Fic Reviews: PVFD: Fire Watch One · 12:04am Jun 21st, 2018
Okay, so back to reviewing. First off, an update though. One of the previous fics I reviewed, Reconciliation by xd77, the author of said story deleted negative comments against the story, so congrats. You just earned yourself an even lower score! 3/10 now. But anyways, to the main review at hand, and I'm happy to say that this story will be scoring much higher.
The story in question?
Okay, first off, I think the mood needs to be set. Here, music to listen to while reading this story along with me.
Now, this fic does come with a proviso from the author:
Be warned this is not edited, it is as I submitted it and I submit it here in the spurt of the Iron Author.
So, any grammar mistakes I'll look over just this once as to keep to the spirit of the contest this story was submitted for. Also, I have to give props to the author, for finishing this story in just over an hour. Not half bad, really. It usually takes me much longer to write even a portion of a chapter for a one-shot. Granted, I'm not the world's fastest typer so...
Agh, anyways. Onto the review.
Smoke Trail lifted a hoof up and rubbed his eyes. Looking out thru the dual lensed Telescope four hours a day really did wear on a pony. The dark green Pegasus glanced behind him at his partner in the tower.
“Hey Zephyr is there any coffee left?”
Zephyr glanced up from the map on the table and shook his head “No but I can make some if you want Smoke.”
Smoke gave a nod back “Please, Luna I hate pulling tower watch. So who did you piss off to get a two week rotation up here?”
The mint green pegasus reached up and brushed his hoof along his short mane, for a moment missing the bun he use to keep in it. However it really wasn’t practical to have a ponybun and wear a hardhat.
Okay, there are quite a few grammar mistakes here and Grammerly is just screaming at me right now, but in the spirit of... Actually, you know what, I'll point them out anyways. “Hey Zephyr should be "Hey, Zephyr Two week, should be two-week. Hardhat, should be hard hat. Use, should be used. And however is missing a comma.
However, a personal little pleasure of mine is who exactly was used here as one of the leads. No, you're not seeing things. Zeyphr, as in Zeyphr Breeze aka Fluttershy's little brother who's constantly hitting on Rainbow Dash and makes Fluttershy really... Um, peeved. Now, I admit I sorta identified with Zeyphr quite a bit in his episode. Afraid of failure, living with my parents. Sounded a lot like me half the time. Struck a chord with me really, so I sorta felt a lot more sorry for him than most of you probably did.
“When your sister and her friends are the Elements of Harmony, well I guess. I wanted to do more than just fix ponies manes. I saw how much she gave back, how much all of her friends did time and time again. It kind of sunk in that I needed to step up too.”
Smoke gave a nod as he picked up the coffee cup and took a sip. Blinking and looking at it in his hoofgrip. “Hey, that ain’t bad, Perhaps this rotation won’t be so bad after all.” Giving the other Pegasus a grin.
Turning his head and looking out the west side of the big tower. “What about you Smoke, what made you want to do this?”
Shrugging some, the dark green pony pressed his face into the scope once more. “It was always what I did best. I got my cutie mark the day I saw a fire starting down near ponyville. I was only eight, heck I could barely fly. I was hanging out at the edge of a cloud just looking down, when I saw this ribbon of smoke.”
Now, this bit I like, just getting into the character's feelings and explaining why they're here, getting deep into their emotions and giving them a backstory as to why they're here, just doing a pretty much lonely and thankless job. Now, unlike normal Firemen, these ponies won't get a lot of glory or phrase rushing into burning buildings and saving lives despite possibly being terrified of the flame. These ponies, they're the underdogs, they just keep watch for flames or potential fire-starters like dry lightning. They generally go un-named, and probably will never be known as the heroes that they should be. So, next time a forest fire breaks out near your area, remember, someone probably called it in and it's probably someone like this, just up there alone with perhaps a partner for the company.
Zephyr was looking off in the distance to the north side. “I saw a flash of dry lightning. I think it hit ground”
Smoke was on it, swinging the scope around “where?”
Turning and rushing inside, Zephyr called out “Uh...Grid four four one mark three niner three.” Already starting to write the coordinates in the logbook as he had been trained to do.
Smoke was quiet for a moment, before he pulled his head back. Frowning he looked once more, reaching a hoof up to tweak a knob.
“I have white smoke, confirming grid reference four four one mark three niner three, hill… Delta Alpha one seven seven”
Zephyr was already peeling off his jacket to get ready to fly. “Your call Smoke, Should I go?”
The pegasus leaned back into the scope and then pulled back. Turning his head to look at his brother EFS member. “I am calling it, break open” pausing to check a chart on the wall to his left. “envoy blue one”
Okay, now I admit this may be a turn off for some, the realism expressed here and all the codes and phrasing, the jargon used here, but I actually like it. It brings to mind series the old series like Emergency and Adam-12. The cop and rescue worker dramas that strived for realism, to actually show people what and how the rescuer workers do what they do, and yet still manage to be entertaining. This pulls that off here, both in the educational part, and keeping you on your seat with the drama and making you care for the characters with their every action, and every little insight into their minds. Speaking of that...
Zephyr could see why Dash liked speed. It really was a rush to head for the ground full speed and snap roll, to pull up hard and skim the treetops. Looking back down he could see the smoke lifting from the trees and smell the wood and grass burning. The smoke lifting up was already a good thirty feet wide. WIth how dry the area was this meant only one thing, wildfire!
Tugging a strip out of the side of the blue coffee can sized unit held in his grip, he dropped it. Watching it tumble down to disappear into the tree line. With the fire now marked, he winged over and dove to get speed. His job now was as a messenger, to get back to tower command and send up the alert.
Wind tugged at him, his legs tucked in tight. He was no Rainbow, but unlike most of his family he could fly, so fly is what he did. Streaking back down to treetop level he felt a thermal and used it, Zooming back up, gaining speed off it despite climbing in altitude. Turning East, he knew he could use the winds off the hills to get more height fast. He had ten miles to fly and every moment counted.
This... Just all of this. I really don't think I need to explain why I love paragraphs like this so much now do I? But oh, what the hell, I will anyways. It's painting a picture in my mind, of what exactly is going on at every moment and every instance.
Smoke knew the other towers were alert now, he saw the flags go up. He knew Zephyr was going as fast as he could go to get back to command.
The older pegasus muttered “Come on kid, you can do it.” looking back into the scope once more. The smoke trail was now nearly three hundred yards or so wide, and it looked to be turning north. Tower eight was that direction, so they would need to vacate if it continued and grew.
Closing his eyes a moment grabbing onto the small silver medallion that hung from his neck.
“Saint Luna, protect your watchers, and let Zephyr fly as he never has before. Guide him, he is a good kid.”
Okay, few minor grammar errors here and there. Watchers, remove the comma. Also, I really love the small little detail of Smoke Trail praying to Luna. I'm generally not fond of seeing religion in stories like this, -Irony really, considering the main villain of my story I Walk the Firing Line- but here, it's that little detail that just adds that tiny little touch to the world. And I've done my research, Firemen do actually have a prayer.
Fireman’s Prayer
When I am called to duty, God
whenever flames may rage,
Give me the strength to save some life
Whatever be its age.
Help me to embrace a little child
Before it’s too late,
Or some older person
from the horror of that fate.
Enable me to be alert
And hear the weakest shout,
And quickly and efficiently
to put the fire out.
I want to fill my calling
and give the best in me,
To guard my neighbor
And protect his property.
And if according to Your will
I have to lose my life,
Please bless with Your protecting hand
My children and my wife
Sweat built up along his flanks, he was tired. Pumping his wings that much harder, trying to get a few extra feet of height. Any moment now he should be able to see the Command building and tower.
There it is! Breathing, huffing hard he once more did a wingover and dove. Picking up more speed, his wings ached and his lungs burned. Streaking in across the tops of the trees, he didn’t bother to go for the landing strip, he didn’t have time for that.
Rather he aimed for the walkway in front of the command building, at the last moment he pulled a stunt that Rainbow Dash had shown him. Twisting his wings, putting incredible strain on the muscles and joints, He pumped hard and came in from full speed to nearly a stop in moments. Just as his hooves hit ground he felt it. A pain ripped up his left wing and down into his barrel, like someone shoving a hot poker into his body.
Crying out as he tumbled, rolling to a stop. He could hear ponies already racing for him calling out. Some skidding to a stop near him, others yelling for a medic.
“What the hell are you doing you dumb kid!”
A deep voice, angry, but also colored with concern. Managing to open a eye and look up, he saw a rather large earth pony standing over him. The big stallion’s blue coat touched grey and faded with age. However the golden eyes looking at him spoke to a resolve and wit untouched.
“C...Captain I…” extending a hoof with the blue marker card.
Taking it, Captain Pond Stomper looked at it a moment then bellowed out. “I want my command staff in the map room, now!” pausing “And someone get this kid water, and into the medical tent.”
Leaning down the old captain whispered “Rest boy, you did good”
Zephyr smiled, then darkness took him as he passed out. His last thoughts, that he had done it, on his own.
Now, grammar errors and such. “I want my command staff in the map room, now!” pausing “And someone get this kid water, and into the medical tent.” I really don't think the pausing is needed here, it could just be one sentence. Also, however should have a comma after it. And, this sentence? “Rest boy, you did good” Needs a period to end it. Also, a eye should be changed to an eye
This sentence? “What the hell are you doing you dumb kid!”
Should look like this. “What the hell are you doing you, dumb kid!” Not sure on this, but it might be better to end it in a question mark as well.
Anyways, my thoughts on the story as a whole? Pretty damn good. If not for the grammar and punctuation errors, I probably would give this story a perfect ten. However, this, along with the fact that one might be locked out of the story if they haven't read the main PVFD story as linked here does drive the score down to an 8/10. Still, a hell of a lot better showing than most of the crap I choose to review, like the two pieces I'll be doing next time.
Really only one way to end this review. This is for you, Sunstreak!
I am honored sir...honored I tell you.
Thank you, for reading it, and giving it a review. One thing to touch on, you talked about "Emergency" and if you look into the story a bit, along with PVFD, you will see things appear that were part of that series. This story included, from the episodes 2nd season of Emergency when they were on a wildfire call out.
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Damn, I completely forgot about that last bit, till you brought it up, Been far too long since I've seen the series.
Ahhh...does it feel good, finally getting to something with actual value? I can only imagine the sludge you must go through, and these are like diamonds in the rough. Grammar is a killer for me; if the author didn't take the effort to proofread, why should I take the effort to read it? Regardless, I can tell that work has been put forth here, and I don't condemn the author for his mistakes.