An Attempt To Vent · 7:34am May 29th, 2019

Hey fimfiction fam. You've probably noticed my lack of activity or stories lately. Sorry about that. It's been really hard adjusting to being back home after the best trip ever. I'm essentially crashing from the high and have been for the past week or so, so even little things have been really overwhelming. I wanted to just vent about this a while, so If you aren't into bitching, don't read on.

I think the hardest part of coming back home is having to re-assimilate into my family. Florida was like another world. I was either on my own for periods, or surrounded by people who really made me feel great consistently. I didn't feel the pressure there that I do at home. My uncle, whom most of you have heard me complain of in previous blog posts I am sure, nitpicks at everything I do. He'll point out my mistakes or what I didn't do, and doesn't bother to teach me what I could do better. Instead of a learning experience, it's straight up criticism almost every day. If I leave my bedroom door open in the morning while He's sleeping (even though his door is closed.), If I don't refill the water before I take the last one, or GOD FORBID I use the bathroom in the morning like a fucking human being. Nothing I do is right for him at home, and so I try and avoid him as much as I can but sometimes it can't be helped, like at dinner or when I go outside to take my dog out. A week of not having to worry about that has sort of dulled my senses to that idea. I can't avoid him forever so I'm trying to just get out instead, and move with my husband to Florida so we can both get out of our respective houses.

My parents are a different story than my uncle, naturally. Loving, supportive, good natured. They sometimes give their two bits on situations, certainly, but it's always constructive about how I can improve. They teach me, and I'm much more receptive to that. So either my Uncle is blind as a bat or he just enjoys feeding off of my misery. Either way, having them around is a welcome relief to his crap.

This whole week has been really overwhelming for a lot of reasons, especially today. This past week I went out to my clinic for the first time since leaving for a counseling appointment, where I spilled all the details of my trip to my counselor, who was happy for me. It was kind of a shock in a way. Like, I hadn't actually been there in about a month, and it was just odd to see people outside of my house that I knew for the first time since I had left. It was like when you leave off on a page in a book, and put the book down for a long time before picking it back up, and you're trying to remember what the heck happened before. That odd, unreal feeling of being back where you were before. The shit with my uncle, of course, added to the stress of things. But today was just a snowballing kind of day for my issues. I had a friend driving to school in dangerous weather, whose normal drive there takes maybe 2.5-3 hours. He was gone for five, and I worried something had happened to him. Since he didn't have a phone, Discord was my only shot. Mercifully, he was okay, though his windshield did crack from some hail. That was a panic attack I did not need. Then, at dinner, my Mom unintentionally rubbed this chicken with this really spicy rub, and I couldn't eat it because spices and I don't agree with one another. I left the table hungry. The last thing that was the nail in the coffin so to speak... I can't even talk about it. It was just really one of those things where I didn't even know how to react. I just kind of let it pass after it came.

I'm in an odd place now. It's like I'm getting ready to turn a page to a new chapter of my life, and that's what I intend to do. I hope to move to Pensacola with my husband, where we can finally get our own place together, and get legally married without the interference of his family, though we did already have our ceremony with a few of my friends and my family there. I'm trying to figure out how to leave my old life here behind and prepare for the new, and all the while I just feel overwhelmed and lost a great deal of the time. But I'm not going to give up, because I want this more than anything. I don't just want to survive, I want to live, and I can't do that where I am now. The future is waiting for me there, and I am going to take it no matter what. I'm ready to move. I'm ready to open myself up to new opportunities. I'm taking the good parts of home with me, and leaving behind the bad ones. I am ready for a new start, and it makes me crazy to have to wait to get there.

Whatever happens, I'm going to get through it, because I will never get where I want to be if I stay where I am.

Thanks for letting me vent guys.

Report FabulousDivaRarity · 307 views · #Vent Post #Just Ranting About Stuff But Not Angrily Mostly #Looking To The Future #Making Sense Of Things #Sharing My Feelings

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