Random Ramblings CCLIV · 8:00am Apr 23rd, 2018
IN WHICH I BACKSLID BUT ATTEMPT TO RECOVER
Art is a reflection of life. Sometimes real life imitates art. This happens to me more than I like. So, here's Perfume.
I have yet to see all the MVs they've made over the last decade, to say nothing of their amazing live shows. So you'll be getting more of these lovely ladies from me, like it or not. Anyway, confession time...
I need to book my hotel rooms for the concerts I'm set to attend in just over two weeks, but something holds me back. It could be the ghost of my ex, who always handled things like this, or would help me if I needed to do it. This should be easy. Why am I so scared to actually do it? Talking with friends who work in the hotel industry, I have learned booking 3rd-party is more often than not a bad idea. I just need to get off my fat ass.
I had a fight (sort of) with my mother Saturday. She and I do not process or express emotions in the same way, and she's impossible to deal with after she's had a few. I took my anger out on myself (my wall doesn't need another hole).
She's also upset with me because I spend all my time in bed. This is true. I've mentioned many times on this blog I write in bed. It's more comfortable than sitting at my desk. Problem is my bed is comfy and I'll fall asleep. Why I'm not asleep right now I have no idea -- I took all the proper ingredients to knock myself the fuck out hours ago -- pillz + alcohol (which I am never supposed to mix) and then a doughnut because I was still hungry after dinner and hoped to facilitate a sugar crash. Nope. Still awake.
She's upset with me because, as far as she knows, I haven't "submitted" any stories to my editor friend. This is also true. I don't have the heart to tell her I write quite a lot and submit stories for the public on an irregular basis, but the majority of it is My Little Pony fanfiction. I'm always grateful for the feedback I receive here -- except for the stupid comments. And I know I need to get better at handling criticism. You'll note in the comments of some of my SRA stories, I'll sometimes come back to someone who nitpicked something and admitted they were right. That's how the flashback got added to Exes Meet; it made the story so much better in my eyes. A couple of readers still weren't convinced. They are idiots. Hey, I love y'all, but I'll still call a spade a spade.
Fanfiction is a dirty word. We all know this. I do enjoy writing SRA, the Burritoverse, the Mayor stories, and all the other stuff I have planned for you -- if I didn't, I wouldn't do it. But I'm still kind of ashamed. This hobby brings me no income. And before you even ask, no I will not set up a Patreon. I'm not nearly prolific enough to justify it. Someone did once ask me if I took commissions. I said no. I don't think anything I wrote could possibly live up to a commissioner's expectations... and I do not write fetish fics or even particularly smutty stuff. I'm worried I simply don't have what it takes to be a real writer. I sure as fuck don't have the discipline. I also don't think I have the flair for language compared to some of the authors in my book collection including but not limited to: Shakespeare, Douglas Adams, Clarke, Tolkien, Twain, Faulkner, or even Rowling (who to her credit got better with each book). I'll never be that good. I'm not sure I can even write a good speech. So here I lay, writing the best I can for free, and y'all get what you pay for, which is the best I can do.
Today, like yesterday, has been rainy, so I've had zero desire to do anything but lay in my bed and watch Babymetal concert footage. I can and do fall asleep to Babymetal. This should not be a shock as I can also fall asleep to JackSepticEye. I seriously doubt that will be the case when I see them live in Kansas City and Dallas next month. I had to pay extra money to have the Dallas ticket shipped to me because it turns out there was no option to print the ticket out at home; mobile only, and I don't own a smartphone. I can print the KC ticket and really must get to the library posthaste to do that.
I miss my ex terribly. I feel so empty and alone. I hate that she's moved on (or at least pretends to have) and I can't. I'm going to die alone. She was my last chance at a proper relationship. There is a childhood friend of mine who I've had a crush on for 20 years; we still talk and get along to this day, but like every other girl I've become friends with, she's bettered herself and become out of my league. If I hooked up with her now, it would be pity on her part, as I barely qualify to be the sputum under her shoe. Hell, I wasn't good enough for my last girlfriend, I knew it, and she still put up with me for eight years before kicking me to the curb for myriad reasons.
One was she hated that I didn't have a job but she did (even though I paid all the bills and did all the laundry and most of the cooking). My dad asked me last week if I'd considered getting a job. Turns out there IS a medical explanation for my continued unemployment. But I doubt anyone would believe me if I told them.
The only reason I'm even bothering to write a diary post is to tell y'all that I did get some writing done tonight on two stories in my queue. I added a bit to my upcoming SRA fic, ATGE. It's still not publishable, but it's better than it was. I've also started in earnest my next Burritoverse story. I hit a block on Octavia. I'll finish her eventually, but next up on the list will be Sci-Twi. This story will be very different in tone from my other Burrito stories once its plot begins in earnest… which won't happen until after I've finished the trademark rambling monologue, which I've yet to start. Still, look forward to it. Given the future stories I have outlined, Sci-Twi's Burrito story will turn out to be VERY important. Look forward to it!
So much on my plate, so little time.
Screw it. It's 3am here. I'm gonna turn on a Babymetal concert video or something and try to pass out for a few hours.
Peace out!
I know exactly what you mean about not having enough confidence in your writing to think you'll ever be a good writer. I feel that way all the time, and it doesn't help that people often aren't interested enough in my writing to go at it. It seems like the only time people are interested is when it's something they already have an investment in to begin with.
I'm sorry you've been having such a hard time lately. Please, take all the time you need.
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Thank you for your kind words.
My problem isn't really with time, per se, but rather validation. I get that from my three loyal readers here. However, the real world is a scary place I don't like to visit very often.
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Ah I see. :) The real world can be pretty terrible. It's awfully painful at times and that's why we have others and others have us.