going to announce my stepdad's demise and it turned into a massive rant about all the things I've spent years suppressing and hiding from everyone. Sorry, guys, I just needed to get a lot off my chest because I just couldn't hold it in anymore. I said I was writing a navel fetish oneshot, and it's currently at about 1400 words and probably will be a lot longer than that, hence why it's taking so long. I want to write more stuff like this publicly because I want to convince the world and myself that fetishes shouldn't be stigmatized if you have healthy outlets for them. I don't know when I'll finish it, but I'll post it when I am done. Hopefully, I'll eventually be able to fully get back into writing so that I can continue on all my major stories again.
Glad to hear....your all right? I...honestly have no idea who you are, but I feel for you.
(I honestly forgot I followed you, TBH)
As much as I hate saying that I can't give you what you want, I know you'll find someone who can. I wish you the easiest times between, at the least.
from a random stranger to another so you can tell there is little to no bullsh*t
you have my sympathies for all the bad crap you've had to deal with, but am happy for the good stuff happening.
Ever since I graduated highschool in 2017, I very rarely leave the house, because of unemployment and no transportation. I feel like im the lonely person. At least, im assuming you got to hang out with friends outside of school, and have a social life. No joke, I have never had any friends over in my life. Ever. I cant even recall the last time I went out anywhere. Several months ago? It would be nice to have someone to talk to in person. Texting just isn't the same, and with my dad and brother at work all day, Im all alone save for my pet cat and dog. The isolation is driving me to madness. Im already envious of seeing pictures online of my old school friends going out with friends and having fun.
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I didn't, actually. I didn't have many friends growing up either. I know what that kind of isolation is like.
You still have my sympathy (I'm battlecruiser006)
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Also, ever since 2017, I have been in an imaginary relationship with Rainbow Dash. She does allow her belly button to be kissed and stuff, and she has been there to comfort and dry my tears. (sigh) if only she were real
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Imaginary relationships are just that; imaginary. A coping mechanism to deal with and escape from the reality of one's own loneliness. Just like imaginary friends. It's...speaking from personal experience, it's not healthy, especially if you become dependent on such a fantasy to escape reality. I didn't have many friends growing up, so I made up my own. I talked to myself, had conversations with myself in different voices, and was in response ostracized further because of how people saw as that weirdo who talked to his hands. It didn't help that some of my imaginary friends were in reality just me voicing some meaner thoughts I normally kept to myself, and would sometimes be unnecessarily rude and snarky to my few friends who didn't deserve it.
Going out there and talking to people is hard. Willing yourself to leave your own home and seek out real companionship is hard. Making friends and finding worthwhile relationships is HARD. Especially when you're an introvert with depression like me and (I'm assuming) you. But I've had to tell myself this multiple times, so I might as well share this lesson with you.
Go outside. Find something to do. Find a volunteer job. Go to college. Go places where there are some people with whom you may have to spend an extended period of time with.
If that's too much as of yet, write something and post it. Talk to people who review.
Whether in the real world or virtual one, interact.
That's all I can say. And I'm saying it because I've been through what you've been through, and I never want anyone to feel as lonely and helpless as I did and still sometimes do.
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I didn't create a facebook profile til 2018, so hardly any friends i barely talk to. Try to get involved with discussions on pop-culture, like video games, i mention an unpopular opinion and every asshole rips into me, and i struggle to come up with comebacks unlike most people. Tried working off the 300 pounds one time in my highschool gym class, and had an excruciating pain in my chest right in my heart that made me howl. Nightmares about my death, usually from accidents or suicide. Between a job and college, jobs seem more important. College sure as hell wont put food on the table, or pay bills. Plus, those stupid College debts. Money is already tight enough as it is. Im torn between needs and wants. I want to meet people, but making friends ain't feeding me. Speaking of, Are imaginary friends in adulthood a clear sign of lonliness? Is there some deep meaning behind it all? Is this kind of thinking the kind that gets you sent to the insane asylum?? Im overwhelmed right now. I lost my grandparents in 2018, my uncle and 5 year old cousin in January 2019, and my beloved dog last July. Now we got the damn Coronavirus, and financial problems!! My dad is turning 54 this March, and after watching a movie set in the 2040's, he said he'd be gone by then. I estimate i'll pass in the mid to late 21st century. According to Deathdate . com, February 21st 2051. I feel like im ready to snap!!
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I lost both my mom and stepfather in just four months. Before that, over the course of a year I lost my grandmother, two of our beloved cats, and my father very nearly also died from high blood pressure. He's only alive because he went to the hospital in time for them to put it in check. One of my other grandmothers (maternal step-grandmother) suffered a stroke that caused her to develop dementia, and she had to be put in a nursing home. I myself am acquainted with deep personal loss. It's hard to take it all in at once. But the best way to cope with such loss is to reach out to the family and friends you have left.
I only have a Facebook because it was required for a college course. I've never really been one for most forms of social media, which only exacerbates my loneliness. In truth, with only one exception, all my friends started out as fans of mine who I caught making fanart of my stories. Nothing is easy when it comes to making friends, and you never know how it will happen.
The coronavirus is overblown. Not in the way Republicans are painting it, but the common cold and flu is way more widespread and kills far more people every year. (Despite what Rush Limbaugh says, novel coronavirus IS NOT the common cold, but the common cold is a TYPE of coronavirus) It's like the SARS outbreak and the Bird and Swine Flus. They spread, but fear and panic spread even faster. Coronavirus has a comparatively low mortality rate compared to SARS and the flus. Even if you fall ill, you'll likely recover unless you're young, elderly, or have a weak immune system, which is exactly how the flu kills people. Like all pandemics, including the incomparable Black Death, it will ultimately fade with time, and society at large will survive.
Mental illness has been stigmatized for decades, but there's a reason insane asylums don't exist anymore. Imaginary friends in adulthood are indeed a clear sign of loneliness. Is there a deeper meaning behind it? Yes. You're lonely, and you feel like your only true friend is yourself, so you project yourself into outer objects. Mental illness isn't always something you're born with. I didn't always have depression, but it developed as my life continued to suck that much more, reaching its worst point when I was forced to live on an isolated farmstead in Arizona with no internet, no TV, no car, and no freedom. You didn't have the support system back then to deal with the loneliness, and your personal growth was affected as a result. Again, I've been through all that too, and I want you to listen carefully.
Take deep breaths, as many as you need. If you feel the need to cry, cry. If you want to unleash your rage, punch the ever-loving shit out of your pillow. If you need some air, go outside and take a walk around your neighborhood while listening to music. If you worry about your father, give him a hug and tell him that you love him. And if you need to talk, I'll be here.
You are not alone. No one should be alone.
You ARE NOT alone.
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Im an unfriendly neutral when it comes to politics. Reps and dems are both massive cry-babies. The political ads on tv are nothing more than exaggerations or straight-up lies about a person in a propaganda campaign to garner more support for said persons opponent. Plus, im so sick of seeing political ads everywhere!! SHUT UP!!! I DONT FUCKING CARE!!!! And while it certainly isn't the human civilization-destroying Simian flu, (planet of the apes. Awesome movies) I'll be glad once this is put to rest. Do you think there are people with personalities just like Rainbow Dash, or Fluttersy, or Twilight? It would be swell if i ended up with a girl with a tomboyish attitude akin to Rainbow Dash. I however have doubts I'll find someone. I dont go outside much unless its winter or raining. I think its my autism, but i have this unusual fear of buzzing insects. The BZZZZ of their wings. Something as harmless as a house fly has me cover my ears. Nowadays, whenever i get that loud, sudden BZZZZ in my ear, I shake my fist and curse at the little bastard. I recall in the 7th grade going on a field trip to this massive garden. Carpenter bee's. Everywhere. So distraught I cried like a child. I look back at this memory with heavy shame. My mother is walking with a cane, but she's a piece of filth. In the 80's, two of my would-be sisters died in childbirth. In 1997, Im born prematurely. Had a tube down my windpipe to supply oxygen to collapsing lungs. Left a scar on upper lip. Fast-forward to 1998. Dear sweet mommy, in a drunken state, see's me on the floor crying my 2 year old ass off, and kicks me in the stomach. ALMOST KILLING ME. Unfortunately, i didn't find out about this til i was 18. But like a dumbass i was in denial, still loving my bastard mother. My older adopted brother talked sense into me. Yet, I have messaged her on facebook, asking to visit me when im all alone!! So desperate for social interaction I might as well ask to visit Michael myers. Im such an idiot!!
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I generally avoid politics precisely because of how violently partisan and intolerant they've become. Though I identify as a staunch progressive liberal, I do not hesitate to call out the many shortcomings of both parties, since politics, like people, are flawed. But I prefer not to discuss politics in public because I prefer to avoid conflict and confrontation.
When it comes to what you prefer in a potential partner, I guarantee you that the right person won't necessarily be someone who fits into this category. It'll be someone who has such an impact on you that it CHANGES your preference and what you interpret as beautiful. I'm speaking from experience. I used to desire a woman who effectively emulated Applejack. Tall, thin, freckled and blond, with a distinct country twang. But then I met someone else, and over time, my perception of what I identified as beautiful and desirable changed so that they reflected it instead. That's how you know you've found the right person.
The thing about buzzing insects is what we autistic people call "sensory hell". It's when something so agitates our five senses that it becomes physically uncomfortable or even painful. Sound is the most common victim of this. It's completely natural to feel this, and completely understandable that you hate it so much. For me, it's sudden, excessively loud noises in general. For another friend of mine, it's strong smells. You're not alone in this either.
And dear God, your mother is a piece of work. Mine was never physically abusive, but was very effective at emotional manipulation and gaslighting. It's very easy for me to second-guess myself about everything now so that I'm never certain of ANYTHING anymore. Also led to some major trust issues too as a result. You're better off not associating with such a horrible individual.
All in all, I reiterate my previous statement; you are not alone. I'm here if you want to talk. But be sure to try and help yourself too. That too is a lesson I've had to constantly remind myself of.
Sorry for your loss.
I myself have never had a romantic relation to anyone because I have a hard time trusting. Especially after what my brother went through, he tried so hard to find someone to be close to, but every girlfriend he ever had wanted themselves to be the sole focus in his life, every single one telling him nasty lies about his friends so he wouldn't hang out with them, but demanding they put up with their friends no matter how bad they belittled him. But therr is hope, my granddad lost his wife a few years ago, but he has found love again, and thanks he has moved to my city when all my life it took eight hours of driving just to see him. Don't give up.
Hey, I had righters block after my cat passed away, and when I thought I would have to cancel my fic I discovered that replaying the video game I'm crossing over with helped, so I would recomened some Zelda in the future.
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Yeah, being easily distracted kind of works against me in that regard. But in all fairness, I have trust issues as well, but for different reasons. Mostly because of constant gaslighting by dear old Mom. Yeah, I want to be the center of someone's world, but they would be the center of my world too. I want someone to be devoted to, you know? But only if they're equally devoted to me.
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Yeah, the sensory overstimulation is definitely a thing. Styrofoam is the most common source I interact with, though I distinctly remember throwing up due to some scented candles years ago. I used to have that happen with very large crowds too, but at some point it just... stopped being a problem? I suspect my brain finally figured out how to subconciously filter out the noise in those scenarios, as being there still renders my hearing of all but extremely close-range sources (read: standing directly next to me) as nothing more than " Charlie Brown teacher sounds".
I'm just thankful light patterns don't cause any issues, it would really put a damper on my gaming if that were the case.
As for buzzing wings, they don't cause sensory problems, but instead freak me out. Possibly due to Zingers in DKC, or maybe just the fear of the blasted things biting, stinging, spreading disease, or flying into my eyes, mouth, or ears.