And you think my *clop* is bad purple prose...

Here's how bad it gets when I try to write cosmic adventure to deal with my pain levels. Long story:

Her wings flared again, and she raised Midwife high, her divinely titanic muscles rippling with unrelenting power. She did have cause to worry. He was leaving a trail of destruction, it was true. One that was getting smaller as he moved, and not because the number of swarming parasite ur-divinities and demiurges was thinning. Even the 'sky' was growing thick with unreal horrors best thought of as the nightmares of locust demons; he couldn't head up, and didn't have time to open a gate, even if his inexperienced magic would let him shift out-plane at all.

But hers would. And while she might not be forged from the unimaginable might of the Void King and the Triune Queen, she was Luna Selene Solutae. The Unbound Moon; Warmistress of Equestria, and the deadliest combatant on Epona still. Strength, she had in sinews more than mighty enough, and speed and skill as well. She had them all, the divine, arcane, and occult magic of a millenia-old alicorn, and Midwife had returned to her.

Yeah, let's just say that this 'story' isn't going to be seeing the light of day much except me to mock myself. It's also an example of why anyone who does like my stuff should really thank my editors for smacking this out of me.

Comments

[Nines]

You want bad purple prose? I got some riiiight here:

There was a heaviness in the silence around us as Elmiryn and I walked.

Questions, like the feeble fragments of startled dandelions, drifted between me and that straightened back before me, lost and at the mercy of the cool wind that upped and carried them elsewhere. Elmiryn intimidated me still, despite my assertions regarding her lack of inherent evil or intent to do harm, for there rested something haphazard and unsettling in her regard to life and peace and will. Pale irises beneath the morning suns lit up aspirations that both bewildered and concerned me.

At first I felt afraid of the possible situations I may be cast therein; but then (I think it was just a little past Toah and the place we bivouacked, near the area where the poison oak and buck eye trees seemed weaved passionately together) I tried to imagine what Elmiryn had faced herself, alone, and felt my stomach twist in that loathsome way. With a dry swallow, I let my mind wander to less mystifying things.

Somehow my existence–lonely and dangerous and desperate–had been something I deemed only for myself, as if my dry petite hand could lay a claim to a way of living and shun all others skittering towards it. It seemed too cruel a thing to allow such a life for anyone else but me. As melodramatic as it sounded, I wanted that pain to be mine alone.

From my original fantasy epic that I continue to neglect.

Honestly, what you shared isn't that bad at all. I've seen worse, at least. Much, much worse.

[Troublesome Beast]

4096857 You want a competition? :P

Behold, what comes next!

She charged the field, and the cleansing silver glow of her rage and Midwife's were as one. Had her stallion left crumbling craters and gulfs? Selene Solutae took the field at the height of her powers for the first time in over a thousand years, and with it, she obliterated them all with one unblinking goal; to retrieve and save her foalish dear one.

There were foul things coming that might have stood against the Warmistress, but they slept deep and encysted by the corruption of their own dreams, waking but slowly. Fueled by her rage and protective love, there was nothing that the mere world-killers could do against her but disintegrate, their spiritual natures rent to the undying cores and stripped of all divinity, mad or otherwise, to re-enter the cycle of being. A fitting fate for those who had threatened Luna's herd, her people, and her fiancé.

Luna's triumph was marred by her prize. Were it not for the discipline sunk into her very bones, she might have turned that rage upon the entire plane and thus been consumed. Her stallion, youthful, not even through his adulthood second puberty, mere months past eighteen, was rent and torn. Poisons to corrode stars foamed in open, gaping wounds; otherwise unbreakable bones were fractured, sticking through the skin. She howled, and swept him up into the argent reality of the only sanctuary she could think of: her soul.

[Nines]

4096864

I have 40 chapters worth of this kind of stuff... You honestly think you can best me for most purple!?

(that was awesome, btw... It's all about your audience! This stuff sells within the right circles)

[Grungar3x7]

4096864
Godsdamnit, TB! Don't you dare tease me with this, or I might just pull a Misery(not really) and force you to complete it!

[Troublesome Beast]

4096881 I can compete. :P Especially since YOURS is neat and MINE is terribad. :P

[Troublesome Beast]

4096919 Dude, didn't you read it? It's horrible. And that's only barely touching on the self indulgencies regarding Hopper, which is where it gets super bad. I posted this to mock it!

[Grungar3x7]

4096933
Do you know who else often delved into excessively florid language, when the mood struck them?
John Ronald Reuel Tolkien.

And yes, I did read it. That is why I'm requesting MOAR!

[Troublesome Beast]

4096940 Tolkien was an Oxford linguistics professor who spent a lifetime creating a magnificent world for his amazing languages to live in, drawing from a vast array of sources. I'm not sure that I've managed to out-write a fifteen year old with actual talent. -.-;;

[Grungar3x7]

4096951
Pictures are worth a thousand words.
You think you're giving us this:
i.ytimg.com/vi/2rkbhFpuvsc/maxresdefault.jpg
While I am seeing this:
mlpforums.com/uploads/monthly_09_2014/post-27099-0-46835600-1409588388.png

Please, don't be so adamant in your self-deprecation!

[Troublesome Beast]

4096961 ;_; I deal poorly with praise.

[Grungar3x7]

4096975
You have said so before, but I feel the need to explain myself.
I have an active imagination. I love the ways in which the written word can be wielded; like a scalpel, delicate and precise; a hammer, overwhelming and yet ponderous; or, in your case, a glaive, at times a tad unwieldy, yet devastating and wondrous to see in action. My mind's eye is strong in its work to bring to life the scenes I read, yes; but the fuel of your words, hewn from the forest of this world you've created, is most helpful in satiating this need I feel, to witness every corner of the universe you have woven with your words.

[Troublesome Beast]

4096994 All I can say is thank you, then, you and Nine both.

[Grungar3x7]

4097040

i'm not sure about NC, but you can thank me by getting this drabbled bit of prose into postworthy condition, and publishing it here.

[Troublesome Beast]

4097050 I can't because raisins.

...

Because it would spoil whether or not Hopper wins his mating fight with Luna? And... certain results. Yes. These are excellent raisins. You'll have to wait until the end of Luna's hunt for it and by then we'll have all forgotten about it. *nods*

[Grungar3x7]

4097082
...I won't forget, and as I've said before, I have an abundance of patience. Everything's eventual, as they say!

[ScourgeofLightning]

I do kind of like this as it gives a slightly clearer picture of where everyone stands power-wise due to the many comparative statements. I am the kind of person who likes to reduce everything down to numbers, and precise power measurements that are so common in purple prose are lovely for that.

[Troublesome Beast]

4097342 Eh. Overflowery and overwrought descriptions just cloud matters, honestly.

[Troublesome Beast]

4097342
4097109
4096881

Okay, which one of you got to my spouse? I'm being pushed to finish more. Just so you know, the rest of it is pure hurt/comfort with crud like this:

Balance and empathy was weeping. He wished he could make sense of it. Of any of it. "His hold's stronger, but I can't purge all of the poisons, Princess! They're more than life and death-- they're abomination!"

Heat returned. "You have him stable. That's all I need. Luna, hold his mouth open. Hopper, dear, don't fight us."

Three concepts got through. Fingers held his remaining cheek and the left side of his jaw; cool hands, strong, but trembling. He applied strength; he applied discipline, and somehow, he thought he might not be screaming, or at least not so much, and he didn't struggle.

Passion murmured incomprehensibly. "Good lad. Now, drink that which is given."

He smelled salvation. Elysium poured down his throat.

Shadow Hopper was briefly aware that he was healing that which should be unhealable, and that the screaming was starting again.

[Grungar3x7]

4098348
One should not mess with a being trained in astral projection. However, I simply asked the universe to inspire you through the most efficient motivation. The fact that it is your wife pushing you to do this is merely the will of the zeitgeist made manifest.

[ScourgeofLightning]

4098348 I merely think that extended descriptions in brawls are fine. In non-brawls, however, I agree, it gets dodgy