Strange things we do to ourselves, or at least stuff we go out of our way to try to avoid doing. · 12:26pm Apr 21st, 2019
So, this is probably gonna be one of those posts where I talk a lot about like, psychology, but also do so largely from the perspective of my own experiences, so I'm gonna start off by posting a picture of the OC that I have that I actually kinda relate to the most, despite how cute the smol green pega is.
omg she is so smol and darling and bat
I realised about... oh, nine months ago, that I had planned on writing a post about writing characters who have ADHD, because that's... kind of a problem that is near to my heart and often likes to take over my brain at usually the worst points in time. Which, in its own way, also absolutely drives me bonkers because I'll be sitting here, forgetting something, or having hyperfocussed on something weird for 4 hours instead of editing/translating another story/writing a note for an encounter at work/cleaning the house/exercising/eating, etc, which leaves me in this perpetual state of annoyance with myself. Cause I'm supposed to be this 31 year old woman with a master's degree who has her stuff together.
... well, as much as you can have your stuff together when your life is kind of chaotic and... occasionally awful. BUT REALLY I TRY TO FOCUS ON THE POSITIVES!
Which is kind of why I ended up deciding that maybe I do need to write some things about ADHD, if only to like, actually own that it's a problem?
Sure! I'll mention it, and like sort of self-deprecatingly note that it's something that makes me do dumb things like manage to lose an object without leaving my desk. Or makes me get up, leave the room, forget why I left the room, re-enter the room, suddenly remember, and go to leave again and forget because occasionally my short term memory just is sort of like 'lol I don't know why but leaving through a doorway means I can just take whatever you were doing and pitch it in the mental recycle bin! Pity if someone were to click 'empty bin' - oh wait it's done you're welcome!'
But... often like, I can talk about these sorts of anecdotes and make them into funny stories, because, for the most part, they are, and in most cases, they're relatively harmless. But that's because like, I have a lot harder time talking about how absolutely stupid this... issue makes me feel. A lot.
Actually, the fact that I refer to it as an... issue? Is something that like, bugs the crap out of my therapist. Apparently one of the things I'm supposed to be working on is emotional honesty, and... that's really hard when I manage to do things like, get my master's degree and like, hold down a relatively high stress job, but also be one of the most highly praised workers at it, or like, manage to write nearly 200k words of a post-apocalyptic horse fiction. Because what people don't see behind that is the anger that my writing is often best completed at 3am when I've not slept more than 3 hours in a night a week, or that I'll frequently go to bed with a story burning a hole in my head because if I don't sleep, I won't sleep for that night. Or the anguish of realising that I scheduled an appointment with my primary care doctor specifically to request a referral to a local psychiatrist to actually trial some sort of medication again, only to spend the entire appointment talking about really dumb things because I was so nervous to admit how much of a problem this was for me, only to realise, at home, that I never asked for the referral. The referral that my doctor gave me in like 2 seconds after I tearfully called them back because I felt so dumb that I'd literally spent the entire 15 minute appointment on something else.
Yeah, that... actually happened. It was, not one of my prouder moments. 
Which... all of these things are like actually huge problems that like... actively kind of make my life really frustrating, but I have spent my entire life sort of dealing with them, that I don't like to really admit it's a problem? Like, I look at other people's lives and go 'oh gosh, how can I help you cope with (insert depressingly common mental health disorder here)?' and will often go to ridiculous lengths to try to accommodate people and for some reason that like... means in my head that I just have this annoying, tiny, hardly noticeable issue. I'll bend over backwards to try to see it from someone else's perspective, but only offer scathing internal dialogue to myself when I do things that... are a problem that a lot of people with ADHD will talk about. Because they have a disorder. I just...
Well, actually, I just have several disorders that actively make my life a living hell to exist in my own head with, but I spend most of my time trying to look like the sanest person in the room because that is what people expect and LUNA SAVE ME if anyone knew just how much of a mess I actually was cause then no one would talk to me and everyone would stop reading these blog posts and basically come to my house and be like 'you lied to us you're just as nuts as we are and now we're gonna burn down your house!'
I realise this is completely unrealistic, but my brain likes to tell me that this is 100% legit what will happen if I'm honest about... like having problems. Even though I'm 100% positive that folks have read Speak and Synchronicity and have been like 'oh no this writer is clearly kinda fucked in the head.'
Which, all of us have that voice in our head that is kind of a jerk. And... argh, yet again I'm lapsing back into an attempt to talk about other people and not myself.
That was another thing that my therapist pointed out that annoyed her about me was that I could talk about other people's really tough emotional things for hours, but like... will talk about me for about 2 minutes. She timed it once. That was... honestly really embarrassing that I could only handle my own deep emotional problems for 2 minutes. I honestly wanted to leave the session right then, but I'd only been there for about 20 minutes, and I have this weird social contract obligation thing where I can't express what I want for myself even if I'm dying inside, so I ended up sticking out the session. And, it was probably a good thing, but like... yeah it really sucked to hear. Cause like, big damn therapistwell, not really big, I'm... kinda short! Really good at helping her friends and her clients and trying to save the world, but... can't talk about her own feelings.
Which... gets back to why I ended up posting that cute little batpony up there. Sonata has been one of my favourite characters, even though like, I love Threnody to bits. Despite how mean I can be to her when writing Speak. Cause... originally Sona was this semi-outgoing character that I played who really struggled saying what she meant. She kinda got a bit of a reputation for being one of those kinds of characters who wouldn't tell you what she felt if you held a gun to her head, and some of the characters on the RP server that I played her on ended up kinda... not liking her because of that. Even though she was frequently making treats to share, and was trying to be kind to everyone. Turns out, people by and large would rather have someone who actually is emotionally honest on occasion, rather than have someone always give them cinnamon rolls. Which was a really good like... character building moment for her!
That I completely neglected to apply to my life. Because... I'm dumb.
But, because I kinda... neglected to apply that to my own life, that came back in a rather painful way at one point. I used to moderate a discord server for FOE, and mods were talking, and at one point I asked if any of the users ever privately complained about me. I expected to get like 'I wish she wasn't such a flake' or 'she can be kinda dumb sometimes.' Instead, what I got was 'actually the users think you're too nice and that you're kind of duplicitous about how you actually feel a lot.' Which was like... ouch. Because while I'll never claim to be the Element of Honesty, because oh goddesses do I not envy AJ in having that, but at the same time being told that people thought I was being deceitful really hurt. Especially since it often stemmed from me trying to avoid... well, dumping my problems on them.
But, yet again, as a consequence, people would rather have someone be honest, tell them 'no', and be upfront with them when I'm upset with someone than like... be the nice one all the time.
Which gets us to the part where I can actually talk about the science of ADHD. One of the symptoms of ADHD that kinda gets tacked on and that no one really talks about really well is called Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. Which, dysphoria it self comes from the Greek word that means hard to bear. Most people usually see this in the context of Gender Dysphoria (that collection of shitty feelings you have when you're trans but like, really only exists to make you feel awful about the fact that your body and your assigned gender don't match how you feel so you kinda want to die sometimes but not? yeah totally don't know what that'slike), but dysphoria is an actual mood state that just... is usually encompassed in a lot of mental health issues. But for RSD, we kinda... don't talk about the symptoms because often they show up in other things and clinicians (myself included) often lump these issues into other problems. However, the difference is that RSD tends to be this really short term thing that... really can kinda fuck over your perceptions of life.
Cause you cope with it with one of a couple super healthy ways.
1. You become the best people pleaser. You scan every person you meet to figure out what that person admires and praises. Then, that’s the false self you present. Often this becomes such a dominating goal that you kinda sorta maybe forget what you actually wanted from your own life? Cause you're too busy making sure other people aren’t displeased with you.
Or
2. You stop trying. If there is the slightest possibility that you might try something new and fail or fall short in front of anyone else, it’s just too painful and too risky to even consider. So, you just don’t. Most of the time, you are a very bright, capable person who becomes the world's biggest slackers and you'll do absolutely nothing with your life because making any effort is so anxiety-provoking. So you give up going on dates, applying for jobs, or speaking in meetings.
How's that whole trying to figure out dating going Heartshine? quiet sobbing
Pretty much how dating goes for me tbh
Which... means that you kind of have to learn how to adapt to these things. Which... is not easy. And it involves a lot of crying, a lot of trying to override the jerk voice in your head that says you can't and that people want to burn down your house, and (theoretically) therapy helps. Yeah, not sure on that one. Though this is apparently why sometimes psychiatrists will prescribe low dose anxiety meds for people with ADHD. Which, originally sounded kinda counter-intuitive to me because like, I take ritalin and then sleep for 9 hours, so giving someone something like low dose klonapin on top of that sounds like a recipe for disaster, but apparently it helps with RSD.
Still doesn't mean I want to mix the two for myself, but if it works for other people, that's awesome!
I also end up thinking of Cynewulf's story about Rarity taking entirely too much klonapin to stave off her existential dread about the heat death of the universe when I think of most anxiety meds, so I kinda avoid them on principle lest I take them and melt into a couch or something.
But... it takes a lot to like, acknowledge there's a problem. And... I guess maybe kinda sorta my ADHD is a problem? And has been for like, forever? It's just something that I am very good at not letting people see, largely because I spend an egregious amount of time looking like I don't have it. Aside from the 'must shake my leg' thing. That... I kinda can't hide because otherwise I can't focus on what someone is saying.
You know, my cunning plan to pass as being relatively neurotypical appears to be failing hilariously. Maybe the autistic client I that told me I was a "trap neurotypical until you spend more than 2 hours with (me)" was on to something... Hmm...
I still don't like admitting that it's a problem. Because I don't... want like special accommodations because more often than not I can muddle through without them. I just usually want to die in the process. BUT I DID THE THING! SO IT'S WORTH IT, RIGHT?
That said, knowing that you have an issue, and... actually owning it? That's an important part of recovery. For a person, or for a character.
...I'm still working on that.
So... hopefully you at least learned something from this that Heartshine is a little batty, and um... yeah, thanks for reading, as always.
I won't pretend to try and understand all the complex labyrinths of another's mind, especially when it involves mental...quirks, but I just felt like sharing. I don't like people that think you're 'lying', stuff you write in these blogs to me are far deeper than any half-brain celled idiot who 'Acts' like they can gain sympathy from others by faking mental problems. But you, I don't get that impression in your writing.
Now me saying (or in this case, typing) to simply move past those that call you a liar and such would be best, from what you've written before I know it isn't as simple as that, but know that all of us that both read your blogs and your story find what you write insightful and meaningful, its definitely broadened my mind over time in terms of my own mentally and that of others.
I look forward to your next chapter or blog
Sorry if this sounds out-of-place, I just hate judgemental people
I too certainly do not pretend to be "know-it-all", but it seems to me that emotions need to be thrown out of myself (I mean that you need to speak out in words). I could not grasp fully in your text, sorry about that, but it helps me to relax simple conversation heart to heart with a friend. Not know as this is the case in States, because I heard that this not adopted at least on British Isles, MB this applies to the West (as all Russians his call), can be this not truth.
It's funny, but it helps me with the mood of the stream Russian player in Hearthstone, whose name is Silvername, his VERY EMOTIONAL game is very uplifting, because this man is just furious at the simple cards). It works because his problems seem like nothing compared to yours, and he spends more of his nerves than yours. Ke
I apologize just in case for anything
I wonder whose eyes I need to pull out and feed the tongue to the dogs who said something like this about your "mendacity"?
The translator did not fully give me an understanding of the text and for that I hate it with all my heart, so I can’t make out every cue and sentence as I usually do.
Therefore, I accent from the fact that I could understand it myself and ... I will just show words of support, as I suffer from similar problems that paralyze my life and I cannot ask for help, or no one will provide it.
We will stand until dawn!
(And I feel really disgracefully sending it out without even fully understanding the text and maybe saying a completely unrelated text, but you know, THE FEAR OF STUPIDITY WILL NOT STOP THOSE WHO DON'T KNOW THE FEAR!)
(if I said some kind of perfect nonsense, please indicate and rub it in the future, otherwise there wasn’t enough to offend anyone, especially you.)
You're welcome; I hope writing it helped. And I think it was educational, yes. :)
I know any decent person is always supposed to be finding a balance between taking care of their own self while not neglecting others, but it always feels really hard to quantify and translate another person's level of internal suffering, because it's like 'this may be asking for a problem I can't solve and I don't want to let them down but aren't I supposed to not assume they would expect me to fix everything? And aren't their problems none of my business if they don't tell me? But doesn't that just mean I'm a coward for not wanting to hear 'I don't want to talk about that / it's none of your business'?
I hate to admit that this sort of catastrophic thinking is something I let myself drown in, if only so that I can push the fears to their absurd extremes so that I can better try to ignore them entirely. Unfortunately the same behaviour also makes me abandon attempts at interaction because the internal monologue goes too many places trying to cover everything that would call my assumptions about reality into question.
I would think that some people maybe, *mayyybe* might think that about Speak at some points, but Synchronicty seems innocuous to me, unless we're talking about those people who take issue with the concept of shipping itself. I'm still reading Secret Keepers ('It's only one chapter-what's taking me so long!?'), but it doesn't seem to say things to be anxious over either.
Me seeing #1 and #2
i.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/facebook/000/011/307/Screen_Shot_2012-09-13_at_9.39.39_AM.jpg
I feel that I follow #1 for people I've already come to care about, and #2 for the rest, since it feels like I'm constantly at my dunbar limit no matter how small I try to keep my life (maybe that number is one of those things where it will atrophy anyway if you're not constantly trying to expand it)
At least, in becoming a therapist yourself, you're helping others with problems you have first-hand knowledge of! Actually being able to help others like you can and do, even when you can't help yourself, I'd consider a best case scenario.
I suppose a lot of us might hold ourselves to different standards than we hold others, because it's unfair to expect things from those you don't know inside and out but fine to have high expectations of yourself because you're supposed to know yourself and push yourself to be better all the time.
It does make sense that therapy is theoretical because it's not like they hold your hand and go out into the public with you and do 3 hour practicals.
I'm sure there are at least *some* people out there who are actually as functional as the kids-cartoon parents of tv are, but I can't say I'd be surprised if the 'normal' life of 99% of all Humans who have ever existed was just an endless kongo line of humiliation and duct tape being used to hold things together and everything seeming like it's fine until a gust of wind just happens by.
I spent five weeks working up the nerve to talk to a girl at work. She's nice. She's bubbly. She's optimistic. She's adorable.
She's gay. And in a relationship.
SIIIIIIIIIGGGGGHHHHHHHH....
(Also, interesting bit about dysphoria... I hate water spidering (moving heavy freight to stations), but I will water spider if my bosses ask me because I'm afraid of what they'll say about me if I say no.)