Solitude

For the past month I've been spending a lot of time alone, just sitting in my room with the lights off sometimes drawing, other times just thinking. I think this has been a continual part of my life, going through these periods of loneliness, perhaps that's because I'm just not very good at socializing. As a person who suffers from some extreme social anxiety I do find that I enjoy being a lone but always being alone? I don't know about that... it hurts. I feel as though my body is allergic to what it craves, I would love to just go out and talk to strangers and perhaps even make some friends, yet the thought of that paralyzes me.

I don't think I could say that at the moment I have any friends, the only person I'd consider a friend is upset with me for a very valid reason but honestly I don't feel like there's much I can do... I feel like I'm just gonna end it if it's just gonna become talk sessions about everything wrong with me. I have a lot of problems, I'm messed up in nearly every way imaginable but I don't need people to point them out. Perhaps I am doomed to endure a life of solitude. Perhaps I should just stop trying because it seems as though everything I try is just a path that leads to failure.

I feel very pathetic, I am suffering from my own actions but what can I do about it? Life isn't meant to be lived alone and I can clearly see that, but I don't think I have much of a choice. I'm sorry to everyone who had ever endured a relationship with me, I've just caused a lot of trouble and for seemingly nothing. To those of you out there reading my blogs, perhaps you could give some insight? I think I very well could just give up.