PSA: Alienating Friends · 1:22am Oct 3rd, 2019
I want anyone that reads this to stop for a moment and think about the friends they've made. They don't have to have to be friends from just FiMFiction. They can be friends from school, Facebook, an online video game, or work. Those friends undoubtedly hold a special place in your heart, and with good reason. However, there's something that I'd like to take the time to talk about—from a personal place that I believe isn't examined enough.
We take friends for granted. We can push them to their limits and test their love and patience. A good friend will stand by you through thick and thin—that's how the old saying goes anyways. But is it really true?
Well, truth be told, no.
See, everyone has their breaking point. The most common ways I've seen friendships end is drama and flared tempers. I want to focus on the latter because it's the way that I believe most tend to overlook—and it's the one that's cost me the most friends.
Everyones temper is different. Some are slow to burn while others can be set off if someone so much as walks in front of their house. In my life, I've seen many people lose their cool and lash out at people they consider family and demeaning them to the point you'd think they shot their dog.
These outbursts almost never have a good ending because they aren't a one-time thing. They happen due to a variety of reasons. A lack of self-control, no creative output, anger boiling over, and an unwillingness to talk to people about what's bothering them are but a few reasons.
Each of those are a serious issue in of themselves, but to add more than one to a single person can be a dangerous recipe.
Here's the thing: as stated earlier, everyone has their breaking point. When this breaking point is reached, the friendship can—and usually does—become strained. Whether or not we want to admit it, this does happen and it's nobodies fault but the temperamental one's fault.
You may not realize it, but the person you've vented to and likely verbally lashed out at has done everything they can to help; they've gone through the mental stress of making sure they can be there for you and help you through whatever situation is plaguing you. However, as the stress and inability for them to help beyond merely being there for you grows, so too does the aggression one feels when their friend cannot help them.
It's inevitable that one will lash out at the friend on that case, hurting them and alienating them. Now, does this always happen? No, but it's something I see overlooked because alienation is something we tend to overlook. This brings me to the point of this all.
I have a history of doing what's written above. I have a group of friends I've alienated far more than I care to count for reasons that I believe to be solely and squarely on me. This is almost entirely due to my irredeemably bad temper that's cost me more than I can ever hope to recoup.
Yet, in the heat of the moment and in the time afterwords, the aforementioned friends I saw as disposable and nothing more than bricks in a wall. They couldn't help in the moment and as such: they weren't worth their weight in dirt. After all, what's a friend if not someone that should be there for you?
Well, they're much more than just that. The thing is: the irrationality that anger imposes can warp one's perception of what friends should do.
I've personally watched friends argue over the stupidest of things. Be it disagreements on how to manage things, disagreements in a video game, and personalities. These arguments have either nearly ripped apart friendships or outright destroyed them, even if their bond seemed to be as unbreakable as diamond. One argument can at times be all it takes to obliterate everything and render two people as mortal enemies, and for those two friends to hurl the most vitriolic, toxic insults at each other.
I'm generally the middle man in these situations and have had both parties see me as the mediator—and the person they could talk to for venting purposes. This has become the norm and nowadays, many people come to me to vent and to hopefully make peace between the two parties. I had to do this the other day and it took far longer than I'd like to admit. It was also something that weighed so heavily on my mind that more than once, I nearly gave up and blocked both parties to hopefully force their hands into talking to make peace.
Naturally, I didn't because I've done all I can to better my temper. But this, hopefully, gives an idea to what I referenced early on.
Everyone has a breaking point.
One of those aforementioned parties has called me his best friend. The other considers me a friend. Both I believe to be great men who are better than they may give themselves credit for. However, in instances of great stress, the best of friends can impose the worst of stress due to problems that are easily fixable. What gets in the way of those fixes are more deeply tied to the flaws of the one with the problem/problems, but to explain that to the offending party is difficult.
Trying to explain to someone who's angry is nearly impossible. You run the risk of upsetting them even more and that can plunge them into a dark place where they can easily become depressed. While some may think that tough love is the best course of action, everyone is different. What works for one person won't work for everyone. When emotions run high, telling someone they're at fault is like telling a rabid dog to stop it. Unless you have a death wish, it's best to do all you can to get away, or if you're ballsy: try to sedate the dog.
Against what seemed like all odds, I managed to fix the problem between those two individuals—though I had help in regards to one of the parties. The other one I had to break down slightly. Nevertheless, I hope this serves as a lesson to some people.
Don't take your friends for granted when it comes to how you vent to them or use them as an outlet for your stress and problems.
But what do I do when I feel angry? Who do I go to?
Personally, I believe if it's a recurring problem that you should confront it. If you can't, like if it's an abusive parent, then you should take up an artistic hobby and use that anger as inspiration, especially if no one can help you with the situation. That's also a point when people on the internet aren't going to be capable of helping to the degree that a professional can.
That, however, is an entirely different topic and one that's a lot more touchy. My point is this: understand that your internet friends can only handle and do so much. Don't treat them as you would a therapist. Venting is one thing. Dumping your every problem onto them is another.
And when those problems lead to you losing your temper and lashing out, don't be surprised when you end up losing a friend in the process. I'd know this firsthand. The feeling of losing an entire group of friends because you told them you'd see them all in Hell is…
Well, it's a feeling that's akin to losing your dog.
Thanks for sharing this.
Very well said, Vert. Very well said.
I alienate a lot of friends with my strident politics.
What timing for me to see this post.
I know this personally
Hey, Vert, been awhile since we last talked. Came here to say hi & check up on you. I know how it feels with your blog. I myself have not always been a good friend, and it's costed me. Hopefully, you're doing better than since we last spoke.