State of the Author: Pancakes Edition · 4:29pm Dec 8th, 2019
I’ve not slept well this week.
Sometimes that happens. I’ve had a contentious relationship with sleep for most of my life, and in recent years my children have contributed to that through inheriting the same. Some weeks, we’re all just insomniacs passing in the night. An average week is enough to make one fall asleep in one’s pancakes.
But this week, I’ve been up late working on somemthing that I've come to term "grabbing at third rails.” Of course, the “third rail” metaphor comes from a context where they’re highly charged and will kill you if you touch them. While these are certainly less dramatic, they’re things that have long proven difficult to maintain a hold of. Where I can usually take on a swath of responsibilities and do pretty well by them, there are some things where holding on is actively draining, and even trying to hold on is like pushing through a wall of anxiety.
But I don't want to keep turning back, even if it means going to some places that I very much don’t want to be in, and have historically not stayed in. I don’t want to leave it that way; I’ve never wanted to.
I've just failed a bunch.
I realize that I’m speaking in vagaries. That’s intentional. I’m glad and grateful for the community here, but you guys have plenty of your own stuff going on. And I guess… despite being part of a community where “Friendship is Magic,” and despite having (now sadly distant) friends who I’ve known for all but the first couple years of my life… I've never quite figured out how to open up with people in a way that’s genuine but not overwhelming. I can dial it up to 11, or I can keep it down at 0.
Maybe that’s another rail that I must eventually grab.
But for today, I just wanted to put something out there. My activity level has been erratic of late, and I wanted to let you know that it's not for lack of desire or intent. I've got more fics in the Writeoff pipeline, and plenty of concepts & inspiration yet to be tapped. The one thing I've kind of been keeping on top of is getting the Friendship is Short Shorts group going over on the Writeoff site; check it out if you like.
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*Internet hugs*
Here's hoping the sleep situation's more accommodating for you and yours in the near future.
You need your sleep.
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Thank you, gents.
Sleep has ... been weird for me. Like I'm sleeping normally for me I think but it's not continuous and then I fall asleep in the car at lunch. The last time I did I literally woke up and hissed which ... heck that surprised me more than anything.
Anyway, don't worry too much about going to eleven. By now I'm sure you have at least one or two people who you can go to eleven or possibly twelve with in private. If not well, there's still a life's worth of time to plug away at it. It'll work out and you'll eventually find sleep again too.
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I’ve been able to improve the sleep situation this week courtesy of a mild prescription. I would hate to become dependent on it, but in the short term it’s certainly better than nothing.
And the rest is perhaps improved with additional sleep. It’s amazing how the metaphorical walls close in when you can’t get rest. It’s a classic vicious cycle.