I, on the other hand, am enjoying my current bachelor status.
Snova Digi Log: Sorry Guy's · 10:09am Dec 17th, 2016
I'm sorry for the last couple of post's subscribers.
I normally don't do sad blogs, but the last few weeks or so have been a bit... emotionally draining for me. A bit of an explanation after the break. If you don't wish to hear me ramble about my issues, this is as good a time as any to just move on. If you are, for whatever reason, interested in this, then sit tight. This may be pretty long.
I won't go into detail to avoid sounding like I'm antagonising anyone, but here's the short and skinny.
I decided that I wanted to start getting to know you guys better, both my followers and those I follow. I started with a user I hadn't seen active in a while. Long story short: they have NO interest whatsoever in even trying to be nice to anyone else. I said I would leave him alone and he said, and I quote:
Yes. Please. Fuck off.
Now, it's not that someone told me to fuck off. I went into that conversation, having seen his blogs and his bio, knowing full well that there was an 85% chance that this would go horribly the moment he saw my message, but I stupidly, as always, did it anyway. I knew this was a bad idea, but like the utter derp I am, I went ahead with it anyway. And I have potentially now found someone who will see me reply to his comment on a group or his blog post and say, "Ugh. This asshole again." How do I know? Because I asked to start over, and basically... still told me to get lost. This made me ask the question, "Do I try too hard?" because I started to wonder if people only talk to me simply out of courtesy or if they actually find me worthy of their time and energy.
Now, second: general life. So, the last few days have made something very clear to me. I already knew it, but the quiet and lonliness of my flat brought it out even more: Nova has no friends. I am growing distant from the two friends I may possibly have due to distance and the fact that our interests may no longer be shared. I haven't talked to either of them in almost a month, so, yeah. Now I have a feeling at least one of you is going to say, "You have friends on here." I know that, but my definition of friends is a bit different. I no longer call someone who I've spoken to a few times my "friend" because that has never worked out in the past. Now don't take this the wrong way, I am in no way saying you are not my friends... this is getting confusing. Okay, you are my friends in the sense that I can just start a conversation with most of you and we can just chat. But... not the kind I can just come knocking on your literal front door and say, "Hey, wanna hang out?" Nonononononononono. Even you have to admit there would be a lot of awkwardness there. Now it's never really bothered me, never will, but every so often, I suddenly realise, "Well, damn. Just me, my computer, and people who I don't really know on the other end of the screen on another side of the planet." Which should be fine, right? Right. Being the only child and experiencing many dissappointments in the friend-making department, I've learned to enjoy my own company. Sadly, I also developed the habit of talking to myself when I'm bored and alone, which certainly didn't help. Hell, my mom constantly heres me mumbling to myself and always asks who I'm talking to before telling me to stop, for obvious reasons. (Spoiler alert: I haven't quite stopped yet) So not having friends has never been a problem. I mean, I already know it's impossible. I'm too... different from most people around me. Hell, look closely enough and you'll probably find something I don that can irritate the ever-living daylight out of you!
Third, other problems. Not mine, others. Literally the world in general. So, fun fact about me: I'm empathic. Now many people don't believe this is a thing. And you know what? Your opinions are your own. But it is very real to me. I have helped a few people on this site and IRL, but it feels more and more painful each time. The feeling of being in their situation just causes a painful twist in my heart that I literally cannot explain. And no matter how hard I try, I can never look at someone in pain and say, "Maybe someone else will help them out." I literally stuggle and fail to do so. Some see it as a virtue, others as a vice, and think they're both right. Despite coming to terms with how impossible it is to help everyone, I still damn well try. So I have now developed the horrible habit of putting the world on my shoulders and feeling like I need to do something to help solve the problem and when I can't, I feel like I've failed. I like to see the good in people, despite being fully aware of the huge cloud of evil overshadowing it. I have also heard too many people say, "Just forget about me and move on." And I have gotten to the point of FUCK NO. Nobody deserves to just be forgotten. There are people I WISH I could forget, so if I, or anyone, like(s) you as a person, then you have no right to believe you don't deserve to be remembered. So many people on this site have left because of one problem or the other. I'm trying to keep in contact with some, but it's harder for some than others and even though I know I couldn't have done anything, I still regret not being around enough to try something. Then there's all the bad stuff happening in the world that I won't go into detail on (basically human ignorance and general bad karma from bad decisions in the past). It's just... too much for even me I guess. I really do sometimes hate certain things about myself.
Now why do I do this? Why do I care so much? Because I have failed at so many things, let down people so many times, and have been hurt so many times that I just hope that the few lives I can positively impact will be enough for me to say, "At least I did something for someone and succeeded with them where I failed with myself." I know what it's like to have a problem no one understands and no one can/wants to help with, so I guess it's caused me to feel morally obligated to help people in any position remotely close. I know it's stupid. But until there's a cure for stupid, I think I'll just keep this unnessesary weight on my back.
Anyway, guys, sorry for being distant for the last week or so. I'll try to get back to being less down by the New Year.
Hope you guys have a great day/night/weekend! Love all!
Sayonara~!!!
Throws an imaginary snowball through the internet
Chin up, buck-o! 'Tis the season to be jolly... more or less! Life's a bag full of mismatched socks, we can't deal with everybody's problems. I get that you're empathetic of others, which is a nice trait at times, but maybe you should focus on your own happiness for a while? Sure, you feel obligated to others because of past mishaps, but that shouldn't bother you none! The past is just that, and we shouldn't live in it.
There are people that don't do this?
Nope. I've never faced that problem with anyone over the internet, it's damn near impossible to irritate me. I've got enough tea in my system to be chill with pretty much every quirk anyone has. So, basically, go ahead and try bud
Anyway, ever just wanna talk about things, hit me up with a PM. Always open and the such!
I am always here if you need to talk, my friend. hope that things will get better for you soon. Many hugs and snuggles.
4343161 I'll certainly try.
4343165 So many waffles and bananas! Me likes!
And don't worry about them. I've just decided maybe to just stay away from them. I'm not going to force my kindess on people; It's their choice to accept it or not.
I just wish it was as easy for me to ask for help as it is for me to offer it.
4343188 Thank you! I hope so to.
I know we probably won't know each other IRL, but I want you to know, I'll always be here if you need to talk
4344164 Thank you.
4343844 Well I always here if you need someone to talk to, my friend. XD Many more hugs and snuggles.
4344720 Thank you.
4344790 You are very welcome.
Dude, I don't know how much this means coming from me, but I think you're awesome, friendly, kind, talented, and intelligent. I'm glad to call you friend
4344171
If course my friend