Accepting that I Have Autism as Told by My Brain · 5:52am Nov 8th, 2019
Hello, FIMfiction. So, in my last blog post, I mentioned that I had tested positive for autism back in 2015 and am only now beginning to accept it. Okay, so I don't know if this could just be an extension of the autism, but I tend to think in movie lines and song lyrics a lot, and I am now going to express what was going on in my head when I began to accept that I have autism.
Yeah, I'm not proud of that, but I actually really hated the fact that I have autism. I'm the oldest of five, and all four of my younger siblings were diagnosed with type I ADHD because they started having problems with certain subjects in school. Up until before I got dismissed, I didn't really have any problems with school, so everyone else, myself included, just assumed that I was the "normal" child. When recent circumstances forced me to accept that I'm not as normal as I thought I was, I was a little angry and confused, and I may have undergone a bit of an identity crisis, which brings me to the next bit.
The circumstances are completely different, and the lyrics don't 100% fit, but the emotions are totally spot-on.
In the process of accepting that I have autism, I started looking up information about autism in girls and women, and I actually related to a lot of their experiences. In fact, one of the songs that I had been listening to at the time I had started doing my research has some lyrics that do a pretty good job describing what having autism as a woman is like.
I'm not the type to fit in, I'm not the type to stand out
I know you wish I'd see it your way
And there's days I wish that I did too
...
I don't wanna show you my face
Cause you'll just wanna change it too
From lips to my eye lids
All you ever wanna do is improve
I'm not the type to speak up, I'm not the type to shut up
I think you think I could be perfect
Just to fit in to your little gear too
...
people seem to like the things that I say
Like we're all messed up, but it's okay
Also, the part right before the chorus is a pretty good description of what goes on inside my head right before a meltdown.
This one is a bit of an odd choice since I normally despise villain songs, but this one was incredibly relatable except for the turning evil part. 
Okay, so last week, I was starting to get used to not being a medical student anymore. Then, my mom mentions that some of my other classmates from my group were also threatened by dismissal but that they were able to get the dean to rule in their favor. She knew this because one of my parents' friends goes to the gym with one of my classmates. I was FURIOUS when I found out. Then, she told me how it happened. Instead of sending the dean a letter within the five-day time limit as outlined in the handbook and as instructed by the assistant dean, my classmates arranged to actually meet face-to-face with the dean and said some things about themselves that may not have been entirely true.
After thinking about it for a bit, I realized something. If my medical career was going to depend on my ability to get in front of the dean and tell him a string of half-truths without sounding like I'm reading off of a teleprompter or getting too emotional, I was going to get dismissed no matter what I did. 
I've always had an incredibly difficult time lying to people, which now that I think about it, might be another extension of the autism. I mean, I've tried but unless I've had time to really plan it out, it's pretty easy to catch me lying. I don't really mind not being able to lie well since I personally hate doing it. Unfortunately, it doesn't come with the ability to tell when people are lying to me. If anything, I seem to have a harder time than most people telling when other people are being deceptive.
Okay, this next bit might be a touch controversial since this is a prolife song, but this song really spoke to me as I was processing my dismissal from medical school and my autism. Look, I don't know anything about what it's like to have an unplanned pregnancy, but if I had to guess, it's probably similar to getting kicked out of medical school because of your autism (along with other terrible decisions relating to it). "My life is over!" "How am I going to live?!" "This was not part of the plan!" "What am I going to do now?!" "Where am I going to get the money to support myself?!" You see where I'm going with this?
I'm just going to close off with the lyrics to the song that really gave me perspective on what I was going through.
Broken turns to beautiful
I see you right before my eyes
And every single breath you breathe
Is destiny love has brought to love
I thought it was my story’s end
But now the future’s all I see
Instead of asking who you might’ve been
I’m wondering who you’re gonna be'Cause I don’t believe in accidents
Miracles, they don’t just happen by chance
As long as my God holds the world in his hands
I know that there’s no such thing as unplanned
There's a lot that's going on in my life right now that's completely out of my hands, the autism being one of them, but I've made the decision to trust whatever God decides to do with it.
Need a shoulder to lean on and or a hug?
5152033
Are you initiating the hug or should I do it?
5152034
I was asking if you wanted on if so...
*hug*
If not... well it's a little late for that
Aw, I'm so sorry. This sounds so hard.
Will you except a hug from me too?
5152079
Sure.
5152143
*hugs*
It's not easy having autism, speaking from experience. But I've grown to accept it as life's gone on. I have faith that you'll be fine.
And on that note, do you want a hug?
5152163
Yep.
Having any kind of autism isn't easy. I still struggle with it sometimes. But as long as you never give up, and have a few great friends to support you in life, you can be very successful with whatever you try to do.
5152167
(Hugs)
Be you. If nobody can't accept who you are then there's no point in pleasing them, you're doing the right thing in letting go. For the longest time I've had to deal with my disability and there were moments I wanted to be 'normal' or what I thought was normal and there were times I played the victim and used my disability to my advantage without really realizing it (Not proud of those moments by the way) In short know how to use your findings and use them for the better and you've already taken that first step. Hope things work out for you no matter what.
Hi!
Fellow girl with autism here. Listen, I know that living with autism isn't easy. Not a lot of people can see things the way you do and any unique mental processes you have probably confuse others. It can be hard sometimes, but you are not alone in this. In fact, I think in movie lines and song lyrics, too. Heck, for me, it emphasizes a particular moment I'm thinking of and allows me to be creative. Why do you think I tend to reference scenes and movies? I know referencing isn't exactly original, but the scenes and lines I choose fit almost always perfectly with what I'm writing.
My point is that autism isn't all that bad. Sure, it can make some areas of life difficult, but there are unique abilities that can enrich your experiences as well as others'.
(I really, REALLY hope I don't sound too preachy or judgemental with what I'm about to say, because I promise that is NOT my intention)
I'm not an expert in psychology by ANY means, but it appears to me that you're going through the stages of grief with the news of your autism. You know: denial, anger, bargain, depression (hopefully not TOO bad, but, I know you musn't be feeling precisely peachy lately, which is totally fine) and acceptance. I read somewhere that those stages don't apply to just loss, but to any shocking event such as this one.
What I'm trying to say with this is that it's both okay, normal, and healthy to feel this way. You're pushing through and doing your best to move on with your life, which is excellent. Like many other commenters have said, this decease isn't easy to live with, but it's not impossible. Trust me, it's far more common that people want to make you believe.
And even if you may not have completely reached acceptance yet, you're going through a normal healing process. And I know you'll find your way through all of this.
I can't really say much else to you that I haven't told you already. But I think I can always remind you that:
1) You're not alone, as you can see in this comments, many of us struggle with this too (again, I'm not medically diagnosed because it's super hard and expensive in my country, but I'm 99% I have some level of autism too)
2) I know God won't let you down in the end, and
3) You know you can always talk to me if you need it. I may not be with you physically, but you have all my moral support and my prayers :)
*Hugs you till you turn purpler than Twilight*
5152367
Yeah, I noticed that also, and thanks for the hug.
Man, I feel for you. I know that it's hard to accept the news that you have a disability and you taking the steps to accept that is a sign of mental strength. Which is a trait I'm sort of envious of.
You know, there's a few people in my school with down syndrome and autism and I've been curious about those disabilities as of late. So I've been researching them. People with higher fuctioning autism are usually extremely intelligent and logical which may explain why you can find so many things in stories that are helpful to the author.
It's nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, people are much more understanding of autism than many other disabilities. It usually doesn't change the way people in your life see you. And if it does, so what? They need to be a bit more open-minded.
Wishing you luck!