What do you think? · 5:06am Feb 5th, 2019
This is a short story I wrote.in response for a Valentine's day story our writing club teacher assigned us. Do you think it's good? Warning, crass words ahead...
“Mama? What’s a whore?”
I stiffened, nearly dropping the plate I was drying. Placing it down, I turned to see my darling little Matthieu, his blue eyes wide and innocent.
“Where did you hear that word?” My tone was quiet, but stern and full of anger. It nearly broke my heart at how frightened Matthieu became at it, but I needed to know.
Matthieu mumbled “N-nowhere Mama…”
I kneeled down, my tone soothing “No need to be frightened, little Meeshka. I just want to know.”
He stepped closer to me, and he said “So-some people were talking in town today, when I was coming from school. They acted funny, and smelled bad, they were in front of that place with the silly ladies, the ones who wear their clothes inside out.”
The Saloon patrons. God did I hate them. All they did was stand outside the Saloon during the day, harassing everyone except the Sheriff, while at night they laid drunken with a different woman. It was horrible that the shortest way to school was past the saloon, but what could I do? Nothing. I could tell Matthieu to not go that way, but why should he listen? Logic for him was to go to the schoolhouse as fast as possible.
“And what did they say, Meeshka?”
“They… they pointed at me and said, really silly like, “Look, it’s that whore’s spawn.” So Mama, I was confused, what’s a-”
“Nothing Meeshka. Just a very, very bad word. Don’t worry about it, just never repeat it, Understand?”
Matthieu looked confused “But WHY Mama? Why is it bad, and why did they call you that if it is bad?”
“Oh Matthieu, so many questions. Shh… Don’t worry about it, I promise I’ll tell you when you are older. Da? For now though, can you please not go that way? Please Meeshka."
He didn’t look convinced, but he nodded “A-alright, Mama. I love you.”
“And I love you, Meeshka.”
When Matthieu headed for his room, I sat in a chair by the window, staring at nothing. The course floors, the bare walls, the empty feeling, the small rooms. This was no life. Not the one Francois promised anyway. This was surviving, not living.
A tear, two, three splashed on the table.
Francois hated it when I cried, said that my ‘diamond eyes’ would become clouded… “Always smile, mon amor…”
Oh why God? Why did Francois send us ahead to America? I would have been disapointed with waiting another six months to arrive, but at least I would have been with him. Why is he not coming? What is taking so long for him to arrive?
He’s not… Niet. I’ve waited so long, God wouldn’t-
It was hard, being a washerwoman with a son and no husband. I was no prostitute, why couldn’t America be more open? Why couldn’t these people, this town, be more like the dream Francois and I heard so much about?
My cheeks are cold from the tears.
I love him, God I LOVE him, why isn’t he coming? Why did you leave me, leave US, alone?
And Matthieu, darling Matthieu. He had nothing, no future, no father but he has the most kind soul I have ever seen. He is a mouse living in a town of gossiping cats.
I love you, Francois. I don’t know why your ship is taking so long to arrive, I don’t know why bu-
“Mama? Mama! Stop crying, please Mama why are you crying?”
My arm was being shaken, and I blinked to meet the eyes of my worried Meeshka. Without saying anything, I simply took him in my arms and cradled him in my lap, sobbing and kissing the crown of his head. I heard his muffled voice in the fabric of my shoulder, but I couldn’t make out the words. It didn’t matter. Soon this would end, and he would ask me questions.
Like he always does.
And yet… and YET… However long it takes… I will wait for you, Francois.
For I love you
Even if you are dead, as I fear you are.
5008312
IKR I WAS CRYING WHILE WRITING THIS AND I FREAKED OUT MY STUDY HALL TEACHER!
5008314
But it's beautiful!
5008316
Thank you! <3 any edits or changes you can suggest?
5008317
Nothing comes to mind.
5008319
Oh ok! :D
This was very good. Just two grammar errors that I see.
They… they pointed at me and said, really silly like, “Look, it’s that whore’s spawn.” So Mama, I was confused, what’s a-” It should be single quotation marks for 'Look, it's that whore's spawn.'
And the "course floor" should be "coarse floor".
Overall, the story was really good with a lot of emotional depth without being sentimental. Even though it's short, you really set the stage and the mood. When you can see it in your mind, you know it's good.
5008401
Thank you so much! :D you are the best!
5008458
Omg thank you so much! Now I just hope my teacher will like it as much as yall!
I'M NOT CRYING, YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S CRYING I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!!
5008556
Awww im sorry for making totally not you cry.
5008560
It's fine, my heartsrings need some pulling every now and then
5008564
true that. Anyway, im so glad you liked it, any suggestions for edits?
5008565
Well one question, I’m not very familiar with the name Francois other than knowing I’ve seen it in France and know how to pronounce it in French. Does it exist outside the French language and of so where does it come from for this man?
5008584
No it's french. The narrator is Russian, the husband is french. And the son is... French Russian? XD
5008586
Thought as much. This isn’t too much needed but I know there are accents on a few of the letters in that name
5008592
Oh ok! I'll fix that. Yeah I'm just reading the story out loud but hey if I ever publish it in a collage of short stories, I'll edit that! Thanks!
5008593
Your welcome :)
This is more of a question. You talk about a Saloon and a Sheriff. That gives me the impression this is more of a west coast town, possibly south. Usually when people came to America they came East Coast. I know geographically, one in the Far East of Russia would be closer to the West Coast for an arrival point, and the opposite of coming from Europe, especially France or Britain. Was this intentional to give that setting and possibly establish a time/era?
5008600
Yes this was intentional, and while you are right that many and most immigrants come in the East side, many (especially Russians) would move to the west when they heard of the Gold Rush or if they wished to be farmers, rather than live in the slums of the Eastern Cities.
So, while our narrator and her son arrived to the east side, they immediately went to the western side, as instructed by her husband, to wait for him to come and claim land to farm.
Consequently, this does not happen, so our narrator became a washerwoman to support herself and her son when the money her husband gave her ran out.
5008602
Makes sense I had thought it was something along those lines.
5008667
Glad I could cement those thoughts! :D
5008671
Thank you kindly ^w^
For gas