Techie's SPICY Smokin' Toasted Self-Roasted Reviews #2: [Of all things...]! · 7:05am Sep 30th, 2019
Another? Already? Guess so. I hope you've got your seatbelts on kids, 'cause we're in for a hecuva wild ride with this fic!
I like how I decided to just tack on [and painfully] at the end there in the short description. Really helps with the screeches of "LOOK I'M A COOL DUDE WITH DARK THEMES IN HIS STORIES RIGHT???" in these early stories.
Also, yup, this is the same Sammy boio that was in the first fic I covered not too long ago. Let's take a look at what cringy mess he's gotten into this time around:
Sammy was having a good day. He didn't have to shield any explosions, deal with haters, or anything of the sort. And then, a pony shows up in his basement. He never expected the pony in question to be Princess Twilight Sparkle, and she's in grave danger...
Wait, hold up, did I read my own long description correctly?
deal with haters
Once again, and I repeat from the previous post, oh boy, I was one of those authors back then, wasn't I?
I do distinctly remember that I essentially used Sammy as a self-insert character in both this and the previous story. Sooooooo... yeah. Best part is, we haven't even started on the first chapter yet! Let's begin then.
Oh.
Oh boy.
Starting things off in first-person to make the already kinda obvious projection of myself four years ago even more obvious, Sammy goes on a little tangent that may or may not actually be an old power fantasy move of mine. Though, opening interdimensional rifts to change the world isn't really much of a power fantasy anymore for me these days.
but a PONY, of all things!!!
Roll the credits, we've just hit the title line!
"Uh... what the BUCK happened?!"
I used quotation marks! This calls for a party! Pinkie? Pinki-- *keyboard clattering noises*
I walked up to her, and said calmly, "Hi, my name's Sammy Gearings. Sorry if I might've just pulled you out of your universe."
Again, Sammy boy here seems to have a problem of extremely forced, awkward introductions that may as well have been provided by a teleprompter.
Twilight. Twilight Sparkle, princess of friendship. but seriously, of all things, why ME?!
I see two capitalization errors and another title line. I guess that wraps up the nonexistent sequel!
I came up with a theory. "Maybe, it's because this machine somehow didn't just take you from your universe, but it actually took you and a PIECE of your universe with you! Or maybe... huh, my head hurts."
This story makes my head hurt.
At her mention of that, I froze. If the way it's somehow mulled off would normally lead to self-destruction, then it would be practically impossible for non-quantum computers to do anything more than maybe control some basic levitation mechanics. And even then, the current quantum technology is definitely insufficient to really even simulate any of that. The machine that I accidentally pulled Twilight through was powered by the single, most powerful object I've ever found, but the sheer strain on it practically made it useless after one transport.
Let's get on to Chapter 2.
Twilight was messing with my stuff again today. After I finished recording in my logbook yesterday, she some managed to lockpick my diary, and read the entire thing.
Again with the diary. What the heck was up with the diary?! I've never had a diary in real life, so why does Sammy have one, and why does Twilight always end up reading it?!
A few hours after I sent a group email, Zoey, Caleb, and Brodie arrived. The first thing Zoey said when I opened the door to let them in was "OH. MY. GOD. IS THAT A PONY?! I LOVE PONIES! PONYPONYPONYPONYPONY!!!".
First off, ah yes, the group email. I remember doing that before I had a phone. Second off, Zoey is being Zoey again.
Brodie just sat down and began to pet Twilight.
- Hairy baby! Haaaaaiiiry baaaaby...
- Brodie = Brony haha fun-ny joke ha ha rite guyses?
But seriously, yeah, back when I was planning out the characters, I remember Brodie was named Brodie because it rhymed with Brony because he was supposedly a closet brony. I think. It's been a while.
"Hey, sis! Sammy! Do you mind if I let Lisa pet Twilight?"
I looked down at Twilight, who simply looked over at Zoey and her younger sister, Lisa. Besides their height, clothing, and age, the two looked nearly the same.
There's Lisa! Funny to see how Zoey nowadays is the younger one instead. Though, their character design actually is surprisingly still quite similar to each other even years later. Ony difference is that at some point along the way it was established that Lisa has brown eyes while Zoey had blue, according to my planning docs.
I really haven't pointed out the fact that both this story and the previous one have practically zero clear separation between dialogue and action paragraphs, have I?
Now, back to explosion physics with the team.
I'm sorry WHAT?
Chapter 3 time!
"Hey, what if, we could ENTER somepo-- er, one's mind to SEE this stuff actually happening as they think about it?
Getting some Lego Movie vibes here. Anyone remember just how empty Emmet's head was?
"Yep. Y'know, what if, we are actually taking place as mere characters in the mind of a higher being, who's actually dictating our very thoughts and actions through the use of words?" Coincidentally, (or not) I felt a slight "pinch" in my mind, as if something heard me say that, and wanted me to keep down or something.
Looks like I was writing meta stuff long before I decided that meta was good content for funny quips and OC/narration abuse in Butter Knife's stories.
We proceeded with my plans, and I opened a temporary portal into my own imagination. The second we stepped in, I knew that anything that possible happened in there was all up to me, and BOY, was it a fun time. Twilight made a beeline straight for my "library of thoughts", and began to study immediately, while the rest of the group stuck with me, until I began to have a few stray thoughts of boredom.
The second that I got struck by boredom, I practically began to think of random things one after another, until suddenly, Twilight, the group, and I were suddenly standing on a cobblestone path, staring into a distant village.
Suddenly, a large arrow flew past Twilight's face, and I quickly turned around to find a clan of trolls, the exact thing I was thinking about at the moment. The thing was, they weren't the normal "troll under a bridge" type, they were internet trolls. All of a sudden, we were caught in a burn war between rival internet factions, trapped in an argument over some obscure thought that never really made it out clearly. It was kinda funny, 'cause Twilight began to take notes on what each side was saying, when the argument simply vanished from view.
That's the second time I've used this meme now in this review! Y'know what that means? That means I've used it not one, but two times now for a single story!
you thought that you would win, Sammy. Where is your god now?"
I quickly healed myself, and rose up in the air. A brilliant, white light shone from me in every direction, blinding everyone temporarily. I opened my mouth and spoke in a ground-shaking voice, "WHERE IS MY GOD? IT IS ME. I AM YOUR GOD NOW.
What even is this story anymore I can't even--
I just decided to have some fun on his chapter by giving everyone a view of what goes on inside Sammy's (and my) head when I (we?) are bored.
Of course the author's note straight-up confirms the self-insert.
Next chapter!
And also, have you ever dreamed of getting eye surgery?"
I wrinkled my nose at her last question. Why would I ever dream about that? Sure, I might've been partially blinded in my left eye from a soccer match way back whenever,
Never change in your complete and utter randomness, Zoey. Also, yeah, left eye in real life did get smacked by a soccer ball back in like 2nd grade on accident. Fun times. Though, "partially blinded" is taking the impact a bit too far in the case of this story. I can still see just fine without glasses IRL, but I need glasses to see the whiteboard in class and street signs when driving, and I'm probably off on a tangent rambling again so let's just stop that right now.
Rest of the chapter is just some blah stuff about some more meta stuff about not getting sleep and also something about Twilight being very weak and stuffed into a duffel bag.
Next.
"HEY EVERYONE! SAMMY'S GOT A UNICORN IN HIS DUFFE-- A WINGED UNICORN IN HIS DUFFEL BAG!"
Just point and laugh, boys, point and laugh.
Now GET OUT OF HER FACE, SHEEPLE!
Pretty sure this is the only time ever that I used the word "sheeple" in any story. But wow, didn't realize that I/Sammy talked that way back then. Hecc.
It's a pretty good thing that I managed to find my old bottles
Al-righty then. It just got weirder.
Let's move on to the last chapter before I trashed the story.
she seems to be slowly and painfully turning human.
Hey look, it's a bit of the short description!
And... that's it. Nothing ever came after this chapter, and nothing ever will. I hope.
idk.
Uhhh... okay.
Pfft.
[Insert evil laugh here]