Fuck. · 4:15am Jan 7th, 2019
Well, I could make some kind of speech talking about how the future year is looking bright and colorful, and how it will be much better than last year's writing-wise, but the truth? It's kinda worse.
I don't like lying to you guys. I won't sugarcoat this. I have mental problems. Depression, to be entirely accurate. This really, really intensified over Christmas break.
I live with my mom, and she's the only family I have in 1,500 miles near me. well, recently, she's been going away for months at a time. she left for Christmas this year, went to visit the rest of my family.
She's done that before, it wasn't anything new, but I just.
I deal with my problems relatively well. something bad happens, I'll usually just try to play a video game or something to take my mind off of it, or I'll go read a thing or look at cute pictures to cheer myself up.
It wasn't enough.
I was feeling lonely, stupid, abandoned, and I sincerely felt like nobody loved or cared about me or anything I do. I have people who tell me the opposite of course, but I got low. I got really, really, really low.
So low in fact, that I started thinking about the gun my mom has in her room.
I didn't touch it, thank god, but the thought was there. It was really awful. Thankfully I have a very good friend of mine who convinced me to call the doctor, which I did, and now I'm on some stuff that will hopefully start making me feel normal again.
The reason I'm posting this is because I don't like leaving you guys in the dark. I'd be lying if I said I was working on anything, because I'm not. I can barely even function enough to ensure my day-to-day life goes relatively unhindered, never mind trying to force myself to write something that wouldn't be from the heart, anyways.
I'm not doing well, but I'm working on it. I'm on the meds, and I'm trying to take steps to bring myself back to where I was four years ago, when I was actually happy with myself and what I was doing, instead of the sad sack of depression I feel like I've become. After that...well, who knows? Ideally I'd love to work on things again, A&E as a series honestly means a lot to me, and even without Doccular's help in writing it, I feel like I could maybe try to continue it on my own.
I have a few new writing ideas as well, the ideas are all there, but every time I try to sit down and write, it just...
it's like a mental block I can't quite get around.
anyways, thank you all for taking the time to read this. Things are bad right now, but I am hoping for a positive outlook in the future.
Hey! TGM!! You're amazing and a beautiful person! I know we say it chat, and it's true! I'm happy to count you among the friends I've made on this site <3
4992509
Thank you neon <3
Things will turn around for you, I'm sure of it.
4992515
That means a lot, Kami. Honestly, it really does.
You should fap.
4992519
I certainly hope so. I desperately, desperately want them to.
_____Yeah, it always feels like it gets worse. It took me a while till I felt like I didn't need my own meds for years.
There's no way to sugar-cost this. I think it might be a good idea to see a therapist. Suicidal thoughts are no joke, and it's best to get help if you think it's getting worse.
Look, four different people (unsure about FicusCat, but they probably also) cared enough about you to leave a comment within the first two hours of this post being up, just to show that they cared about you.
If there is one thing I hate, it's permanently unfinished stories and I'd really hate to see your story stuck unfinished.
Moo
4992595
That's the thing, I've been seeing a therapist for two years now.
I already have an appointment to go see a psychiatrist in a couple of months.
I'm sure he probably meant something nice, in his own weird French old man way
There's always a disconnect between internet friends. I love all of these people who came to comfort me of course, but I'm still alone for the holidays, with no one to do anything with. As much as I appreciate people coming to tell me they care about me over the internet, I still feel alone and unwanted by people I actually know in real life, if that makes any sense.
I don't think anyone would really care if any of my currently unfinished stories went unfinished, nobody seems to really care about them anyways. Any new ideas I have would probably go unnoticed also, because they're not comedy one shots or sex or whatever.
4992633
I.... is that supposed to be comforting
4992697
The heart means I love you.
The moo is so you know it's from me.
Hey man, you're really are an awesome person with a giant imagination and just as big a heart!
If there's one thing I'd wish for this year is for you to be happy.
(Okay, realistically I'd wish for huge personal wealth and security to pursue my goals unhindered by having to work to eat, but your happiness would be a very close second. Like, if I had more than one wish, my second one would be for all my friends' lives to improve significantly or something)
4992697
Hey, I glad I checked in on your page. I’m sorry that you’ve been having a hard time fighting depression. But suicide is never the answer.
I had a hard time when my friends and family moved away and I slowly lost contact with them. But that’s not all life has to offer. While it may be difficult to get out there and make new friends irl, it is worth it in the long run. Building new friendships and relationships is one of the best feelings in the world, it may be awkward at first, but the more relaxed you are the easier it gets.
Also, on a kinda selfish note, I want to point out that you have more than 400 people interested in your stories. While you may feel it’s time to bury them, that doesn’t mean they were bad. If you wish to move on, stop writing or switch genres, we support your decision. Do whatever makes you happy. I hope that life gets better for you.
4992730
Thank you <3
4992967
Lol, it's the thought that counts Destrustor. I'd like for you to be happy too, though c:
4993823
It's not just about the family, though that is a contributing factor. I feel lost and useless, like I'm just existing with no other dreams or aspirations. I'm not the kind of person who enjoys going out to bars or whatever and meeting strangers, and the things that do interest me (I.E. Pokemon tournaments taking place in comic shops, pokemon GO meet ups, etc.) often happen at a time that I can't attend, because I'm a night shift worker and those activities will usually carry over into the night.
Also a lot of people started following me for my comedy oneshots and my displaced story, but that's not what I enjoy writing. I try to write something that I actually like and that I think might be fun, or means something to me but no one cares or pay attention to it except maybe 1 or 2 people who comment because I link them to it and ask for feedback.
I'm sorry, I don't mean to sound like a whiny baby who needs attention, but I do thrive off of feedback, and when I try really hard at something that makes little to no splash, gets minimal comments, or hardly gets noticed at all, it's very frustrating. Having 400+ followers doesn't mean anything if over half the stuff I write goes unnoticed.
Edit: and I know I should be writing to tell a story, not to get attention, but it just frustrates me more when people tell me that sort of thing, because I should feel that way and want to do it for that reason, but I don't.
4993832
Have you tried linking your newer stories to groups where people may be specificity interested in it? Ie: a story about evil Twilight in “Fallen Heroes” or one about Discord into one of the numerous groups for him?
If most of your followers joined for Comedy and Displaced stories, they won’t necessarily be interested in a different genre. You have to basically advertise your new stories to new people. It may feel a bit like starting from scratch, but you now have the experience of writing other stories to kickstart your new endeavors.