Techie's SPICY Smokin' Toasted Self-Roasted Reviews #22: Twilight Finds Herself in Generation 1. · 1:13am Oct 25th, 2019
You know what pain is? Force-feeding yourself MLP Gen 1 for the sole purpose of mocking it in a fanfic!
Yeah, this is where the spirit of I Think I Summoned a Ponk went for a while.
Anyway, let's start because my hands are cold.
Twilight landed with a soft thud on the lush grass. She proceeded to remain motionless on said grass for several minutes, before deciding that she had spent enough time unconscious to make a point in her relatively small drop.
I too like to remain motionless because I want to make myself unconscious for effect.
Would you just shut up, already? I can hear you, y'know.
...
...
In short, the narrator was never heard from again, aside from the note below. Something about not being paid enough to narrate beyond the fourth wall.
Note: From here on, it'll be first-person. Otherwise, give me an immediate raise.
-Mister Sir Narrator Guy Jr. (Definitely doesn't have Morgan Freeman's voice.)
(☞ﾟヮﾟ)☞
Those questions continued to swirl about in my mind as I took to the air, hoping to find any signs of civilization. That 's when I saw it in the corner of my eye: Ponies. They looked rather odd at first, but I just left it with the reason that I was far away, allowing for atmospheric distortion of the image, but as I flew closer to the ponies, I realized that they were, so to say, different.
So different, in fact, that they appear to have more of a resemblance to the horses in the human world, than any modern pony I've ever seen. They were gathered in a small semicircle around what appeared to be a large, red gem. On top of that, they seemed to be singing in worship of said gem. I'm starting to wonder if I really have gone too far into the past, if I'm seeing rituals such as this.
Congrats, you stumbled upon a cult!
Now then, for my next concern; food.
BEANS BEANS THE MAGICAL FOOD--
As the two humans ran off, I decided to check again to see if the ponies were okay. They, in fact, were perfectly fine. I overheard some talks of revenge, but it appeared to be quickly dismissed by other ponies appearing to be a mix between pegasi and breezies. On top of that, I've just noticed a small, wingless dragon with a very interesting resemblance to Spike. He seems to be able to communicate with the ponies, as well.
... I've just realized that I can understand the other ponies. Does that mean that the Equish language has been around longer than recorded history?
*Caveman grunts*
I licked my lips in anticipation, eyeing the donuts with so much focus that I nearly missed another woman enter the room, and chew out the other two, before dragging them out by the ears.
Now was the time. I quickly teleported into the room, and noticing that the donut stack appeared to be self-replenishing, I grabbed as many donuts as possible. Even though I heard what I'd frankly call the strangest singing I've ever heard coming from the next room over, I decided to ignore it, and leave as silently as possible.
I have long-since purged my mind of MLP Gen 1 and I have no recollection of any of this.
The mention of a "Sunstone" got me thinking. I've heard of it a time or two before, in fact, from the Royal Canterlot Archives. It was rumored to be a long-lost artifact, which, in conjunction with the Crystal Heart, was meant to be used to retain a tranquil state of nature in any place that they're used in. To this day, however, the Crystal Heart alone does both the purpose of the supposed Sunstone, and it's own job.
Ok, Indiana Jones.
I'm the narrator in this chapter. I can narrate your sorry plot right back into here if you try.
"Wanna bet?"
Twilight lit her horn, ready to simply teleport out. Little did she know, since neither of us actually know where we are, she wouldn't be able to teleport.
"HEY!"
Not my fault. I haven't left my random inter-universal office for the past three years.
Wao
Unfortunately, Twilight found to her disdain that aside from the typical office-type material and a questionably young guy sitting in a spinning chair, there were no mirrors.
"AGH!" Twilight screamed, lighting her horn once more. A quick volley of shots resulted in a dazed guy sitting in a hole-ridden spinny-chair, complete with a smoking hole blasted through his cubicle.
Wao x2
Next chapter is literally just narration inception.
You know what? I'm tired of slinking around like this. Why watch history... when you can make it? ooh boy, I can already feel the tingling sensation of a great thought coming through...
No! Bad Twilight! No messing with history!
Oh! I could travel back in time and track down the exact moment that the scroll was lost! Heheh... smart girl, me... I just have to travel back a few days, and wait for myself to appear. Then I can carry out my plans to get back.
Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets Twilight meets -- *falls to the floor*
Now, as for this "Plan B". Let's just say that I know a thing or two from Starlight Glimmer about mind control. Let's also assume that I happen to have recently read a book about gene splicing. And maybe my mind is perhaps beginning to crack under the idea of all this.
Perhaps we should just ignore that little bit back there, shall we? Yes, we should. It's gonna be alright, Twilight. These ponies are prehistoric... their moral code is far different from our own... I can experiment a bit... maybe...
An idea flew into my mind as I lay silently on my rock. I could modify my illusion spell, and infiltrate the ranks of those ponies! And from the inside, I could figure out what they might've done to the scroll, and where they've hidden it!
Ooh boy, this'll be fun!
No, bad Twilight! Where's my spray bottle?
This Twilight Sparkle seems to be quite a hardhead. Thrashing, screaming, biting, casting the occasional spell, so on. To my annoyance, she had begun to tickle me through the bag to get me to drop her, so I simply lifted the bag higher, and cast an instant-action sleeping spell on her.
So that handles the problem of two Twilights, and now, I'll bring her back to my lab... I mean, cave.
And maybe I'll do some experimenting.
(⊙_⊙;) ( ͡• ͜ʖ ͡• )
"And what are you?!" she cried out in horror, flailing against the bindings.
I shrugged. "That's what I was about to ask you, Twilight."
"Wait... you know... my name?"
I replied once again with another shrug. "Hey, don't blame me for having the same name as you. I'm Twilight Sparkle."
Twilight has just met Twilight.
"Are you... me?"
Dangit, I thought these ponies were intelligent! "Of course I'm not you, just look at me! How could we possibly be even the slightest hint of being the same pony?!"
idunno.
Anyway I'ma skip ahead some chapters because I'm getting bored and my hands are even colder now and my doggo is whining.
"Hey Megan, wanna go adventuring?!" I beckoned with a hoof, "And you too, deformed ponylike blob!"
"What?" the grill... ugh... girl answered, "You're... you're letting us go?"
Megan is best grill.
Megan shrugged this time. "Home, I guess. I mean, I miss my family, and... and TJ... and--"
"Okay, geez," I deadpanned, "No need to get emotional. I'm literally in an entire different time then my family and friends, and do you see me weeping? Suck it up, girl."
Twilight got dat sass
Sunburst, Sunset Shimmer... Sunbread?
I'm honestly surprised that this exists:
"Your plothole. In my face."
"But it wasn't in your face," protopony whined, "It was on it!"
( ͡• ͜ʖ ͡• )( ͡• ͜ʖ ͡• )( ͡• ͜ʖ ͡• )
I'm assuming that TJ, Megan's horse, is male, based off of the name.
Correct me if I'm wrong.
You were wrong, and you ended up making it weird.
"Alrighty then," I groaned slowly, "Just tell me about your family. Okay, Megan?"
The grill nodded.
...
ThE GIrL NoDDed.
The. GIRL. Nodded.
Cloe senough.
Good job, Tonkus. You get a round of applause for writing such beautiful prose.
It's still funny to me tho
"REBOOTING TWI-LITE SNARKLE!" I shouted at the top of my lungs. I wasn't really a robot (maybe), but it just felt like the right thing to say at the moment.
Ask Sweetie Belle if you wanna act like a robot.
I shrugged. "Oh, I don't know, maybe because the only mention of this so-called family that I've heard from you is the name TJ!"
"Oh, TJ?" Megan replied, "That's my horse."
...
"Your family is a horse."
Her family is a horse.
Oh, I just love messing with these imbeciles.
"So," I finally continued, "Do you like him?"
"Yeah?"
"So you like like him! I ship it!"
"Uh..............."
Cadance is rubbing off on Twilight.
Golly freakin' geez, it's been a while. I kinda lost my drive to work on this story, so let's have a swift ending to the insanity, alright?
And for once, the 'swift ending' wasn't a world-imploding disaster!
"Heeeeeyyyyyy, Twilirino!" Discord chided, "Ready for your return to Equestria?"
"Who's that?" Great-Granny-PudgePile-of-the-same-name-as-I deadpanned, pointing a hoof at the embodiment of Chaos.
Butter Knife Dull Shankerz carries on the tradition of being called the wrong name every single time.
"Discord..." I began, "Are you saying that you--"
"Made you get stuck here on purpose? Ha!" He laughed, "I totally didn't."
I groaned. "Discord," I began slowly, "If you don't bring me back to the present right now, then I'm gonna make sure you'll remain a statue for millenia to come."
"Fine, fine," Discord grumbled, picking me up by the horn, "Well, see y'all!" he waved to the inhabitants of the past, "DISCORD, OUT!"
*poof*
"Now what?"
Floorboards and surferdudes, that's what.
Ok, that's all for now and my fingers are numb. I should put on a jacket.
Hah, jokes on you, I've been asleep for the past 13 hours!
(Note: This comment was made eight and a half hours ago)