Jan
16th
2019
I Need to Think · 5:11pm Jan 16th, 2019
I've been thinking about the direction my story has been taking, and I'm not exactly pleased with the quality of what's been written. A number of you seem to share my concerns with how the story has been going with Test Tube. I'm going to take a day away from writing to think on what I want to do with this. I might just retcon the last couple chapters and have the Character Development I want play out in a different way.
Feel free to give your own input on the matter. I'd love to hear what you all think.
The only thing that I really noted was that most of the characters that know Test Tube is free didn't seem to take it that seriously, other then maybe Luna but the guards she set to the task seemed to not really know what they where dealing with.
Other then the misinformed guards there was also Aurick who is a 500 year old Eleven Wizard/Adventurer and didn't seem to have any prepared magic in his house for detecting evil or just for protecting his house from attack, I know he had the window protecting thing but the fact he had to run around the house to set them all going was a rather big flaw in his planing, I think he could have solved that by enchanting some gems for mama collecting/storing and having them power the protection spell and if he didn't want them going at all times then having them all activate from a single quick spell might make more seance.
Please don't take this as me hating on the story in any way, I love it and it is probably my favorite that I'm reading right now but I figure some constructive criticism could maybe be helpful
4998038
Don't worry, I haven't been taking any of the criticism as hate. I'm glad people are sharing their thoughts. It's just that I'm fairly hard on myself and I don't want a good story. I want a great story I can be proud of.
4998047
That's awesome! I'm glad your not letting it get you down.
P.S I think you do the characters really well, they actually fell like people instead of just words in a story.
4998050
That seems to be the part of writing I have as my basis. There's still a lot that I need to practice with though. Action would be the most relevant one. I have been thinking of maybe taking this story down a psuedo action route, with this recent arc as a kind of experimental foray into that. Though I haven't been pleased with the results. I'm probably going to end up writing an action/adventure story later down the road, so I could brush up on that aspect a little more.
Hmm, part of the issue with an ancient character, is that his age ought to lead naturally to experience. Thus one would expect the home of a centuries-old master enchanter to be very difficult to break into. I have less of an issue with him eventually losing that fight, mages are nearly always vulnerable in close-quarters combat, and he hasn't had to fight alone in centuries. As he said, he's gotten rusty.
But running around manually activating each enchantment? That's an apprentice's error. I do expect him to be more competent than that.
I have less of an issue with the lackadaisical nature of the guards, centuries of peace will do that. If there was a passage about Luna nearly tearing her mane out over how comparatively useless these goons are compared to the troops she had a thousand years ago, this would float a lot better. Say, a section about Luna wanting to jack up the training regimes and getting pushback from the noble guard leadership?
All of that being as it may, the character progression is top-notch. I've quite enjoyed it, and honestly, I think one of the main issues with Test Tube's involvement is that it's happening too soon. This doesn't feel like the right place, narratively speaking, for a climactic action sequence. Putting this mess here makes the plot feel rushed. In the span of a few thousand words, we've gone from them barely trusting each other, to Aurick fighting for his guest's life. It's too fast.
What might work though, is if Aurick gets to show off his wizard-mojo and give what's-her-name a good thrashing. Booby-traps, lightning, thunderous shouts, the whole nine yards. This proves far beyond what his opponent was prepared to fight, and she is forced to flee, charred and smoldering. This gives a good reason for them to not show up for a while as Test Tube's brute needs time to recuperate, and they need to figure out a way to handle Aurick.
Now, with the enemy driven off, there's the whole thing of Aurick defying what Ashwyn thought was certain doom. We get a lovely emotional moment, lots of hugging, and then they deal with the problem of a pile of dead guards.
The royal guard has now proven beyond all doubt it's uselessness, and Luna has the ill fortuned leverage she needs to force reforms in spite of the nobility's bellyaching. And in the meantime, the lunar guard can take over.
Does that help?
4998078
It does. Another thing to think about, as it were.
Thanks for the input.
4998059
I think the story has a good base to make it into an action/adventure and it could be really good, the only thing with action is you just have to make sure that no one suddenly becomes 50% less intelligent (picks up the idiot ball) just for the sake of starting/prolonging a conflict.
I've seen that in a large number of stories and it pulls you right out when someone you've been reading about for several thousand words suddenly acts way out of character just so that war with the Griffin kingdom can happen even though they the Grifs have been on good terms with Equestria for the last 750 years! or something like that
4998078
You put that into words far better then I did
Ah I see. Well then I shall wait til the marrow! Let me know if you retcon the previous chapters
4998078 4998059
It's not just that. Aurick's speed is referenced multiple times throughout the story, their is even a direct mention of him layering speed spells over his already speed enchanted boots.
Then we get to the fight seen and when does he make use of his enhanced speed? Does he make use of it to better reach and power his homes defenses? No! The only reference to his speed is to his boots. After his defenses are smashed and the intruder already in the building.
I like this story but that was just painful.
4998134
The layering of a speed spell on top of enchanted boots was for Fu 'Ran, which he tested on himself. He only thought he might want to make similarly enchanted boots for himself.
i was wondering what happened to chapter 30
finish reading it and refresh to see if there are more and boom the dirpinator got the drop on me with a 404 error
4998214
Rip. Took them down so that new readers dont get mislead if I end up scrapping them.
4998215
Just saw this and gotta say I concur.
Plenty of times I've improvd myself into a corner my campaigns and needs an outside opinion to recover.
Take your time. I'm sure it will be worth it.
Wow... a writer who actually listens to criticism... instead of saying he/she knows best and can't be wrong u already earned yourself quite a lot of respect points kind sir.
going back to the story to be completely honest with u the only chapters u needed to change were the last two ones the one where attack occurred and the one in which testube run away...
The one in which testube runaway probably should stretch into two or three chapters and no offense meant maybe that is as intended, after all as far as we know he may actually be working for Celestia who secretly is evil, but equestrian reaction to his escape was truly underwhelming...
Especially when u consider that later there were guards who went missing presumably when they were investigating his escape or trying to catch him.
As for the last chapter the one with the attack u should probably turn that into at least 3-4 chapters event, also:
Aurick seems to have some experience as both adventurer and spy/agent doing both above table and more dirty/wet work for the crown where he was from, a healthy dose of paranoia would be advised to be shown by him, even if we assume that by the fact the is a reasonably old elf his emotional reactions are more mild and therefore he isn't suspicious of everything at every moment, which fits with how he behaves in previous chapters.
The moment he was notified that there is an active threat to him and/or someone he is in charge of, he should go full fortify everything, traps everywhere, what little summoning he can do as enchanter if only to slow the enemy down or as living intruder alarms, and active defense spells at all times when he is not sleeping.
Honestly as I written in comments to that chapter back then, wizards are squishy... regardless if we take D&D rules or any other modifying circumstances, general rule of thumb wizards are squishy and this can be used as a way to make him lose the fight in the story, however since any wizard who is semi smart which is kinda necessity for wizards should know that this would be his/her primary weakness, Aurick should know that even more as he has experience both fighting and well engaging in less reputable activities i cant see how he would not go into full defense mode to fix his most obvious weakness.
Him losing to spellcaster actually would make sense especcialy if said spellcaster was changed to be more physically dangerous however it would still be harder fight than was presented unless his/her magic was used solely to dispel or disrupt Aurick's.
For an enchanter who has access to almost infinite supply of gemstones and material he was not equipped well for that fight, or i should say at all equipped for that fight, honestly in that fight he looked like he I don't know picked up the -10 to intelligence and wisdom amulet from somwhere and didn't prepare at all.
And please drop the stupid as hell window spell, the one that had to be either touched or looked at to activate its defensive powers, as someone who roleplays wizard in many games and different systems I will tell u right now that spell is useless, its worse than useless its main flaw makes it useless in any world in which any way to attack by range exists, for a fragile wizard who can with good hit or two go down even more so,
A spell that forces u to expose yourself to danger just to fortify a single window or wall... is worse than useless its downright hazardous for the user.
I would complain about guards, who by their behavior work ethics and usefulness are being worthless waste of food and oxygen that it took for them to live that long, but honestly when compare dot how useless they are in the show its not really that bad, even when contrasted to unusual situation they were meant to deal with.
As for the absolute lack of preparation and response form princesses or elements, well elements are for some reason not allowed to be part of this operation and kept in the dark about it, but I have no idea why luna isn't for the time being until testube is caught if not in Ponyville than in some observation camp or watchtower one teleport away. It is especially jarring when u contrast this with her concerned and seemingly dedicated attitude to fighting inside threats she displayed before in those short segments when she is in her office.
Other than that I cant come up with anything else that is particularly immersion breaking shall we say.
Good luck writing and i hope this will be at least somewhat useful if not feel free to disregard it.
And don't let it bother u if u find your own work not good enough or u will end like me constantly coming back to the story u are writing and finding what i written before is not good enough and begin to rewrite it again and again and again ad infinitum.