Revised Episode 1 Completed · 12:07am Jan 21st, 2017
Episode 1 of 6 finished revising; yeah, that took a lot. Most of the changes were in how things were worded. Dialogue was made more in character towards the ponies, while narration was given better details that flowed nicer.
But there were also some larger changes. They still don't change the story itself, but from a writing standpoint they work better. I'd like to go over a few:
1) The teacher's opening narration. For the original version, I simply swapped some words around but kept the things being said the same. In other words, it meant nothing. In the revised addition, I used it as an actual history lesson, showing one reason why this universe is so different.
2) Making Snips and Snails seem like less of idiots. Post-”Buckball Season”, I really like Snails in the pony world. There's more than meets the eye there (TRANSFORMERS! Da-duhn!)
3) Derpy in particular underwent the biggest change. Still the adorkable cloudcukoolander, I tried to write her dialogue in the voice she had in “Slice of Life”. Not sure if I was 100% successful, but it seemed to work.
4) The net. I didn't think of it until I was writing chapter 4, but in this world pegasi can still fly. Therefore, something would have to exist to prevent them from flying over the city to get to school. No cheating for no tardies day.
5) I may have been suggesting that Original!Rarity, the one Twilight knows, is into BDSM stuff. I don't know why, but it just seems so natural for her.
6) Explicitly stating that Twilight's bags are enchanted. That's a small thing that makes a world of difference for later on.
In the same vein, describing her sword and the way she holds it in better detail.
7) Bulk Biceps becomes president of a club that better suits him, and gets his own fighting style (though it was based on Kai- sorry, General Kai- from Kung Fu Panda 3)
8) Weird Al Pony makes a cameo, with a Simpsons joke. I thought it was funny.
9) Pinkie's fourth wall breaking is a bit less subtle, but possibly better executed? YMMV.
10) Pretty much the entire scene in which Armor!Celestia and Twilight meet. Less rapey, more creepy in general, with a dose of heavy foreshadowing.
11) Better showing of Twilight using magic during the fight, explaining why she would be tired next episode.
12) Also, a better description of the armor (anyone who wants to draw an picture for me, please do).
I think that about covers everything important. It took me maybe a week to get this episode done? Episode 2 shouldn't have as much going on, but I don't know how long exactly it will take me. Weeding out what needs to be changed from what doesn't might be harder than just changing everything.
