Depression

it's 5 in the morning, I woke up 3 hours ago after passing out the entire afternoon after classes. I missed an assignment that was due at midnight today, oh well.

I'm not sure what's wrong with me, but I always find myself coming back to these extreme lows in my life. Nearly every year without fail since 2015 I've had periods of mental torment. I had always blamed my problems on the abuse from my parents, from my crippling social anxiety, my codependency, and my seemingly inability to belong anywhere. Perhaps it's a mixture of it all that brings me to these points, there are so many ways to break me apart.

I've cut contact with my family last year, I figured it would be best after all the pain and suffering they had caused me. But I find myself wanting to come back and forgive them simply for the sake of having that sense of family again. In my mind the thought of being alone and having that family void within me hurts far more than the abuse of my parents, and I long to be a child who could make their parents proud. I'm too weak, the rest of my siblings were able to move on and forge their own paths in life away from our shitty parents. Yet I find myself here, unable to let go of the past, longing for the very thing that killed me.

I don't think there is anything wrong at this point, if you asked me what was wrong I wouldn't be able to tell you or point out any specific thing. All I can say is I feel broken and empty.

Waking up is always so cruel, those fleeting seconds of bliss and joy before depression comes back in full force.

I have no reason to be depressed, I'm succeeding in life, my education is paid for, I have an almost perfect gpa, I never struggle in classes, and I have a promising future with my research position on campus. This can only mean that the problem is me and not my life.