I'm trying to learn how not to care.

Hi everyone. Over the last week, maybe two, I'm starting to try not giving a fuck. I've always been a mess of performance anxiety and feeling like I'm failing other people constantly. But this past Tuesday after another big fuck up I made at my externship despite my best efforts to NOT fuck up, I had this switch flip in my brain where I was like, "Hey, if I'm gonna fuck things up anyway then I might as well not give a shit". Which is great because I usually just want to jump into oncoming traffic, so I'll take the change.

The next three days, I actually made less mistakes than usual and one of my supervisors at the new practice commented that my poker face was a lot better than before. I've decided not to feel bad about fucking up. Fuck it. I'm a student and if they want perfection from me at this point in my life they can go fuck off. I still am stressed as fuck and feel exhausted but I'm trying not to think of it as a character flaw that I feel stressed. If that makes sense? I dunno. Whatever. I still have so much to do, but I feel numb about it, which is better than before.

I'm doing better. Certainly not forgetting how to speak mid-sentence and forgetting how to get to the gas station, now. I don't think I've ever felt so stressed in my life. I never got checked out to see if I have a tumor or brain bleed or something, but since I'm not dead I can probably rule that out. I think I was just stressed that badly.

On a random note, since it was a Saturday I decided randomly yesterday that I was going to go to an amusement park and ride the biggest, scariest roller coaster there since I've been terrified of coasters since I was little and refused to ride any. So, I researched amusement parks in my area within like a 3 hour drive and I found which one was the scariest looking and I went on this motherfucker:

See those bunny hill looking things in the second half? They made it feel like I was getting launched into orbit. The second drop felt like I was descending into hell. This coaster made me realize I still had emotions or something. I ended up riding it six times. Now I love roller coasters. Yay.

I still feel anxious about everything but I'm trying to dissociate as much as possible and not give two shits. So far it's an improvement. If I get a chance to write and I can gather my thoughts, I will. Until then, here's another fucking blog.

Comments

[Pyro The Reader]

That's an amazing thing man, it's great to go out and try new things, wish I had a chance to do something similar!

[jxj]

This is good to hear. I'm glad to see that it looks like you're doing a bit better. Mistakes are going to happen, it's how we learn, but it seems like you're figuring out how to not hyperfocus on mistakes and let them define you. That's an important thing to learn. Keep us updated on how you're doing.